new wave Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Hi everyone, I am new here, this is my second post... (To read my story see post entitled "Can you fall back in love with someone if love has gone?"...., Well, firstly I was given some truly great advice and I so appreciate everyone's support. I still feel very down about life, and the pain is there on opening my eyes every morning. Getting out of bed feels like walking up a mountain and if it weren't for the children I'd happily stay under my duvet all day, every day but I know that is not the way forward...... My problem is how to cope with the amount of contact I am receiving from my H. I get a text everyday, usually in the morning asking how I am, how are the children, is there anything he can do to help etc etc... I am finding it increasing hard to cope with now. He can and removed the rest of his belonging out of the house on Saturday and it was extremely traumatic for us both. I told him when he left (and after he admitted that he was 'in love' with OW) that this was it, it was over between us and that there was no point in keeping in touch except for stuff about the kids, finances, legalities etc.. Thing is he just doesn't seem to except it. I've said this to him before, that I want to stop contact, but he just keeps texting. What do I do? I got one yesterday that I ignored, I've now received two this morning - last one saying "Babe, are you alright? Are we still talking? Shall I call you tonight? Can I help you with anything? Don't forget I'm here if you need me X" When he does call we speak for at least an hour, about very emotional stuff, how it's come to this, it shouldn't have happened, it's all very sad etc etc... He always sounds miserable and sad but I think it's just his guilt talking. Please someone tell me what I should do, he's so desperate for me to stay in touch with him. He clearly wants the best of both worlds, me there to remind him of his connection with his past and OW for all things exciting and new. I get confused by his contact and feel that it is holding me back as I know I read that he still cares.... it gives me false hope when he's never said he's coming back. Any advice would be greatly received. I have read so many people here wishing that there H or W would get in touch but I find it's a double edged sword - yes, I will confess that it makes my heart leap when he contacts me but then again am I just being 'there' for him whilst allowing him to build a future with his OW??? I must be the world's greatest mug xx
Confused9 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Newwave, I am sorry for everything that has happened. I am one of those people who wishes I would get that emotion, care, anything from my X...but it sounds like 'the grass isn't always greener' so to speak. I suggest telling him that he can no longer speak to you as it is too hard for you and sends you a message of false hope. If he say that's not fair or too hard for him tell him that he made his bed...now he needs to lie in it. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He needs to follow through with his decision to leave. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to get those messages from him. Sounds to me like he is confused. Tell him you need your space. You need time to process what has happened and you can't do that with him sending you mixed messages. What he has done is very hurtful. He shouldn't be so lucky as to have you in his life. Not sure if it was your post before or not but in one about NC with kids, etc. someone suggested a mediator to talk to each other throughout this process so you won't have to. That sounds like a good plan. I wish you strength during this time. I know how hard it is. Keep your head up!
Author new wave Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 He has just rung on the home phone but I didn't pick up. I'm just frightened that by stopping communication (except for obvious things we have to talk about) it will 'push' him further into the arms of OW. He may think oh well, if she is no longer there for me then I've made the right decision and I'll continue to forge ahead with future plans. If we break this link will things get awkward, tense and difficult between us? When I ignore his contact he doesn't like it one bit. I know I'm letting him rule me but it's because I still love him so much. It's so very very hard to let go..... x
Confused9 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Trust me...I understand but he already made his choice...he left. He chose her over your life when he cheated and when he left. You need to realize this. I know you love him...trust me. I love my x as well, but he chose this new life and OW over me and our 7 + years together. He text messaged me the other day and I didn't write him back. I couldn't. If he really wanted to be with me...he would be with me. Same thing with your H. I know that sounds harsh...it hurts me just writing it because I am in the same boat as you. They chose someone, something, a new life over us. You couldn't possibly push him any further away than he already is. Think about that. Again, it's not fair for him to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants this seperation...he needs to have this seperation. You NEED to stop talking to him. It's only going to make things worse. I know how hard and scary the thought of that is, but if you are going to get better, you need to do it. He is going to make a decision to either be with you or not. You can't let him think that what he is doing is okay. You can't be a doormat and say...I know you are sleeping in the arms of another woman and moving on...but I will be right here when you decide to come back. What if he never decides to come back? You will be even more devistated because you waited for him.
Geishawhelk Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 ....I told him when he left (and after he admitted that he was 'in love' with OW) that this was it, it was over between us and that there was no point in keeping in touch except for stuff about the kids, finances, legalities etc.. Ok... but then.... ....I'm just frightened that by stopping communication (except for obvious things we have to talk about) it will 'push' him further into the arms of OW. You see what you're doing here, don't you? Mixed messages? Self-contradiction? First of all, you have to decide what it is you really want, and I don't think you've managed to do this yet..... When I ignore his contact he doesn't like it one bit. I know I'm letting him rule me but it's because I still love him so much. It's so very very hard to let go..... x Decide whether this 'love' you have is healthy. Isn't it more a 'need to be loved'...? You ignore his contact, and he doesn't like it? Tough luck buddy. He chooses to go do what he wants to do, but still expects you to ask 'how high' when he says 'jump'? Re-evaluate how much YOU are worth to you, and how much you deserve to be treated the way you'd like to be treated. And distinguish between practical and emotional. Whatever he says that is emotion-based, ignore. Let it fly over your head and hit he wall *splat* behind you, without response. Whatever he says that is practical-based, respond in a matter-of-fact, sensible, practical way. It will be he hardest thing you have to do to begin with, but it will get easier, please trust me. Actually, it's possible that when he realises you mean business and nothing else, his tone will change. He'll see you're in control of yourself and the situation, and actually, may turn 'nasty' and not like it. But that's his problem, of his making. But it will give you a clue that you were right to do what you've done...
Tripper Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'm just frightened that by stopping communication (except for obvious things we have to talk about) it will 'push' him further into the arms of OW. He may think oh well, if she is no longer there for me then I've made the right decision and I'll continue to forge ahead with future plans. If we break this link will things get awkward, tense and difficult between us? When I ignore his contact he doesn't like it one bit. I know I'm letting him rule me but it's because I still love him so much. It's so very very hard to let go..... x Hi NW and sorry for your situation. I've read your other post as well. I need to ask, do you really want him back?? And if he comes back, do you have any idea how you would handle it?? I ask because you are still in a state of shock and trying to come to grips with this after a LTM. First, this issue is your H's doing. You unfortunately suffer the fall out. I'm willing to bet he has some regrets already and feels the guilt. That's why he continues to try and contact you. Will he want to reconcile?? Time will tell. However you need to look after yourself. It does take time to get over this kind of major life change. I know you don't want to go NC, but you may have to think about it so that you can start letting the wounds slowly heal. Next time he contacts you asking how you are why don't you tell him honestly. "How do you think I am?? You've turned my whole world upsided down and inside out!!". His chances of having a successful relationship with the OW longterm, are very slim. If you read other posts you'll see that the quoted figure is about 3% of affairs turn into successful second relationships over the long haul. Sooooo... in time he may split with her... What he does then is anybodies guess but if he shows up on your doorstep looking to reconcile you may want to think about my first couple of questions. In the meantime get some legal advice and make sure that your equity and rights with respect to your financial position are protected and that support for your children will be forthcoming. Can I also suggest some therapy?? I'm a big believer in it. I spent 2 years post marriage fall apart in it and it helped me deal with a lot of crap, particularly the anger. Also, please don't let him control your life any longer. Put yourself in a position to heal and look after your children... I hope this helps... good luck
LKPJ Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 My problem is how to cope with the amount of contact I am receiving from my H. I get a text everyday, usually in the morning asking how I am, how are the children, is there anything he can do to help etc etc... I am finding it increasing hard to cope with now. Despite my request for NC, I too still got the morning text message. It just shows their selfishness even more so. You need to keep moving forward and those text messages aren’t helping. For me, they become just an early morning reminder of what he’s done.
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I have a relative going through this very thing. He calls me every other day with a new story of the unwanted contact. There are emails, phone calls at home and at work. The separated W even calls me to find out if I know where he is. He hates it!!! He has told her on more than one occasion not to call him anymore, but then he feels bad as he still loves her and does want her back that he apologizes for it. And then it starts all over again with a vengence. And their MC even told her not to call him and give him some space. But she doesn't feel she needs to listen to the MC and stopped going. I don't know what to tell you. I will say that I don't think telling him not to call or text will push him further away. If anything, it will pull him in. Its called "going dark". Plan C or something on marriagebuilders. And it is scary. But if its what you need. Stop answering those calls. Ignore the texts. But also tell him firmly that he is only causing you more distress with his need to check in after leaving. He was a big enough man to leave. He needs to lie in the bed he made without the emotional prop of feeling he can always talk to you about his difficulties or the mess he's made. Point him in the direction of a good therapist. Consider going with him as your only contact for a while, too. I hope this helps. My relative is not having the best time either.
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