lbabe Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I have been dating a guy for 10 months. We have had many problems. We argue all the time. He is going through major changes in his life which contribute to this, and hopefully things will get better but I am so unhappy at the moment I just want to end it. The problem is I dont really know how I feel about him anymore because all we do is argue. He says loves me and wants to keep working at this. He's promised to change, and I know he will, because he has changed so much already. I have asked him to give me some space so that i can feel a bit happier in myself, but he is reluctant to give me any space, cos he's afraid I'll meet someone else. I have turned into a wicked witch and I have been so mean to him, I feel so bad about this, and I dont want to be this person anymore. What should I do?
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 You gotta look deep in yourself and see if you still have feelings / care for him. If you don't then the more polite thing to do would be to end it for both your sakes. Otherwise, give him a bit, see if he changes. You need to focus on what's best for you. Last thing you should be in is a self destructive relationship.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I think even though he has changed a lot for you so far , a lot of things you just cant change about someone .. You cant change someones traits, personality, characteristics. If you are totally being the wicked witch then it seems like pretty soon you will have to start changing yourself as well. Its always hard to end a relationship especially if you have been in one for a while and grown together. But I think you guys need to take a break from each other and see how it goes. Because trust me is things arent compromised the arguing will continue , and you will get meaner and meaner . And you will feel the need to be mean so he breaks it off with you
Author lbabe Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I still care about him, but is it enough to build a future on? He says I will be happy if I just choose to be, but I am convinced that he is the one making me unhappy. I have a deep routed feeling that he is just not good enough for me...
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Then it sounds like you're decision is already made, and you need to share that with him so you don't string him along for an unpleasant ride...
EYECANDY000 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I agree with legend we cant make that decision for you, only you know whats best for you
Author lbabe Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 thanks so much. Its just so hard to break up with someone...especially just before xmas...and his father also has just been diagnosed with cancer....so i feel like the right witch
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I think that if you are feeling the need to take space- that you should do just that. You can't let him dictate whether or not you should take space. If you are unhappy- it's the best route. Time apart will give you answers. You'll either come to the conclusion it's worth pursuing or not. It's no fun to feel anger and be fighting all the time. Space doen't mean you have to end things. I think that is the best choice you could make for yourself right now. Ultimately- it is up to you to make your own happiness.
Author lbabe Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I'm also worried that he will go back to the drugs.....he gave them up for me....I know thats not my problem but because i still care about him, i would hate for our breakup to cause him to go back to drugs
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 It's not healthy for him to be living his life for you. He's gotta let go. He needs to be able to be his own person. His decisions/mistakes are his own, not yours. It's not your fault. The timing does suck, being xmas/ new years where no one wants to be alone. You've stated you're a 'witch' to him, does he have confidence issues? I don't see why he hasn't attempted to end it with you for treating him that way. In any case, you need to do what's best for you.
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 But hun, you can't stay with someone because you are worried they will digress in your absence. The drugs are not your problem- your happiness is the only thing you should be concerned with. if you are unhappy, you aren't being true to yourself, but you aren't being any good to him either. The timing is always going to suck... but it sounds like you're at your limit here. You don't want to stay with him out of pity. I think it's important to address what is going on with you for a change. If you think it's him that is making you unhappy, you'll only figure that out by taking a step backward. This could also be a way of prompting him to make some changes in his own life.
Author lbabe Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 yes he is very insecure...i think it has something to do with the fact that I am older than him. I'm quite independant and like my space...but he just wants to be with me all the time. I cant seem to get this through to him however. and thats why i've got frustrated and resorted to being nasty to him to push him away. I dont know how to communicate it in a way he understands...and i'm surprised too that he hasnt tried to end it...why would anyone put up with a witch?
Legend Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Sounds like he doesn't have much relationship/dating experience. Are you his first? Or one of his first girlfriends? He needs to grow up. That's would explain he won't end it. I think you ending it would be beneficial to his growth as a person. He needs to learn to detach. Try to explain directly what's going on, just like you've done here. Tell him he's smothering you. Explain that he needs to not make you his whole world, suggest he go out find friends spend time with them, a hobby, etc....
D-Lish Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Sometimes when people don't feel good about themselves... they date/attract like partners. It sounds like you are seeking a way out of your unhappiness- and when you do find your way out of it (and I think you will) you will begin to attract more worthy partners that will compliment and enhance your happiness. When I am feeling a little unworthy- I date accordingly. When I feel good about myself I seek and attract worthy partners. I have been on a down swing lately- and have been dating men that bring me down further. I am in the process of taking the initiative to alter how I feel about myself. I know that once I get my ducks back in a row that I will be ready to invite a healthy relationship into my life. I am sure the same will happen for you. Just focus on you- and what you can do to make yourself feel better.
Author lbabe Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 thank you everyone....everything you have said is exactly how i'm feeling....so i know what i need to do now. unfortunately i will be hurting someone in the process, and hopefully there will not be dire consequences. at the same time however i cant stand to be alone, i havent been alone in 16 years... but i'm sure i will grow from it. thanks again
Author lbabe Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Its me back again.....i broke it off with him...but he keeps coming around banging on my doors and windows and trying to break it...2 nights in a row now...I am getting a little freaked out...i know he's been smoking dope again....should I call the cops?
Keara Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I'd call the cops. What happens if he gets in?? He's not acting rationally. Keep yourself safe. Don't let him in and don't talk to him. Just call the cops and let them take care of it.
D-Lish Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Call the cops. The behavior he is manifesting is clearly irrational...and if he's using...I'd be worried about what he could do. This kind of solidifies why you broke up with him I guess.
Author lbabe Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 yeah i think i'll call the cops if he comes around again. last night i had asked him to come around and pick up his stuff which i'd left outside the front door and he didnt turn up. I rang him around 10.30pm and he said he'd fallen asleep. I told him again that his stuff was outside and it might get stolen if he doesnt get it. he started yelling at me so i hung up. He turned up 2 hours later and started bashing on my bedroom window demanding that i give him the rest of his stuff. i just kept quiet cos i didnt want to get into a screaming match, my kids were asleep in their beds. He tried to get in the back door....and then he came around front and rang the door bell.....i took the batteries out of it so he couldnt ring it again.........then he starts banging on the front door.....He eventually left cos he didnt get any answers....Any way.....get this.....he told me to grow up!!!! Am i missing something?
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 lbabe, Thats freaking crazy. he should know better than to be doing what he is doing, especially since you have kids. If he comes over again just ignore him and call the cops.
jcster Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I've been in your shoes. First off, it's rarely so simple that someone "gives up" drugs in order to stay in a relationship. If they are far enough along in their addiction, the drug will always win. Usually drug addicts try and keep a lot of control over their relationships, because it allows them to call the shots and therefore keep the spotlight off of their drug use. Did your boyfriend live with you? If so, I would say that you shouldn't call the cops unless it's absolutely necessary, otherwise, you might find that you have no legal right to kick him out. If he didn't actually live with you, then by all means CALL THEM whenever he starts messing around outside your appartment. Addicts hate cops - it should scare him away pretty quickly. Do NOT let him in the house. Do NOT open the door. Do NOT call him. This will keep it dragging on forever. As long as you will speak to him, he will think he has a chance and he will not give up. You did the right thing.
Author lbabe Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 oh man. I am such a soft touch. he rang me on sunday and was crying so hard. His father has cancer and 6 months to live. I know that he is going through his grieving now and i feel so bad dumping him as well. I was stupid and ran over to his house and comforted him. he was such a mess i couldnt leave him. he was almost suicidal. He kept saying his mum and sisters are looking to him to be the strong one and support the family during this time. He's never had to be the responsible one before and he's not coping. He even went into the garage and nearly drank some meths....what should i do? he's been at my place for the last couple of nights cos i didnt want him out of my sight........we spent new years eve together and he was so depressed. I cant stand it cos he is so down and self focused, he keeps saying such insensitive things to me that i cant handle it any more...what should i do?
Author lbabe Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 I just met this guy a month ago. I have seen him 4 times now. I really like him. I have had to do all the contacting tho. The last time i saw him...i slept with him. I was really nice and i really thought he liked me. The next day i asked him whether he wanted to see me again and he said he didnt know how he felt. He's been on medication for depression and doesnt know how he feels about anything. That kind of hurt. He said that he should start feeling better in another month. Is it wise to see him again in a month...while he is still on medication? Do people ever get better after being on prozac? Should i just forget about him and move on...
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