John_1 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I met my... used-to-be girlfriend nearly 3 years ago... we were friends for a while, i knew i'd seen her together with some other guy anyway, so i didnt think of us as a possibility, and neither was i in love at that point... after a while though, it turned into more than friendship, at least for my part. i didnt know if she was still with the other gy though, and stayed away.. long story short, she wasent, and the 16th may, norwegians may know what the day means, we were in a mates backyard celebrating, and (wierd i know, but romantic in its way) we kissed on top of a trampoline. and just lay there hugging, well i was sitting, she lay in my lap. and from time to time i leaned down and kissed her.. my first kiss if it matters. after that started heaven.. best days of my life, i loved her, still so for that matter, and she loved me. and it showed. people congratulated us, and could tell we were happy.. that lasted almost 2 years.. until recently.. we had problems, no denying it. i knew that, she knew it. they had been around for a while. I had a bad childhood to some degree. the kid people could pick on when they were bored.. and i have some trust issues due to it. and thats a problem.. i had problems with her still hanging out with her X, male friends, there were only one and they were close, still are.. and it was horrible. aswell as that i had major problems dealing with the fact that she lost her virginity to her x, at the age of 14, he was 18. i reacted all wrong.. she needed confort, becouse although she didnt regret it, she didnt feel good about it, a importeant life-experience she said, and i can agree. now i can understand.. there were all issues we worked on, for quite a while, and i did good progress, but latley, i noticed things were diffrent.. she didnt smile as much, she didnt say she loved me back when i said it. we kissed less, nearly never, we hugged less.. and she was busy with other friends more often on weekends. i turned desperate, becouse i thought i hadent changed fast enough, thought it was something i was doing, but as it turned out, she just didnt feel the same way anymore.. we sat down, talked about it, and broke up the day after my birthday, and now its looking to be the worst chrismas ever.. im feeling horrible, all the maybes in my head.. maybe if i had behaved diffrently.. maybe if i had trusted her more.. maybe if i... i dont even know.. i wish i hated her.. but damnit i still love her over everything, cant stop thinking of all the good memories. birthday gifts, romantic moments.. im a hopeless romantic, im basicly the girl in the relationship i guess hehe, was.. i was..damn.. i cooked, i put the most thought into birthday gifts and such... i did silly little things like put a small note with a heart on in her lunchbox.. and im afraid now.. i dont have any plans anymore.. she wanted to go to uni and study in our capital, i had based my plans around following her, my goal in life after having a rough childhood was finding someone to love, who did so back, i had that, after that i was happy following her while she lived out her goals and dreams. now thats gone, and im left with nothing. i want to stop thinking of her, find something else to keep my mind busy on.. but i cant keep my mind off her. and i cant think of anything else to think of.. i've no future plans left now.. and that scares me.. I dont want to get up in the morning, and i dont want to go to bed at night. i cant sleep in my own bed, it still smells like her, even tho i changed it 3 times.. i've slept on the couch since the break.. i dont want to get out, but i dont want to stay home either.. i only thnk about her if i stay home.. all the what ifs... nothing helps.. i dont want to eat.. i dont want to sleep, i dont want to go out.. i dont want to stay home.. i dont want to go on.. i'll admit, thers been suicidal thoughts. i dont think i can act on them..but i guess you never know.. people tell me it will be better in a few months, or years.. and that there are other fish in the sea. im not in the sea.. im on land.. and i feel like im suffocating..and the sea dosent look inviting... and im not in "a few months time" im stuck here, now. and the days go by as in slow motion..
iwoulddie4u Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I feel your pain John. 10 year relationship and kids gone in a blink of any eye. That was 5 months ago. I am just now starting to function. Months and months of booze and pills and dating people I didn't care about. You can't make someone love you, that is the bottom line. Your sadness will turn to anger and then acceptance. You will get over the anger but probably never get over her. But you are much too young to believe this is the end. I dated someone when I was 16 for 3 years. At 19, I thought I was going to die. Then I met someone and was married for 10 years. Totally forgot about my high school sweetheart. My point being, you will too! You need rest now. Get back in your bed first of all so you can get some sleep. Make sure you eat. My most depressed days were when I neglected my body the day before. And the biggest thing, try, try, try not to think about her. I use the stop sign method that someone on here descibed where I picture a big stop sign in my head when I think about her. And try and rationalize that she is controlling your life when you are depressed and hurt and not moving on, why give her that power and control. You will find another woman who is beautiful, funny, sexy, smart and passionate. You have to look at this as the next chapter in your life and not the last. The irony being, you will probably have 1 or 2 more very hard breakups in your life yet to come. So try and learn from how you coped with this breakup. Stay stron John. I will check in on you from time to time and listen if you need the help. You are not alone!
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