Sleeplesstoo Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Well I don't even know where to begin. I am a married woman in my 40's married to a very amibtious man who does not spend a lot of time with me. I have no children, no siblings, and lost my mother awhile back (the closest one in my life). Since then I have been struggling on and off with what is maybe depression or maybe just lonliness, I don't know. Several months ago I joined an online discussion board that was targeted at a particular interest in my life, posted a lot and made a lot of friends. A man joined the group who was very upbeat and fun and posted pictures of himself. I had also posted pictures of myself sometime before. This by the way was in no way any type of dating site. Anyway whenever I would start a new thread he would show up and post. He was always very complimentary and friendly and had a great sense of humor, and he was also great looking. He commented that he thought I was "beautiful". I have been told that I am good looking by many, not bragging just giving you background. One day he got into a little tiff with one of the other posters and I felt bad for him because I thought he was being treated unfairly so I PM'd him and he PM'd me back. That was the beginning. At first we just talked about the subject of the forum we were particpating in. Then it escalated to our daily lives, some outright flirtation, and then finally turned sexually graphic with some visits to a private chat room on a totally unrelated site. He told me that he had fallen in love with me and I was feeling the same. Our days were filled with probably 20 or more emails at times. He is a paramedic, and I work from home, so that is why all of the opportunities. The online affair lasted for 3 months. His schedule being 24 on, 24 off and then some idle hours while on duty. I guess they can bring laptops to work. He always indicated to me he was single and looking and had been burned by a lot of women. At first he would ask me for advise about his dates and about all of his insecurities in spite of being "very handsome". He continually told me how he was sharing things with me he had never told anyone else. We had a great deal of emotional intimacy, more than I have had with anyone for a long time. It fulfilled a need for me in that way. I know this is getting long, but I need to get it out. I noticed that on his days off he would talk until about 4:30pm and then either have to go to his partime job or abruptly disappear. He was always gone on weekends, and yet always talked until late on the nights he was doing a 24 shift. I forgot to mention that neither of us used our real names only our screen names. One day I noticed his avatar was missing, and all of his pictures. He gave me some story about an ex-girlfriend finding his laptop and exposing him to everyone and how embarrassing it was. She supposedly read a bunch of our PM's and got my phone number from his wallet. Through all of this he kept talking about his partner and his partner's wife and how his partner's wife may have found the forum because her interests were the same as ours. He mentioned that his partner's wife was posting to a different forum once too often so I got curious. Turns out the partner's wife is his wife, and they have a small child. The pictures and life he portrayed to me were his partner's not his. So for 3 months I have been writing to a man who really does not even exist. It was all made up. He even had the nerve to send me the same picture that she had posted on her forum only her's had the true description of who was really who. What really caught him dead to rights was the fact that all the events he told me about, she also talked about on her board, and the dates always matched. I know because I alway archived my PM's. At that point I checked out the IP address after discovering this and the IP was registered to her employer. Of course when I confronted him he tried to lie his way out of it. After he did that I gave him the final damning evidence of the IP address, and said that it was over because he was not who he said he was and he had a wife and child. So here I am feeling like a total idiot and feeling really empty inside. I truly hope that he will just go away, but I am afraid that he may not and his last sentence was how totally connected he felt to me. He has my cell so I hope he will never call it. In the meantime I am mourning the loss of someone who never really existed and I can't tell you how weird a feeling that is. My first experience with the internet was that board and him. This is my second, but for obvious reasons I cannot share this with anyone else. For anyone who has not experienced the internet for God's sake be careful. It never occurred to me that someone would seek me out on a non-dating site (don't get me wrong I take full responsibility for my actions). When I look back on it now, he was not looking for anything but an encounter, and not really the interest that I thought we shared. You just do not know what you are dealing with. The photos of the man he pretended to be were a "10" and frankly he is just very average. The man he portrayed was a sweet humble "country boy" who needed a friend and some encouragement and he is not any of that. He took that man's life and exposed all of the details of it to me, and then embellished them with his own daily imaginings. I know that because of his wife's casual conversation about her husband's partner, that the persona he showed to me is his partners. I guess the real victim is his partner who had his pictures plastered all over some board, and the intimate details of his life revealed to a total stranger. So I guess I am putting this out there for 2 reasons, the first being, be careful of the internet even if it is in what seems to be very benign surroundings, and because I want to know if anyone else has ever been where I am with the "emotional affair" (we never actually met) and how you delt with it. The worst part is I don't feel guilty. I don't feel guilty because I have been neglected and I took something that I needed. But having said all of that I don't want to leave my husband and start over. So I guess what I really need to do is learn to work on my own marriage, or just accept the fact that this is my life. After all I chose it. Please give me any feedback you might think is helpful. I am having some heavy withdrawal right now. There is no danger of me going back because there is nothing to go back to, him, his life, and all of it were just lies.
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 ...I want to know if anyone else has ever been where I am with the "emotional affair" (we never actually met) and how you delt with it. The worst part is I don't feel guilty. I don't feel guilty because I have been neglected and I took something that I needed. ...So I guess what I really need to do is learn to work on my own marriage, or just accept the fact that this is my life. After all I chose it. First, congrats on recognizing the futility of the online thing! Your are so right that it helped you fulfill some needs that were being missed in your 3d life...but in ways that could have lasting, damaging effects. For me, the hardest part was accepting that *I* had let myself down by not ensuring that I was meeting my own emotional needs. It wasn't that "I had been neglected" as much as "I had neglected myself and, in that process, allowed others to treat me in ways I don't want or like." How I see it now is that my partner is supposed to support and encourage me as I go about meeting my emotional needs...it's not his responsibility and obligation to FILL all my emotional needs for me...I am not helpless nor mentally incapacitated (well, some might argue that last part .) I found marriagebuilders.com to be a really great resource to help me get clear on what my needs are (especially the questionnaires.) Many of my emotional needs are met outside of my marriage -- as are my spouse's. I "get off" on the ballet, and he doesn't. He "gets off" on ice fishing, and I don't. I've enrolled in classes to fill my need for intellectual stimulation because he does not share that need to the same extent. He's off learning how to make sushi. I guess what I'm saying is that "working on the marriage" is just one part of a much broader process, of working on your self - your expectations (are they reasonable and realistic?), your needs, how to feel fulfilled in ways that support your self, your spouse, your marriage, your family, etc., etc. I respectfully suggest that this is NOT the life you chose -- it is a life that has sort of "crept in" when you weren't looking. That just seems to happen. From my own experience, I do know that you have the power to re-create whatever is there now, into something that will be much more pleasant and rewarding for you and the people you love. Very best of luck.
Meaplus3 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Well I don't even know where to begin. I am a married woman in my 40's married to a very amibtious man who does not spend a lot of time with me. I have no children, no siblings, and lost my mother awhile back (the closest one in my life). Since then I have been struggling on and off with what is maybe depression or maybe just lonliness, I don't know. Several months ago I joined an online discussion board that was targeted at a particular interest in my life, posted a lot and made a lot of friends. A man joined the group who was very upbeat and fun and posted pictures of himself. I had also posted pictures of myself sometime before. This by the way was in no way any type of dating site. Anyway whenever I would start a new thread he would show up and post. He was always very complimentary and friendly and had a great sense of humor, and he was also great looking. He commented that he thought I was "beautiful". I have been told that I am good looking by many, not bragging just giving you background. One day he got into a little tiff with one of the other posters and I felt bad for him because I thought he was being treated unfairly so I PM'd him and he PM'd me back. That was the beginning. At first we just talked about the subject of the forum we were particpating in. Then it escalated to our daily lives, some outright flirtation, and then finally turned sexually graphic with some visits to a private chat room on a totally unrelated site. He told me that he had fallen in love with me and I was feeling the same. Our days were filled with probably 20 or more emails at times. He is a paramedic, and I work from home, so that is why all of the opportunities. The online affair lasted for 3 months. His schedule being 24 on, 24 off and then some idle hours while on duty. I guess they can bring laptops to work. He always indicated to me he was single and looking and had been burned by a lot of women. At first he would ask me for advise about his dates and about all of his insecurities in spite of being "very handsome". He continually told me how he was sharing things with me he had never told anyone else. We had a great deal of emotional intimacy, more than I have had with anyone for a long time. It fulfilled a need for me in that way. I know this is getting long, but I need to get it out. I noticed that on his days off he would talk until about 4:30pm and then either have to go to his partime job or abruptly disappear. He was always gone on weekends, and yet always talked until late on the nights he was doing a 24 shift. I forgot to mention that neither of us used our real names only our screen names. One day I noticed his avatar was missing, and all of his pictures. He gave me some story about an ex-girlfriend finding his laptop and exposing him to everyone and how embarrassing it was. She supposedly read a bunch of our PM's and got my phone number from his wallet. Through all of this he kept talking about his partner and his partner's wife and how his partner's wife may have found the forum because her interests were the same as ours. He mentioned that his partner's wife was posting to a different forum once too often so I got curious. Turns out the partner's wife is his wife, and they have a small child. The pictures and life he portrayed to me were his partner's not his. So for 3 months I have been writing to a man who really does not even exist. It was all made up. He even had the nerve to send me the same picture that she had posted on her forum only her's had the true description of who was really who. What really caught him dead to rights was the fact that all the events he told me about, she also talked about on her board, and the dates always matched. I know because I alway archived my PM's. At that point I checked out the IP address after discovering this and the IP was registered to her employer. Of course when I confronted him he tried to lie his way out of it. After he did that I gave him the final damning evidence of the IP address, and said that it was over because he was not who he said he was and he had a wife and child. So here I am feeling like a total idiot and feeling really empty inside. I truly hope that he will just go away, but I am afraid that he may not and his last sentence was how totally connected he felt to me. He has my cell so I hope he will never call it. In the meantime I am mourning the loss of someone who never really existed and I can't tell you how weird a feeling that is. My first experience with the internet was that board and him. This is my second, but for obvious reasons I cannot share this with anyone else. For anyone who has not experienced the internet for God's sake be careful. It never occurred to me that someone would seek me out on a non-dating site (don't get me wrong I take full responsibility for my actions). When I look back on it now, he was not looking for anything but an encounter, and not really the interest that I thought we shared. You just do not know what you are dealing with. The photos of the man he pretended to be were a "10" and frankly he is just very average. The man he portrayed was a sweet humble "country boy" who needed a friend and some encouragement and he is not any of that. He took that man's life and exposed all of the details of it to me, and then embellished them with his own daily imaginings. I know that because of his wife's casual conversation about her husband's partner, that the persona he showed to me is his partners. I guess the real victim is his partner who had his pictures plastered all over some board, and the intimate details of his life revealed to a total stranger. So I guess I am putting this out there for 2 reasons, the first being, be careful of the internet even if it is in what seems to be very benign surroundings, and because I want to know if anyone else has ever been where I am with the "emotional affair" (we never actually met) and how you delt with it. The worst part is I don't feel guilty. I don't feel guilty because I have been neglected and I took something that I needed. But having said all of that I don't want to leave my husband and start over. So I guess what I really need to do is learn to work on my own marriage, or just accept the fact that this is my life. After all I chose it. Please give me any feedback you might think is helpful. I am having some heavy withdrawal right now. There is no danger of me going back because there is nothing to go back to, him, his life, and all of it were just lies. My heart goes out to you as it sound's like your were really taken here. You are very right about the need to be careful online, I mean ater all you never really do know the truth about just who is sitting behind there computer screen, it's very scarey, even if they send you there photo, it could very well be of someone else. I commend you for beign able to end the online communication as I'm sure it's very hard for you and felt very real at the time. I can relate in a way. As I sort of chatted for a bit with someone online and realized that I think the person is not very real and pretty much a joke, so for me it was easy to walk away from. I hope you can find a way to work on your marriage. I know it's tough, because I am not in a great marriage myself and sometimes trying to make decesion's on where to take the M is tough. Good luck and please stay away from this oneline clown. AP:)
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Hi Ronnie, I appreciate your response. I have had hobbies and interests in the past outside our marriage. First of all let me say we are self-employed and I work in our business (probably a bad idea) so in that sense our lives are pretty wrapped around each other. He has many of his own hobbies and interests, but unfortunately between work, and hobbies, I am last on the list. I have also had my own hobbies and friends. Unfortunately he never approves of my hobbies or my friends and will usually try to undermine them. I should have never allowed that to go on, but I have. So as you can see I have a lot of issues to deal with. I guess all of this is just indicative of a crisis point for me and I need to step back and take a look at what is happening with me, and heed the warning signs. This may sound like total psycho-babble but I think I am like a puppy in that I suffer from seperation anxiety. Maybe a holdover from being an only child. I fear being alone in the world enough that I probably stayed when I should have left. You are right in that things are within our control to change. Thanks so much for your insight. I really appreciate it.
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Hi AP, Thanks for the sympathy. I'm glad you were smarter than me. What is so scary about this guy is that he wrote me literally hundreds of pages of emails and he kept it all straight, even though most of it was fabricated. I know, because I kept all his emails. They were very detailed about his daily life and this life was absolutely nothing like his real life. He talked about a family that did not exist, a project he was working on that did not exist, a past childhood that did not exist, he was so good it was scary and pathological. And that's what scares me a little about him. I have received a phone call that has a blocked caller ID on it which is making me a little nervous. I really hope it is not him. Because of my research, I know how to get in touch with his wife, but I told him in my final email that "I am not vindictive", this was a huge mistake for both of us, and that there was no reason to involve innocent parties such as his wife and child, so I would not contact her. This just needs to stop and be forgotten. When he was still claiming to be the other guy he actually suggested that I talk to his wife (still claiming she wasn't his wife) to check out the details of his story and said she would verify everything. Did I mention my husband has also been getting blocked calls for a week. I guess if I found him he could have found me and our business as well. Let's just say he better not go there because I know who his employer is as well. He is either the boldest lier I have ever met or he is a psycho.
bestadvisor Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Because of my research, I know how to get in touch with his wife, but I told him in my final email that "I am not vindictive", this was a huge mistake for both of us, and that there was no reason to involve innocent parties such as his wife and child, so I would not contact her. This just needs to stop and be forgotten. Because of your "affair" with her husband, I am sure some damages have been done to their marriage and will continue to be. You were a big part of it even though you were an innocent party yourself. She has the right to know that you got involved with her husband. I think you should do the right thing and informed this innocent wife of his what her husband is up to. Because of this excitement you gave him, there is a very good chance that he will do it again and his wife should be warned and no one will do so if you don't.
MrWondering Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 You should not only expose Mr. Paramedic to his wife but also expose the emotional affair to your husband. What have you got to lose...your marriage was so far in the pits that you were vulnerable to the attention from an imaginary man on-line. Next time (and their likely will be a next time if you don't address these issues and the next time might not be you...but your husband) you may not get so lucky and actually make a bigger mistake by taking an affair physical. You WERE on that preacipe. As someone pointed out above, Marriage Builders has an marital recovery plan to assist you with rehabilitating your marriage. My wife had an affair and we've recovered wonderfully using the tools found at MB. Your marriage CAN NOT recovery unless you are open and honest about this affair. Your husband is not your pet....he deserves to know the truth about his life and the facts that effect it. You'd be surprised to learn most marriages survive infidelity (much to the dismay of the OPs that are permitted to post on this board). Thus...just as OM's wife deserves to know the truth about her life your husband does as well. It's not vindictive....any spouse would want to know...wouldn't you????? You just may save your marriage and make it better in the long run. Secrets lead to further stagnation and will eventually destroy it. Exposure would likely be doing everyone a favor. Mr. Wondering
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Hi Best Advisor, I am an avid reader and while I this has just happened (2 days ago) I know from things I have read in the past there are definitely two schools of thought on exposing affairs. The advise I have given to friends in the past is that a confession would serve no purpose. In retrospect I guess the purpose it would serve is this, it would be a warning sign to a maybe unsuspecting spouse that things were really on the rails. As far as cyberman's wife goes my best guess is that I am not the first after seeing the skill at which he executed the whole thing. After exposing this and thinking about it, anyone that goes online in a non-dating type setting and takes literally a month to build a persona of a single man ( he was there a month before contacting me) complete with I am the bachelor trying to learn how to cook, I'm so naive, I need some dating advise, I am looking for the woman to complete me because the marriage clock is ticking and I have never been married, was a man with a plan and maybe a well practiced one. Please do not get me wrong, I am not negating what I have done in any way. I didn't say what I did was not wrong, I just said for some reason I have not felt guilty about it. I may not have mentioned that he told me his "ex-girlfriend" had found my phone number in his wallet and I shouldn't be surprised if she called and that she was a "psycho" and would be likely to tell me anything and not to believe her. Of course now I think it was his wife that found the number and the emails. I never got a call. That was a week or so ago and a real wake-up call, the one which prompted me to start looking. The sad thing is I have read all of her posts on the other site and she talks of her DH often and with great affection. So as far as warning her off, I think she probably already knows. Am I being cowardly, yes. Do I think in her case I would be telling her anything she doesn't already know, no. So I guess I respectfully disagree with you on this one and yet I cannot say your argument is not without merit. It's a hard call literally and figuratively. Thanks for your input.
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Hi Mr. Wondering, I am glad to hear your marriage survived "the affair" and you are on the mend. You probably have read my reply above to bestadvisor who pretty much agrees with you. I actually came close to doing that a couple of times, but not for the right reasons. I know this sounds pretty crazy but I am going to write it anyway. I guess I am so angry with him for all the years of just a lot of things which are too numerous and long to go into here, if I told him it would not be in the spirit of "I'm sorry I did that", I guess it would be said more in the spirit of "take that, because you deserved it". That sounds rebellious and juvenile even as I am reading my own words, and I guess it is. And you are right this thing really is in the pits. I have been left on my own in a lot of ways for a long time and I have tolerated it for a long time. I have been complacent and now it is all bubbling up and my tolerance is about gone. Again don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for what I have done in the sense of not demanding more and letting it get to the boiling point, and also for the EA. Thanks for sharing with me.
MrWondering Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Sleepless, Openness and honesty is a great first step to (re)building a wonderfully fulfilling intimate marriage. Somebody HAS to start it. Why not you???? How in the heck is MORE secrecy and distance going to fix anything. You had an Emotional Affair...hurtful, yes, but it IS NOT adultery. Your husband has no biblical grounds to divorce you for it and exposing yourself sure beats him finding out by some other means (and they often do) and it sure beats finding out YEARS from now after living a lie for all that time. I'm just saying.. NOBODY ever regrets doing the right thing. NOBODY. Apparently...you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Mr. Wondering p.s. - OM's wife deserves the truth for the exact same reasons. She can actually address and fix her marriage. Have you considered you may also be saving her life...what if the next time he has a physical affair and get AIDS and transmits it to his unaware wife. **** happens. Evil thrives while good people stand aside and do nothing....R U a good person???
MrWondering Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Here's a link to a professional marriage counselor's opinion about openness and honesty in a marriage and how important it is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html I sincerely think keeping your close call a secret will be the biggest mistake of your life. Mr. Wondering p.s. - thanks for the kind words regarding my recovery. It's been 2.5 years now and things are great. BTW, things sucked for both of us prior to the affair just like your marriage...my wife said the exact same words...resentment such as that is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die...it will eat you both up. Your marriage is worth it and can be better. If it doesn't get better at least you gave it an HONEST effort.
Meaplus3 Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Sleepless, Openness and honesty is a great first step to (re)building a wonderfully fulfilling intimate marriage. Somebody HAS to start it. Why not you???? How in the heck is MORE secrecy and distance going to fix anything. You had an Emotional Affair...hurtful, yes, but it IS NOT adultery. Your husband has no biblical grounds to divorce you for it and exposing yourself sure beats him finding out by some other means (and they often do) and it sure beats finding out YEARS from now after living a lie for all that time. I'm just saying.. NOBODY ever regrets doing the right thing. NOBODY. Apparently...you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Mr. Wondering p.s. - OM's wife deserves the truth for the exact same reasons. She can actually address and fix her marriage. Have you considered you may also be saving her life...what if the next time he has a physical affair and get AIDS and transmits it to his unaware wife. **** happens. Evil thrives while good people stand aside and do nothing....R U a good person??? I will fully agree with the open and honest part her with her H but Biblical ground's for divorce, please! Look, Mr. Wondering, and Emotional affair is and affair and it's cheating! AP:)
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Mr. Wondering, I am not ready to do that yet, but maybe soon, I don't know. I will certainly think about what you are saying and give it consideration. As far as telling her, I just don't know. I think if he was out screwing around he would not have done the internet thing to the extent he had. He spent many hours more wooing me and our "emotional connections" then I am sure he would have out picking someone up. He was quite aware that we lived about 500 miles apart, and only once suggested that we meet. Of course because he was not the person in the pictures. But I am only guessing. I really believe that she knows based on his complete panic that was the big red flag, and the person discovering the emails was not the "ex-girlfriend" since those were made up, but his wife. That is just a door I am not willing to rush through when it has so many implications for the lives of others. You have to remember there are implications that run in both directions, not just the directions you described. They have a baby. As far as do I consider myself a good person, yes, not perfect, but good. I think maybe my gray areas are a little more extensive than yours, but that is just me. This may sound like a bunch of BS excuses to you and in truth I would actually find it easier to tell my husband than to tell her. I can pretty much predict what my husband's reactions would be, but in her case I have no idea, and since I think she already knows then why rub salt in the wounds. After all the guy is a paramedic and is probably very well aware of the disease factors involved in screwing around.
BetrayedMM Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 You had an Emotional Affair...hurtful, yes, but it IS NOT adultery. Oh yes it is, and if/when your husband gets ahold of proof it's grounds for divorce; it shows you have the cheating mindset. It ain't about what the bible says, besides, the way the bible puts it- someone "knew" someone... Doesn't sound very physical, does it? How bout that whole coveting thing? Bottom line- you gave your heart to another man, and it sounds like distance was what kept it emotional, not loyalty, respect, and love for your husband. About the honesty thing- that would be the best road to take. However, if you're still in the cheating mindset, yes, you certainly won't feel 'ready' to be honest. I'm talking about your husband... your boyfriend's wife already knows... What happens if she contacts your husband with the truth and you've kept your little secret till then? When confronted with the proof, will you then come clean? Your secrecy has built a wall between you and your husband. If you think you had problems in your relationship before you did this, you have compounded those problems with a deal breaker. The fact that you found out your OM was also dishonest shouldn't come as a surprise. You are not a victim, you chose to do this, you wanted a fantasy relationship and that's exactly what you got. You want to go behind your husband's back, yet expect honesty from the OM? Can't you see that you have done exactly the same thing to your husband that your OM did to you? You are not who you led him to believe you are... He is married to a fantasy, because he doesn't know his wife has strayed from the marriage, he has every reason to assume you are faithful, but you're not. Until you come clean, he does not really know you anymore...
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 ...two schools of thought on exposing affairs. Hi Sleepless. You are right to follow your OWN heart on this one. The motive for revealing an affair is what's important, IMO. Standing behind (or on top of?) religious texts and then advocating something that has the potential to be even MORE harmful than what's already been done is ____. I'll let you can fill in that blank, yourself . I don't think it is *necessarily* cowardly to choose not to reveal -- again, comes down to the 'why' of your choice. People usually go by their own experiences and preferences...what they wanted or believe they "were owed" in the same circumstance. It is so individual yet they put it forth as universal.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Don't get anyone else involved in this. It will only hurt and harm. It's over and you now live with it. That's all.
Ariadne Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Hey, Please give me any feedback you might think is helpful. I am having some heavy withdrawal right now. I went through something very similar with someone that I met online. It wasn't all a lie, he was pretty real alright, but the withdrawal was just awful. I think the wost that I remember. I met this Scottish guy on a message board that fascinated me from the get go. He was an older guy, married in his 50s. Very clever with lots of experience, but he was on the psychopathic side. Not psychopathic as "charmer" and "smooth talker" none of that, but in the Hannibal Lecter type. He talked minimally, to the point, and it was as if he could get inside people's psyche just like that. I was always mesmerized by the insights he posted in the board and I'd always agree with the things he said, he was really amazing, and of course most people didn't get him and called him a troll and what not. He wasn't very popular over there, although highly respected by some other people. So I started writing to him, he sent me a line first, and it started going from there. As I talked to him I realized he was even weirder in a pretty bizarre and devious way. The conversations went on and on, and of course by then I was having a major crush on him. And then, all of the sudden, he stopped writing... Boy, I really went crazy there. I couldn't sleep, I was banging on the walls. And I remember he'd still log and post in the forum every once in a while and all I did was to chase that guy, go to every forum he posted to see what he had to say. And of course, I'd be more fascinated with what he had to say, and deeper in the crush, and I kept on writing to him asking to please write, say something... nothing. Well, he must have been having a blast just watching me go desperate. He loved those power games. So... it took me months to recover. I'd go to every website of the city where he lived just to see what it was like over there. In Scotland of course, everything was gorgeous. I remember spending nights to no end with my ex bf whom I'd still see every once in a while, discussing that guy. And what happened, and why. I just couldn't get over. Those things can get so intense, I really didn't expect that. After all of this was over and I calmed down, months later, he wrote to me again and we'd still write each other, till this day. Just a note here and there asking how are things going. He is a nice guy after all, and a true gentleman. He just stopped writing and cut it off for his own reasons I guess, I think he also didn't like how much infatuated I was and didn't want any trouble since he was married. So, that's my story. Ariadne
Ariadne Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Many, many months After this was over and I had no more feelings for him... He sent me this. Ariadne ---------------- Hi Oh Ariadne. .. . .I’ve just drunk 6 bottles of beer and not capable of doing anything. So I’m drunk. Now, given that, will you marry me and become my online partner? You are one smart btch. . . . and passionate. . . . and entirely admirable – except in you lack of focus and your ability to emotionally detach. Now I certainly want a relationship with you, but not of the kind where are trying to challenge my wife. What fascinates me about you is that you’ve not really encountered Northern European culture. A trip to Maine or Sweden may change that. And I would love to take you to a Ceildh You are so strange. I remember when you were trying to ‘turn me on’ everything you did achieved the opposite. Is this all as crapy to you as it sounds to me? A
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 He is married to a fantasy, because he doesn't know his wife has strayed from the marriage, he has every reason to assume you are faithful, but you're not. Until you come clean, he does not really know you anymore... To be perfectly honest with you, he hasn't taken the time to know who I am for a very long time. It hasn't been that important to him. As far as telling him, I am quite confident if I did, he WOULD NOT divorce me. Now as to the "victim" part, I have never claimed to be a victim and if you read my post I absolutely accept full responsibility for my actions and whatever consequences those may bring. I accept responsibility for who I am, how I got here, and what motivated me to continue contact with this man when things crossed the line. As far as the biblical references that have been thrown at me, that comes from a point of perspective and personal beliefs. I'm sorry but by some of the definitions here, everyone has crossed the line at least in their thoughts. We are all sexual animals and biblical references are not going to change that. We have no control over that, what we do have control over is how far we are willing to take it when it comes to crossing that line. If life were that black and white there would be no need for forums like this one. It would all be pretty cut and dried with no gray areas. I am not here because I am overcome with guilt, on the other hand I don't think what I have done is right either. I am here because I am mostly confused. I am here because I would like to have a happy marriage and feel fulfilled again. I am here because I would like some different perspectives on what is going on with me as it relates to this. I am not lamenting the EA as much as I am lamenting why I felt the need to allow it to happen. That is the real crux of the matter, not some grandstand confession. Sorry that is how I feel!! As far as the "cheating mindset" goes you are probably right in that until I am able somehow to figure out how to fulfill whatever it is I am lacking, then the potential is certainly there for it to happen again. I am not that naive to deny that. And that is really why I am here. I should probably be laying on some couch somewhere at about $165 an hour, maybe that is what I really need. LOL So while I appreciate your input there are a lot factors involved that have brought me to this point. This EA has happened and I really look at it as more of a red flag than an event that must be revealed to all. You are right in that it was a fantasy romance except it was a fantasy being fueled by another person and not wholly by my own thoughts. I have heard tales of a million women and men for that matter who can only get sexual satisfaction (I am not one of them BTW) from imagining they are in bed with say "Brad Pitt" instead of their man. While the most honest course of action by the rules given above would be to reveal the fantasy, it would be hurtful and really serve no purpose would it. And that is how I feel about revealing this.
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 All I can say is "Wow" and I thought my situation was weird. Thanks for sharing your story with me. That is a very strange last communication indeed. I certainly can relate to how you felt and I have felt the same feelings, in fact I am feeling them now. The scarey part of all of this is that, I do not have an addictive personality, no booze, no cigarettes, no drugs, nothing, but I have to say that I was very addicted to him and his daily communications. Best to you!
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Hi Sleepless. You are right to follow your OWN heart on this one. The motive for revealing an affair is what's important, IMO. Standing behind (or on top of?) religious texts and then advocating something that has the potential to be even MORE harmful than what's already been done is ____. I'll let you can fill in that blank, yourself . I don't think it is *necessarily* cowardly to choose not to reveal -- again, comes down to the 'why' of your choice. People usually go by their own experiences and preferences...what they wanted or believe they "were owed" in the same circumstance. It is so individual yet they put it forth as universal. Thanks Ronni, I totally agree with you on this.
Author Sleeplesstoo Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Don't get anyone else involved in this. It will only hurt and harm. It's over and you now live with it. That's all. Thanks Blue, I'm glad someone agrees with me!! I just don't think it would serve any good purpose and has the potential to do more harm than good.
MrWondering Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 The HARM has already been done. Not confessing to your husband only ADDS TO IT. The truth IS the salve. Again, your husband is not your pet that you get to decide what's good for him and not good for him. He's your mate and if you care about him at all you'll tell him....sooner rather than later. Finally, as I've pointed out...there IS an upside. You MAY just get to fixing your marriage and making it better, much better, than it ever was. You've already indicated he is very unlikely to divorce you so you've really got nothing to lose except months/years of continued lack of intimacy and wondering what's wrong. It takes two to fix a marriage and affair proof a marriage....this may be exactly the wake up call that's needed to get him on board. Mr. Wondering p.s. - Our prisons are full of people that don't know the difference between right and wrong. Gray thinking is not something to celebrate and brag about...it's dysfunctional (and I know...I used to be one).
Owl Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 MrW and I know each other from another forum, where we often disagree. But he's dead on the money about pretty much everything he's said. He's right about the source of the harm in the marriage, and he's on the money with all the reasons he's given you to take the steps you need to to fix your own situation. The only point I don't agree with him on is the subject of EA's "really" being an affair or not. But that's irrelevent here. Give some thought to what he's suggesting to you. He and his wife have been there. As far as an online emotional affair...so have I. My wife got involved online with a man about three years ago. Our marriage is happily recovered. Do a search for threads started under my name from the Oct 04 timeframe and you'll find my thread here.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 p.s. - Our prisons are full of people that don't know the difference between right and wrong. I would say, instead, people who don't know the difference between LEGAL and ILLEGAL are in prison (and, of course, who have been caught doing the illegal thing.) Extra-marital affairs are NOT a criminal activity. In some cultures it is punishable, but under religious not civil law.
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