IWALH Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Most of the time I am very happy with my life and the direction it is going. I am doing well in all aspects of my life and nothing is going wrong. I actually just found out that I got straight A's this semester (I took over a full load of classes!) and I am so proud of myself and happy about that. Most of the time I can push xMM out of my mind when he creeps into it. Most of the time I think with a clear head and realize that it was all a game for him and nothing of what he said to me was the truth. Most of the time I see him just as he is, and I am probably the only one that sees who he truly is because he puts on such a facade with everyone in his life. He is a liar and a manipulator and will say whatever it takes to whoever he is talking to so he can get whatever he wants. Period. But sometimes.... every once in a while.... it's really hard to see things with a clear head. Thoughts of things he has said to me in the past start to creep in and no matter how hard I try, they don't go away for a while. Today is one of those days. Maybe it's because I just got back from a vacation that we were planning on going on together back when we were talking and planning things.... Maybe it's because I had a dream with him in it last night after having not dreamt about him in a long time. I am not sure why I am thinking about him so longingly, but the point is I am thinking about him like this.... and I don't like it. I know it will pass. I just hate that this happens at all. I am so smart and I know deep inside that how I feel about him the majority of the time is how I should be thinking about him. He lied to me, nothing he said was true, his feelings weren't true... or were they? Were his feelings real? Did he not call me the next day because I told his wife things he didn't want me to tell her? Was he really planning on leaving her, but in a more subtle way than it was happening at the time? Did he have to stay with her because she was threatening him with monetary things or their children? These are the thoughts and questions that pop into my head when I am feeling like this. Did I ruin it? If I would have just not spoken to her at all would he have come down to get me on the 4th of July? Would he be divorced by now? Would we be living together? Was he really purposely trying to sabotage his marriage last year so she would divorce him? I know that the truthful and real answer to all of these questions is NO. No, his feelings weren't true. No, he wasn't planning on leaving her. No, she wasn't threatening him so he would stay. No, I didn't ruin anything. If he really felt the way he felt and really loved me, then he would have come down to get me, or at least call that day. No, he wouldn't be divorced by now. No, we wouldn't be living together. All of the plans we made were just things he was saying to appease me and make me believe him so he could have his cake and eat it, too. Then again, how much cake was he really eating when we lived 9 hours apart from each other and I only saw him about 4 times during the half a year or so that we were talking again? How could he have just been looking to "get laid" if we only slept together a few times because of the distance? Was he just "laying the ground work" so when I was up there he could "get some?" Why would he do that? Why would he put his marriage at risk that much by sneaking around and communicating with me if he really wanted to be with her? It's times like these that I wish I had that real closure from him. For him to just tell me that it was all a lie and he was just telling me those things so I would continue to see him and sleep with him when I was up there. But the last time this happened he told me that he did feel everything and the reason we couldn't be together the first time was because I ruined it all by telling his wife everything and she would end up using that against him and he would lose everything he worked so hard for. UGH!!! He would probably tell me the same thing again if I were to talk to him now. I maintain no contact for those two reasons. 1.) I am terrified of him telling me that it was all a lie and for him to confirm my stupidity in believing him. Or 2.) I don't want him to tell me it was my fault again and then fall into his "trap" again. It will pass.... it always does. But when this happens, well, it sure does suck! Oh and yeah, I know: "I deserve it. I got what I asked for by sleeping with a married man." Spare me any of those sort of comments, they are typical and I already know. I am posting here because I have nowhere else to vent about him....
imstunned Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Congratulations on the grade A's !! I dont really have any advice or words of wisdom, what you are feeling today, I am stuck in everyday. Take comfort in the fact that you feel it will pass. hugs to you.
norajane Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 IWALH - you have a child with this man, correct? Does he visit his child? Ever? If not, there's your proof that YOU did not ruin anything. HE is not capable of loving anyone, not even his own child.
Gwyneth Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Congratulations on your straight A's! Just like anything else, it takes a long time to get over someone or something especially when you were deeply affected by it. I do not see anything wrong or unusual about what you are dealing with. It's very similiar to losing a close or loved one to death--we mourn them for a Very long time. You are still mourning your R with this MM--even if it was based on false intentions, you are still mourning what you had with him. Concentrate on your excellent school grades and you will soon be getting Straight A's in not thinking about ex-MM! You must be doing pretty well considering you were able to accomplish straight A's--which takes a Lot of hard work, integrity, and intense concentration.
Lyssa Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Congratulations on your straight A's!! Feels good, doesn't it? It's great that you don't let anything come in between your studies! Again, congrats!!
phoenixrising Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I've found the most difficult thing about moving on is that there simply is no resolution. As you can't read his mind you can never know whether he stayed because of his commitment to family, his bond to the wife, fear of making a change - or because he simply didn't love you enough. When a single guy breaks up with you, you get it... and you move on. When something happens with the MM - well, we simply have to live with not knowing what's behind his choices. I finally broke it off with exMM after 3 years, and at a time we were closer than ever. And I still have all those same questions you do, wondering what might have happened had I waited... my heart still aches. ... but the vision of him sleeping with his W each night helped me to move on. I know that I had to let him go to get the question answered. The answer may not come soon, but I truly believe that if a man wants to be with you, he'll find a way. If he doesn't, he won't. In the meantime, we move on with our lives, knowing we can love.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Congratulations on staying strong, getting great grades and getting on with your life. I hope you and your daughter are doing well.
White Flower Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I feel your pain and can only say hang in there. I know when the semesters come to an end you're not so busy and have time to dwell on issues you were too busy with before. Focus on the holidays and spending time with your beautiful child. Take care and good luck:)
OWoman Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 iwalh, you did what was best and right for you (and your daughter) at the time. Whichever road we take, the "what ifs" of the other road always remain and we can never know, only imagine. Your road seems to be a good one, and you seem to be doing really well - that's great! It doesn't sound like you "broke" anything - you seem to be building a great future for yourself and your daughter. It might seem tough at times like now when you look back, but no tougher than it was at the time you chose to take this road. And certainly no tougher than some of the other possible outcomes! Oh, and well done on your results. A real success story to be proud of!
torranceshipman Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Woah straight A's? That is awesome - well done! You are obviously very intelligent and strong - and sounds like you have a lovely daughter too... You've said so many sensible things in that post - just...don't look for closure - you don't need it. I bet it is more loneliness or too much downtime on your hands or wishing to meet a great guy that cleared a space in your mind to let thoughts of this guy creep back in. Seriously, if a 6foot freakin hot guy swept you off your feet tomorrow, would you really give a crap about the old xMM? Nope, thought not (-; The guy is toxic and you need to just stay away from him...you can do better, don't let feeling lonely, bored, momentarily down, longing for a lovely boyfriend etc trick you into thinking you actually care about that douchebag again! Cause you don't! Now go celebrate those awesome grades
child_of_isis Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Wow IWALH...you have come so far! Just ride through the bad days. Do what you have to do to get through them. You are showing amazing strength.
Author IWALH Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 IWALH - you have a child with this man, correct? Does he visit his child? Ever? If not, there's your proof that YOU did not ruin anything. HE is not capable of loving anyone, not even his own child. This comment made me kind of have a "light-bulb moment." He has never once attempted to maintain any kind of contact with his daughter. His wife was the one that was pushing for contact with her in the beginning (when I was still pregnant and adamant about not wanting anything to do with them). He has never shown any kind of true interest in our daughter. Even when we were "together" he was always talking about me... about how much he loved me and how great it would be when we were together and making all these plans. But he rarely EVER brought her up. It was all about me and him. I told him a few times it bothered me. To which he just made some sly comment to appease me like "I am a great daddy, you'll see when we are living together." But yeah, in reality, he is not a great daddy. He truly DOESN'T care about anyone but himself.... he just makes everyone around him think he does.
Author IWALH Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Thank you guys for all of your words of encouragement. I had this huge long reply that included a few other things that really bug me sometimes about the situation, but they would probably spark a discussion and I don't have the time to be part of one right now. But thank you all, truly, for your support. It means a lot. It does get hard at times (though the thoughts I was having when I originally posted this have passed again, like always), and it's nice to have somewhere to go to talk about it. Thanks again.
Zolie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Hello, IWALH. One of the things I firmly believe about why the end of an affair is so much harder to get over, than say a more conventional relationship is hard to get over, is because we are not totally convinced it is over. Even if we know intellectually that it is over, we aren't convinced the MP is really through with us. We sooth ourselves that they only went back to the marriage because they felt a sense of duty, or because of the mortgage, or because of the children, etc. Deep down, we don't really believe they could say they love us one day, and then stop loving us the next day. It simply doesn't compute in our brains. So, our hearts continue to hold on. In my experience, the only way to heal is to completely accept that they no longer want us. It is much easier to stop loving someone who no longer loves us, than it is to stop loving someone whom we think still loves us. I hope that makes sense.
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Well done on the great grades, IWALH! I'm glad your MM hasn't prevented you from doing well in your studies. I feel for you. I still have days like that too. I have been a lot more positive this week - mainly due to changing circumstances in my life, and the fact that I saw MM and we spoke for the first time in 7 months - and I have now come to the conclusion BY MYSELF (without the closure I always wanted) that this man was NEVER going to be mine and there was nothing I could have done to have changed that. He is never going to leave his W. I have the dreams too - I had one after I saw him, but not a good one which helps - so I know that makes things hard. Hang in there for yourself and your daughter. She deserves a better father than him and one day you will meet someone who will love you both. I have.
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