Pulled a stupid... possible to recover?

[D-Lish]

No, she does not need to call, but would you want to date someone who cancels on you without explaining the reason why, and then went out with friends instead? Is it ok for your FRIENDS to cancel with you and say "I'

m

just going to stay in" when in reality, they are going to the bar! She's not obligated to call him, but it is a -1 for her. If she had said "we've spent

so

much time together this week; I'd like a night with my friends. Would it be ok if we rescheduled for Saturday or Sunday"...problem averted.

 

You're right. That is how I should have handled it- I just didn't want to hurt him.... live and learn I guess.

 

 

[KenzieAbsolutely]

No, she does not need to call, but would you want to date someone who cancels on you without explaining the reason why, and then went out with friends instead? Is it ok for your FRIENDS to cancel with you and say "I'm just going to stay in" when in reality, they are going to the bar! She's not obligated to call him, but it is a -1 for her. If she had said "we've spent so much time together this week; I'd like a night with my friends. Would it be ok if we rescheduled for Saturday or Sunday"...problem averted.

 

i agree, which is why i said it wasn't the best way to handle it. but the way he handled it wasn't any better.

[oppath]

i agree, which is why i said it wasn't the best way to handle it. but the way he handled it wasn't any better.

 

So -1 and -1. Give him a bit of space because he might be giving her a bit of space. See him again, keep your eyes open, see how you feel, tighten up your own boundaries. Catch you in a week.

[D-Lish]

That is how I am going to handle it.

It sucks not knowing what someone is thinking- but space is often a good way to put things into perspective from both ends.

 

I think I really let him down when he found out I had avoided him and he had been putting so much effort into seeing me.

 

When I drove him to his car in the snow storm, I also told him I was angry he had made me drive in the bad weather. i said it calmly and told him I wasn't going to make a deal about it because he was so sick.... but that might have just been another thing that turned him off.

 

Who knows.

Space is the best solution- and if I don't hear from him then I will let it go.

[Jilly Bean]

D, I think you're rationalizing him being a dick, and heaping all the blame on yourself. What happened to your 4 bullet points of why he is such a schmuck? You're making this all your fault, when you were only reacting to him being an a**. Remember, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because you were dishonest about your whereabouts - I dunno - if I told that to some guy so I could have some space, and I found him on my doorstep at 3AM, I'd be pretty tweaked. I mean, its not like he was CALLING you to see if you were sick at home, and that he brought you by soup and was waiting outside to bring it in. No, he stalked you and waited for you outside your place, I am sure to see when you got home, and who you were with. You may think that's fine, but to me, that smacks of some pathology with THAT behavior. Particularly from someone I have known a few weeks, and I haven't even been sleeping with.

 

And you KNOW if some guy wrote on here about how some chick he'd been dating for a few weeks was waiting outside his place at 3AM one night when he decided to blow her off and go out with his friends, everyone would be up in arms and telling him that shes a psycho nut and to run.

 

See, everyone has a choice how they respond in situations. And I think the way he treats you is badly. I'd stop making excuses, before he just gets worse...

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I have been blaming myself.

 

It's the ignoring that drives me crazy... and I have to just let that go.

I'd be giving the same advice to someone that you are giving to me if I read this post.

[Jilly Bean]

D - its that ignoring that does make us 6 shades of chick crazy. I SO know what you mean. It would be so much easier if you just KNEW. But, for now, how about you focus on how YOU feel?

[Trialbyfire]

If I recall correctly D-Lish, he's pretty young, so he won't react in the way you expect an older guy to react. Some younger men have more fragile egos, not because they're any better or worse than older men, but that they haven't had the experience therefore have a stronger sense of self.

 

It sounds like his ego is acting up right now. Give him the room to think about things and if he's committed, he'll contact you. If he doesn't contact, he's not the kind of guy you really want in your life.

[oppath]

The last girl I was dating, she didn't come over when she was supposed to. I knew she had social plans before me and she wasn't answering her phone or responded to texts. It was late. Two hours past when she should have been at my place. I drove to her house to make see if she was home. Why? Because I cared and was worried about her.

 

I suppose the difference is that she never called me to cancel plans, and while she was not my girlfriend, we had known each other for a long time. Those are actually BIG differences.

 

But only this guy knows why he showed up. He announced it in advance. Waiting there for an hour or so is psycho. Was his reasoning really "I was mad at you for canceling and when you didn't pick up the phone I decided to come over and see what was up?"

 

Or is there more to this story?

 

D-Lish, I don't think you should blame yourself for anything. I also am not sure you should discard him as a jerk. I think you should determine what your boundaries are and proceed with caution since you acknowledge you were basically resisting falling for him.

 

There are often 3 sides of the story and while his is certainly not correct, and I'd lean most of the way towards yours, I suspect there is some miscommunication and another side that is more objective that would be impossible for us to see since we can't read minds and you can't read his.

 

Or, you can be proactive, call him up and ask "How are you feeling? I thought I would have heard from you earlier, and was wondering if you are ok." That would be a great preface to the breakup conversation. Or I'd wait one more day.

 

You did nothing wrong. But it is possible he wants some space and it's possible he realizes he acted really poorly too and wants to distance himself to give you breathing room.

[D-Lish]

D - its that ignoring that does make us 6 shades of chick crazy. I

SO

know what you mean. It would be

so

much easier if you just KNEW. But, for now, how about you focus on how YOU feel?

 

It would always be better if we just knew....

lol.

 

What I know- is that I am being ignored on purpose... and that makes me feel like crap.

 

What I would like to have is to find a good way to restore some semblence of control over this mess. WHen someone ignores you and you feel affected by it- you are giving up control to someone else. That's not a good position to be in.

 

I had a take him or leave him attitude until he ignored me... then things changed.

SO

I am trying to figure out how to take back control of my feelings. Once I find a way to do that- I think I will be able to think with a clearer head.

;-)

 

[maynicholas]

You could change your thought pattern to "Hey, at least I got laid!" Ok, nothing really for you- just trying to get you to stop perseverating on the situation.

My suggestion is get yourself a glass of wine, draw a nice warm bath, add some bubbles, and candles. Relax and have said wine in the bath, then turn in for the night. Tomorrow is a new day for a new outlook. A good sleep could give that to you.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, what you are doing now is personalizing the (perceived) rejection. Understandable, and very normal. I would be the same way. However, realize this is where it is coming from. You are more feeling like he has gotten *hand* and feeling like you would have prefered to reject him first. I GET that. Big time. But please try to realize that how he is behaving is really not about you, and is about WHO he is, and how he always behaves. Meaning, he would do this to any number of women, so its best to not take it all to heart like this somehow reflects on you so directly. Make sense?

[whichwayisup]

He isn't ignoring you, he said he was sick and not feeling well. And he did text you.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't think anything unusual yet. Just wait this out and see how things are when he is feeling better.

 

Anyway, if you really like this guy, then go for it. But, with that being said, you might want to talk to him about his attitude about other women and not to gawk and say stuff about them when you're around. That should be a "guy" thing he does with his buddy's not with you.

[D-Lish]

But only this guy knows why he showed up. He announced it in advance. Waiting there for an hour or

so

is psycho. Was his reasoning really "I was mad at you for canceling and when you didn't pick up the phone I decided to come over and see what was up?"

 

Or is there more to this story?

 

I cancelled because I was afraid of how much time we were spending together... and he was upset because he thought i was breaking up with him. Actually, I initially intended on just napping- but my

gf

called at 11 and woke me up

so

I decided to go out with her. He texted me at 2:30 and said he was stopping by. I came home at 3 and he was at my place.

He claimed he was worried I was pulling away from him. I admitted I was feeling scared about falling for him and that's why I took a little space. We did talk at length about that- and he seemed to understand. he was however upset that I had woken up, gone out and then not contacted him.

 

I think he thought he was okay with it initially, but after thinking it over, he got mad. When he was here in my apartment on Saturday after the fight- he was pointing out beer bottles and asking if I was always having people over... then he made a snide comment about my web cam, asking me if I used it often to talk to other guys.

 

If you want to know the truth- a part of me is suspicious he might have been snooping in my computer. I had a bath and walked my dogs when he was here and left him unattended at my computer. He might have found e-mails or snooped my msn, or even my dating profile- because my password is unprotected.

 

I can't be sure of that- but it would make sense. When I got out of my bath he was sitting at my computer.

 

Anyhow- I don't think he is right for me, I am just having problems dealing with his rejection of me at the moment. Rejection is never a good thing.

 

 

[D-Lish]

Well, what you are doing now is personalizing the (perceived) rejection. Understandable, and very normal. I would be the same way. However, realize this is where it is coming from. You are more feeling like he has gotten *hand* and feeling like you would have prefered to reject him first. I GET that. Big time. But please try to realize that how he is behaving is really not about you, and is about WHO he is, and how he always behaves. Meaning, he would do this to any number of women,

so

its best to not take it all to heart like this somehow reflects on you

so

directly. Make sense?

 

Yes, that's the problem- it does make sense!

lol. Rejection does strange things to people!

 

I know that a lot of my reaction has to do with being adored and lavished with attention for a month- and then snubbed.

I do think his ego was bruised and he is punishing me.

 

 

 

 

[Florida]

 

I think he thought he was okay with it initially, but after thinking it over, he got mad. When he was here in my apartment on Saturday after the fight- he was pointing out beer bottles and asking if I was always having people over... then he made a snide comment about my web cam, asking me if I used it often to talk to other guys.

 

If you want to know the truth- a part of me is suspicious he might have been snooping in my computer. I had a bath and walked my dogs when he was here and left him unattended at my computer. He might have found e-mails or snooped my msn, or even my dating profile- because my password is unprotected.

 

I can't be sure of that- but it would make sense. When I got out of my bath he was sitting at my computer.

 

Anyhow- I don't think he is right for me, I am just having problems dealing with his rejection of me at the moment. Rejection is never a good thing.

 

 

 

That's a lot of pertinent info D- is all I can say.

 

I think based on how you described him- he definitely looked through your personal computer things, I don't even question it. I would change your passwords if you haven't already.

 

And that webcam insinuation-that's really dirty of him to ask that.

 

It's his deep dark issues. The thing about people like that-they make me a ton more suspicious about them, by them being

so

suspicious to begin with. That's pretty dark.

 

The rejection thing is like playing hot potatoe- you just want to throw it back at him!

 

But soon it will cool off and it will be just a dumb potatoe and you'll throw it out.

[D-Lish]

haha Florida... I like the potato reference.

 

Hmm.... I have wondered if he was snooping my computer.

That would make total sense.

I do have e-mails on there from other guys I have been talking to...and my plenty of fish account has my password automatically inserted when you click the icon.

[maynicholas]

Seriously D- stop thinking so much. You are better than this. Step away from the computer, get a cocktail, have a relaxing bubble bath and call it a night. The longer you stay up thinking about it, the worse you will feel. This guy doesn't sound worth the energy. I know it's hard when you are really looking for the right person, but like everyone said- you can't keep making excuses for his actions.

 

You know what they say- When someone shows you who they are, believe them... oh, and they also say- this too shall pass...

[Racquel Colette]

D-Lish, this doesn't sound like Mr. Right, this sounds like Mr. Right Now. He simply doesn't meet your standards, at least the ones you should have for yourself.

It's not you, it's him. He's not good enough for you, and I think you knew that deep down before all this went down this past weekend. So....next! And don't sweat it. Buh-bye.

[Star Gazer]

Well, what you are doing now is personalizing the (perceived) rejection. Understandable, and very normal. I would be the same way. However, realize this is where it is coming from. You are more feeling like he has gotten *hand* and feeling like you would have prefered to reject him first. I GET that. Big time. But please try to realize that how he is behaving is really not about you, and is about WHO he is, and how he always behaves. Meaning, he would do this to any number of women, so its best to not take it all to heart like this somehow reflects on you so directly. Make sense?

 

For the first time ever, I agree with JB.

 

It's hard not to personalize things and be hurt by others' actions, but it really does all come down to THEM and not you.

 

Your issue with this dude really does seem to be ego-driven, D. How about YOU snub HIM?

[D-Lish]

Well, he sent me a message on facebook.

He said my reluctance to commit to him made him pull back and think twice about how he felt about me.

 

He went on to say he came to the conlclusion that he wanted to be with me and work things out.

 

He is going away for two weeks at x-mas to visit family.

I suggested we re-visit our situation when he comes back after we both have time to think over the holidays.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

So -1 and -1. Give him a bit of space because he might be giving her a bit of space. See him again, keep your eyes open, see how you feel, tighten up your own boundaries. Catch you in a week.

 

you're like the dr. house of loveshack, oppath. (that was a compliment.)

[Trialbyfire]

Well, he sent me a message on facebook.

He said my reluctance to commit to him made him pull back and think twice about how he felt about me.

 

He went on to say he came to the conlclusion that he wanted to be with me and work things out.

 

He is going away for two weeks at x-mas to visit family.

I suggested we re-visit our situation when he comes back after we both have time to think over the holidays.

That's a power play D-Lish. Is this what you want to do?

[D-Lish]

That's a power play D-Lish. Is this what you want to do?

 

I didn't realize that... is it?

damn I am bad at this.

 

I guess I feel hurt he has been ignoring me and am not sure he wants to be with me... even though his exact words were "I want you".

 

You're right.

I don't want a power play.

Crap.

 

 

[Florida]

Tell him he better walk on glass to explain why he was so callous in musing about past and possible future women....honestly that part bothers me the most and he better make that up to you in some heavy explaining and never never do that crap again!