sedgwick Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I am getting so sick of the dreams. At least two or three times a week, I dream that we're back together, and the dreams are very specific and detailed. It's just agonizing waking up and realizing he's still gone. It's been five months since the breakup, and on the 29th of dec it will be 4 months since we've talked. Why isn't it getting any easier? I mean, it's better now than it was five months ago, in that I can leave home and do things without stopping halfway down the block and sobbing, but still everything looks really dark and kind of pointless. I'm happy with how other things in my life are going, but I miss him so terribly. It feels like someone took away my twin. In my dream last night we got back together and I was so excited because I could play him all the music I've heard and wanted to play for him since he broke up with me. I dreamt each song, and I watched his face all the way through each one. I've never had such detailed dreams in my life and it's really freaking me out. Why can't I get over this feeling that he's THE ONE, tell myself that maybe someday I might be able to love or trust or be attracted to someone else again, convince myself it's not hopeless, blah blah blah? I just can't imagine ever giving anyone else a chance. Jmina said something in one of her posts about it changing you when someone tells you they'll always love you. Did it mean something to him, or has he just forgotten me? Has he found a musician? Is he able to love her and commit to her because she's a musician? I want to think that maybe I had some impact on his life but it feels like I had none, like he's totally moved on and forgotten me. Why have I convinced myself that he hasn't tried to contact me? It's like I'm taking it personally that I haven't heard from him when I've had all his contact info blocked! It feels like I'm seriously losing my sh*t. God, I can't believe it's actually humanly possible to miss someone this much. What is the purpose of hurting like this?
Freddy Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Hi, sorry your still hurting. I had dreams of my ex but they weren't too good. I have that same feeling that she's the one and she just doesn't understand it. I know your going through a rough time and it's been almost 4 months for you, I just hope you can focus on something else besides him. I know that's hard to do. Just keep your head up and be positive.
brothermartin Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Hi SEDGWICK. This may be a little too personal, but have you "been" with anybody since your break-up? Maybe you just need to try a cheeseburger since the steak did work out for you. Know what I mean?
Author sedgwick Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 I can't IMAGINE being with anyone else. It makes me totally sick to think about it.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I can't IMAGINE being with anyone else. It makes me totally sick to think about it. does anyone else dream about them? Yes, I do all the time. It's been over a year for me, and even though I'm now dating someone on a regular basis I'm still having dreams (or nightmares). I have told my new GF about the dreams because I believe in being honest, it's very sad and frustrating for her. I loved her (my ex) like I have never loved anyone else in my life, and in some ways I don't think I can ever love someone that much again (although I realize thats a false pretense). As a matter of fact, the last two weeks have been worse than ever, it really affects me the throughout the day when they happen. What happened to you guys if you don't mind me asking?
Author sedgwick Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 dar, that's what i'm afraid of -- that i'll never love anyone else again like i loved him. it took me 36 years to find him. that's why i feel like it MUST not be so easy for him to find this kind of love either, but then, maybe it is. we had an amazing relationship. he's a touring musician and wasn't taking care of himself, though. broke up with me the morning he left on tour for 3 months, telling me he thought only another musician could truly understand him. i know he was still single 6 weeks after we broke up, but it's hard not to think that he's already found someone to replace me. the night before he dumped me, he told me he loved me, and he introduced me to a bunch of people as his girlfriend. we had really sweet, loving sex. the next morning he dumped me. i talked to him 6 weeks later, he was a huge jerk, and that was that last time we spoke. last saw him july 16, last spoke aug 29. that day i blocked his email/phone/myspace and they've been blocked ever since.
brothermartin Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 It sounds like you may have something else going on SEDGE. After this length of time and you still haven't considered even dating someone else, well, I don't want to say it but, I think you have probably guessed that this type of behavior would be considered unhealthy. Maybe you should see a professional.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 dar, that's what i'm afraid of -- that i'll never love anyone else again like i loved him. it took me 36 years to find him. that's why i feel like it MUST not be so easy for him to find this kind of love either, but then, maybe it is. we had an amazing relationship. he's a touring musician and wasn't taking care of himself, though. broke up with me the morning he left on tour for 3 months, telling me he thought only another musician could truly understand him. i know he was still single 6 weeks after we broke up, but it's hard not to think that he's already found someone to replace me. the night before he dumped me, he told me he loved me, and he introduced me to a bunch of people as his girlfriend. we had really sweet, loving sex. the next morning he dumped me. i talked to him 6 weeks later, he was a huge jerk, and that was that last time we spoke. last saw him july 16, last spoke aug 29. that day i blocked his email/phone/myspace and they've been blocked ever since. Being a musician myself I can tell you it's not easy. Being a touring musician can make thing even worse, depending on the individual. The best therapy I have found is to take some time out to be with yourself, love yourself, and respect yourself. You need to understand and accept what's happened and do things for yourself, don't get caught up in pity it will only make things worse for your. It's okay to be sad, cry, and feel bad at times, but you need to love yourself and who you are so you can build the confidence it takes to make you a solid individual. Stay busy, surround yourself with your family and friends, and iterate positive things about yourself, it really works. If the person we loved so much loved us that much, things would work themselves out and they would find their way back into our lives. It sounds like he may really love you, but he may not be ready to settle down because he feels like his career may really take off and a steady relationship may get in his way. You will be okay, take things day by day and try not to wallow in sorrow. Good luck,
pigeonsid Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Hi Sedgwick, now I've read you story and you're right - our men behaved really similarly! Just a complete about-face with no explanation. One day they love you and want to be with you, the next day they're gone. My boyfriend also reassured me how much he loved me just days before he left. I'm still dreaming about my ex every night, too, but in my dreams I'm not even certain if I will take him back or not and then I wake up and get annoyed because it was just a dream so I should have taken him back and been happy for a small amount of time! (Even if it's not real.) Does your ex have lots of issues? Maybe he does really love you, but it brings up so much fear about other things that he can't cope. I have a feeling that might be what's at play with my ex. I think that being in love with someone has made him so vulnerable and brought up other emotions that he's run away from having to deal with them. And also that he's been experiencing baggage from his past and then blaming me as the source, instead of understanding that it's stuff from the past that he needs to work through. Mine also became a huge jerk once he decided to leave, and I had to call him up on it since he was behaving really childishly. Why do men do this? Can someone please explain?
lovesparis Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 i do. i dream of him often. almost always getting back together dreams. the one that has stuck out the most was: i had gotten up to use the toilet (in the dream) and my toilet faces into my tub/shower. as i was sitting on the toilet i looked into the tub, and saw him sleeping in the tub, on his back, with a baby sleeping on his chest (we never wanted kids) i was so moved by this, that i climbed into the tub with him, and lay down next to him, in the crook of his arm. (at this point the baby disappeared, as sometimes happens in dreams) he woke up and saw me there, and we embraced and kissed and everything felt right in the world again. i woke up, as in sat up in bed, woke up. and reached for him... only he wasn't there. it ruined my whole day. some of my dreams aren't quite so dramatic. many involve his family. some involve us not getting back together, but communication occurs b/w us. mostly, getting back tog. though. another similarity for us, my last communication with him was 08/28. i feel your pain, sedgwick, i do.
CalamitousJane Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 broke up with me the morning he left on tour for 3 months, telling me he thought only another musician could truly understand him Have you ever thought that he might not have been saying that you "weren't good enough for him"? Maybe it was more like he didn't think it was fair to subject you involuntarily to the brutality of the traveling musician's lifestyle. It's a valid point. My sister is married to a musician, and I think she had no idea how tough it would be going into it. About dreams - it's not every night any more. But for about five months after the initial shock of finding out I was "in love" with him (= he was seeing someone else) I woke up thinking only of him. I was really happy a couple nights ago, to wake up dreaming about a cute acquaintance!
someone3434 Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 sed. I've read most of your posts and you are an amazing person from what I have read. I've been broken up for 4 months now and NC for 5 weeks (after she went home from a bar with another guy when I was there; the day after she asked me to spend the afternoon with her and go to a movie with her that night). Yes, I dream about her constantly, hell I even had a dream that I talked to her Dad and brother about us last night. I think its just our mind focusing on what has been on probably all of our minds all the time. But you know what. I had a first date (for the second time since the break up) and I had a really great time. Enough that I really want to see this girl again. Am I scared, hell yeah. But as much as I loved about my ex, the more I look back on things, the more I realize how horrible she was for me and how she didn't deserve someone like me. And as hard as it is, I'm not going to not let someone else into my life because I know my ex isn't the only person in this world that I could be happy with. Keep your head up. You are an amazing person. Someone lucky will be in the right place at the right time to find you. Just don't be afraid to give them a chance.
Author sedgwick Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 brothermartin: i've been in therapy for years! i'm a new yorker. of course i'm seeing a professional. the only thing i can say is that we had an uncanny amount in common, so much so that it used to amaze both of us. for example: we had the exact same first car (same color, everything, and it was an unusual 20-year-old car.) both of us are southerners from very similar small towns. he's five years younger than me, and he was studying in the same building as i was working as artist in residence at his college in virginia in 1994. one night i showed him some super 8 fim i shot, and the place in the film was the very stage in the very town (which is obscure as hell, not a place you've heard of, and 1500 miles away) where his band played their first gig. we used to say to each other constantly, "you're the boy version of me," and "you're the girl version of me." i have never felt so much, with anyone, like the universe was determined to bring us together. i have never had so much in common with anyone. but he had to dump me all of a sudden and tell me it was because we don't have the EXACT SAME CAREER? how could i have been so wrong about what was going on, what we were feeling? so of course i can't think about dating. i found the love of my life, and i gave him my whole heart in a way i've NEVER done before. how am i supposed to replace that? i used to look at guys on the street and think they were attractive, but that hasn't happened for months. i feel like my sexuality sort of shut down when he left. i can't have sex with someone i don't trust completely, and i can't imagine ever trusting a man again. dar, it's interesting that you think he might really have loved me but didn't want to make me deal with his lifestyle. he mentioned that a few times when we were breaking up, and cried like crazy, but ultimately he still dumped me, and then when we talked again a month and a half later he was really cold and just said things like, "i can't believe you don't realize things change. i didn't fall out of love with you but i felt like i might so i broke up with you before that happened. i'm sorry i can't give you what you want." he said he had to increase his touring schedule -- which is already INSANE, they're on the road 8 months out of the year -- to make a name for himself in other musical circles so he can eventually quit the band. he's physically WRECKED from that much time on the road, but he feels he needs to stay on the road MORE? still, i love him, and i don't care that he tours. i always told him that. i never, ever gave him sh*t about touring. i travel a lot and write a lot, so this way i don't feel like it's a problem for me to run off when i need to. i have an exciting, cool life too, so it's not like i'm someone just sitting around moping when he's away. it definitely wasn't that. but he always had this big (unfounded) guilt about leaving me. it is impossible to be with someone who isn't taking care of themselves physically, and that was by far the toughest thing about our relationship. i'd get annoyed with him because he'd come home sick at least 50% of the time. he'd just live on coffee and cigarettes on the road and trash his immune system, so then when he came home, his whole body would shut down and he wouldn't feel like doing anything. i don't understand why he feels he has to live like this.
lovesparis Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 sedgwick, your posts are almost like reading mine, with a different story. if you believe, that deeply, that you two are meant to be together, maybe you will get back together. but i would suggest unblocking him, b/c he is doubtfully just going to show up on your doorstep. even if he never responds, i think deleting him, but unblocking him is a good step towards healing b/c i think blocking people is bad juju.
cj1988 Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Honey, I though the same thing. I have been with my H for 13 years now and I am moving on. He is not happy about it, but I put too much into someone that is NOT capable of doing the same. Sometimes men or women are just too selfish to commit and really mean it. So, be glad he is gone, he would have bailed anyway, he is just not ready. My sister who is 44 now, has been single for 2 years. She was lonely and sad thinking she would or could not ever feel what she felt for her husband of 11 years....BUT, guess what. She found or they found each other about 7 months ago and she is HAPPIER than she has ever been in her life. I promise, you will find someone that you can love like that again and that will LOVE YOU the same forever when YOU are ready. Just stop cryig (been there, done that, could not eat, sleep or work for months) pick up your life and look at the SKY and say, GOD it is good to be alive. Look at yourself everyday in the mirror, smile and say this is going to be a GREAT day and I PROMISE, it will get easier ! Be strong and keep psoting to get it out, if not you will explode inside !
cant let go Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 dreamt last night that we got back together and then had sex. i rarely dream about sex. the dream was brief and not very detailed but the sex part was pretty weird. i'm not going to get too graphic here but feel free to stop reading if you are uncomfortable. we started to have sex and as he was entering me he said "i'm back." and then he went really slow and made a face and sound like he was in some sort of pain, like his penis was really sensitive. i think that was either the end of the dream or all i remember. also i remember in the dream the thoughts in my head were wondering if he had sex with this girl that he had been seeing. i assumed he had in the dream but i didn't want to ask him about it. overall, i feel very weird about the dream.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 It sounds like you may have something else going on SEDGE. After this length of time and you still haven't considered even dating someone else, well, I don't want to say it but, I think you have probably guessed that this type of behavior would be considered unhealthy. Maybe you should see a professional. i agree with this. i know you're sad, but at least part of you should be moving on. you can't control your dreams (well, you can to a certain point, but you know what i mean) but the fact that you are obsessing over her all the time is affecting you at night during sleep as well. you even know the exact date that you talked to her last. there is way too much focus on unimportant details like this. you're holding on fast to something that is no longer there, and has been not been there in a long time, and it's only hurting you. it's not going to bring her back. do something before you lose yourself for no good reason.
serendip Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I never dreamt of my ex the entire time we were together or not that I remember. But right after we broke up I had one dream of her...in the dream I was at a restaurant with friends and I notice her sitting at the other end of the restaurant with someone... staring at me....so I approached her and ask her how life was going. We chatted and caught up with each other and that was about it. It was alright. I guess I had the dream b/c we didn't break up in person(LDR)...and I haven't seen her since our breakup.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I never dreamt of my ex the entire time we were together or not that I remember Same thing here, I never dreamed about her the 4 1/2 year we were together, no it's a seemlessly never ending ritual.
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