s01 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I have been with my partner for 8 years and ever since the beginning we have been totally attached and made for each other. She was my best friend and my lover and we were hardly ever apart. Recently we bought our very first place together (4months ago) which was something we had wanted for a while and had worked really hard to get. We were both very happy and glad to be living close to family and friends. Our relationship was very comfortable and we felt relaxed around one another we didn’t have much of a social life but just enjoyed quiet nights in to cuddle up on the couch. To cut a long story short... The weekend before last I was away on my company Christmas party for the weekend. On the Sat night she decided to invite a male friend of hers from work to come over and watch some films. He ended up staying until 2.00 in the morning?? Naturally I was jealous and thought it a bit weird that she had done this, she reassured me that everything was fine and that they were just good friends chatting. It turns out that she liked him more than just a friend and enjoyed his company. She wrote me a letter explaining that all she wanted was to have a bit more fun with her friends as our social life was pretty much none existent and that not to worry as she still loved me and wanted to be with me. On Friday completely out of the blue she decides that she has really strong feelings for this guy and that she doesn’t want to make things work with us and seems to have no remorse or sadness for what she’s doing. She didn’t cry once and just left me with no explanation other than 'im confused and im not sure what I feel' that night she packed a bag and left to stay with this other guy. I haven’t heard from her since and I cant believe what she’s done and how she’s reacted its like she’s a different person or has been brainwashed!! I miss her so much and the thought of her being with someone else kills me I don’t understand how she can just throw away eight years and everything we have together in under a week! I wish I had answers and don’t know how to move forward from here!
ElvenPriestess Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 In a relationship that wasn't this long and involved it would be one thing. But wow, I'm so so sorry. I mean at the very least she could have been more tactful about it. Staying the night at this guy's house? Shi**y. That's what that is. And she should have respected you enough the first time to ask you before hand if she could spend time with this guy. Consult you on it. If her wanting a bigger social life was really an issue, she could have simply come to you and said "How about we hang out with our friends more? Invite them over. TOGETHER." She sounds manipulative. And everything she's done shows a lack of respect for the relationship you guys have/had, and so extremely rude. After that much time I know it seems next to impossible to move on, but obviously that's what she decided she wants to do. And she has a crappy way of going about it. I know you must realize you did nothing wrong. She was obviously harboring hidden feelings that she should have communicated instead of reacting to those feelings in a disgraceful manner. *hugs* It WILL be ok. Either way.
82knightrider Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 What a kaniver (sp) She is cold hearted.If I were you I would Just move on and dont look back.It will be very hard but you need to have the mentallity that she is gone forever.Same thing happened to me and the pain hurts.I am still hurting but there is so much more to life than wasting it on a sellfish person like that.Always remind yourself that your better than that.She lost out ,not you!
Ronni_W Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I have been with my partner for 8 years... Recently we bought our very first place together (4 months ago)... The weekend before last... On Friday completely out of the blue she decides... Jumpins! Sorry that you are having to deal with the consequences of this totally inconsiderate, immature, narcissistic, illogical, misguided behaviour. One likes to see a sliver of hope...but that really needs a tiny bit of "rhyme or reason", doesn't it? For her, this crisis has obviously been brewing for longer than under a week. But that does not excuse how she's treated you, and handled whatever it is that's her "issue" with your relationship. In your shoes, my first step "forward" (though it may not feel like that) would be to get in touch with her. You deserve -and need- to know if you ought to be shopping for a real estate agent, lawyer, etc....or if you ought to be researching "how to survive infidelity", instead. I suspect she will come to her senses sooner than later, and bitterly regret her actions. There is a case to be made that some individuals find new home ownership simply overwhelming. Perhaps there was some other factor contributing - another personal transition/crisis - and she just chose what looked like a really "easy escape". But to act on her bad judgment and make these poor decisions with such total disregard for you...I really am not sure what message you could take from it. All I can do is send hugs, good wishes and Angels.
jp101 Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 While your relationship is about double the time mine was, our situation is EXACTLY 100% the same. It sounded like you copied and pasted my story TBH. My GF of 4yrs, everything was perfect. Then all of a sudden she wanted to hang out more. She wanted to have more time with friends. She wanted to go out, do this do that. That was the first red flag. I asked to go every once in a while and it was always a no. Long story short, i find out shes been hanging out with this one guy, and she played me up to the very end. We were moving out together this month, but that didnt happen. We've been broken up for 3months now, i've been keeping LC as much as possible, its been about 2 weeks since a solid convo between us has occured. The way my gf left me is the way yours left you. No remorse, no feelings, no sadness, just a im sorry. Sorry to say it, at first it hurt eternally. Now when i think about it, i think what a cold hearted b* that i wasted 4yrs on and shes just gonna up and leave me. And she has the balls to text me every once in a while saying she still loves me and she still wants to marry me? Um i dont think so. Your situation must be extremely harder since you guys were obviously more along the road than i was. All i can advise you is to leave things alone. Let her make a stupid mistake, let her regret her decision, because SHE WILL regret it. A spark at first is very powerful, so yea she may be extrememly interested in someone new. But sparks die, feelings and urges rush back (if she truly does want to be with you) And sooner or later, she will regret her decision. By then you have to be in a SOLID state of mind so when she does come back (if she does come back) that you dont turn into a sobbing tearsack. You have to be firm and strong, be able to look her in the eye and hide your feelings from hers, but know in your heart what you want. 8yrs is definitely a long run. I hope she does realize her mistake sooner than later. But dont go to her. Think of this as a game. Everytime you move forward, shes going to step back. If you step back and she is still attached, shes going to move forward. Play the game until you are both face to face. I dont mean to be overly optimistic, its just in my experience when i went to my GF, she moved away. I've left her alone solidly for about 3 weeks and since then she has sent me texts saying she wants me back in her life, shes making a huge mistake, etc etc. It hurts, and it feels good, but im in a state of mind that if she really wants that, then she needs to stop being stupid and prove it to me before time runs out. My heart is a door and the longer shes outside looking around the more its creeping closed. I hoped my words help in the slightest bit. Remember, keep YOUR distance for now. Just for now. Until your stronger both mentally and physically. Work out if you dont, make yourself look better. Buy some new clothes. Make her regret it without you having to open up your mouth once.
greeneyedred Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 My heart goes out to you...that is a terrible and painful thing to happen. I imagine not knowing what happened is hard...and you deserve better, we all do. To try and tell you to move on...just forget is silly. All I can say is try and take care of you...one day at a time...and do positive things for you so this does not take over every thought of every day..be around loving people you trust....and keep talking about...maybe you will see/hear something in your own words or others that helps you through this hard time. My heart is with you take care ger
sedgwick Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 good god. that's so horrible. i am so, so sorry for you. you had NO idea that anything was wrong? you were still intimate, didn't feel her pulling away? okay, now for the crazy writerspellermadness: kaniver = conniver sooner than later = sooner RATHER than later
Racquel Colette Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 You know, I don't think you're going to like this answer but if you loved her so much, why didn't you take her out and go on trips and plan romantic days and evenings once in a while with your girlfriend? No wonder she went looking somewhere else. You took her for granted and she found someone else who appreciated her. There is now nothing you can do, except for next time now you will be more aware instead of so complacent. If you love someone, SHOW it. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life sitting on the couch. Also, you were just living together....why didn't you propose and let the relationship go on in limbo? A woman needs to have assurance that the guy is 'in' it, and that means engagement and marriage. You took her for granted, thinking she would just be happy in boring uncommitted limbo forever and she went somewhere else.
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I agree that the best way for you to handle this situation is to become the silent one. Just agree with her decision and walk away without further comment. Silence will be your best revenge- that and living happy. Granted, at the moment, everything seems so horrible. My husband knocked up another woman 4 years ago- and I had to walk away.... I can't say i was left unscathed by that, even to this day. What I can tell you is that you do get over it- and you will eventually look back and know that the relationship wasn't all you are cracking it up to be now. You have to concentrate on doing things to help yourself feel better at the moment. It is about dealing with one day at a time- even though it sounds cliche'.
FooledOnce Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Terrible. You have my sympathy. My ex pulled an instant-leave on me too a couple of years ago. She did the same thing with no sympathy, no emotion. I pointed that out to her and she just thought for a second and said 'yeah, i guess i am, but i'm doing what i wanna do and that's that.' We ended up getting back together again and about 6 months later she called me in tears saying she was thinking about how she treated me on our break and she felt terrible. Still, I could never see her the same. 3 months ago, she pulled the insta-leave again and was equally heartless about it. So the lesson seems to be once she shows this behavior, realize she's not the person you thought she was (the person you thought you were with would never do this, right?). I'm more sad because I miss the person i thought i was dating for 5 years, and I'll never get to be with her again because I now realize she never existed
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