New here....I need to vent

[GonebabyGone]

Well, I'm new to this site. My situation isnt that new and it's not that typical. I will try to keep it as short as possiable.

 

I have been with my husband for 5 years. We got married the the first time and it lasted over 2 years. We had some hard hits. First i got thyroid cancer and had two surgeries, then my dad had heart surgery where they discovered lung cancer, and then 6 weeks later tried to remove his right lung. I'm very close to my family and i took on mainly caring for my dad. Which my husband had a problem with but never told me, he told my dad. When he wouldnt fess up to me what he told my dad, I told him we needed sometime apart. He exploded and packed his things that day, the cops were called from the screaming, and he said he wanted a divorce. Two weeks after he left i got papers in the mail and i signed them the very next day. I had no intentions of it going that way but he was pretty cold and cruel. A month and a half later he finally talked to me civil. We tried to be friends and still go ahead with the dissolution and we did. Three months after it was final we got back together. He was desperate to be with me. Confessing his love and willing to accept anything. I told him since the split i had a lot of time to think and reinvent what was left of my life. Something i didnt want before but i did after the split, I wanted to have a child. Neither one of us have kids. Before we got back together he understood this, before he moved back in, before we remarried, and all the while living together married he understood this.

 

In Febuary my mom passed away and i was floored. He would just look at me and say nothing. He even made a few comments that sounded like he was happy she was gone. He became sneaky looking at porn on the net. The part that bothered me was being sneaky. It made me question trusting him since he didnt seem to be sneaky before. He was going into dirty chatrooms to watch ppl talk dirty. He said it was so he could have sex with me. Since the vasectomy he had before he ever met me was causing him to still have sexual problems. He even admitted the porn and all wasnt helping. I told him i though his problem was more mentally. When i expressed how his comments made my self esteem really low his response was "SO!" he just didnt care. And i wasnt feeling like me to begin with. Due to all the things i listed above. I still have health problems.

 

I had an appt. with a specialist to see if i could even have a baby. He had everything planned out. Come this income tax time he said we were using the money to buy donor sperm and everything! I made an appt. in July to see if i could ever have a child....It was eating me up to just know. Three weeks before the appt. he took a vacation day to go with me. It was on a tuesday and that sunday night i had left the house for awhile....while i was gone he packed his clothes and the computer and left. When i found him he said he didnt want any baby and he had been giving me hints. When a shark ad on tv came on he said children should be fed to sharks. That was to far fetched for me to take as a literal statement! He was serious he said.

 

By the time we could actually talk to one another he wouldnt talk about anything real. He blames me for everything. It was fine to talk about non-important things, but that was it. I finally got my chance to tell him how i felt and he did the typical....not say anything at all and got angry. He was coming around to just talk to my dad awhile back ago. He wouldnt talk to me. He acted like he wanted me to know he was angry but not talk.

 

I've had no choice but to move on. He left 5 months ago. We havent spoken in several months. This week he sent me a msg online and told me not to make plans for income tax cause its all going for dissolution or divorce, It's my choice. I sent msgs asking why he is still angry. He cannot be civil so i told him were not friends and we do not need to communicate. He is now leaving harassing msgs next to his msn IM directed at me. His latest is he got his sister to send him money for a divorce! I found out from an old friend all the lies he told about the last time we split up. When he did come back he even told his mom n dad they were not welcome here. His choice. That's who he ran back to tho. Now i'm sure he has mounted lies against me so they will help him.

 

I got a divorce packet myself and i filled it out and filed it yesterday. I cannot take the harassing and the strange behaviour. He is beyond angry. I still dont understand it and no one else that is close to us does either.

 

Family members of mine have seen him out. He now wears all black, long black coat, and some pendant around his neck. One of his msgs directly indicated he worships satan. He is sopossed to have a girlfriend now that is into witchcraft. I dont know him anymore. I'm scared of what he may do. Before i thought we had a problem and we could work it out. I was even willing to drop having a child of my own for the sake of my marriage. I leave him alone and he wants to show me the only way he can online that he hates me. Why?

 

My nerves are a mess and my blood pressure is way high! I'm only 29 yrs old....my blood pressure shouldnt be sky rocketing! He is 40 yrs old. Yes, We have an age difference.

 

I've talked to a counseling place about all this but it still doesnt make any sense to me. The way he is behaving they told me its cause for concern and left it at that.

 

I just dont know what to do. I didnt want to file those papers. I know if i didnt, he would. I have prayed over this and i feel God is telling me to keep moving forward and remove him from my life. And it hurts very badly still. I think of who he used to be....and it's not what he is today. He pushed for a remarriage. Now i feel as though he only came back because he was desperate and in the end he wanted to hurt me. He did a great job of it.

 

I've put alot of work into myself to allow myself to move forward. I'm still not with someone else, but i am feeling better today than i was back then. Now i'm scared of divorce, i'm scared of him, and i'm sad it has really came to this.

 

Sorry, It's so long. Thanks for letting me get it out.

[ElvenPriestess]

My heart just dropped when I read this. Wow. You are so strong and so brave to pick up yourself and move on after all that. Now you say the person he is now is not who he was before. Are you sure about that? From the beginning to the end of your story he's done nothing but treat you like crap. Think about the fact that he made that horrible comment about kids and sharks. Now really think, because I believe he may have supressed some things, but that the way he is now is more of his true personality. I just can't even fathom him being upset at you for taking care of your dad, then not seeming to care when your mom died, and sneaking porn. He may have seen you as the young beautiful girl he couldn't be with out, but he did not respect you. He cared only for himself, and was an a**hole. Wow, I'm getting all emotional here, my heart just goes out to you. I'm glad to hear you've been feeling a bit better. The life you had with him and the life he's chosen to lead now, need to be completely washed off your hands. A Godly, intelligent, strong, amazing person like yourself cannot have someone like that in your life AT ALL. He was terrible to you, and now you've found the strength and you broke free. And btw if you find these threats of his keep going, or if he tries to come near you and doesn't stop when you tell him to, things of that nature, I'd get legal help. He is unstable, that's for sure. He needs to stay away from you. Here's a HUGE cyber-hug. *HUG!* You're an incredible person, a survivor. God bless.

[GonebabyGone]

Wow, That was an eye opener! Thanks for the reply.

 

I dont feel strong but i also dont feel like he treated me like crap. Perhaps cause i'm to easy going and i let alot slide.

 

He supressed? I always thought before when i would talk to him and he wouldnt answer back, simply shut down, cross his arms, stare at the floor, that it was because he couldnt talk. Now it makes me wonder if it was in fact cause his true personality would come out.

 

Yes, He did tell my dad he was jealous. He was always like glue to me. It seems to me he couldnt handle myself taking care of another man even if it was my own dad. My mom passing away....didnt affect him at all. He wouldnt even hug me. He would just say he didnt know what to do so he did nothing at all.

 

I think you are right...he didnt respect me. He loved the fact that i was younger than him. Guys at his work would tease him about my being younger and he would have a smile on his face. He said he didnt like women his own age. But his first exwife was his own age.

 

I do see him as unstable now. Others around me have said the same thing and i read that even you do too. That's what scares me. I dont really know this person and what they will do. I really do need to know what i can do to make him stay away. I know once he gets the divorce papers....he is going to go crazy. I'm fully expecting a knock at the door.

 

Thank you again for your reply you have helped me. Thank you for your compliments, hugs, those are always a help. and God bless you.

[WaterTiger]

Congradulations on your divorce! (I know that sounds wierd) But really, it's the best thing that could have happened to you. This man sounds truely unstable, possible even pychopathic (They don't HAVE emotions, and are unable to cope with emotions of others) You are so much better off without him.

 

I also agree that you should have a restaining order instated at the FIRST sign of trouble!

[GonebabyGone]

Yea, Does sound weird to read congradulations on a divorce lol At first i was devastated. But, I've done some "me" work and i'm moving forward. Still have my moments but thats all they are now is moments.

 

He is very unemotional. Not just in the typical "It's a guy thing" it moves beyond that. Everyone he has ever met that i know always says the same thing "Theres something strange about him. Maybe its cause he is quiet?" I think they were trying hard to be polite.

 

It wasnt until life became hard that i saw alot more than i thought was there before. His first exwife actually went into counseling before she left him and was still in it after she left. I believe now that was a sign!

 

Now that he has proven to me he is unstable, I'm not going to be nice and feel sorry for him anymore, I will do something if there is trouble.

[ElvenPriestess]

Good for you! You have to look out for yourself. He's only out for himself, and he's quite scary if you ask me. Which now that you're getting this squared away, you need to and have to focus on you. And that means your own safety, your own well being, and your own mental, emotional happiness.