thewholeshabangg Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 everytime i ask him something to do with his feelings/intentions for me, he gets defensive. he definitely shows it, but i want to hear it too. and now that im literally questioning him, im questioning his feelings. should i stop and let him just tell me? or should i take that as meaning something?
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Def stop asking. It puts too much pressure on him. Asking makes you appear insecure. Let him voice his feelings when he is ready...trust me on this one- you don't want to push for it. Once you stop pushing for answers and start relaxing and having fun with him- he will gradually learn to drop his guard. The less pressure involved- the more he will think "hey, this chick is cool", and the more apt he will be to open up. Pressure= bad.
Author thewholeshabangg Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 i understand what you are saying.. but is that why he gets offended and pissy?
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'd have to say...yes, yes, yes. It isn't that he doesn't like you- he just doesn't want to feel forced to say and explain it. Guys are different than we are. We like to talk about feelings.... guys? Not so much. As soon as you stop asking, you will feel the pressure lift and so will he. The more you push for validation- the more you will push him away. When it comes to securing a commitment, your best way to go about it is to behave like you like him, but AREN'T that interested in locking him down. Your power gets lost the moment you start asking wher you stand- because what you are doing is telling him that the terms of the relationship are all his to dictate. So, just pull back with the questions and concentrate on being fun and charming and enjoyable to be around. He will lower his guard. ;-)
Pirouette Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'd have to say...yes, yes, yes. It isn't that he doesn't like you- he just doesn't want to feel forced to say and explain it. Guys are different than we are. We like to talk about feelings.... guys? Not so much. As soon as you stop asking, you will feel the pressure lift and so will he. The more you push for validation- the more you will push him away. When it comes to securing a commitment, your best way to go about it is to behave like you like him, but AREN'T that interested in locking him down. Your power gets lost the moment you start asking wher you stand- because what you are doing is telling him that the terms of the relationship are all his to dictate. So, just pull back with the questions and concentrate on being fun and charming and enjoyable to be around. He will lower his guard. ;-) I politely disagree, in a general sense, with the above. Partly, it depends on how long the relationship has been going on, 1 month versus a year greatly changes things. If its been months and he hasn't even remotely articulated any of his feelings for you, then why can't you ask about it? I dislike playing into these power struggles and unequal relationship dynamics. So because he can't stand "pressure" one must live with insecurities and doubts instead of simply asking? I'm not saying pin him down and force him to tell you what you want to hear, but a calm discussion should not be impermissible. If his answer is "I'm not sure of my feelings" or "I'm not yet comfortable, discussing my feelings" then so be it. The relationship is never completely his to dictate. You have a choice of going or staying, of saying that after x amount of months that isn't enough for you, or saying that you understand and can accept that. I find the pressure excuse such a cop out, an excuse for some people to behave insensitively and for others to sit there and take it. Of course people can be afraid to commit and be afraid to lay themselves out in a vulnerable position of trust. I've been there just like most people, but that doesn't give you a free pass to disregard other people's feelings and behave in any asinine manner you choose. No matter what phase of the relationship, honesty and respect should always be demanded and given.
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Well, let's clear something up and let me ask you how long have you been seeing this guy for? I'm still sticking with the no pressure. She is telling us that when she brings it up HE GETS MAD. What is that saying? It is saying that he feels pressured. So by advocating she continue to ask... she will push him away. She is also saying that he shows her in other ways how he feels. Non verbal cues are pretty important and shouldn't be ignored. Having said that- it is very true that she has the option of leaving the relationship if she does not feel fulfilled. Sure, it would be great to know how the other person is feeling 100% of the time and have our partner validate us 24 hours a day.... but that isn't how the world works. The bottom line is that she wants to know exactly how he feels- and he is getting mad when she asks. Those are the details we have to work with so far. yes, it would be great to know how long you have been together! If it's been 10 years- I take back what I just said... lol.
Pirouette Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Yes he probably does feel pressure, which is his issue and you can't change it, and I'm asking is it a reasonable response for HIM to get ANGRY because she chose to ask? He has a choice not to answer just as she does to ask. You also control your responses, and I would be mighty taken aback if someone became very angry with me because I asked about their feelings. To me, by saying he feels pressured and that you caused it by asking and that's why he's angry, I think it's almost like saying you simply had no right to even question him at all and you deserved it for asking. When it was said above, "Sure, it would be great to know how the other person is feeling 100% of the time and have our partner validate us 24 hours a day.... but that isn't how the world works." That's taking it to the extreme of hyperbole and no that isn't how the world works. So is it then unrealistic to want to know how he feels at one point in time? And to want to feel good at least once knowing verbally that someone loves you, is that unreasonable? I think the world will keep spinning if that happens.
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know. But we can't force someone to tell us something if they aren't ready. I've done that too soon in a relationship before and pushed someone away. Now I prefer to wait and have things progress naturally- I'll open up when I'm ready- and allow my partner to do the same. I am just worried that if she keeps revisiting the subject when he is clearly not ready to have "the talk" that she could unknowingly sabotage things. I think that often, men feel actions speak louder than words- and if he is showing her in other ways how he feels... that might mean to him that he is validating her with his actions. I am interested to hear how long they have been dating. It would also be nice to have some male input.
Author thewholeshabangg Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 here i am! lol. i see what you are all saying.. but it has been a reasonable amount of time.. 7 months, actually. we are both in our early 20s. and after reading a few postings, i got to thinking about this quesiton. it is not like i ask him constantly. i have probably asked him about it maybe twice in our whole relationship. and i didn't word it as, "tell me you love me or im going to...." very calm, just out of curiosity.
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 What do his actions tell you about how he feels? That is important to know as well. And you guys have never exchanged "I Love you's"?
Author thewholeshabangg Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 he has said it.. a number of times, but only through text messaging. ...
JCD Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 If he's not ready then he should say that he is not ready to discuss his feelings yet and not get angry with her for asking. If he can't take the pressure then how will he face real world challenges? Get angry at them? Ignore them hoping they will go away?
Pirouette Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Actions are very important, but so is communication. I not only need to know that my partner will treat me well, but that I can go to him and talk about anything without fear of anger or resentment. These are my needs as an individual; it may very well be different for the next person, one who doesn't like to discuss things and is happy with a partner who behaves in the same way. The way things are now sets the stage for the future. People can change of course, but some sort of dialogue is likely necessary for that to happen. I want an equal relationship with my partner, and that doesn't include placing all control of the flow of the relationship and our communications in his hands for fear that I will scare him off if I let my emotions be known.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Does he show his feelings towards you and just not tell you how he feels on a day to day basis?
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Well, after 7 months I think it's important for you to assess what your needs are. If you are feeling you want more verbal validation and you don't get the impression he is capable of giving that to you- are you prepared to live with that for the duration of your relationship? If you've only asked him once or twice- that isn't bugging- but the way he is reacting is indicative of someone who is feeling pressure. That's not your issue...it's his. Okay, so he has said I love you, but only over texts. Is that good enough for you? How long are you prepared to stick it out if he isn't willing to say it in person? I think those are the questions you might want to ask yourself. I agree that the way he should be handling it is by calmly stating he isn't ready to verbalize his thoughts, but he should be showing you his intentions in other ways. I got the impression from your intitial post that you had tried on more than a few occasions to push him to open up- since you have said you have only asked him gently once or twice... I find his reaction a bit inappropriate. Is saying I love you in a text going to be okay for you for now? If so, for how long? Is he really affectionate with you? Do his small gestures show you how much he cares? I think it's all about assessing what your needs are here. You have every right to want to feel emotionally safe in a relationship you are invested in. If you're asking, and he isn't telling you outright, and that is what you need to feel safe.... Are you prepared to stay with him? You want more verbal communication- he's sticking to texts. He's shown you that you cannot force that change at the moment.... so the way I see it, you can accept that, keep pushing, or look elsewhere. Maybe he sees the I love you texts as a big deal in his world? I've never questioned the notion that people deserve to have answers, I am suggesting that everyone works on their own timelines... so it's up to us as individuals to accept our partner and how they are handling things, or not. It's evident you love him, so I don't think giving up is what you want to do. I also think he is telling you he loves you in the best way he feels he can right now. He has made it clear with his "anger" to your questions, that he isn't going to change... not just yet. Is that something you want to accept?
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