how do you learn to accept that they aren't who you thought they were?

[pigeonsid]

Hi all-

 

I've been lurking for a while, but finally decided to share my story and communicate, since tonight I've been feeling low and a bit lost.

 

Basically, very intense, fast relationship - my bf and I started dating about a year ago, he told me he wanted to marry me one day after the first week, we moved in together after being together about 7 months and then last month, after we'd been together just over 1 year, he suddenly left me. We have been fighting a lot recently in the lead up to Christmas but I had no idea that he was going to just leave like that. He was talking seriously about marriage and kids. We're in our mid-20s, so it seemed as though it was the right time in our lives to start thinking about this.

 

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that he's just gone and our relationship doesnt exist. He seemed so committed to our relationship and to me, I don't understand how he has had a change of heart so quickly. I've gone into NC and am trying to move on, but it's difficult to start thinking of him as someone that is just an ex now, not the person that I'm going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I also don't know if he's just had a big commitment freak-out and will come back, or if he just said all that stuff and never really meant it. (He never bought me a ring, even though he talked about marriage all the time, not just to me but in front of his family too.)

 

NC has been good in terms of remembering who I was before the relationship and not feeling as though my entire life is over, but I will have to see him eventually. (We have lots of the same friends, and his family all want to stay in touch with me.) I just don't know how I'm going to deal with all this. And it's hard to understand that the person I've seen in the past month - the man who left me - is the same one that has been telling me that I can trust him because he's so committed and certain that he loves me and wants to be with me. How can someone just make a complete reversal like that?

 

Thanks for listening, sorry for the long post. And thanks in advance for any comments or advice. Reading LS has been really good, knowing that I'm not the only person going through crisis or feeling this way.

[Tripper]

he suddenly left me. We have been fighting a lot recently in the lead up to Christmas but I had no idea that he was going to just leave like that. He was talking seriously about marriage and kids. We're in our mid-20s, so it seemed as though it was the right time in our lives to start thinking about this.

 

I also don't know if he's just had a big commitment freak-out and will come back, or if he just said all that stuff and never really meant it. (He never bought me a ring, even though he talked about marriage all the time, not just to me but in front of his family too.)

 

NC has been good in terms of remembering who I was before the relationship and not feeling as though my entire life is over, but I will have to see him eventually. (We have lots of the same friends, and his family all want to stay in touch with me.) I just don't know how I'm going to deal with all this. And it's hard to understand that the person I've seen in the past month - the man who left me - is the same one that has been telling me that I can trust him because he's so committed and certain that he loves me and wants to be with me. How can someone just make a complete reversal like that?

 

Sorry for your pain, pigeon. This really sucks.

 

First off I wouldn't call this immature boy a man. His actions spoke louder than his words. Just be glad you didn't marry this dude and have him bolt out the door after marriage. Or worse, after having kids.

Why did he do it?? At this point who cares. Seriously, if he can't handle a disagreement with you do you really want to be partnered with this guy for life?? Marriage is tough enough without having a partner who is unable to face up to and resolve conflict and issues.

When you see him again, hold your head high; you didn't do anything wrong. Let him see that you are better off without him.

Going forward, eventually you will meet someone who will love you, respect you and treat you well. Your biggest challenge will be to learn to trust again. So watch and protect your heart... just don't lock it up..

[flosslight]

I do not know how you accept it. I have a similiar story except I actually got the ring. We started fighting the last month and he left as well.

 

He told me he had tons of problems that he never told me about. It left me thinking - I do not even know if I ever knew the real guy.

 

I guess you accept it by moving on. If you find out how to accept it, tell me. Maybe people can just put on a good face for a while and then can no longer put on a front.

[Summer_guy_uk]

You accepted a marriage proposal after 8 days?

Sounds like either he was very needy or just wanted to secure you for sex.

 

I'm suprised you accepted either way.

 

Well let's hope we all learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them.

[Trialbyfire]

Most (not all) early investors are a bad investment of time and emotion, for the long-term. Way too impulsive and not much thought beyond the physical rush of a new relationship and securing his own interests.

 

He may come back, he might not. Stick to NC and start living your life without him, with an agreement to yourself that at this point, he might as well be dead, for all it affects you. Perhaps it's a tad morbid but if they don't want to be part of your life, they might as well be dead.

 

Take baby steps by analyzing who he really is. Take him apart, piece by piece. You'll probably find that the red flags were there but you either chose to ignore them or were too emotionally involved to see it. Rose-coloured blinders can be both good and bad.

[sedgwick]

god, the SAME THING happened to me...it was all amazing and passionate and lasted almost a year, and i thought he was the love of my life, and then he just bailed and gave me the stupidest excuses ever. after telling me i could trust him, etc. after telling me how important honesty was to him. apparently it all changed literally overnight. i will never get how it is that men can do this.

[LakesideDream]

pigonsid, Count your blessings. Obviously the man wasn't ready for marriage. We haven't heard both sides of this story and there are always two sides.

 

Without an engagement, ring, marriage, or children it's just playing house. Each of them had the option of ending the relationship for any, or no reason. That's what dating is / was supposed to be. Now days people are moving in together, playing house, pretending to be married when they are not. The risk one or both parties run is that one person decides marriage isn't for them, or falls out of love, or meets someone they like better.

 

This is the reason our culture previously had formalities for relationships. Those formalities have dissappeared, as have the safeguards for peoples feelings.

[pigeonsid]

Thanks for all the advice guys. It's only now that it's over that I realize how fast things really moved, and how strange it is that he was so committed so quickly. At the time, I was also a bit scared about making all these huge life decisions but we seemed so right together (I still feel that we are extremely compatible) that I just went with it. But you're right, Lakeside - we were just playing house. And the minute we hit the real relationship turf and he needed to start making compromises, he just ran away. I just wish I hadn't been so trusting. I'm usually very wary but he seemed so committed and to really want to be married and have children. He's the one who brought all that up, and I've spent the past year just trying to absorb it all and get used to the idea that yes, it's really going to happen. And now he's gone, I have to start re-training my mind to accept that it's not going to happen.

 

Summer_guy - He never formally proposed, but he brought it up in the first week as a sign of how committed he was. (And then he introduced me to his family and I was accepted by all of them as his future wife.) I was expecting him to formally propose sometime in the next year and we were looking at flats, talking about getting a joint mortgage - really serious stuff. He seemed ready to put his money where his mouth was, so I have no idea why he just did a sudden reversal. Or maybe he did just say all that stuff to secure me and then when it got to the point where he was going to have to make good on his promises he bailed. I guess I'll never know, right? Why do we keep wondering about it, as though we'll find the answer somehow? Right now I don't even know who he really is, since this is a completely different side to him which seems to be completely opposite to what he's been presenting over the past year.

[blon_dee]

I know exactly how you feel.. my situation was quite similar.. Hang in there, it does get easier.. I got back with mine, twice.. and i broke it off just today again, for good this time.. For all the promises of wanting to marry me blah blah.. he backed out too and decided commitment wasnt for him.. Hes been trying to get me to hang around and be happy with the casual thing, but i know i deserve so much more.. Good luck!!

[cj1988]

I am sorry you are feeling this pain, it is a doozie....are you sure he was not cheating? Most of the time and I say most, not all....people can up and just leave like nothing when they have someone else, sad but true.

 

Hope you feel better soon, we are all here for you !

[pigeonsid]

Thanks everyone for all you support. This forum rocks! (It's also great to be able to come here and see that other people are going through the same thing I am, and to be able to write out all my feelings here instead of writing him an email.) It's good to get some perspective on the relationship too. I think that all my friends and family (and his friends and family - who are still acting as though they are my friends and family) are also still in shock at him suddenly changing his mind like that. And it's not helping when they tell me that he'll come back and that we're so great together because I know that we're so great together. He just needs to know that.

 

I'm positive that he wasn't cheating. We were living together and I saw him every night, there wasn't time for him to cheat on me. We'd been fighting a lot recently and I put it down to us having gone so fast - there was a lot of big life things to sort out - but there wasn't even time for us to really grow distant from each other. Now that I think about it, I wonder if he was starting lots of fights because he was looking for a way out? Is he really just a commitment-phobe? Maybe he doesn't even know it himself?

 

It's so confusing. It's so difficult now to sort out what he's said and what he's done - they seem completely the opposite. I miss him so much but right now I'm not even sure who I'm missing - is it really him, or is it just some big lie?

 

Sorry everyone... I'm talking in circles (and thinking in circles). But I know it will get better - there are lots of stories on this forum which give me hope. I just wish I could be better already without having to go through this down bit!

[Trialbyfire]

We'd been fighting a lot recently and I put it down to us having gone so fast - there was a lot of big life things to sort out - but there wasn't even time for us to really grow distant from each other. Now that I think about it, I wonder if he was starting lots of fights because he was looking for a way out? Is he really just a commitment-phobe? Maybe he doesn't even know it himself?

Unresolved issues can sever a relationship pretty quickly. Fighting a lot is an indication of such, in that if the issues are recurring, they fester, grow and escalate. The two of you have to either compromise with full buy-in or one or the other has to roll over, some of the time.

 

Don't be so quick to jump onto the commitment-phobe term. If he's not ready to settle down or sees no future, he'll jump ship.