sillyme2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I posted on the marriage board but thought I should do it here as well. Thanks in advance for taking a minute to read. I am not sure how or why I ended up here, but I hope it's one of my better choices. A background....I got married 5 years ago been with the H a total of 8 years, he's a good guy really. He spends more time in front of a mirror than I, but so what? We have 2 kids a boy and a girl old enough to realize mom and dad are not doing ok. It's been bad for about a year maybe more. I don't trust women because I have been burnt before by them, I currently have 2 that I trust. Anyway one of them my H has built a fondness for, and although he denies it, it's VERY clear, in fact I even questioned her sincerity of friendship. I just found out he has been texting, IM-ing, even went to her home, without me knowing not even a mention from him of talking to her. NOT ONE WORD EVER! I also found out that in not so many words he admitted to her that he has feelings for her. I am in shock, even with all the signs of things like this over the years, and I know in my heart he hasn;t physically cheated, what he has been doing would in my eyes be intentioned not in favor of a united marriage. Maybe an emotional type affair>Right now I don't know what to do, what to say, I am functioning maybe because I knew something wasn't right, but still how far is to far? Am I reading into this to far? Guys would you do any of this when in a relationship? And what would the womens reactions be>Should I leave I have two kids? any advice is appreciated. I found out lastnight, had few drinks to calm me, went home was planning on saying something, but I don't even know where to start. If he never said any of things to me, and he has no idea I talked with her, then he will(I am guessing just lie about it to me face) Like he already has, and then make her out to be the bad guy. I thought about kicking him out, but my kids?and how will I afford it on my own. I have looked at a place for just me and the kids, but he couldn't afford staying here either alone. The holidays coming, family wants to see us, they have no idea of the depth of the situation, we are suppossed to go to them(they live far) and not that I care at this moment if he spends christmas alone, but my kids are going to want their dad with us, which it is an overnight thing. So I am debating to wait until after the holidays. I just don't know.
Confused9 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Before you make any drastic decision you need to TALK TO HIM. Make him tell you what's been going on. Sounds like he is having and EA possibly one that will turn in to a PA if it already hasn't. You need to tell him what you know. There's no reason to hide it. I know the pain is horrible and you feel like you can't go on but before you start making all these decisions...talk to him. Be strong and tell him you won't stand for this type of behaviour. Make him tell you the truth and if he isn't forthcoming...then you know he probably has something to hide. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just make sure you don't give him the impression that you are okay with it and you will allow him to walk all over you. I think you need to speak with him ASAP.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Well I agree when you say emotional affair. Just the same as with lusting in a marriage, it is an affair of the heart. Now I think you should absolutely say something, and I don't know that I'd be able to wait until after the holidays. You wanna know exactly what I'd say? And I have said this before. "Is there anything you want to tell me that you haven't already?" "What do you mean?" "Just that. Anything you have possibly kept from me?" Now I did this and he played stupid until I came out and said it, and he admitted he knew when I first asked what I meant. My point is you can try and give him that, as an option of coming clean. Otherwise, just say something like "I know that you've expressed deep feelings for so and so, and I think you and I need to sit down and have a serious talk about it." You're well within reason to be upset, I would be. I can't believe any spouse would do/think/feel such a thing. And conceal the whole thing from you! I hope things work out for you.
Author sillyme2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 when things like this have happened before, and I mean I think it has, I was just blind to it, I never said anything, but this girl my bf has been in this for a year and I heard him tell her about a year ago on the phone just as he hung up,"I love you", when I confronted him his reply was,"you have a problem with that?" I cried and cried don't know why I didn't leave then. She on the onther hand when confronted broke down crying and said that she had been saying it in a sarcastic jokingly way and had no feelings for him that way. When I found out the rest that I posted I went to her imediatly becuase in my eyes she should have told me this was happening, she said "she just didn't know how" but she swore whatever feelings he has for her are not returned, annd she said our sisterhood friendship is far more important, and from that time foward she would tell me everytime he called, text or anything. She siad since that day I caught him saying I love you to her that niether had said it sence. I did tell him in a letter awhile back that I knew he was talking to her more than he said, and that he was ruining our friendship. He never replyed apologized, explained or acknowledged. So to me we have no communication becasue he sees this behavior as my problem and not his, trying to talk about it at this point will do no justice anyway.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Well if he thinks you have the problem then no matter how diplomatic you are he'll get defensive. The fact that he refuses to own up to his own actions is him pointing the finger at you because he doesn't want to admit anything. Blaming y9ou means he feels "off the hook." It's easier than telling you the truth in his eyes. And he thinks that by manipulating you into what he wants you to believe, that you'll believe it yourself and he'll have gotten away with lying and not communicating these things. I think your friend didn't feel right coming to right away because in these cases many are afraid to be seen as "you're trying to ruin my marriage?" Or they think "Is it my place to get in the middle?" But she seems to be doing the right thing now.
Author sillyme2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 I agree. There are other things that tie into this it's just so comlicated, and I just never pinned him as that kinda guy. I asked him the other day flat out if he was having an EA or a PA or had even thought about it. he said no..but then asked me why I was asking. he sleeps with his phone, if not it's locked, he hides just about anything. My BF was truly sorry for her role in this and although she said she never implied to him he cared he seemed to be the one that just kept it up. She would have nothing to gain from lieing at this point. I just wish it wasn't the holidays, how am I going to make it through?
cj1988 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Silly, that is called a double betrayal, been there.....it hurts because it was not only your H, but someone else you trusted and cared to that was lieing behind your back.....I am sorry, but an EA is worse to me than a PA...atleast MOST men in a PA really do not care, but when the "L" word is used it just about kills your soul....it is like they are no longer JUST YOURS ! Tell him you are not stupid and demand an answer and that he stay away from her and go NC.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 It's gonna be tough. It isn't fair to you to have to deal with all this ESPECIALLY this time of year. Does he not comprehend what it means to be married to someone? You don't hide things from your spouse. You don't get all secretive with phones, computers, etc, because in a marriage there she be nothing the spouse can't look at. He has this obvious problem with honesty and it will tear a hole in the trust in the marriage. Why can't he see that? What about marriage counseling? What do you think of that? Would he go for it?
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Silly, that is called a double betrayal, been there.....it hurts because it was not only your H, but someone else you trusted and cared to that was lieing behind your back.....I am sorry, but an EA is worse to me than a PA...atleast MOST men in a PA really do not care, but when the "L" word is used it just about kills your soul....it is like they are no longer JUST YOURS ! Tell him you are not stupid and demand an answer and that he stay away from her and go NC. Oh I like this, yes, challenge his claim of innocence. Tell him to stay away from her. Brilliant idea.
Confused9 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH. What your husband has been doing is unfair but for the sake of your sanity and your children you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do everything you can to move on (whether that be confronting him about it and working on your relationship or coming to the realization that you can't do it anymore.) He is getting defensive because he knows what he is doing and what he has been doing is wrong. If he wasn't doing something wrong he wouldn't be so defensive. You need to tell him you spoke to the OW and she admitted everything. Are you sure that she is telling you the whole truth? Perhaps something more happened and she isn't telling you because she doesn't want to be seen as a homewrecker? Just a thought. He seems a little too guilty for having an EA with someone who doesn't resipricate his feelings?
Author sillyme2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 I remember the day I heard the words, I rmember the expression on his face, and I felt stabbed/I still feel like that. We did a little MC by my suggestion, but the lady told him he may have ADD and then we havn't gone back. He claims it's because he has no ins,,,,he could have gotten some by now if he really wanted to try. The EA is worse I think, kinda like emotional abuse, and than to make me feel it's all in my head, or my fault. I wonder how he can lay next to me, act everyday like there is nothing wrong. I have asked him if there was anything he had to tell me even before I knew all this, he said ,"no why do YOU have something to tell me?" or he would say,"No, What do you think I have to tell you?" My head is a mess. Should I leave? Or should I pack his stuff and make him leave? He always told me if I made him leave he would never come back that would be it. So even if I did want to work on this and kicked him out there would be no chance. I am not even sure if I want to, I have done all I can in mind, I read books, I'm here, I go to therapy, Take meds, ect. I am not fat or ugly(in my mind I could be better but) I am not vain. So what to do?
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Put your foot down an make him come clean. That's what I did.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Jesus, this guy just has ZERO respect for you. Zero. And it's been going on for years. He doesn't care that you're hurt, he doesn't care that you're scared for the state of your marriage, he simply doesn't CARE. You've made a million excuses as to why you should stay with him, so you've already made up your mind to continue being disrespected by this jerk. He sounds like a complete as*shole and if you're hoping he's going to change, you're in for some serious disappointment. Only an a*sshole would continually hit on YOUR friends and then laugh in your face when you're hurt by it. But since you have a million excuses as to why you want to stay with this puke, are you looking for advice on how to continue allowing yourself to be disrespected and not let it bother you as much? Then my advice is to get Prozac. That should do it. It makes you numb. That way you can continue letting this jerkoff act like a 16 year old hormonal teenage boy.
newoldguy Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I am in a similar situation although my wife's affair wasn't with my friend. I'll tell you, do not blindly trust what he says. He will deny things and claim they're just friends and say nothing physical happened. Mine did the same. I now know my worst fears and gut instinct where correct. I finally got to the whole truth when a bill from a lab showed up for services rendered to test for STD's. Not a fun way of finding out. I think you need to take some time to figure out what you want. Can you forgive? Do you want to work on this relationship? Is it worth it? Right now I'm sure you're filled with doubt and anger, but those emotions need to be felt and given their own time to process. Time doesn't necessarily heal but it does temper your emotions and thoughts. It's just a damn bad situation that no one should have to go through. But, try to imagine that this is meant to teach you something (and maybe him too). We can't see the full purpose of what we have to endure but have faith you WILL get through it and when one door closes, another door opens. I wish you good luck.
Oakley Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Jesus, this guy just has ZERO respect for you. Zero. And it's been going on for years. He doesn't care that you're hurt, he doesn't care that you're scared for the state of your marriage, he simply doesn't CARE. You've made a million excuses as to why you should stay with him, so you've already made up your mind to continue being disrespected by this jerk. He sounds like a complete as*shole and if you're hoping he's going to change, you're in for some serious disappointment. Only an a*sshole would continually hit on YOUR friends and then laugh in your face when you're hurt by it. But since you have a million excuses as to why you want to stay with this puke, are you looking for advice on how to continue allowing yourself to be disrespected and not let it bother you as much? Then my advice is to get Prozac. That should do it. It makes you numb. That way you can continue letting this jerkoff act like a 16 year old hormonal teenage boy. ICEAISE hit the nail on the head with this post. A little blunt, but very true! I wish someone would have said this to me five years ago when I was going through a very similar situation. Silly, I've been a member here for quite a while, but never posted. I felt compelled to let you know that you're not alone in what's happened to you, I could have written your story... My xH was very much like yours, and nine years into our marraige I discovered that he had had many EA's, all with friends or employees of mine. At least two of them were pysical as well. I felt so stupid, blind, embarrassed, everything you're probably feeling now. One of his "crushes" was a friend of mine for many years, and after I got the courage to kick his butt out and file for divorce, she came to me and told me everything. He called her at all hours, showed up at her house, etc.... She rebuffed his advances, but never said a word to me while it was going on. She was afraid I wouldn't believe her, and our friendship would be destroyed. She also worked for me, and needed her job. When he wouldn't back down, and attempted to touch and kiss her, she quit without notice, which totally shocked me, I had no idea why she left! I love her and respect her to this day, and am so greatful to her for having the courage to tell me what happened, and hold her completely blameless. Most of these women were single moms, going through hard times both financially and emotionally, and he pretended to be their knight in shining armor. Sick. Guess what I'm trying to say is that HE is the one who is jacked-up, NOT YOU! He may even be NPD, like my x. If your gut is correct, and he has done this before, he has something terribly broken inside of him, and you can't fix him. You need to take care of you and your babies, and don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. These men lie, lie, lie.... and gaslight us to the point that we often question our own sanity. That is NOT love, Hon. I had distanced myself from family, even my sister and bff, because some part of me believed that I was crazy, hormonal, delusional, all the things he told me. We tried counceling after D-Days, separations, blah blah blah...but he was never committed to changing his behavior. Just waited til the dust settled and he was back at it again. The best thing I could have done is leave him, and I've never looked back. It has been a struggle for me and my kids, but I am greatful every day for the choice I made. I'm not advocating divorce, but for me it was the right thing to do. I got ME back, I'm not nuts after all! I'm a strong woman, good mother, and good person. So are you...
Author sillyme2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks all for your comments, I want to leave, have thought about it sence that day way back when. I think I am scared, scared of what life will be like. I made it through the holiday he came with me and the kids for christmas, and I thought for the kid's sake that was what I should do. Days before I think I had a mental break cuz I just went in the bathroom and cried and screamed, he came in all "baby why are you crying?" I yelled at him and just said get out get out, he was due for work anyway. So we went, christmas came and everytime I turned @ he was MIA, then I would go upstairs and he would be in the bathroom with that damn phone, and you can't say he took a s&*&&t because it didn't stink I went in after to see. Then apperantly Christmas Eve I was having a dream about telling him off, and woke myself up crying he was trying to get me to wake up too. I told him I hated him, because he hurt me, and he claims that he cried and was upset. Maybe he cried, but he couldnt have felt all the emotions I have. So he left early I stayed at my parents for another day, told him if he even wants a glimmer of hope for us he better find an MC, he replys..o ok I will just write a check for that....well from what I can tell he could've if he really wanted got ins a long time ago. I think I am ready to go, but god I am scared how will he react what about our kids? our pets? money? I am so scared and how do I leave just up and leave or what?
Confused9 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Silly, you need to really think about what you want to do. If you are leaning towards leaving...which it looks like you are...start preparing yourself for it. Do you have somewhere to go? Can you afford an apartment, etc. You need to have a plan so that it doesn't backfire and you become weak and go back home. If you and your H want to work things out and go to MC then that's fine, but you can do so while not living together. I just think he is only half heartedly trying. Spending Christmas on the phone while he knows you are upset then trying to be there for you. I mean, he is all over the place. I feel for you...I really do. Just know...no matter what we are here for you. I know that may seem small compared to what you are going through, but there are people going through this along side you. It sucks...but we'll make it through. If you can just up and leave...I would do it. People may disagree but he is clearly still having the A whether it's EA or PA and you don't deserve to stick around and wait for him to make up his mind. You should be #1.
Author sillyme2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Yes I do have somewhere to go. I agree that he has ZERO respect and even tonight I tried to see if he wanted to talk, so I asked what time he thought he would be home, his reply, "before 11 I guess". Thats it? So I guess he could care less whether we talk about this or not. I think no matter what I do it could not be any worse than living like this. My guess is maybe the potential OW had disregarded him and he is in a foul mood, prob blames me. Why not I get blamed for it all anyway. No matter how "nicely" I want this to go I am nervous there is just no way to go about it. I was hoping I could talk to him, tell him my plans at this point and get some sort of feeling from him as to whether he is living a lie, or actually gives a rats a$%^. I think I may just be fantasizing that he will beg me not to go. Hopeless I think logically as it seems over due. I'm full of emotion and I don't know which way is up anymore.
Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I know what you mean. when my fiance, x fiance, was breaking up with me and I had no idea why (now I know it was because he cheated and had the OW) I wanted to talk about it and he wouldn't. It was hard because he's in another state for work and I couldn't just have him there to talk to...it was over the phone, etc. so it was so much easier for him to just pull away from me. He didn't have to see my pain, he didn't have to deal with it. He was in a new state with new people living a life that I had no part of. I was so confused becasue one day he loved me and the next day it wasn't working. It was just so so sad. But, he wouldn't talk about anything with me. Even when he finally told me he was with another woman and they were having a baby it was via text and I called him repeatedly and he would not answer. But, he would text message me and email me?!?!?! I didn't get that and still don't. He either couldn't talk to me because it hurt him so bad OR he couldn't care less. Who knows? I don't think it's becasue he doesn't care less but maybe I am naive and in denial? I also never thought he would cheat or leave me...so I guess I have no idea what is true anymore. What I do know is that he chose this new life over me and I need to stop analyzing why, how, what, etc. I know that at some point I was in the way of his new life so he dropped my like a bad habit. I also know that he was selfish and NEVER EVER thought of my feelings during this whole thing so I need to try and do the same. I am 26 turning 27 next month. I was suppossed to be married to him and start having babies. Now I am single and in the worst emotional state I have ever been in. I can't allow this to break me. I can't allow him to have all this control. I NEED to get on with my life like he has. So I am trying SO hard to do that. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but there really is no other choice. He left and is not coming back. If he does come back it will never be the same. So therefore, my life will be without him - either way. As for you...I am glad you have somewhere to go. I say go. Get outta there. He doesn't deserve you right now.
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