i miss him so much

[sedgwick]

It's been five months today since the breakup. It's been almost four months since we spoke.

 

We rarely argued, but when we did, he had a way of just shutting down. He'd just stare. I'd try to talk to him, and he'd just stare at me like he was looking through me. It was so cold it made me feel like he hated me. It drove me crazy that he couldn't make an effort to use WORDS with me; words are what I understand.

 

The last time we spoke, the conversation ended with me asking him if he understood how much I loved him, and him saying, "I do. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted." I asked him that night how many times in his life he'd had someone tell him that they loved him unconditionally, and he said, "I've never had that until now."

 

So does that not mean anything to him at all? He was really okay with just letting me go because I don't play the f*cking fiddle?!?

It was such a drastic shift, so sudden. Like literally overnight. That's when I blocked all his contact info and ran off alone for two months.

 

And I have no idea if he's tried to contact me. None. I keep wishing he'd show up at my place, he knows where I live, if he really loved me he'd come over, or send me a letter -- he'd make an effort. Which leads me to drive myself crazy telling myself he's with someone else.

 

I love him so much. I have never loved anyone so purely and unconditionally, and I've never had such an incredible relationship. I've never felt so close to anyone, like we were the same person. All I want is to give this guy whatever support he needs to become the person he wants to be and achieve the things he wants to achieve.

 

It just doesn't add up. We had a great time together. We had great sex and were very attracted to each other. And then he just turned off.

 

And I think: really, truly, could he REALLY not accept my love because although I'm an artist, I'm not EXACTLY THE SAME KIND of artist as he is, so he doesn't want all this love and passion and support and adventure I have to give?!?! I thought we wanted the same things in life. Everything was twice as much fun if I did it with him. He said he felt the same way. And then overnight, he just changed.

 

I want to think he misses me, that things ended abruptly, that he might give me another chance now that I've given him space. I sent him one text message in Nov telling him not to contact me until after Jan 15 (book due date, but as it happens, I finished the last chapter last night) but that if he wanted to contact me then he could.

 

So now what do I do? Unblock everything on Jan 15, and then NOT be destroyed if he doesn't call me? The only answer I want from him, the only thing that would make me talk to him again, is if he was open to getting back together. he absolutely does not get to string me along, in any way, shape, or form. But god, it just seems so tragic not to be in each other's lives. Doesn't he feel that way too, at least a little bit? Or has he found some musician chick and he feels MORE connected to her and doesn't give me a thought?

 

I miss him so much it feels like my heart is in someone's fist. I cannot imagine ever getting over this. I have never loved anyone like this in my life, and it kills me that that love is being totally rejected for such a ridiculous reason. I've never wanted to give this much of myself to anyone, and it's because I truly do love him that I let him go. I want him to be happy even more than I want him to be my boyfriend. I didn't even comprehend this kind of love until I met him, and to me it feels like such a rare and special thing. It's like the most selfless thing I've ever felt, short of my love for my animals. I would give anything to make his life a more beautiful place. I love him so much. I wish he would take it.

[brothermartin]

Welcome to the land of the hopeless, baby. Hey, look at the bright side. At least we have each other.

[CalamitousJane]

Hmm, four months is a really long time.

 

You're an ace at NC. I doubt I could ever do it so thoroughly.

 

I wonder if it's time to send him a friendly holiday greeting, just wishing him well, and nothing more. Then maybe just unblock one thing, and see if he figures out which thing it is. Or not.

 

I don't know. If I'm not way over my ex after three more months of NC I'll definitely check in with him and find out how his life's going. Just so I'd know...

[sedgwick]

brothermartin: hell yeah we have each other. you're my LS buddy for sure.

 

jane: the only answer i want from him is that he misses me and wants to get back together. anything else, i'm not interested. i don't want to be his friend. it would kill me to talk to him if he just wanted to be friends. so that's why i'm scared. i just love him so much and being told (indirectly, but still) that i wasn't good enough for him was one of the most painful things i've ever experienced. i still hate leaving my apartment because i'm so terrified of running into him on the street.

[CalamitousJane]

Good enough? That doesn't make any sense at all. I've read your posts, you're obviously an extraordinarily good person

 

If you really loved him you'd wish his sad little ego-driven self a happy holiday.

 

My ex's brother, of all people, recently said to me that fear is the enemy of love. Those words for some reason, really, really stuck with me.

 

You're not stuck in your apartment because of love.

[loveinlife]

You will be okay, it just takes time. i thought of the same way you did about my ex ex. We were gf and bfs for two years, but we kept seeing each other off and on for another 8 months. I was playing her field. Just recently she wanted me back, but at a time when i just met my new ex, the one im trying to get over right now. It does get better, its been two weeks since my new ex left me, everyday gets easier. its not who left you, its the fear that we have when they leave. Work on those fears of yours and begin a new life. i've been reading a lot of spiritual books and self improvement books. they help a lot. Sometimes we identify ourselves with the ex bc we gave them so much, spent a lot of time, and still have lots of memories with them. If you forgive your ex, you will learn to forgive yourself, and you will set yourself free. Its time to make yourself happy again. You will get over this, take some time to get to know who you are and how you can make yourself happy. im still getting over my new ex, so these are the things that has made me better. Learn from the lesson, forgive them, love yourself first. Good luck buttercup

Edited January 18, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed e-mail address.

[serendip]

I love him so much. I have never loved anyone so purely and unconditionally, and I've never had such an incredible relationship. I've never felt so close to anyone, like we were the same person. All I want is to give this guy whatever support he needs to become the person he wants to be and achieve the things he wants to achieve.

 

I feel bad for you...we all feel bad for everyone on LS.

 

But I don't think you love him unconditionally....

 

you want him to take you back...

 

you want him to come to your door with flowers and begging you to give him a chance...

 

you want him to write you a letter filled with romance and poetry...

 

you want him only if he wants you back...

 

Those are conditions....it's contradictory to unconditional love

 

You should be happy with just the love you felt in your heart for him...that's unconditional love

 

your love is unrequited

[sedgwick]

Serendip, did you see the part where I said I am fighting against all the things I want in order to give him his freedom and happiness, because it's more important for him to be happy than for him to be my boyfriend?

[serendip]

Yeah I read that part.

 

I know you want that...but it's not actually how you feel(sorry for my presumptions). You really have to be honest with yourself. I know it sucks...wanting someone who doesn't want you back or at least in the same way. I think most people on LS can relate...it's the human condition that binds us all. We loved truely, madly and deeply and when it ends...it's devestating...it's like a piece of us is missing now and we want it back at all cost.

[sedgwick]

But I DON'T want him back at all costs. I will not chase him. I will not contact him. I want to every day, but more than that, I want to give him what he wants in order to be happy. I don't want him to be with me because I forced him or guilted him. I only want him here if he wants to be, and it's up to him to make that decision. I love him enough to respect what he wants, and if he feels that his life is better without me in it, that's what I'll give him: my silence, my absence. But it doesn't mean I don't still love him for exactly who he is. I just don't tell him about it, because he doesn't want to hear it.

[serendip]

Then you need to do whatever it takes to get over him so that when spring and summer comes around...you can shine again

 

best of luck

 

peace

[CalamitousJane]

...I love him enough to respect what he wants, and if he feels that his life is better without me in it, that's what I'll give him: my silence, my absence. But it doesn't mean I don't still love him for exactly who he is. I just don't tell him about it, because he doesn't want to hear it.

 

Did he specifically ask for you to give him silence and absence? Did he say "Hey Sedgewick, I'd really love it if you made it almost impossible to contact you, and would you also please try not to leave your apartment because seeing you on the street would make me unhappy?"

 

It might be that despite your best intentions he is misinterpreting your loving gestures. If I were him, I might mistake those actions as overdramatic attempts at manipulation.

 

But yeah, like serendip says.... good luck and peace.

[sedgwick]

No, I'm not saying I don't leave my apartment out of fear that he'll see me, but rather out of fear that I'll see him. I doubt it would hurt him at all to see me, whereas seeing him would reduce me to a sniveling pile of goo.

 

Also, I just feel that if he wanted to talk to me, he could. He knows where I live (he still has keys!) and he knows my mailing address. I'm not hard to locate.

 

I'm not sure how NC is overdramatic and manipulative, but if it is, then okay, I'm overdramatic and manipulative!

[Crestfallen_KH]

NC isn't melodramatic, but the way you are using it sort of is. We all know it's supposed to be a tool to help us heal and work on ourselves, and not as a tool to get our ex back, but it sounds as if you thought that's what it would do, and now you're wondering why things aren't working out according to your mental timetable.

 

Don't get me wrong, I did this too, in the beginning. Can I ask, are you sort of a control freak? Well, I am, and my divorce has taught me (among other things) that there are just so many things in the this world and life that are out of my control. It's been hard to surrender that there I things and people I can't affect and I have to let them go to live their own lives and make their choices, whether I agree with them or not.

 

It seems to me that your focus is still primarily on him and what he thinks of you. In the meantime, sure, you spend time working on yourself, but it seems as if you're squeezing that in between bouts of focusing on him. As long as you do this, you'll continue to be locked into this self-created prison.

 

Letting go is hard. I'm still working on it and will be for some time. Are you in therapy? That can definitely help during this process. We all heal on our own timetable, so if this is where you need to be, then be there, but there are things we can do to help mitigate our own suffering in the meantime.

[CalamitousJane]

I'm in NC myself. So no I don't think it's overdramatic by nature.

 

But the whole point is to head toward a place in the future where you can run into each other on the street or he can send you an email or whatever and the two of you can reminisce fondly for a couple minutes then go your separate ways with a feeling of warmth and caring between you.

 

I'm not at that point yet with my recent ex, but I'm heading there as fast as I can.

 

Yes, and having a good therapist definitely helps, as does Loveshack!

 

Sorry if I was tough on you. I know it's really hard. Here, have a bunny -

 

Good luck Sedgwick!

[Rooster_DAR]

I feel your pain, I miss her so much and it's been well over a year. However, I still remain optimistic that I will finally get her out of my head enough to live, all I can do is give it time.

 

Hang in there Seg, I'm right there with you.