WilliamWallace Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 For starters, a bit about my past. I am an attractive 20 something guy with great energy and an awesome career. I have lots of friends both male and female. I have dated a number of women but have only been in "love" once. Distance since college could be to blame for that not working out. At the start of the year, I met a girl at work who blew my mind. In fact the first time I met her, I told myself I would wait till she was leaving her job, which I knew was a matter of months, then ask her out. I was crazy about her and did not want to jeopardize my career. She felt the same way only began acting on it. I knew she wanted to go out and against my wishes we went out. We dated a few times. She really opened up to me. Even talked about me meeting her family. I met her sister for the second date. Normally this would have turned me off but there was something too familiar about her. I trully liked this girl. I was aware she had broken off a long relationship but never got into the details. Nothing ever got too heated after these dates. Our last date, things started to heat up while we were alone. She then pulled away and stated that "I didn't want her. She was too screwed up from her past relationship." We had an awkward conversation where she disclosed that he had lived a "double life" where he had cheated. My mind was blank and it was getting late so I walked her to her car and kissed her goodbye. She didn't return my future phone calls, which were not too many. All the while, at worked she remained flirty and would still gaze at me. She wound up dating some other guy who became her F buddy. I started dating some different women. It has been 9 months now. What has always been in my head is that we should have been great together, the timing was terrible. She had just found out her ex had been cheating. After our first date, I found out my ex had been sleeping with one of my closest friends. We worked together so I wasn't able to foster the dating mentality when I saw her at work. Since then I have been through a few failed relationships. I have not felt anywhere near the connection I had with this girl. In the movies it would be possible to win her back. Real life, I am not so sure. The easy answer is, forget her. That's too easy. I want her back and I need some help on how to do it. My worry is that I will come off as hung-up, desperate or creepy. I kind of feel like all of those. But on the positive, I feel we are meant for one another. Could you please help me out with this one? What should I say? What should I not say? Is being open really the right thing to do? Thanks and Merry Christmas!
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I can see why you're torn. On one hand, she's got this F buddy in her life, but on the other hand you have strong feelings that haven't simmered. Do you guys still talk? I mean, did you decide to still be friends? Either way, what I would do is, if you can talk to he face to face, take it back to that moment. Things were fine between you two and she made a terrible assumption with "you don't want me." Try explaining to her that if you hadn't wanted her, you wouldn't have been dating her. That you're very sorry that she was hurt by someone else, but it doesn't reflect how you feel about her. You still care for her and would like to pick up where you left off. She's obviously got some hang ups, and she can either let them ruin what could be great, you sound like a good guy, or she can take more control over herself and her past. Best of luck!
Author WilliamWallace Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 You make great sense. My dilemma is that she is no longer working at the same place. At this point I haven't spoke to her in a month. Her friend now works her old job. Should I tell the friend I need to speak to her? Should I tell the friend how I feel? Any help would is sooo appreciated.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 If she's her friend she just might have some good advice. You could try talking to this friend outside of work just say "Hey I was thinking of calling her, do you think she'd like that?" I mean really you have no closure. The way you guys ended was aweful, and you need the chance to reconcile, if for nothing else than your own peace of mind. Just make sure you approach her outside of work. ;-) And you don't necessarily need to give the friend details, as it doesn't really involve her, unless you both feel comfortable with that.
Author WilliamWallace Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Again it sounds real good. It will definitely be awkward to get her to meet after work. It will be the first time spending any non-work time with her, the friend. But it will be more comfortable. Is that why you say make sure its outside of work? But I appreciate your thoughts soooo much! I'll be going through with this in several hours so hopefully you'll keep an eye out. Thanks again.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Oh wow! Well I'll check up and you keep me posted because I'd LOVE to have an update. Keeping it outside of work keeps you both more comfortable as you don't have others around you don't want to hear, keeps the work place strictly work, and professional, which is how it should be. So don't feel awkward asking the friend, just say "Hey I wanted to ask you your opinion on something, but it's not work related so could we chat for a few after work (or on a break or whatever)?"
sunshinegirl Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Things were fine between you two and she made a terrible assumption with "you don't want me." Hmm. It seems to me that most people who say things to this effect ("I'm not good enough for you" / "you deserve someone better than me" / "you don't want me, I'm screwed up") have very deep-seated self-esteem issues that don't disappear upon being assured that you're a good person and will treat them right. And the good person seems to often make the mistake of thinking that their love will heal that person's insecurities (it won't). I don't mean to paint a doomsday scenario by any means, but I would encourage you to not dismiss what she said. I guess just be aware that if you decide to pursue her, you may be taking on bigger issues than you think.
Author WilliamWallace Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 OH I do realize that self-esteem plays a role in this situation...I know its going to be tough...She was lied to, cheated on, and heartbroken...But who ever wanted something that came easy...The upside is worth it as she is amazing...I appreciate your feedback though...And also your care...You have a wonderful Holiday! So today, I went in to ask the friend to meet after work...She asked if I had spoken with this girl whom this whole thing is regarding...Easy enough I didn't have to bring her up in convo as the friend did this...Gave me her number and I'm gonna call her later... Wish me luck!
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Best of luck, but hey, don't get your expectations too high. You have to be prepared for the possibility that you might not like what you hear.
Author WilliamWallace Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Gotcha...I expect to be very disappointed with the outcome but hope for the best...I've been around the block a few times so I know what types of barriers I have...I just hope I don't divulge too much information...I have that habit when I get nervous...The girl deserves a winner and so do I... What would you say I should be going for in this conversation...Should I call her?...Has she shown interest in me?...Do I got a fightin chance coach?...lol...Do you think she likes me? Thanks Elven Priestess
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Gotcha...I expect to be very disappointed with the outcome but hope for the best...I've been around the block a few times so I know what types of barriers I have...I just hope I don't divulge too much information...I have that habit when I get nervous...The girl deserves a winner and so do I... What would you say I should be going for in this conversation...Should I call her?...Has she shown interest in me?...Do I got a fightin chance coach?...lol...Do you think she likes me? Thanks Elven Priestess Yes you should call her, so that if nothing else you can move on with your life. Now what did I say about expectations? None. That means good OR bad right? ;-) Do you have a chance? I couldn't say unless I'd talked to her myself. Does she like you? I'm sure she does love, but she's scared. She's trapped by her own fears and hang ups from the past. What should you be going for? Just tell her that things felt open when she left because you never got to talk to each other, and that you'd like that opportunity. Then as rationally as possible explain to her that you just want to know where she stands as far as things with you are concerned. This is how I would do things.
Author WilliamWallace Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 Well nothing good to report...She's dating some new guy and happy...Friend doesn't think it is a good idea to call Thanks all...Merry Xmas!!!
Racquel Colette Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Yeah, I could have told you she just wasn't that into you when she started being F buddies with a random guy at work after the night with you. That was a sure sign she just wasn't into you (but was instead into the F buddy, but was just being nice when she stated 'you didn't want her' to take the sting of having to tell you she just wasn't that into you.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Well nothing good to report...She's dating some new guy and happy...Friend doesn't think it is a good idea to call Thanks all...Merry Xmas!!! Well there you go. You can move on with your life, and eventually you'll meet someone new and wonderful. :-) Aren't you glad you know for sure what's what with her so you can go forward?
Jilly Bean Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I don't think it was bad timing. I think she sounds like a very damaged woman, and I think were you to still be involved with her, it would have been a hellish roller coaster for you. I think the Universe brought her to you to remind you to follow your passions and what you want in a woman, but ultimately, she was not built for the long haul. I mean, the next guy she meets is a **** buddy? That should tell you a lot right there, hon. Just realize you are only missing what you "think" it could have been, but that most likely would have been very far from the reality.
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