Experiences with my parents' divorce

[milvushina]

My parents split after 15 years, when I was 12. My mom and I moved to this awful place in Louisiana. Later they got remarried then divorced again after 13 more years.

 

My mom denied to the end they were having problems, although she was mostly staying in their condo. Then she said she wanted a divorce. I can kinda understand this. But, she started seeing someone else before they were divorced.

 

I only found out because she was staying at this person's house, they went to buy an ironing board, and they ran into a friend of mine who happened to have moved to that city. She was afraid I would hear from my friend. But said she didn't see anyone until after their separation.

 

She said she did not want me to say anything and that it was her place to tell my dad. I know she never told him because he'd ask about her, mention he mailed her a card, etc. He did not believe she would really divorce him again. I kinda didn't either

 

So anyway, a friend of mine came over to see me a while later. She is my mom's age, used to be friends with my mom. We all worked at the same hospital .. me, my mom, dad, my friend, and my mom's bf. (not all with me). I only vaguely knew my mom's bf's name, so I threw it out there. My friend was surprised... a little scandalized.

 

She thanked me for telling her but was a little angry neither of them had told her. She said she suspected that was why he had not answered her letters.

 

I did not know until later this lady was good friends with my mom's bf. And that she had always had the hots for him.

 

She told me she thought it had been going on. I knew that my parents had known this guy a long time. Well, my friend told me that when I was 12, when she was good friends with my mom, they would go visit him and my mom talked to him and visited him. I knew they went on trips together but I never knew that. Then my friend asked if my dad had fought the divorce at all. I said no..

 

I knew right away she was right. I knew my mom had *some* new friends, because you can always tell by the way she acts. Suddenly she was into guns. And a Republican. Stuff like that, and when I meet him he's into that stuff. I told her she is not allowed to talk politics with me while I'm pregnant b/c it stresses me out..lol

 

Anyway, I feel totally tricked. I'm almost certain she lied about her bf; I feel bad for not telling my dad during their divorce, but I'd feel bad if I did. She never told him and when I told her I wished she would b/c I thought he still had some hope, she got angry and said he should never talk about their relationship to me. I know he found out somehow, I'm guessing work.. I know b/c on one visit we were talking about my husband and he called him by the bf's name. It's a common name, but we don't know anyone else named that. I could tell by his expression who he was thinking about.

 

I felt a little hurt that my friend would even tell me about all that... what's the point? I'm not really as open with my mom as I used to be. I'm not crazy about her bf but he's not such a bad person. When he acts really fond of us, I can't help thinking, you pulled one over on my dad, **** you.

 

I don't know if I should talk to her about all this? Don't really want to hurt her feelings or bring up past resentments. I don't know if there is really a satisfactory reply to all of this. Finally, I've mostly let it go and really only get irritated around the holidays, I've noticed. It surprised me how much more stressful and upsetting it is to deal with your parents' divorce as a young adult, than it is as a child.

 

I know this is long but even if you just skimmed it I'm grateful and I appreciate feedback even though I guess it was mostly a vent.

[Ronni_W]

Finally, I've mostly let it go and really only get irritated around the holidays, I've noticed.

 

Yep...the holidays bring out all sorts of feelings that aren't really an issue the rest of the year. I think most of us with a bit of, er, "life experience" find ourselves having thoughts of irritation or melancholy or whatever.

 

Congrats on your pregnancy! I'd say only have "talks" with whomever if you're pretty sure you won't just end up stressed -- you sure don't need that.

 

 

Being adult in between divorcing parents is tough - I really think the safest way to protect all the different family relationships is for the kids to stay, and be kept, out of the "distressing details" as far as possible.

 

Would be a little wary of this "friend", though. Not sure if she has your best interest at heart or, for that matter, any one else involved.

 

Well...have a great, stress-free Holiday