The most screwed up situation

[John Cocktoasten]

Hi everyone and thanks for your attention. I am looking for opinions to see why things in my marriage have ended up this way. Brief history: currently 39 years old, married at 24 years old. My wife is 36 years old, obviously 21 when we married. When we met I was in love. I couldn't stop thinking about her, I was always happy...etc. After 5 years of marriage I realized my wife was always miserable and I moved out. I didn't want to live my life in her misery. Basically she thinks the world should be a fairytale and if it isn't, it is my fault. I caved in and agreed to stay married if she sought counseling. She did and seemed much better. However, all the time she was slowly not taking care of herself....gaining weight, no more makeup, doesn't seem to care how slobby or dirty she is. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that I was slowly not physically attracted anymore. So then we decide to have kids....I know, I know...but I thought things would be better. Well now we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and they are awesome. I love them more than anything.

 

The problem is I don't seem to love my wife anymore. The things that didn't bother me before do now. To make things worse, she disgusts me and I can't seem to make myself make love to her. This is killing her and she lets me know often.

 

Now before some of you bash me, let me state the things that make me feel this way:

She gained 80 to 100 lbs since we married (was 115lbs and is now about 200)

She won't clean the house up at all (even after herself)

She smells like nasty sweaty body odor

She won't cook (I cook for the family almost every night)

She doesn't treat the kids well (now she takes out her anger on them)

Her extent of duties with the kids is picking them up from daycare (I dress them in the morning, feed them and bathe them at night, and I put them to bed every night)

She doesn't really make me feel special or loved

She has no respect for money (we are going broke and she just keeps on spending on junk)

 

Those are just a few of the issues. So in the middle of me starting to realize how I feel she sends me an email (how personal) of how she feels I don't love her and I don't have sex with her enough and that maybe we should get divorced. I had a business trip planned and she accused me of having an affair. I was shocked!

 

Now I have to say I have been told that I am great looking, nice...etc. I have had many female friends as well as males tell me to dump my wife and how I can do so much better. However, I thought marriage was forever and I NEVER considered another woman. After receiving this email from my wife I didn't know what to do. To top it all off, at the same time my job was suffering and my step mother was diagnosed with brain cancer. I had a lot of stress that she was oblivious to. That made me feel really unloved.

 

So this waitress that waited on me for two years has befriended me. She is beautiful, funny and really makes me feel good. I start thinking about her when I get this email from my wife for the first time. But they are just thoughts. Well about a month later it is my birthday and I am depressed and no party from my wife and my waitress friend says she wants to buy me a drink for my birthday. I think she is joking but she calls me later and does it!

 

So here we are six months later. I have become less able to deal with my wife and decided after the holidays I am going to get a divorce. Meanwhile, the waitress has gone drinking with me and other friends no less than 20 times or so. She has told me I am hot, she has kissed me on the cheek. She gives me alot of signs that she wants me and then others she doesn't.

 

Here is the screwy part: she lives with her boyfriend of about a year. She tells me how much she loves him. She says they are perfect together. Oh and she is 29 and he is 29, but here I am 39.

 

So...the problem is that I can't stop thinking about her. She obviously likes me alot, but has issues of her own with her boyfriend. The truth is that I don't want to think about her, but I always do. I want to tell her no when she invites me to go out but I always say yes. Meanwhile, my wife has no clue and I feel like a real ass for having these feelings.

 

I am so screwed up I don't know what to do. I wish I loved my wife and never thought of this other woman ever again. However, I can't deny that being with my wife makes me sad and being with the waitress makes me happy.

 

Anyway, I am just here to vent and deal with my emotions. I am not used to having these unstable feelings and it is driving me to drink. I find myself unable to concentrate on anything and I sometimes cry when thinking of leaving my kids and starting another life without my wife. I really feel all alone.

[norajane]

So...the problem is that I can't stop thinking about her.

THAT's your problem ? That's not a problem. Stop eating at that restaurant, and stop asking her out with your friends. Eventually, the little attraction you've developed for her will fade.

 

She has a bf, she says she's in love with him, she has never done anything beyond kiss you on the cheek. You are creating a whole fantasy of being with her that is based on nothing more than her serving you food and going out for drinks with you AND your friends.

 

I understand WHY she is on your mind - your marriage is a disaster and you will take your escape wherever you can find it. However, you need to deal with your wife's email...the one about DIVORCE. And you need to make a decision about your marriage - stay and try to work on it, or get out and THEN worry about other women.

 

Stop avoiding the conflicts in your marriage and deal with them one way or another.

[michaelk]

I've been in your shoes. Out of love with my wife, unable to have sex with her anymore, disgusted by the filthy house and her constant spending of money we didn't have. Plus the stress of having two small children. I was feeling neglected and depressed. What I didn't see was that she was feeling exactly the same way, including being out of love with me.

 

If I had opened up to her then and been honest about how I felt, we might have divorced. We didn't have a history of communicating. But then again, we might have worked on our marriage and made things better. The reason I say this is that's what we ended up doing eventually anyway. Unfortunately, between that low point and us finally fixing things I went out and had an affair.

 

I understand that the attention from that waitress is filling a void for you. It's positive attention when you're feeling neglected. It's the potential for romance when you've lost all hope of that at home. But don't let yourself be drawn in. Whatever high you're getting off of your interaction with her will cloud your judgment and you'll do things you'll later regret.

 

Keep your head about you and deal with the issues at home first. Open up to your wife and lay your cards on the table. If she's not willing to work on herself and your marriage, then I say go ahead and get that divorce. At least you will have made a last ditch effort.

 

And if you're both that miserable, don't think you're doing your kids any favors by staying together. It's not as if they can't pick up on the dynamic between you and your wife. Better that they have happy divorced parent(s) than miserable married ones. Just make sure you stay in their lives. It sounds like you're the primary caregiver when you're home. You can still be that - at least part time.

[Star Gazer]

Hi everyone and thanks for your attention. I am looking for opinions to see why things in my marriage have ended up this way. Brief history: currently 39 years old, married at 24 years old. My wife is 36 years old, obviously 21 when we married.

 

Just curious... How is this obvious?

 

I agree with everything else NJ said.

[amaysngrace]

I am looking for opinions to see why things in my marriage have ended up this way.

 

I think you guys married too young and grew apart. It happens a lot.

 

Not only that but she sounds like she is still miserable. And being around someone who's miserable is going to make you miserable.

 

Now she's doing it to the kids. Definitely uncool.

 

I would divorce her. I wouldn't allow her to rob me anymore of my own happiness if I were you.

 

For whatever reasons I think she wanted to get something in writing which is why she emailed her accusations. It sounds like she's a real drag to be around. And she's draining you dry.

 

I would leave. The kids will be better off if at least one of you is happy. She sounds as if she never will be unfortunately.

 

But you never know. You divorcing her may just be the best thing that ever happened to her.

[John Cocktoasten]

Thanks for your replies.

 

norajane: Yes it is a problem with the waitress, but it is a little more complex than it seems. When she was just my waitress and only a fantasy I could deal with it fine. It is when she started showing interest in me that I had a problem. When she has a few drinks she has told me things, she has told me she loves me, told me that we are so alike in our personalities, told me I was "hot", told me I could get any girl I wanted, gotten jealous over other waitresses at the diner taking up "her" time with me, actually played some ESP games with me and says she can read my mind, pays attention to things my wife doesn't notice....I can go on and on. I don't ask her to go out ever. She asks me every time and the problem is I can't say no. All those times weren't with friends. There have been several where it has been just her and me as well. See when she was just a fantasy I didn't have any issues. It is the fact that she is attracted to me that kills me and attracts me more. My plan is to start a divorce process after the beginning of the year. Just so you know, I don't want to be obsessed with the waitress...I frankly wish I never met her.

 

michaelk: thanks for the sympathy. I understand everything you are saying and you are correct. My plan is to be divorced soon. I really just wish it wasn't so hard to deal with. It would be so much better if I just loved my wife and she loved me. I believe like you that my wife is definitely not in love with me anymore. I am not sure if she truly ever was. I don't intend on having an affair and I recognize that if I can consider an affair I need to end my marriage first. It is wrong and I would be filled with way too much guilt.

 

StarGazer: it is obvious by the math : ). I am 3 years older than my wife. Hence I was 24 and she was 21.

 

amaysngrace: what you say here is how I feel....so that completely backs up my thoughts. I like what you have to say and in my heart I believe that she may become a happier person for not being with me. The truth is that I wish her the greatest happiness ever. I would like her to be happy with her life. The hard part is knowing that I may make her very unhappy with my decision and that is my problem. I care. I really do care. That is the main reason I am unhappy myself because her (and other people's) happiness has always come before my own.

[amaysngrace]

The hard part is knowing that I may make her very unhappy with my decision and that is my problem. I care. I really do care. That is the main reason I am unhappy myself because her (and other people's) happiness has always come before my own.

 

People are responsible for their own happiness. She has been with you for a very long time and she's been miserable for almost all of it. So it doesn't really matter what you say or do or if you're around or not. She is the one who needs to see that she is happy with her life. That is not your responsibility.

 

I apologize in advance to say this about your wife but she is a weak woman. She is lacking character and integrity if she has a problem she needs to address but refuses to do anything about it. Instead she turns to you to give her what she should be seeking for herself. And it's your own well-being that is being tapped into by her. Which is why you feel emotionally drained.

 

That's why that line "you complete me" is a bunch of crap. No-one should expect another to "complete" them. Enhance maybe. But they should be a whole person on their own. And to expect that of someone or to expect to do that for someone is all wrong. That's broken thinking.

 

If you care about your wife you should let her know it. If not as her husband than as her friend. You probably know her better than anybody. Maybe with a little bit of love and tenderness you can encourage her to get the help she needs to get past what is wrong in her head. Maybe she doesn't even know she has a problem but I'm guessing she does. Which is why she has adopted the "I don't care about anything anymore" attitude. She knows she has a problem but isn't able to face her problem. Maybe you can gently point it out to her. Let her know you care. Let her know how seeing her happy means so much to you.

 

Good relationships survive by both partners showing up when there's work to be done.

[Rachel_0814p]

People are responsible for their own happiness.

 

True statement. It's also true that people are responsible for their own misery, and it seems that your wife has chosen to allow her misery to be the "norm" and she's probably so comfortable with it that she wouldn't know what happiness was if it bit her on the ass.

 

My BF had similar marriage woes to yours, He divorced his wife after 19 years because he finally got tired of not having the relationship he wanted. He was the outgoing friendly type while she was very cold and always complaining. She was perfectly content to live in cold indifference towards him, showing her affection only through cooking and cleaning and laundry as long as he continued to provide her with the type of lifestyle she wanted and she didn't have to actually speak to him or hear his opinions.

 

So after years of being treated like the least important person in the world, he divorced her, which was hard at first because she fought him tooth and nail... "What would the neighbors think!" When she finally realized that she'd be getting about $100k in equity from their house, it was amazing how quickly she changed her tune. She couldn't wait to get those divorce papers signed. She got a new boyfriend, a new career, decided to move out of state, etc. Now she's moved on to greener pastures (and when I say greener, I mean the money--her boyfriend's apparently rich)

 

And my BF, well, he's moved on with me. We laugh everyday. we're so happy. It's been 4 years and even though we have the occasional tiff, we've gone to bed every night snuggled up together (never go to bed angry!). So, he's happy, I'm happy, his kids are happy, the dogs are happy! Everything is perfect! My BF's only regret in all of this is that he didn't divorce his ex sooner. He says that if he could go back, he would have left the first time he realized she wasn't the woman he thought she was--2 months before they got married when he first met her ugly side. One day he said something that she didn't like, and her response was to destroy 2 expensive acoustic guitars by picking them up and bashing them together. Yikes!

 

ANYWAY, Stop drowning your sorrows in booze--that never helped anyone! And definitely don't stay with your wife out of fear of being alone. Would you rather be with her and miserable? Or alone and possibly happy???

 

Don't stay with your wife because you're afraid of losing your kids...Just because it didn't work out with their mother doesn't mean you're no longer their father. It will be hard at first, but everyone will adjust and things will get better because there will be a lot less tension once the divorce is final.

 

And although I know it's been an ego boost for you, it's probably best to quit it with the waitress. She's taken. So find someone who isn't taken and then move on!!

[Angelina Nisse]

She doesn't treat the kids well (now she takes out her anger on them)

 

This is the part that bothers me the most.

 

You are not emotionally able to even consider a divorce. I believe that, in spite of her disgusting behavior, you still do have feelings for your wife. Yes, she has let herself go....don't know what's going on...sounds like depression.

 

Your #1 priority right now, IS THOSE KIDS. They need a stable home. Before you throw your family life and your marriage away for some dingy waitress; please - TRY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

 

First off; you need to find out WHY your wife is behaving this way. Especially towards the kids. I suggest taking the kids somewhere for a few hours, and then take your wife out to a nice restaurant....during the meal, tell her honestly how you are feeling.

SHE MUST BE MADE TO UNDERSTAND, that her behavior towards those kids is *UNACCEPTABLE.* Whatever her issues are - she needs to get started working on them to solve them. She cannot use the kids to relieve her stress and anger. They do NOT deserve to be screamed at, or whatever she is doing.

I would calmly but EMPHATICALLY tell her; that this must stop.

I would also tell her that you want to save your marriage, and then tell her that you want to see her taking care of herself again.

Maybe you could suggest exercising together, jogging together, or something. Not that you are going to be co-responsible; this is something SHE must do herself, but it would show her that you want to help her.

 

Please talk to her, communicate with her that you are sick with worry, especially about the kids.

 

The fact that she sent an email speaks volumes (no pun intended).

 

Please try to save your marriage. You are only thinking about the waitress because you are distraught over your marriage going down the tubes....you are upset. Those kids need and deserve a stable home, please do what you can to save it!!!!