HabitualDelirium Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Main Issue: I am in love with a boy and want to become more serious with him but I have the issue of my parent's dissaproval constantly lingering in the back of my mind, and this is a major strain on my relationship. Are my parents right by telling me not to continue this relationship? If I should follow my heart, how should I go about approaching my parents about such a sensitive issue? The Details: I've been having this debate for the duration of my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been going out with him for about 1.5 years, and we are deeply in love. I can't imagine my life with anyone else because of how compatible we are. However, the main strain on our relationship is my parents. I am still 18, and just began my freshman year in college. I dorm and my boyfriend drives 1-2 hours to see me every weekend, bringing me his homemade pies and whatever he feels will make me happy, and another 1-2 hours back. We're constantly trying to make eachother happy in everyway, and every conflict we've gotten into has been solved extremely quickly because of our great ability to communicate. However, my parents do not approve of my boyfriend. I have what many would could the stereotypical strict asian parents with certain delusions of how my life should be. My mother has told me constantly that she does not like Kevin (the boy I'm dating). She has even said very rude things in front of him (about how he is a slacker and will get no where). And why does she believe this? Because he is currently going to community college. She believes that I should only work hard in school and wait to meet a very rich man (specifically a Doctor). My father thinks I should study, study, study to become a Doctor (No dating or doing things I enjoy.. like volunteering). My mother is constantly trying to find ways to pull me away from him verbally. Furthermore, Kevin did slack off from community college at first, and even got kicked out of his home last year due to a fight with his parents. This has further built my mother's idea that Kevin is a bad person even though he had every right to get into that argument with his parents. However, since then, Kevin has been working a lot harder with dreams to go to school with me. He's moved back in with his family, and has had a much better relationship with his family because of me. His family loves me and treats me very well. However, everytime I go out with him when I'm at home (for Winter Break such as now), I have problems. I helped his mother plan a surprise birthday party for him... but because my mom planned her family's Christmas on the same day (without informing me until the last minute), she forced me to not attend his birthday (Luckily, chances changed dates so I could attend both things). Kevin's mom is very worried that I'm not completely honest with my mother, claiming that if I was honest my mother would understand how much Kevin means to me and not force me to do things against my will. In honesty, I have not verbally told my mom how serious I am with Kevin. I am afraid I will lose her trust and motherhood. Furthermore, my father is rash and I'm afraid I'll lose connections with him, too, if I admit I'm in love with this boy they dissaprove of. At the same time, I feel what my mother says is true sometimes... That maybe Kevin will be poor and not able to support me. That maybe I am making a mistake by choosing a love so young. That maybe that fact that he's only in community college or got kicked out of his house shows that he won't be devoted to me? Should I be so concern about financial issues? Or is following my heart the better idea? But at the same time, I am so in love with him. I see him as perfect for me emotionally (Maybe not financially? It is a bit soon to evaluate the financial part as we're both in college...) But he feels that I am constantly cutting time off from him, or acting weird around him because of my parents (I'm very uptight around my parents and try to hide the relationship because of my fear of their dissapproval). He feels that I am 18, and that I am an adult and should not be so afraid of making choices by myself (Because I am constantly asking my parents to go out, and try really hard to get back by curfew, and ignore him sometimes on the phone when my mom starts talking to me). And now he's starting to hate my parents. His family is very accepting and can not understand why my parents are so strict and dissaproving, and I feel at times that the blame is on me for not doing something to sway my parents mind. I'm just getting annoyed now, because I KNOW I'm doing something wrong, and really want to fix it. I want my family to accept my boyfriend, and I want my boyfriend to accept them. Is it the right time? Should I wait til I'm older to confront my parents about me choosing Kevin (Wait til Kevin and I get settled)? I'm so afraid that if they dissaprove of me and disown me, I'll lose my college tuition that they are paying for. Kevin said he'll drop out and support me if anything bad happens, but I don't want that. I just need some opinions because my parent's dissaproval of my boyfriend is really putting stress on our relationship, and I feel I am too young and unstable to fight against it.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Hi HB. Yours is such a sensitive topic that it is very difficult to offer much in a medium such as this. There is your age, your culture, the importance of positive parent-child relationships... GENERALLY, both you and your parents need to gain a better and fuller *understanding* of the "other" perspective. You don't need to ACCEPT all of their values and beliefs, and they don't need to ACCEPT any of yours. But all of you must accept that there are differences, and learn to appreciate and respect those differences. Is there an adult you trust (aunt, uncle, faith leader, older sibling) whom you can confide in and ask to intervene on your behalf? Do not ask for "everything at once" -- choose one smaller thing and try to negotiate a bit more freedom around it. The smaller it is, the easier it will be on your parents -- remember that they are as frustrated and confused as you are! They want what's best for you, and it is hard for them to have to start realizing that they don't necessarily know what that is. They may say, "we just want you to be happy" - to which you can respectfully ask, "what if my idea of what will make me happy is different than yours?" Perhaps they haven't even considered that, yet. You are not doing anything "wrong" according to your own values, which are the ones you'll be living with the rest of your life. You are not doing anything wrong. From your parents' perspective, however, it is "wrong". That is just an opinion based on their values. But it still does not make your own needs, wants, thoughts and actions "wrong" in any way. Because of your age, you may need to be guided by, and live by your parents' beliefs and values for a few more years, until you are financially independent. That is a frustrating current reality that will change as you grow into full adulthood. Becoming emotionally independent will include finding ways to clearly and lovingly communicate your beliefs and desires, and ensuring that people respect yours in the same way that you respect theirs. Best of luck. This is difficult but let it be some comfort that it will not last forever.
Recommended Posts