fral945 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I just wanted to get some opinions on this. I'm single & in my late 20s and just wondering, for those of you in successful marriages, what do you think are the most important things to look for in a marriage partner? And for those of you that haven't been successful, what was the main cause or causes of your seperation or divorce? And what kind of advice would you give me (a single 20 something) looking for a partner? Since I'm not married and never have been, I'm not sure what kind of issues would become dealbreakers in a marriage than may not come up just dating. I'd like to be happily married one day and figure I might be able to get some practical advice here. I'd prefer to learn from others mistakes and not make too many on my own, lol. Thanks in advance.
Lizzie60 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 My 1st advice... don't get married... The qualities I'd be looking for in a 'partner' : - intelligent - good communicator - funny - good lover - good cook - clean - no addictions - non smoker - well dressed, good taste, classic - respectful - who loves oral (receive and give) - generous - helpful - energetic - strong, confident - emotionally secure - good looking - tall, dark and handsome - can write without mistakes in French and English am I asking for too much?
Curmudgeon Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 am I asking for too much? I'm sure if we put six or seven men together they could collectively meet your "needs!" Surely you don't really believe all those attributes could actually be found in one mere mortal, do you? I was doing Ok until the French connection. It was my family's second language (my Grandmere's first) but I've forgotten much over the years from lack of use. For Fral: What you should seek depends entirely upon who and what you are, what you consider important, your idea of deal-breakers, your values and beliefs... In other words, no one size fits all. Despite some recent issues I guess you could consider my marriage "successful" because it's still intact and because my wife and I, for all our differences, truly love one another; are faithful and loyal. I think each of us looked for different things in a partner and spouse. I looked for an equal in many ways. She looked for stability and commitment. Only you can determine what your want-to-haves and your need-to-haves are. Just don't settle!
Passionate69 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Most important qualities in a marriage partner? here's mine.... beast in bed financialy stable smart strong emotionaly &physically matured hard working clean respectful ambitious loyal etc..etc...etc well...it doesn't have to be everything on the list but atleast most of that character He has.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I think it's intellectual stimulation. He needs to feed your mind. Compatibility is key. I'm not one for opposites attract. Love is complicated enough to add differences that are too broad to come together. Make a list of your attributes and this should give you an idea of what you are interested in and admire in others. It also helps to be in or find someone in a recession free industry (especially during times like these). Academia, Healthcare, etc.
Curmudgeon Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Compatibility is key. I'm not one for opposites attract. Love is complicated enough to add differences that are too broad to come together. That can be half the fun! To be fair, it can also be half the frustration.
Author fral945 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 For Fral: What you should seek depends entirely upon who and what you are, what you consider important, your idea of deal-breakers, your values and beliefs... I do have my own list, but I didn't list it because I figure everyone's is different. I guess I'm just trying to find out if there are certain issues that come up more often than others that you all have to deal with that you didn't realize until you were married. Sometimes you don't see the problems until you're in the line of fire, so to speak.
Curmudgeon Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I do have my own list, but I didn't list it because I figure everyone's is different. I guess I'm just trying to find out if there are certain issues that come up more often than others that you all have to deal with that you didn't realize until you were married. Sometimes you don't see the problems until you're in the line of fire, so to speak. I think much of it/most of it boils down to love, respect, honesty, loyalty and commitment. To me, those are essential ingredients. Anything else is either a plus or just not that important. By the weay, you never see ALL the potential problems. It's how you handle them when they arise that counts.
Curmudgeon Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Most important qualities in a marriage partner? well...it doesn't have to be everything on the list but atleast most of that character He has. I'll leave it to you to discover the "missing" ingredient!
quankanne Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 • someone willing to give his all for the betterment of the marriage • someone who understands the art of compromise (see above, about betterment of marriage) • someone who values honesty, respect and loyalty in self and others • someone who ISN"T high maintenance, but can just enjoy hanging out • someone who is perfectly comfortable to spend time alone as he is to spend time with me • someone who knows how to share/be generous • someone who puts others first (again, is generous) • someone who has a sense of humor • someone who can go with the flow and not freak out when things are going crappy • someone who can still love my friends and family because they're a part of me even if they do manage to drive him crazy from time to time • someone who likes kids, but isn't afraid to be authoritative when he needs to be • someone who is gentle with critters and old people and babies
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 The entire enchilada, including a side of mexi-fries.
OldEurope Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 My 1st advice... don't get married... The qualities I'd be looking for in a 'partner' : - intelligent - good communicator - funny - good lover - good cook - clean - no addictions - non smoker - well dressed, good taste, classic - respectful - who loves oral (receive and give) - generous - helpful - energetic - strong, confident - emotionally secure - good looking - tall, dark and handsome - can write without mistakes in French and English am I asking for too much? Ahem...That would be my hubby... And he speaks German and Latin (yes Latin) as well. (clap clap clap....)
HabitualDelirium Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I'm still young and can't really fathom how much finances can intrude into a relationship... But has anyone had major problems financially? Should you choose someone you love but may make significantly less than you (this is speaking from a woman's point of view, if that makes a difference)? Or should finances not really play a large part when looking for a spouse?
kkthxbye Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Looking back on one failed marriage, and now being in the best marriage I could, and loving every minute of our adventure, I have basically just one piece of advice. And I'll put it out there as if talking to myself at 23, right before I said "I Do" the first time: "Hey chickie, do you even know yourself?" the answer was no. I didn't know what I wanted, or why I wanted what I did know. So, I was not prepared to offer anything of myself to a SO. Life experiences, ups and downs, good and bad things, helped give me understanding as to my priorities and values in life. Here goes: 1. Financial stability. Can your future SO depend on himself, and you on yourself? Bringing debt into a marriage is a bad idea, its been done, and recovered from, but it takes away precious time the two of you can spend doing fun things. Stressing over money will happen regardless of your onset dating with your ducks in a row, things happen, loss of job, moving, etc. But, you can be better prepared for them knowing how to set up options in advance. I know, easier said than done, just speaking from experience. 2. Things in common. People are going to change as they grow and mature. You may find you have different things in common on year 10 then you did at year 5. Its not always a bad thing. Just try not to grow apart, grow together, compromise, and try new things that you both can have in common again should the need arise. 3. Passion. Are you a passionate person? Is he? Don't go into a marriage expecting to change the person into what you want. Accept them for who they are now, and love them for it. If you can't be ok with the whole package, don't regret this later. Things happen, menopause, depression, promotions, children, lots of things will come from many directions testing your strength together, your bond. If you are on the same wavelength from the start about sex and passion, it will help you get through some times ahead. 4. Religion. Some people are ok with religious and spiritual differences. I have found that if you're on the same page spiritually, it enhances the marriage. Just my experience here 5. Goals. If you are an ambitious gal, and your man isn't this may be a problem down the road. See "things in common" again. LOL You don't want to call him lazy in 5 years because his goals aren't close to yours. Have a vision together. It will most likely change as life comes at you, and that's what its all about. But, always remember what brought you together first. And try to keep that spark alive. 6. Be honest. Firstly, be honest with yourself. Be open with yourself. Take care of yourself mentally and physically for the whole well being of you. With you doing great, you're better prepared to be a great spouse to your SO, and be a parent to your kids. Know your limits of sacrifice, and make sure to come back to yourself at the end of the day. Your family will appreciate it w/out really knowing it. And lastly, don't forget to have fun. This is your life, a gift to all of us in the world. Enjoy it. Its a ride, and it gets bumpy, but if it didn't, you'd never have that awesome story to tell us someday. Good luck to you!!
luvstarved Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I agree with loyalty and mutual respect as requirements for a successful marriage. I also agree that it is important for you to know what is important to you, there is a wide continuum of dealbreakers that vary from person to person. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. Spiritual compatibility may be it for another person. Must love dogs, etc...those you have to decide for yourself. But there are two others that I think are pretty universal and I do not think they were mentioned above...pardon the redundancy if they have and I missed it... 1) physical attraction/compatibility. I have gotten involved with guys that I just was not physically attracted to and it has never worked out. THat is not to say that physical attraction guarantees sustained passion or that physical attraction must be immediate, a person could well "grow on you" that way but still be physically attractive to you eventually...BUT I think it is always a mistake to be with someone that you aren't and could never be jazzed about sexually...I like to say, if you ever had it, you can always get it back...but if you never had it, you never will. And at some point, you will miss that part and probably have resentment over it. So "he is a nice guy and is probably good for me" is not enough. 2) the capacity for true intimacy. I say this while still thinking that many if not most people live their lives without it. I do believe that for a truly HAPPY marriage, this is key, so I would be alert to signs of this. True intimacy includes respect and loyalty and honesty and all of that...but it is a little more...it is also about emotional openness and allowing yourself to be vulnerable...I think this is the part that propels a relationship into the "transcendental" sphere. To have someone who uniquely understands and accepts you as you are, feels secure and comfortable to speak their deepest truths to you, and is able to hear yours as well. This is really hard to achieve, but to me it is what every marriage should strive for. In the end, I think that is what most people really want.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Well I've been unsuccessful, but that doesn't mean I won't learn for a future whoever, and here's what I've learned. (experience points towards the next relationship, whenever it may come) HONESTY- FIRST AND FOREMOST! Communication- Don't let it drop off! Intimacy- Don't let it drop off! Guidelines- Make sure you both understand each other good and well, and make it clear what is and is not acceptable to you both Friends- Avoid complete and total isolation (I never had that problem but it's a good one er, bad one. You know) Serving- You must serve the other first in the marriage, not yourself first Think: What can I do for him/her? NOT What can I do for myself?
DazedandConfused66 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Deep enough spiritually and emotionally that she didn't use a checklist she picked up out of Cosmo or Vogue or the internet to determine whether or not we are a "match." That was my qualification. It worked. 20 years later, still working.
cj1988 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I have no idea anymore......what you think you want and what people REALLY turn out to be are 2 different things !
Trialbyfire Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Realistically speaking, what turns your crank? You can list all you want but when it comes to attraction and what makes you fall for someone, who knows? I know I don't...
lindya Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I'm sure if we put six or seven men together they could collectively meet your "needs!" I think Lizzie's got that one covered without our assistance. To the question - which I'm not qualified to answer, but will have a crack at anyway. I'm pretty certain that I'd be happy with the male version of myself as a marriage partner. Perhaps there will come a day when it's possible for us to clone ourselves, only with opposite sex body parts.
Touche Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I can't believe no one has mentioned this. For me, having had one failed marriage behind me and one successful one (married over 12 years) it comes down to temperament, temperament, temperament. I'm serious. That's what I found to be THE key. I mean when I compare my failed marriage and past relationships with my now successful one, that's what it comes down to. Of course the person's character is key. But let's say you both communicate well, you love each other, you have similar goals and interests, etc. but you have two entirely different temperaments. You're pretty optimistic and upbeat but your partner is mostly negative and pessimistic and moody. In my experience that alone can break a potentially good relationship. It really can. Comparable values and intelligence level is WAY up there in importance as well. Very, very important. Too many differences in the areas I mentioned will more than likely doom any relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 You're pretty optimistic and upbeat but your partner is mostly negative and pessimistic and moody. I'm guessing this would be a deal-breaker way, way before any thoughts of marriage came to mind. An eternal pessimist will always self-prophesize a relationship to death.
Touche Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I'm guessing this would be a deal-breaker way, way before any thoughts of marriage came to mind. An eternal pessimist will always self-prophesize a relationship to death. I know what you're saying but sometimes, like with my ex, it's not all that obvious. It's more compartmentalized. I mean his negative attitude and moodiness were mostly about other things outside of our relationship. But of course that should have been a huge red flag because once we were married that fact changed. It got more "personal" if you will. I should have known that you can't be one way in most other areas of your life and another in your relationship. I was blind and ignorant.
Trialbyfire Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I know what you're saying but sometimes, like with my ex, it's not all that obvious. It's more compartmentalized. I mean his negative attitude and moodiness were mostly about other things outside of our relationship. But of course that should have been a huge red flag because once we were married that fact changed. It got more "personal" if you will. I should have known that you can't be one way in most other areas of your life and another in your relationship. I was blind and ignorant. I understand. It's as if, once he "owned" you and felt secure, his negativity/moodiness was applied to you. Another example of taking a partner for granted and not appreciating that they are with you for a reason but won't necessarily stay with you, if you badly mistreat them.
Curmudgeon Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I can't believe no one has mentioned this. For me, having had one failed marriage behind me and one successful one (married over 12 years) it comes down to temperament, temperament, temperament. I'm serious. That's what I found to be THE key. I mean when I compare my failed marriage and past relationships with my now successful one, that's what it comes down to. Of course the person's character is key. APPROACH is everything. With the ex, it was all high drama and "biiiiig trouble." My wife's comparitive, low-key approach is so much more enjoyable and effective.
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