Girlfriend not physically attracted anymore - any ideas?

[st99]

Red flag

 

Huge red flag. Any time a woman tells you something to the effect of wanting to be "friends no matter what," you are toast.

 

Say bub-bye and find a girl who is interested in you.

 

Yup, I feel that it is over and since it has come to where it is - that it will be over sooner or later anyways so it might just be best to ignore all this maybe, maybe not, not sure stuff and all that and just end it and be cool. That way I can visit her with my head clear and take care of what I really need to take care of during the time I am there. After that when I arrive in fall then I can find someone else of course.

 

OK lastly I am slightly worried that say we end it then when I go stay with her - we are still going to hang out obviously, go drinking, etc. and well you never know what may happen when were drunk together and if we sleep together again it might cause some confusion, I don't want to deal with that and trust me if you saw her and you were not with anyone else and she wanted to sleep with you - I guarantee you wouldn't be able to say no to her! But then again, if we end it and just have sex a few times when drunk, etc. we can just treat it as a booty-call and try to not let it draw up any feelings - after all if we end it I will be set on ending it too so it might not be that hard even if there is some fooling around involved as I know that is not what she really wants so I can keep my conscience clear. It might be hard deciding what to do if she decides she doesn't want to end it - after all I still have feelings for her but as I mentioned with the relationship being where it is and this already happening we will eventually probably break up sooner or later anyways so... that's something else to consider but that might be jumping to conclusions and as I mentioned - I feel she is wanting to end it anyways.

 

Thanks all for your inputs - it's appreciated, heading to bed now. Cheers and good night!

[JCD]

Then don't go out with her and don't get drunk with her. You sound like she has some kind of power over you and she doesn't. Forget about her, she's wishy washy. Don't try to manipulate her into loving you again because that's going to drive you nuts and you'll become more depressed. Just let her go and you take care of yourself first.

[Green]

yeah you definetly sound like she has some sort of power over you... get your head straight and dont place to much importance on her feelings... if she still likes you great... if she doesnt ... well move on and have fun doing it.

[st99]

No - definetely will not be trying to manipulate her into wanting me. As for going out and getting drunk - I thought about it and well why not? If we move on we move on, I'm not just gonna sit at her place and do all boring stuff so we can still have some fun, meet her friends, etc. No harm there and if something happens (by something I mean sex) well then I'll just treat it as just that - sex, nothing more as if it ends it ends and I can differentiate between feelings and just sex. If she decides while I am there she still does have feelings for me then we'll have to make a decision on that but I'll worry about that IF it gets there, right now - that's thinking too far ahead and could cloud my judgement.

 

I'm already feeling better about all this and moving on so I'll handle it just fine. If we move on and get past this "feelings" stage then we can be casual while I am there and just look to have a good time. Might talk to her later tonight if she has the time about all this or at worst I will mention to her that I will want to talk to her and settle it all when she gets back next week and that she can think until then, I definetely want this all to be settled by the time I will be staying with her otherwise as noted - it won't be fun. But with a clear head - it's all good. And no - she doesn't have power over me, I understand that. As KMT says - if she still likes me great, otherwise I'll move on and not worry about, in fact, I'm already not really worrying about it so it might be easier than I first thought it would be if we decide to part. Thanks for your inputs guys and the encouragement does help!

 

Cheers

[Green]

yeah your already past the hard part, the shock of her saying all this crap to you, so if your still feeling good then your already set

[st99]

Bare with me...

 

So here is the low down, I talked to her today (over the phone) and long story short, I got to talking and I talked and mentioned to her that I think we should decide before I go to Canada about all this so it's easier, etc.

 

Then I got into the reasons about the way she was feeling and why she was feeling this way, while she was there about 4-5 months ago or so she got into some sort of depression because she was working (on her year long internship) at a small middle of nowhere town and did not really like it and she got bored and missed me, her family, etc. she said that during this time she started not feeling it for me due to the distance and depression, after more talking I asked her if she did anything with someone else during this time as I said if it was just due to depression and distance you would be back to normal once you see me and she said that while she was depressed (and she really was depressed, she went to see a doctor and I did talk to her regularly during this time with her usually crying, etc.) that she did see someone for a while and was attracted to him and that they did have sex a few times. Needless to say I am bummed and I told her then that it is over as I cannot be with her again after this and she really doesn't want to be either I think anyways as she isn't sure how she feels about the other guy and if she wants to be with him or not but she does seem to have slight feelings for him but in the end she has moved on and I don't want to touch her now obviously.

 

She says she didn't tell me during this time because she didn't want to hurt me and that she still does love me - just not sexually and physically. She kept begging me to not hate her and that she was going through a very hard time (and this is true - she was in depression) but that still doesn't make what she did right. If she wanted to be with him, she could have ended it with me instead of all this I'm not sure how I feel, etc. crap, she said she simply didn't have the courage to tell me (especially when we hadn't seen each other for so long) and that it was very hard for her too and that she was scared that I wouldn't talk to her again and that she really doesn't want to lose me as a friend as she still does love me (just not sexually). Well, now I have dignity and obviously I am not going to be all lovely dovey to her and if she decides she wants me back I seriously doubt I could ever be with her again as I don't think I can trust her (even if she was really medically depressed). Thing is right now I am pissed and she is really begging me to not ignore her and act like she doesn't exist and I kind of want to right now (naturally) and that she did not do this out of disrespect or out of spite and that she was really depressed and when she had feelings for someone else she just couldn't tell me because she didn't have the courage and thought she would lose me not just as a bf but as a friend too.

 

Well, she did lose me as a bf - but I don't know if I should now hate her - in fact - I am not even that depressed right now (kind of wish I didn't pass up a couple oppurtunities I had this summer but that's a different story). I don't think I can hate her - I just don't feel it - I don't really respect her anymore even if she was in depression it's not right and I still have to go to Canada but I'm thinking I'll just go, stay with her (the guy lives in another city and she wouldn't dare be with him around me as she knows how I feel about all this and she said she wanted to stay away from him for 3-4 months anyways and gather her thoughts and decide what to do anyways) and I can take care of my business and try to come back early and not stay for the 2 whole months. I don't think I will lose touch with her but I don't think I can ever be as close to her again because not only was she the girl I loved but she was/is my best friend too. It's a tough situation - what's the right call? Just move on, leave this in the past and still be friends (though definetely not best friends, not friends like before - I cannot be that to her anymore) or just ignore her and move on and take her out of my life? I don't think it needs to go that far, I feel a little pissed now but I think I can handle this fine after I sleep on it...

[Green]

you shouldnt hate her. You should lose touch with her. and if you think its fun let her think you hate her and tell her never to contact you, ever. Look man if you dont feel bad its because you already saw this comming, maybe not this exactly, but you saw the end. Keeping in touch with her is pointless just move on and start flirting and dating other women dont call her or write her, and dont answer calls or read emails and what ever that come from her.

[st99]

you shouldnt hate her. You should lose touch with her. and if you think its fun let her think you hate her and tell her never to contact you, ever. Look man if you dont feel bad its because you already saw this comming, maybe not this exactly, but you saw the end. Keeping in touch with her is pointless just move on and start flirting and dating other women dont call her or write her, and dont answer calls or read emails and what ever that come from her.

 

Nah - don't think I can hate her - I hate what she did and it is something I can never forget but I can't hate on her. But then losing contact completely is a really tough decision, you gotta understand that she wasn't just my gf, she was/is my best friend too. Now I understand our friendship can never be as good as it was before, that's a given but to lose contact is I think maybe too much (that would basically mean I can't stand to see or talk to her) and I don't think that will be true - sure I'm pissed now but that's different. Especially since I feel I can get over this and I'm a big boy, I think losing contact completely is really being weaker than actually keeping the contact and still staying friends (though a more limited friendship of course) and showing her that even though I hate what she did and I will never feel like I did for her I am still a man and can handle myself and my emotions fine, don't you think?

 

Besides like I said, I still need to go to Canada and it would just make my life much easier to stay at her place, especially since I think I feel this way and she does have an extra bedroom after all. I guess this is a personal decision, but to lose contact will I not only lose my gf but also a very very good friend and I think I can at least preserve some of the friendship that we will have left. I have to make a decision on this but I think that is the right thing to do but please don't hold back and let me know if you think it is stupid, etc. after this though I already feel differently for her so I can never feel the same about her again so I don't worry about falling for her again or anything like that, won't happen, if anything stupid happens like a drunken booty call even that I doubt I will ever do and if I do get so wasted that I do that, it will mean nothing, I already lost all feelings for her. As far as other girls - you betcha, I'm on now

[Green]

I think ur talking a little crazy. You cant stay at her place now are you out of your mind. And your not going to be able to move on with your life as long as you stay in contact with her. This is one of those situations where you really cant seperate the person from the actions. Look man, I dont know if staying at her place is still even an option available to you, but do not stay at her place, and stop talking to her cease all contact its the only way to move on. She doesnt respect you and shes not looking for confrontations so dont expect to hear how she really feels.

[st99]

I think ur talking a little crazy. You cant stay at her place now are you out of your mind. And your not going to be able to move on with your life as long as you stay in contact with her. This is one of those situations where you really cant seperate the person from the actions. Look man, I dont know if staying at her place is still even an option available to you, but do not stay at her place, and stop talking to her cease all contact its the only way to move on. She doesnt respect you and shes not looking for confrontations so dont expect to hear how she really feels.

 

Hmm, I don't know maybe you're right, I think I just need to sleep this over and think about it - I don't think I can ignore her forever and act like she doesn't exist but staying with her may not be the best idea either even if I will have no feelings for her just the fact that I am there may make it seem like I am letting her off too easily. Thing is it was over anyways, so it really didn't surprise me as much and I am not as pissed as I thought I would be as I guess I kind of had it in the back of my mind that she wouldn't just not feel the same about me for no reason. Problem is i've got the flight arrangements made (non refundable tickets I think) and I would have to shorten my plans significantly as it will be too expensive to stay at a hotel and rent a car, etc. so all these things added up may cost thousands of dollars (I am only 23 - if I was loaded, wouldn't be such a problem) so I'll have to think this over.

[Green]

I dont know man, wont you save money by just not taking the trip... I mean theres no point now. I realize your ticket is not refundable which is another reason you should forget this girl letting you plan this trip... actualy I would even consider asking her to help either totaly refund the ticket or atleast give you some money. Look man dont take my word for it, ask your parents, ask your spiritual leader, priest or what ever... you dont go and stay with a girl who cheated on you, and NC is the best first step to getting over some one. Dont try to rationalize it just dont do it man

[st99]

I dont know man, wont you save money by just not taking the trip... I mean theres no point now. I realize your ticket is not refundable which is another reason you should forget this girl letting you plan this trip... actualy I would even consider asking her to help either totaly refund the ticket or atleast give you some money. Look man dont take my word for it, ask your parents, ask your spiritual leader, priest or what ever... you dont go and stay with a girl who cheated on you, and NC is the best first step to getting over some one. Dont try to rationalize it just dont do it man

 

I hear you dude, but the thing is I have to go as I have an interview on the 18th of Jan and I have to find a place to stay for when I do really arrive late summer, if I was just goint to visit her then yeah obviously I would cancel but thats where the problem lies that and the fact that the ticket cost $1500 so thats a lot of money to throw away ya know - so I don't think I can turn back on not going as my trip is more about the things I need to do than visiting her really. But I do agree on your main point, however thing is I think I am going to get over it easy - I mean she was hinting at it for some time and like I said yesterday - I'm already getting past it so I don't think it's going to be hard for me either - otherwise trust me, when I'm pissed I get pissed and there is no turning back - but right now - I don't feel anything for her, I'm over her already. I wasn't yesterday but right now with this - I feel I am and seing her in front of me won't do a thing for me, if I felt like I couldn't get over it I don't think I would be thinking along these lines (because I CAN be the jealous type too) but I'm alreay thinking something along the lines of "f*ck it, f*ck her, what's done is done, not even worth losing sleep over - just go take care of your business and future" and then I can concentrate on starting a new relationship which I am in no hurry to do anyways - 4 years is a long relationship! Might want to just take it easy for a while if ya get my drift

 

Anyways heading to bed, tired! Thanks for your thoughts though dude, it helps to get perspectives from those who are totally objective on this!

[Green]

oh yeah and this whole moving to canada thing was it just because of her... is it really still the best thing??