How to respond to this call?

[LoveLace]

I didn't joke around about a threesome to prove anything....I have several girl friends that I joke about that stuff with, weather a guy is around or not, it's just something that makes us laugh and it's never meant to prove anything to anyone. You know, we'll be like "Hey sexy B**ch!" and stuff like that. So I don't think anything of it when it goes on with guys around.

[Star Gazer]

You can't control the way you're perceived, but you certainly can control the way you are PRESENTED.

 

Laughing and joking about a threesome with a guy you want a relationship with...eh, not really the best way to present yourself, IMO.

[Trialbyfire]

Joking about threesomes and then not qualifying it as a joke, can lead to misunderstandings, such as how Dan viewed it.

 

While I agree with the rest, that Dan isn't what you need, if you want to reconnect with him, I wouldn't play games.

 

Call him back and tell him you were originally miffed but thought about it some more and realized your own culpability, in that you and your friends were just joking around without qualifying it as a joke. Also, why not lay it on the line and tell him that you were a little hurt because it felt like he didn't respect you in the way you wanted to be respected.

[LoveLace]

You can't control the way you're perceived, but you certainly can control the way you are PRESENTED.

 

Laughing and joking about a threesome with a guy you want a relationship with...eh, not really the best way to present yourself, IMO.

 

Again, he was the 1st one to say it, so me and my girl friend joked along as we have many times before. I'm not aware of anyone ever really taking it seriously, if so it wasn't vocalized. I dont necessarily think I want a relationship with the guy, anyway.

 

That's good wording TBF, and I don't want to play games. By not calling I wasn't playing games, I just wanted some space for a minute, and perhaps time to figure out if I WAS really pssd or not.

 

I was thinking I could call back and just say look, there are times when I know I deserve some better treatment, and there are times when I think the opposite of you, and yes me and my friend were only kidding so sorry if that wasn't clear enough.

[Star Gazer]

TBF's wording (surprising, particularly coming from her) isn't strong enough. Don't tell him that he didn't treat you with the amount of respect you WANT, tell him he didn't treat you with the amount of respect you DESERVE and REQUIRE.

 

Again, he was the 1st one to say it, so me and my girl friend joked along as we have many times before. I'm not aware of anyone ever really taking it seriously, if so it wasn't vocalized. I dont necessarily think I want a relationship with the guy, anyway.

 

Again, I don't think you're understanding the point. If you intend on having a real relationship with Dan, you shouldn't be joking about having him boink your friend, period...regardless of whether he brought it up first or not.

 

Dan is a complete waste of your time, LL. Not sure how you're ever going to see that...

[LoveLace]

Well I was just at lunch, I called him and got voice mail as I figured I would, these were my exact words but I wasn't yelling or anything like that "There are times when I know I deserve better treatment, but other times I feel the opposite about you. If I don't call it's not because I'm pssd, just busy or something. But yes, it's not always obvious if you think as highly of me as I feel a guy should. Again I'm not pssd, just honest, feel free to call me".

 

Had we thought Dan was serious, us girls would not have goofed off about it. If HE was serious then HE should have made that clear and he didn't. It came off as a joke from the beginning. If I thought a guy was truly serious about that, I wouldn't lead him on to believe I was serious too, on purpose.

 

I don't know if we're just open-minded people or what but I've had countless friends for many years who did and still joke around about other friends scr*ing their husbands or their wives or whatever, thing is everyone knows it's a joke so I've never seen anyone do anything but laugh about it. Like I was saying, my best friend's husband jokes with us about it all the time, me and her just laugh even though we know he doesn't want it to be a joke. Sometimes if we're all together he says, "...Is tonight the night?"....then we all laugh. I didn't take it personally from Dan until later on the phone when he brought it up again. Before that it was just playful moment to me.

[MissCourtney]

in vino veratas

 

in wine there is truth

 

 

 

He probably meant it. Sorry.

 

But it is probably something he never would have said unless he had been drinking.

 

 

You kind of set yourself up for it. sorry babe.

 

Dont joke like that. Guys get so worked up about 2 girls.

 

-c

[LoveLace]

Yea I'm not even upset about it anymore, sh*t happens, but I've had other reasons to disagree with things he does anyway, so basically him thinking I'm pssd at him is just an open door opportunity for me to say "No, however...."

[D-Lish]

So I left off with going to the club on Friday night where Dan said he'd be. He wasn't as affectionate as usual, but he might have been caught off guard that I actually showed; otherwise he bought me drinks and introduced me to friends, etc. Anyhow, me and my girl friend were kidding around with him about having a "threesome" at one point.

 

Dan did a Tequila shot that night so he probably doesn't remember this, but later on the phone I said "I want you bad right now" and he says "Well I wanted both of you"...then said he had to go and end of call. I felt somewhat insulted so I haven't called but he left me a voice mail last night (Tuesday) that said "So how p**d off at me are YOU? Call and tell me if you want. Gimmee a call bye".

 

He was with buddies the whole night, so on top of being drunk, maybe he just wanted to look like a major pimp or something. I'd doubt he's even sure about what he did wrong? I was kind of surprised he cares enough to call about it....what if I suggest we meet for a drink to talk about it. If he wants to know that bad, I'll communicate the things he does to irritate me. I don't anticipate this turning into a true relationship, but I'm not ready to cut him off just yet. How should I respond? I haven't called him back yet.

 

Wow, that comment would really make me angry if I was seeing someone- regardless of the seriousness.

 

I was dating someone for a couple months- and we were at a restaurant eating dinner and he brought up the idea of me asking the waitress to come home with us.... "just to see what she would say" was his reasoning. He said he just wanted to see if others found us to be an attractive couple.

 

Yeah, right. I stayed with him for only a short period of time after that. I was never able to deal with that comment, it got under my skin too much.

[LoveLace]

Thanks D lish, yea in that situation you'd know the guy was serious; in my case we were at a crowded club with lots of drunk people around and Dan's never mentioned such a thing to me before; I figured he must find my friend attractive to say such a thing but I didn't look any more into it than that, not at the time.

[D-Lish]

So, how do you plan on handling it with him?

Are you going to continue seeing him- give it a second thought?

 

If I may give some advice on that- if you do decide to give it a go with him and see where things take you... sort out with yourself and him how the comment made you feel. If you guys continue to date and you don't deal with the comment- it will ALWAYS be an obstacle in your relationship!

 

I had to decide my ex wasn't worth it... we were exclusive and that comment screamed that he didn't respect me.

 

Your situation seems obviously different!

[Legend]

Last xmas. My GF at the time was drunk and asked one of her co workers to come have a threesome with us in the hotel. The comment's been under my skin for a long time. **** like that should just not be joked about.

[LoveLace]

Right it shouldn't be joked about....but my impression was not that this guy was serious, I went along with what I thought was basically goofing off, with what I thought was no different than me and my girl friends joking about it together at any other time.

 

To answer your question D Lish I responded to Dan's call today, after his "Call and tell me about being p$ssd off at me"....I said there are times when I know I deserve better treatment but at other times I feel the opposite of that...feel free to call me I said at the end...so he can take that and run with it however he wants, weather he calls or not I'm happy either way...but I did emphasize I'm not "pssd" per say....just honest...if he doesn't respect that honesty, he's SOL....weather we're just sc*wing or dating whatever we wanna call it, communication should be there in my opinion.

[oppath]

Lovelace,

 

you have a pattern of having important conversations through email, text messages, and voice mails. You and Dan have a small conflict. While he mentioned it in voicemail, you continuing in that medium is only going to exaccerbate the problem.

 

I have to mention this, because I've noticed it with every guy over the past year. If you want and require more from Dan, you need to tell him, but not over voicemail or even over the phone. I really see this heading down the path of another text message break up.

[LoveLace]

Ha hi oppath, I don't have text messaging anymore, I recently got rid of it for the 2nd time in the last 2 months, cuz the 1st time I kind of missed it, then my cell phone bill reminded me I didn't miss it that much, so it's gone again! Oh also...Dan doesn't have the feature either....he also rarely uses email, I've only emailed him when we 1st met 2 yrs. ago.

 

And he asked me over voice mail, so hows that any different or better than responding over voice mail? I still said feel free to call me, he said the same. What was I supposed to say- "call me and we'll talk about it"?...which is the big NO NO apparently, to say "let's talk" to a guy? I got his voice mail in response, so I don't think I had much of a choice; hanging up without leaving a message bothers me so I don't do it to other people. In today's day and age, my conversations with friends, family, boyfriends whatever, take place via voice mail quite often.

[Florida]

This guy is a total waste of your time LL, when you could be out dating others, or having alone time.

 

If I could offer some well meaning advice-I would advise to not joke about things like threesomes, sleeping with anyone's husbands/BF's , or even sexual joking with anyone other than your SO. And I definitely don't abide by anyone else doing it.

 

Then people get all upset or surprised if a response in kind is offered! Best to avoid it all.

[Star Gazer]

You defend EVERYTHING you do and Dan does. Every single thing. Argh!

 

Do you really want a voicemail-relationship? Really? Well great - cuz that's exactly what you have.

[LoveLace]

I always come back to agree or disagree like everyone else..isn't that ok? I agree he's not the best guy on earth to date, so what? I knew that before coming here. That's not the question I've come to ask. I came to ask about what I might should do or not do, considering I don't intend to lose him just yet, but if I did...again so what? And around here, there is tendency to judge the whole picture of a situation incorrectly based on one known fact...it's known fact that Dan left me a voice mail, I left one in response, that doesn't mean it's a "voice mail" relationship. We've talked on the phone many times. I don't mind being told opinions but...when I answer other people's threads, I don't assume I just know everything about the situation, because I wasn't there, I consider there are a lot of variables possible. But it still leaves room for opinion. It's hard to judge a person or sitch 100% based on what's typed alone. Wasting time or dating the wrong guy is not a new problem to me, when something new arises in a situation, I come here to discuss it, and I don't bash anyone for disagreeing, but sometimes more information can give people a clearer of picture of things, that's all...geez...I'm off work now...done here for today! But thanks because the only reason I called him back today (voice mail or not!) is because I listened to what some people here said.

[FoxLucky]

I agree with most people in this chat.

 

Threesome is nothing to joke about but you say he joked about it first right?

 

Its simply easier to laugh it off and go along rather then getting all pissy about it I suppose.

 

So I think hes mostly at fault.

[Star Gazer]

I agree he's not the best guy on earth to date, so what? I knew that before coming here. That's not the question I've come to ask. I came to ask about what I might should do or not do, considering I don't intend to lose him just yet, but if I did...again so what?

 

So what? You're WASTING YOUR TIME. You're even ADMITTING it to yourself. He's not the best guy to date, and yet you don't want to "lose him." LL, you're sounding desperate here. You can do better - but you have to give yourself the chance to do better.

 

And around here, there is tendency to judge the whole picture of a situation incorrectly based on one known fact...it's known fact that Dan left me a voice mail, I left one in response, that doesn't mean it's a "voice mail" relationship. We've talked on the phone many times. I don't mind being told opinions but...when I answer other people's threads, I don't assume I just know everything about the situation, because I wasn't there, I consider there are a lot of variables possible.

 

I'm not judging this one tiny picture, LL, and you know that. I'm talking about all of your posts since you first came to LS. You're quick to defend and make excuses and justify behaviors of jerky guys who are not worth one second of your time. Crap is NOT better than nothing, yet you continue to think it is. WHY do you believe that way?

 

Wasting time or dating the wrong guy is not a new problem to me,

 

Exactly right. So why aren't you looking for SOLUTIONS to that REPEAT PROBLEM, rather than defending and justifying your tolerance of the repeated problem over and over and over again?

[oppath]

LL,

 

I wasn't meaning to imply that you have a voicemail relationship, only that when you've been treated poorly before you haven't addressed it the most efficient way: in person if possible so they can gauge your tone and gestures and if not, by phone, but never through messages.

 

While Marty was a jerk, you have some culpability for the lack of closure, all the text messages, etc. There was some passive-aggressive "haven't heard from you. Fine then. Be that way." behaviors on your part. This is not to say you deserve to be treated as you were at all. I am saying I can see a pattern. When men -- men who aren't right for you or are unavailable -- have some conflict with you, neither of you handle it efficiently in a way that gives you closure or resolution.

 

And I do echo SG's messages. You claim "it's not big deal. I don't have time for someone else so I might as well have this dude for a few more weeks." We've all been there, but nothing is better than less than what you want, especially if you are busy. If you had free time, less than what you want is fine, because you have time to spare. From my experiences, I can unequivocally say that when I'm pressed for time, and I'm spending it with someone less than I deserve, even if I am techinically single and looking for others, in subtle ways I am going to project not being available.

[dramababe]

You shouldn't have made a joke like that with someone who doesn't know you that well. Well maybe he does but he was drinking and you brought up the idea. You cant get mad about it, just talk to him and tell him.

 

The comment you made was a joke and that your not interested in threesomes. If thats a problem that he should let you know and then that'll answer all your questions. Just be straight up and honest, he was probably joking too. If he even remembers!!

[D-Lish]

Wasting time or dating the wrong guy is not a new problem to me, when something new arises in a situation, I come here to discuss it, and I don't bash anyone for disagreeing, but sometimes more information can give people a clearer of picture of things, that's all...geez...I'm off work now...done here for today! But thanks because the only reason I called him back today (voice mail or not!) is because I listened to what some people here said.

 

Hey, I can relate to the dating the wrong guy thing. I guess what we have to come to terms with when we do that is not to have any expectations that exceed what dating the wrong guy means.

 

I make the mistake of setting out to date the wrong person to spare emotional involvement, then I fool myself into believing Mr. Wrong is a possibility and I get attached. I am not sure if you do that or not. Perhaps you do that a little, because you still have some intention of pursuing him?

 

You're right, this should be a safe place to come and vent anonymously.

I listen and take in everything people have to say with a grain of salt, Some opinions stick with me and some don't- I guess that's what it's all about.

 

All I can offer is that when my ex brought up the threesome thing I could never get it out of my head that he wanted to screw another woman in my presence....and that he was completely fine with bringing that up.

It left me with trust and insecurity issues. Not a great feeling. I just couldn't remain with him. He was Mr. Wrong, and I knew that at the time I took up with him.