Bellala Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 A few years ago I lost my mother and this year I lost my grandfather, both to illness. I feel that these losses placed strain on my relationship since they made me very needy and I started having abandonment issues. (I would get very upset when he wanted to leave me, etc.) I think that this contributed to my bf leaving me about 6 months after my grandfather passed away. We were living together so it was a big shock. He said we were fighting too much and he felt that he was losing his identity. He's never lost someone close to him so I don't think he understood what I was going through or that I was very emotional because I was grieving. At the time, this upset me a lot because I felt he should have been more supportive of me, but now that I've been away from him for a couple of months, I have started to wonder if I just was asking too much of him, since he had no way of knowing what I was going through. I guess I have 2 questions for you people on LS: 1) Is it too much to expect of your partner to cope with these situations? Were my expectations just too high, and did I unfairly take it out on him? 2) Would you give someone who left in this sort of situation a second chance? I'm not sure if he does want to come back, but from what his friends have told me I think that when some time passes he'll want to come back. They've told me what I already knew - that this is the most significant relationship he's ever been in and I'm very special to him. I'm not sure how I feel about this though. When he first left me I wanted him back no matter what. But right now I don't know if this break-up is a bad sign. I don't know if he just couldnt' handle all the stress and me being emotional but if that's something that will come with maturity, or if it's relaly just a sign of how he handles difficult situations and that he'll bail again if something else makes our relationship go downhill. It's really hard because I love him, and I know he loves me, and I think that's really clouding my judgement. (That, and of course the grief compounding on top of the break-up loss, which is making it really hard for me to figure out what I'm really feeling or what I'm really sad about.) Has anyone else had to deal with this? I'd like to hear from people who have had to cope with grief during their relationships, and how their partners handled it. I'm 25 btw, and he's 26, so I know that we're both really young for dealing with these things.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I have dealt with this. My grandfather died while I was with my ex. He handled it pretty crappy. He didn't seem to really care, and I couldn't lean on him at all for support. 1) Is it too much to expect of your partner to cope with these situations? Were my expectations just too high, and did I unfairly take it out on him? It is not too much to ask, it is very natural to look to your SO for support and care. I think you may have taken it out on him in the sense that you guys fought, and probably about things that stemmed from your feelings over your loss. 2) Would you give someone who left in this sort of situation a second chance? You have to sit down and really talk with him, because you don't want to be with someone who runs when things get tense after personal loss. That isn't fair.
Author Bellala Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Hi ElvenPriestess, I lost a lot of friends when my mum was sick and after she died, so I'm aware of how difficult it is for people to understand grief and be supportive. (Especially when they haven't had anyone close to them die, so they really have nothing at all to measure the situation against.) I guess that's why I feel a bit more forgiving of it now. I mean, I wanted him to be there for me and understand why I couldnt' be happy all the time and why I didn't want to go out and see people as much as I used to, but I guess that's why I feel confused right now since I was angry at him for not being understanding,but when I think about it - how could he understand? And how could he understand how long a process grieving is? And does this mean that I now have to look for someone else who has lost someone close to them, is that the only way you will get someone who will be there for you? I'm sorry about your grandfather, btw.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Thanks hun, sorry about your losses as well. You don't need to find someone who has had this type of loss. I mean, I've been through things that I know I will never be with someone who has gone through it as well. But even if they don't RELATE it doesn't mean they can't UNDERSTAND the fact that you are grieving and need comforting. This is true for anything. People can empathize with actually having experience with this, but they can sympathize if they have not. Compassionate people feel compassionate for those who hurt reguardless of their own personal experience. Look at us on LS. You think all of us have gone through what everyone else has? No, but we still give advice, offer support, and try and put ourselves in their shoes because we care. You know?
Ronni_W Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I guess I have 2 questions for you people on LS: 1) Is it too much to expect of your partner to cope with these situations? Were my expectations just too high, and did I unfairly take it out on him? 2) Would you give someone who left in this sort of situation a second chance? I'm not sure if he does want to come back, but from what his friends have told me I can't really make out the time-line, but it is of course more than possible that your ex has developed a deeper level of empathy since you broke up. In terms of what is a "reasonable" expectation in any given relationship... the sad truth is that it is what is realistic for the OTHER person. Empathy is definitely a reasonable expectation. But not from someone who doesn't have that trait. I've set myself up for disappointment time and again because I stubbornly keep expecting the same thing from someone who, if I looked at the evidence and history with clear eyes, just does NOT have it to give to me. It's really even sadder when they really would *love* to be able to give it to me, which is true in most cases (not just mine), I think. So it sort of comes down to: Let's say your ex has not developed the empathy that you are going to need from time to time. Are you okay with accepting him just the way he is, and getting your need for empathy filled through a friend or family member? And will you be okay offering him the empathy that he's going to need from time to time, that YOU DO have...without feeling resentful or throwing in something like, "Why can't you do this FOR ME?" Getting realistic about my reasonable expectations has probably been one of my most challenging things, to be honest. It ain't easy. Best of luck.
lovesparis Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 1) Is it too much to expect of your partner to cope with these situations? Were my expectations just too high, and did I unfairly take it out on him? 2) Would you give someone who left in this sort of situation a second chance? i have gone through a similar situtation. we didn't break up during, or even soon after, the death(s) in question occured, but me breaking up with him was a direct result of how he "handled" my grief. i do NOT think it is unfair or needy to expect one's partner/ significant other/ spouse to support the other in their time(s) of need. however, some people are simply unable to think beyond themselves, or to draw appropriate boundaries for where/when/and how they should support their partners. i feel that it's when you experience a time of need, that your friends and support system show their true colors. as for 2nd chances, most people "help" others the way they think they would want to be helped, which isn't always helpful. ha. for example, sometimes friends/family/SO avoid the person who is grieving, b/c they grieve alone. othertimes, the greiver feels smothered, b/c the friend felt better when people were around them. oftentimes, this creates conflict b/w the person in need, and the support group. it, like all other things, is best resolved with communication, but i know firsthand how difficult it is to even know what you want, let alone how to talk about it. i think that 2nd chances, specifically in a situation like this, need to be considered in more than just black and white. you need to be able to discern what you felt and what he felt and why those feelings were occuring, and openly discuss when/where/why things went wrong or got out of hand. sometimes even if you get back together, things don't get handled better (maybe different though!) the next time around.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138424/ i shared a relevant aspect of my story on the above post, and it seemed to help the O.P... maybe it will help you too? i am sorry that you have had to go through the loss of many people close to you, including your breakup. a breakup can be doubly difficult at an already hurtful time. i wish you the best in your decision for a 2nd chance.
snowdiamond Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 (edited) Hi, I just read this and this hits "kinda" close to home for me. I met my ex soon after his mother passed away two years ago. We worked together. Anyway, during the course of his mother's illness, he was in a relationship with this woman for three years on and off. Long story short, he was dating the woman when his mother died. The woman dumped him. We started dating. Fell for him deeply and we talked a lot about his mother and I basicially tried to help with as best I could, even if all I could do was listen to him because I know he was in pain. Anyway, things kinda cooled off with us for about a month. When we got back together, I noticed things were different with him. Basically, his ex came back and she got pregnant. Just as he was selling his mother's estate. He came into some money and he got her house. He sold it and moved into a new home. He moves her in. I'm devistated! Anyway, I said that to say, that if it I was in this situation, I'd be very suspect of letting someone back into my life after they left you in one of the darkest days of your life. I could forgive, but as far as entering back into a relationship, that wouldn't be an option for me, especially if you thought you that your SO were so close. As someone stated here, when you get sick or experience a deep loss, you will find out who your real friends are and who's really in your corner. In my case, I believe the ex was seeing me the same time he was seeing his ex. I was, sadly, a rebound. And what made it worst for me is that I thought I actually found someone I could be in a long-term relationship with after not dating anyone serious for the last eight years. Needless to say, I was hurt pretty bad. But, I have to thank God that I'm doing better now. Much better. But to answer your question, it's not too much to ask of your partner to grieve or to see things from where you are. I realize that people are different and how they deal with grief, but that's the difference between a selfish person and someone who has a heart. Personally, I'm an empathic person. So I can feel someone's pain, even though it may not have happened to me. So, personally, I wouldn't give a second chance. I can forgive, but that's as far as it goes. Edited December 28, 2007 by snowdiamond spelling
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