st99 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 OK so I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 years now, we met in College in the US. However, due to things like grad school, jobs, etc. the last 1.5 or so we have been living in distance (ie. I was in the US, she was in Canada) - we only saw each other for a couple days every few months and due to some circumstances I hadn't seen her since last February. However, I am probably going to be moving to Canada soon and we will be a lot closer. Since summer or so she has been hinting that she is just not feeling sexually/physically attracted to me anymore - but that she loves me and always will in every other way - she really sees me like her soul-mate and I feel very similar about her. However, I am still attracted to her (hard not to be, she is stunningly beautiful and I already feel very lucky to have been with her for so long). She says it isn't due to someone else, etc. but simply distance + that she feels like this right now. Do I let it go - lost cause or try to win her back? More Details - she says she is not sure how she will feel in the future so I am not all lost for hope, and even now she still flirts with me a little (though I feel she just wants to gradually tone it down instead of shutting me down in a snap - basically being nice I think) and we still kiss (though not the deep passionate kisses like before). She says that no matter what that she will always want me to be her closest friend and that no future gf/bf's should ever get in between our relationship even if we aren't physically dating, etc. I'm a little lost about what to do - I think it is best if I just don't push her and see how it goes but I know I will get jealous (especially at first) if I see her with someone else as I still have very strong feeling for her. So in short - even she can't say for sure how she will feel in a few months, etc. but right now she doesn't feel it much so I won't force it but any advice? Play it cool? Work my charm? ??? PS. I have not physically changed (you know a few pounds here or there, nothing major at all, I'm basically 6ft, and about 175 pounds so I am in good shape).
lovelorcet Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 You have not seen her since Feb 2007? Why?
Author st99 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Well February until December - I was away (out of the country) for 2 straight months from March to May anyways and after that it was more of the same and she couldn't leave to come half way accross the world from work and instead I was to visit her in Octover/November but we decided that since I wanted to go to the same grad school it would be best if I instead went there in January when she would be back at school which is in a different city to where she works. Anyways so now she is back home (we're both Turkish) visiting her family and we will go to Canada together in January and I will stay for about 2 to 2.5 months with her, then I will come back home and go back late summer (August probably) to start grad school again - so I won't be able to see her again for 4-5 months then except maybe for a short period if she can come back home for a week or two during May/June. She will be working like at an internship of sorts during summer and may have a week or two off between the intership and the end of the semester to visit home. I guess being distant again from March to late Summer (except maybe for that week or two if she can arrange it) may complicate things again but I feel that basically things will probably be evident during the 2 months I spend with her from January to March, at least I hope so, so I was wondering what I should do, pursue or lay cool, etc? Not really sure right now as I am a little lost about how to feel, what to do and so on
peace_pipe Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 She says that no matter what that she will always want me to be her closest friend and that no future gf/bf's should ever get in between our relationship even if we aren't physically dating, etc. Let me know how this part works out. Can you say N-A-I-V-E? You're really putting this girl on a pedastal. If you know what is good for you, you'll tell her being "friends" is unacceptable to you. Then, leave with your integrity in tact. The only choice you'll have to make afterwards is when she gives you the pathetic, whiney booty-call.
Author st99 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Let me know how this part works out. Can you say N-A-I-V-E? You're really putting this girl on a pedastal. If you know what is good for you, you'll tell her being "friends" is unacceptable to you. Then, leave with your integrity in tact. The only choice you'll have to make afterwards is when she gives you the pathetic, whiney booty-call. Ha! I don't know about that either as it seems it would be hard for me to accept seing someone else with her right now but if we do decide to not be romantically linked anymore well then I think I can get over it, I doubt we will be as close as before, I think that is inevitable actually, but I see no reason to be harsh and never talk, etc. frankly - I'd rather worry about that when/if it gets there - right now - even she isn't sure if she will be feeling the same or back to how it was before all this, but I have a feeling it won't be like before which is dissapointing as she is amazing and I'm still crazy for her but she isn't shutting me out fully either and is almost playing it both ways a little, sometimes I feel I just need to spend time with her and it will be all like before and sometimes not - that's why I am so confused about how to go about all this. This is what I need advice/opinions on. But yeah - in the end I want to be clear and get a clear answer - not all this yadda yadda and if she says she is sure no more then I will act accordingly - I'm not going to go beg her obviously! But we have been together for a long time (I consider 4 years long!) and so I don't want to pretend like she means nothing to me because she doensn't and she knows it and I know the opposite is true so I do want to talk and deal with it a little, but yeah if I feel like she is just playing me then I will act accordingly. And also a question to all the females - what is the reason you would stop being attracted physically after a few years? Would it have to be for a specific reason like being attracted to someone else (this was the first thing that crossed my mind, as for me as a guy, to stop being attracted to her physically there would have to be a reason like someone else, etc., but she says it isn't this, and I told her to tell me if it is as it will make it easier. I will mention this again and let her know that I'm a big boy and that I can handle it if there is something like this and that she shouldn't hold back as it will make it easier for the both of us but honestly I don't think she is holding anything back but I will try to make sure).
peace_pipe Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Ha! I don't know about that either as it seems it would be hard for me to accept seing someone else with her right now but if we do decide to not be romantically linked anymore well then I think I can get over it and she is a great gal, I doubt we will be as close as before, I think that is inevitable, but I see no reason to be harsh and never talk, etc. Okay, 3 or 4 years from now, be sure to tell me how your newlywed wife loves hearing about your undying affection for your first love. And also a question to all the females - what is the reason you would stop being attracted physically after a few years?. There's a million possible answers to that question. If you ask her directly you have about a 1% chance of getting a straight answer. I can say one thing for sure. Whatever it is, is has more to do with her selfish needs than you. But you asked a lady... I am not one I just happen to know them well
Author st99 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Okay, 3 or 4 years from now, be sure to tell me how your newlywed wife loves hearing about your undying affection for your first love. That's not what I am saying - if we split up, we split up. I'll move on and meet people, etc. so it won't be like it is now obviously, I won't feel the same then. Lots of people still see their ex's - I just mean as normal people, but yeah maybe you're right, maybe I will have a jealous wife who won't want me to see my ex-gf at all whatsoever, nothing is certain of course and what we both say is probably easier said than done, I agree. There's a million possible answers to that question. If you ask her directly you have about a 1% chance of getting a straight answer. I can say one thing for sure. Whatever it is, is has more to do with her selfish needs than you. But you asked a lady... I am not one I just happen to know them well Hmm, 1% ouch! Yeah, you're right - it will have more to do with her than me - that's what I'm trying to figure out but I know what you're gonna say - Good Luck!! Haha I think it's time to just be straight up then and not beat around the bush. I think I'm goint to keep it cool until I go to Canada with her in January and see how it plays out then, if it don't look good then I'll just man up and take it as it is and talk to her about it and settle it there and then - I am definetley not goint to be the pathetic begging for her to come back guy or anything, but to be fair that is easier said than as I don't think I have made it clear enough just how jaw droppingly gorgeous she is But yeah - if it is what it is - then I'll handle it with some dignity and I do agree with this - being needy is definetely not a turn on for women!
JCD Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 She decided long time ago she wasn't into you and now she's telling you that it's really over. You can't manipulate her into loving you again by being there for her because her mind is made up. Most likely she has another guy because women jump from guy to guy as they're all insecure. So when she tells you you're history it probably means she has someone else already. Answer me this, how come you still in love with her despite the difficulties of LDR? Because you are more loyal to her then she is to you so she has some kind of issues with keeping a relationship going or being loyal to a good guy. In effect, it was a good test for her and now you know she wasn't for you because otherwise she would have faced the challenges and be with you.
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 She decided long time ago she wasn't into you and now she's telling you that it's really over. You can't manipulate her into loving you again by being there for her because her mind is made up. Most likely she has another guy because women jump from guy to guy as they're all insecure. So when she tells you you're history it probably means she has someone else already. Answer me this, how come you still in love with her despite the difficulties of LDR? Because you are more loyal to her then she is to you so she has some kind of issues with keeping a relationship going or being loyal to a good guy. In effect, it was a good test for her and now you know she wasn't for you because otherwise she would have faced the challenges and be with you. Couldn't agree with JCD more. She has already made up her mind, and moved on. Strong likely hood that she's seeing someone else. Women don't like to hurt guys, so they'll suggest things like staying friends etc. Time to let go, and move on...
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 She decided long time ago she wasn't into you and now she's telling you that it's really over. You can't manipulate her into loving you again by being there for her because her mind is made up. Most likely she has another guy because women jump from guy to guy as they're all insecure. So when she tells you you're history it probably means she has someone else already. Answer me this, how come you still in love with her despite the difficulties of LDR? Because you are more loyal to her then she is to you so she has some kind of issues with keeping a relationship going or being loyal to a good guy. In effect, it was a good test for her and now you know she wasn't for you because otherwise she would have faced the challenges and be with you. What you say makes sense and yeah I should point out that I did not ever cheat on her during the time it was a LDR or before - not once. Either way I agree in that I do think it is over. Thing is what's coming up is a little complicated as I will be going with her to stay with her for 2 months in January as 1. I need to attend an interview process where she is and 2. I need to spend time there to research places to stay, etc. so I do need to go. But before we go I think I will talk to her next week (she is away until Sunday visiting her dad who lives abroad) and just let her know that we have to make a decision there and then if we want to be together or not and no beating around the bush. I do want to know why she feels the way she does - ie. did our relationship just get cold due to the distance and time apart OR is it because of someone else or something like that - at least she owes to tell me the thruth so I hope she does. Thing is if it even was someone else she will be distant to them now that she is moving back to grad school and she won't be able to hide it I think for the 2 months I will be staying with her so I am still not sure it is someone else but the important thing is - yeah it is already over, it does seem that way. Either way it should all be final soon, if it does end I hope it doesn't feel too weird staying with her, if it gets weird or something maybe I will try to get things done quicker and change my return flight to an earlier date, otherwise I'll just stay at her place and play it cool. About staying friends - I think she is being honest, I don't think she wants to lose contact and just stop talking. In fact she sounds like she still wants me to be an important part of her life when I go there so I don't know - I will let that all work itself out if needed. Needless to say I'm a little bummed but hey - people move on. It will be harder for me to control my feelings as I still am attracted to her but she does respect me so even if we aren't together I don't think she will do anything to make me jealous during the 2 months I am there even if she has someone else on her mind so it might not be that tough. After that I'll be over it anyways and by the time I start next fall maybe we can indeed work it out from there on to be like how it was before we started dating in college. I apprecaite the responses and please, if any of you have anything to add don't hold back! Cheers
EYECANDY000 Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Maybe she just misses you thats all. nad once you move to Canada and be a little more closer to her , her feelings will change. When you havent seen someone for such a long time, you pretty much say anything out of annoyance and frustration
Green Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 No one can really give you good advice, sounds like you somewhat know what your doing. So have you ever had sex with this girl? If I were you Id date other women and just play on what shes saying try to forget her make her chase you. its win, win. If she chases you well you've got her back, and if she doesnt chase you, well your dating other women and have forgotten her
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Maybe she just misses you thats all. nad once you move to Canada and be a little more closer to her , her feelings will change. When you havent seen someone for such a long time, you pretty much say anything out of annoyance and frustration Well I would certainly like it to be as I still have strong feelings towards her obviously, it could very well be that she just felt the way she did due to the distance and the time spent apart and that being together again she might change her feelings - that is not out of the question yet either but I do have a feeling it is more probably simply over. Either way I am going to talk to her and let her know that I don't like being at this stage and that we need to talk and that we can then just see how we feel toward each other once I am indeed spending time with her everyday for the 2 months. After that - it will work itself out, no need to lose sleep over it and it has been good reading peoples opinions here and getting advice and viewpoints from others. I'll post an update as we go along just to let it be known how it works out but in the meantime thanks everyone for your input and again - if there is anything you want to point out to me that I should think about, etc. it's cool - please post! Cheers
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 No one can really give you good advice, sounds like you somewhat know what your doing. So have you ever had sex with this girl? If I were you Id date other women and just play on what shes saying try to forget her make her chase you. its win, win. If she chases you well you've got her back, and if she doesnt chase you, well your dating other women and have forgotten her Yeah thanks, if it's over I will definetely look to date other women and yes of course I've had sex with her - though I don't see how that question is really relevant?
Green Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 what do you mean of course, u guys could have been waiting for mariage or something. Look dude its a real bad sign that shes saying this stuff to you, it doesnt mean its over but you should just act indiferent to it and tell her your going to date other women if shes going to be that way. Say it to her nicely and dont show any anger or sadness or any emotion to her.
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 what do you mean of course, u guys could have been waiting for mariage or something. Look dude its a real bad sign that shes saying this stuff to you, it doesnt mean its over but you should just act indiferent to it and tell her your going to date other women if shes going to be that way. Say it to her nicely and dont show any anger or sadness or any emotion to her. Yup - that's what I plan to do, I'm going to be all objective about it for sure! And yeah - sorry about the "of course" I understand what you mean and indeed some people may be waiting for marriage, etc. and I don't mean any disrespect. But what differene does it make that we have had sex anyways, I don't really see how that will affect anything?
Green Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 well you talked about the kiss's not being the same but she still kiss'd you but you didnt mention if you still had regular sex when you to were togather
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 well you talked about the kiss's not being the same but she still kiss'd you but you didnt mention if you still had regular sex when you to were togather I see - yeah we did have regular sex throughout our relationship when we were together. However, like I mentioned I only saw her for the first time since February only a few days ago and we only kissed though as mentioned not a deep passionate kiss. Anyways - I'm hitting the sack - it's very late here!
Green Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 then I have new advice for you. be a little more pasionate the next time you see her and try to have sex no matter what time or situation... its obviously been a long time
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 then I have new advice for you. be a little more pasionate the next time you see her and try to have sex no matter what time or situation... its obviously been a long time Ha - thanks but that's the problem you see - she is not physically attracted anymore (in other words she is saying: I don't want to have sex). Otherwise - we wouldn't be having these issues and these talks! Maybe we just need to be together and around each other often and this won't be a problem or maybe like others have mentioned she has moved on and is not feeling it, etc.
Legend Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 I agree with KMT, try to have sex, and if she rejects then the answer is pretty clear.
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 I agree with KMT, try to have sex, and if she rejects then the answer is pretty clear. See my post right above yours (I posted it as you must have been posting yours). Because of this I do feel that is basically over and that being together won't fix things but I can't fully know until she gives me a definete answer that it is 100% over or until we start spending time together after new year. If she simply says she wants some time until then to give me an answer that's cool since I am not chasing anyone I can see how it works out when we are there together for the 2 months so I can give her time until then as I don't really care about chasing women now but I will be objective and cool during that time towards her and not the sad "I need you" type and let her known that if she wants to move on then it's cool and so will I. Simple really but women can be complicated!
Legend Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 ya that must have been what happened... I think it's over then man.. Sorry . I hate chasing, so I know where you're coming from. Just today I told some chick I wasn't gonna chase her, and if she wanted to spend time with me she needs to stop dicking me around. Try to get a straight answer out of her. "I need time' Is like prolonging the inevitable.
Author st99 Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 ya that must have been what happened... I think it's over then man.. Sorry . I hate chasing, so I know where you're coming from. Just today I told some chick I wasn't gonna chase her, and if she wanted to spend time with me she needs to stop dicking me around. Try to get a straight answer out of her. "I need time' Is like prolonging the inevitable. Yeah sure is, like I said when I ask her next week about all this and us if she says she wants a little time like a week or 10 days or so until I will be staying at her place thats cool - we have been together for 4 years - I can give her that but once we're there I ain't going to be chasing her and begging her while I stay at her place, I'll just play it cool and objective and I will let her know that I am cool to move on as well if she want's to - after all I don't want to appear needy and the truth is I am not needy anyways. I do love her as she is great and has always been great to me over the years and she is very beautiful but I'm a big boy and I can handle myself too Frankly - I ain't got much faith in it now anyways - if it has to come this then it is going to end sooner or later I think.
gfto Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 More Details - she says she is not sure how she will feel in the future Red flag She says that no matter what that she will always want me to be her closest friend and that no future gf/bf's should ever get in between our relationship even if we aren't physically dating, etc. Huge red flag. Any time a woman tells you something to the effect of wanting to be "friends no matter what," you are toast. I'm a little lost about what to do Say bub-bye and find a girl who is interested in you.
Recommended Posts