Yoyo

[Nomad1]

I recently posted under an earlier thread, by the end of which I said I was not going to post. At the time I decided to forge ahead with the divorce and the house sale. However, there have been interesting twists and turns since. Just to recap from my earlier post. I have been with my wife for 18 years. We have 3 teenage children. We have always got on very well. Same profession, fairly similar interests. About four months ago we had an argument. She said she wanted to end the relationship and took off her wedding ring. I was gobsmacked and did the usual things that one is not supposed to do eg. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to grow old with her etc. The more I asked her to re-consider the further away I pushed her. At the beginning, when we were still sharing the same bed, she would start crying for no reason and tell me that I didn’t deserve this, that I am a good man, that I am very nice, etc, etc. As I said before, she initiated sex a few times, then after a couple of days would say that sex complicates things. I believe that she is emotionally attached to a prisoner that she has been visiting weekly to offer him support. So nothing physical could have happened, but I think that she has very strong feelings for him, love? Lust? I am not sure. This guy is ten years younger, has a baby and a girlfriend and is due to be deported to his country of origin. She is in her own world, goes to bed earlier than usual and at times stays in bed until 12 noon during the weekend.

 

Anyway, last Sunday she went to church, then met with her sister and told her for the first time about the break-up and that we were about to divorce. When she came back that evening, she was crying and she told me that her sister told her not to do it. She then asked me to stop the divorce and the house sale. She said let’s go to bed and just cuddle. When we got into bed, she started kissing etc. and wanted sex. I just could not understand how she could go from one extreme to another. Anyway, after 4 days she started talking about making her mind for sure in the new year and that things would never be the same as before again etc. I said why wait to the new year, it is clear that you are not 100% about this, that we could just call it a day if there doubts about the relationship working. So again we agreed to go ahead with the divorce and house sale and just be friends.

 

She plays games with me. I was going to a party the day before yesterday and put some new clothes on. I have lost a lot of weight. She came to my room and was saying how very handsome I looked and that she thought that many women at the party will fancy me. She then kissed me on the lips and said ‘I hope that the woman you will meet at the party will make you happier’.

 

She asked me yesterday if I had contacted the solicitors about the divorce and the Estate Agents about the house sale. I said I was going to do that after Christmas. She said why wait until then. I then said ok I will do it tomorrow. However, last night I thought she wants the divorce, but wants me to divorce her! She wants the house sold, but wants me to initiate the sale! This morning I told her that she wants to sell our house and it would be fair if she deals with the Estate Agents. She wants the divorce and it would be fair if she starts it. I said I would sign any document that needs signing. She said I was trying to make things difficult and that she thought I wanted the divorce and to sell the house as well. Being a confused Catholic, I think that she does not want to feel guilty.

 

I don’t know what is going on, but any comments will be appreciated

[redblack66]

 

She plays games with me. I was going to a party the day before yesterday and put some new clothes on. I have lost a lot of weight. She came to my room and was saying how very handsome I looked and that she thought that many women at the party will fancy me. She then kissed me on the lips and said ‘I hope that the woman you will meet at the party will make you happier’.

 

My wife behaves in a similar way, except that she does not want any intimacy. They seem to be in "I don't want you, but nobody can have you."

 

She asked me yesterday if I had contacted the solicitors about the divorce and the Estate Agents about the house sale. I said I was going to do that after Christmas. She said why wait until then. I then said ok I will do it tomorrow. However, last night I thought she wants the divorce, but wants me to divorce her! She wants the house sold, but wants me to initiate the sale! This morning I told her that she wants to sell our house and it would be fair if she deals with the Estate Agents. She wants the divorce and it would be fair if she starts it. I said I would sign any document that needs signing. She said I was trying to make things difficult and that she thought I wanted the divorce and to sell the house as well. Being a confused Catholic, I think that she does not want to feel guilty.

 

I don’t know what is going on, but any comments will be appreciated

 

Perhaps she does not want to take the responsibility of ending the marriage and feeling guilty, as you have identified. Again from experience, my wife does not want to take the responsibility, but I will take it.

 

Just do not read too much into what is going on and do whatever is good for you.

[Nomad1]

I know that many of you will say that I should not have sent this email, but I felt I had to in response to what she said earlier this morning about me trying to make things difficult by not initiating the divorce and the house sale. Here goes:

 

Dear X

 

I want to say that I am not being difficult. I have gone through the hurt and the anger and I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do to change things. You know how hard I have tried. It is an indication of how much I cared about you. Regrettably my frustration with how things have been led me to say things I did not mean to say, which only served to exacerbate the situation. When I married you, I thought it was for life. That is why I don't feel comfortable to initiate the formal ending. For similar reasons, when we bought our house I thought that I would live here with you until the children leave home and we retire in 20 years time. That is why I am finding it difficult to initiate the sale. However I understand and respect your wishes to have a different life. I will of course help with the painting and decorating and will not make things difficult as far as signing documents etc. ??I will always care about you unconditionally and I want you to be happy.??Take care?Z

 

Yes I know, I said things I should not have said, but since we will continue to interact for many years to come because of our planned 50/50 co-parenting, I am trying to remain on friendly terms with her.

 

Nomad1

[redblack66]

I know that many of you will say that I should not have sent this email, but I felt I had to in response to what she said earlier this morning about me trying to make things difficult by not initiating the divorce and the house sale. Here goes:

 

Dear X

 

I want to say that I am not being difficult. I have gone through the hurt and the anger and I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do to change things. You know how hard I have tried. It is an indication of how much I cared about you. Regrettably my frustration with how things have been led me to say things I did not mean to say, which only served to exacerbate the situation. When I married you, I thought it was for life. That is why I don't feel comfortable to initiate the formal ending. For similar reasons, when we bought our house I thought that I would live here with you until the children leave home and we retire in 20 years time. That is why I am finding it difficult to initiate the sale. However I understand and respect your wishes to have a different life. I will of course help with the painting and decorating and will not make things difficult as far as signing documents etc. ??I will always care about you unconditionally and I want you to be happy.??Take care?Z

 

Yes I know, I said things I should not have said, but since we will continue to interact for many years to come because of our planned 50/50 co-parenting, I am trying to remain on friendly terms with her.

 

Nomad1

 

I see your letter as part of a growing up process, which we all seem to go through.

I would have sent a similar thing a month ago. Today, I would not say a word to my wife about our relation, and I have to deal with her for many years to come.

 

Don't do what does not work, and has not worked in the past; another lesson I learned.

[sillyme2007]

If you don;t mind me asking what did the letter say?

[Nomad1]

That is what the email said, not the letter.

 

'Dear X

 

I want to say that I am not being difficult. I have gone through the hurt and the anger and I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do to change things. You know how hard I have tried. It is an indication of how much I cared about you. Regrettably my frustration with how things have been led me to say things I did not mean to say, which only served to exacerbate the situation. When I married you, I thought it was for life. That is why I don't feel comfortable to initiate the formal ending. For similar reasons, when we bought our house I thought that I would live here with you until the children leave home and we retire in 20 years time. That is why I am finding it difficult to initiate the sale. However I understand and respect your wishes to have a different life. I will of course help with the painting and decorating and will not make things difficult as far as signing documents etc. ??I will always care about you unconditionally and I want you to be happy.??Take care?Z'

 

By the way, I feel much better now. I have contacted the solicitors again and I have a meeting in early Jannuary to start the divorce proceedings. I am not going to talk to her anymore about anything other than the practicalities of the house sale and divorce. I just wish I could speed up the process. I don't feel anything for her anymore. Oddly enough, I feel sorry for her because I know that one day she will wake up and will regret all the things she did, but it will be too late. I now limit my conversation with her to greetings and any brief chats about issues to do with the kids / meals etc. She always looks as though she had been crying. Remember she has not told her parents yet. She had asked me to go as a family to her parents over Christmas and to pretend that there was no problem. I said I did not wish to go and play happy families. She said that she would say to them that I had to go to my sister's. She said that she was not planning on telling them anything but if it came to it she would say that the divorce was a mutual decision. I said fine.

 

I am now looking forward to my new single life. I have a few women friends, they are all very sensible and intelligent people and all available but hitherto, I have stopped myself from showing interest in more than friendship with any of them. My priority is to focus on ME for a change. I also need to complete my PhD thesis which I was due to hand in in April, but I have lost momentum over the past 4 months. I MUST throw myself back into it.

 

Anyway, you have a great day all.

[Nomad1]

That is what the email said, not the letter.

 

'Dear X

 

I want to say that I am not being difficult. I have gone through the hurt and the anger and I have accepted that there is nothing that I can do to change things. You know how hard I have tried. It is an indication of how much I cared about you. Regrettably my frustration with how things have been led me to say things I did not mean to say, which only served to exacerbate the situation. When I married you, I thought it was for life. That is why I don't feel comfortable to initiate the formal ending. For similar reasons, when we bought our house I thought that I would live here with you until the children leave home and we retire in 20 years time. That is why I am finding it difficult to initiate the sale. However I understand and respect your wishes to have a different life. I will of course help with the painting and decorating and will not make things difficult as far as signing documents etc. ??I will always care about you unconditionally and I want you to be happy.??Take care?Z'

By the way, I feel much better now. I have contacted the solicitors again and I have a meeting in early Jannuary to start the divorce proceedings. I am not going to talk to her anymore about anything other than the practicalities of the house sale and divorce. I just wish I could speed up the process. I don't feel anything for her anymore. Oddly enough, I feel sorry for her because I know that one day she will wake up and will regret all the things she did, but it will be too late. I now limit my conversation with her to greetings and any brief chats about issues to do with the kids / meals etc. She always looks as though she had been crying. Remember she has not told her parents yet. She had asked me to go as a family to her parents over Christmas and to pretend that there was no problem. I said I did not wish to go and play happy families. She said that she would say to them that I had to go to my sister's. She said that she was not planning on telling them anything but if it came to it she would say that the divorce was a mutual decision. I said fine.

 

I am now looking forward to my new single life. I have a few women friends, they are all very sensible and intelligent people and all available but hitherto, I have stopped myself from showing interest in more than friendship with any of them. My priority is to focus on ME for a change. I also need to complete my PhD thesis which I was due to hand in in April, but I have lost momentum over the past 4 months. I MUST throw myself back into it.

 

Anyway, you have a great day all.

[LookinFWD]

Good for you man! I am about where you are right now with my wife and

situation.

 

Certainly a terrible time of year for all of this but my wife like yours initiated it. I have kids too.

 

I really identify with what you said about you respecting her wishes and

right to have another life and now you get to have yours too and you are

not wallowing at all, not hesitating all to me sounds healthy.

 

She wants it and since she does let her have what she wants and reboot.

Your next relationship will be much better for what you have learned.

 

Best of luck

[redblack66]

By the way, I feel much better now. I have contacted the solicitors again and I have a meeting in early Jannuary to start the divorce proceedings. I am not going to talk to her anymore about anything other than the practicalities of the house sale and divorce. I just wish I could speed up the process. I don't feel anything for her anymore. Oddly enough, I feel sorry for her because I know that one day she will wake up and will regret all the things she did, but it will be too late. I now limit my conversation with her to greetings and any brief chats about issues to do with the kids / meals etc.

 

Excellent, in particular that you can limit your conversations. I am glad for you.

 

I also need to complete my PhD thesis which I was due to hand in in April, but I have lost momentum over the past 4 months. I MUST throw myself back into it.

 

Anyway, you have a great day all.

FOCUS on your PhD as much as you can and get it out of the way. It is a great feeling after this is done.

[Nomad1]

Well, after the kids went to their rooms yesterday, we had a long chat and drank copious amounts of wine. We talked about dating other people and I told her that I had met a woman at a party and that she had been texting and emailing me. She was asking about what she looked like etc. She was talking to me about how she never planned to end our relationship and that when she said that she wanted to end it, it was as though it was not her who said it. She said that she was worried about the stigma of divorce, that ours was not a failed relationship and that we had a very good 18 years. She said that she couldn't understand why she felt the way she did about our relationship. She said maybe it is the new house we bought recently, or maybe it is her mid-life crisis. She said she would like to get married to somebody in the future. She also said that maybe she is not the marrying type as she likes to touch the lives of many people. She said that no matter what happens she wants us to stay very close and that if she has problems in her life in the future she wants to be able to rely on me to support her, that she would do the same. We then went to my room to look up properties for sale on the net. Shortly after that we hugged and started kissing etc. for a while. She said that the physical attraction was still there and that she wanted nothing more than to have sex with me. We both thought that it was not a good idea to have sex as it would confuse things. I don't know why I allowed this to happen!

 

I just thought of sharing this with you.

 

Take care all

[redblack66]

She was talking to me about how she never planned to end our relationship and that when she said that she wanted to end it, it was as though it was not her who said it.

 

Sounds so familiar. Could it be midlife crisis?

[Nomad1]

Thanks to all those who made suggestions and gave feedback to my posts. I went shopping today. I bought new and better fitting clothes. Imagine, my trouser size has dropped from 38 to 34 in 4 months! My soon to be X wife keeps throwing comments like 'turn around'. 'Amazing, you have me to thank for that!' bloody cheek! I keep telling her that I was not distraught just about her, but the whole idea of a family. Of course she chooses to think that it was all about her. She is deluding herself and is clearly having a distorted sens of grandeur. We had previously agreed on an amount that I am prepared to give her each month. Today she told me that she thinks that that amount is inadequate, that I am on a much higher salary than her and should pay a bit more. bla bla blah. Reality is obviously biting. I said that I would prefer to buy clothes etc. for the kids directly rather than give her money to do so. She said that she would prefer it if she could ring me and say thet she is buying a pair of shoes for the kids and if I want to pay half. It sounds like I won't be able to get rid of her for a while. I want to move on and don't want her to keep butting into my new life every so often. She will obviously use the kids to give me a hard time over the next 5 years when our youngest is 18. After that she won't be able to get to me.

 

Hey I have booked 4 days at a hotel outside London on an organised Christmas party for single people. The hotel has a spa, gym, etc and there are lots of group events and entertainment planned for the 4 days. I can't wait to let my hair down.

 

I'll keep you posted.

 

Take care all

 

Nomad1

[LookinFWD]

You and me are thinking totally alike! I am moving out of the suburbs back to the city and single life and I could not be happier. Enough of the Yo Yo ride.

 

Sometimes we have to stop being so loyal to women who are basically

in love with themselves and think they are center of the solar system

 

Way to stand up for yourself, there are better women out there for certain

[redblack66]

Thanks to all those who made suggestions and gave feedback to my posts. I went shopping today. I bought new and better fitting clothes. Imagine, my trouser size has dropped from 38 to 34 in 4 months!

Are we the same. I dropped from 36 to 32 in 4 months

 

My soon to be X wife keeps throwing comments like 'turn around'. 'Amazing, you have me to thank for that!' bloody cheek! I keep telling her that I was not distraught just about her, but the whole idea of a family. Of course she chooses to think that it was all about her. She is deluding herself and is clearly having a distorted sens of grandeur. We had previously agreed on an amount that I am prepared to give her each month. Today she told me that she thinks that that amount is inadequate, that I am on a much higher salary than her and should pay a bit more. bla bla blah. Reality is obviously biting. I said that I would prefer to buy clothes etc. for the kids directly rather than give her money to do so. She said that she would prefer it if she could ring me and say thet she is buying a pair of shoes for the kids and if I want to pay half. It sounds like I won't be able to get rid of her for a while. I want to move on and don't want her to keep butting into my new life every so often. She will obviously use the kids to give me a hard time over the next 5 years when our youngest is 18. After that she won't be able to get to me.

 

You may be getting the guilt approach for a while. Make sure you feel comfortable with yourself and tell her not to involve the kids.

 

Hey I have booked 4 days at a hotel outside London on an organised Christmas party for single people. The hotel has a spa, gym, etc and there are lots of group events and entertainment planned for the 4 days. I can't wait to let my hair down.

 

Try not to think about your problems, very difficult, and enjoy yourself.