Racquel Colette Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 He isn't the man for you. Next! Don't sweat it, he's not worth it.
Krytie TV Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 If it were someone else....I would be freaked out- but for some reason not with this guy. But D, how many hours must he have been waiting there. Focus on what you want, but him waiting for HOURS for you to return is whacked. I think the only mistake that was made here was that you had sex with him the night he did an incredibly creepy thing.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 If he's a worthwhile guy, he'll understand this. This isn't a fair thing to say. He very well could be a good guy who doesn't like dishonesty. D-Lish lying about where she was isn't the worst thing in the world by any means, but from his side of things it looks like she's, at worst, a dishonest person and, at best, lacking some interest in him. Sure, the reason she cancelled was benevolent but, bottom line, she still cancelled on him to go out with her friends and didn't even let him know the real reason. That would put most guys off--worthwhile or not.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 TB being a guy do you think he was saying things to set her off-to get her back for lying to him? Do guys do that? Yes! Think about it! He is telling her that he no longer has expectations of exclusivity! Honestly, if a girl did that to me... especially one who I had put alot of effort and emotion into. I'd get what I want ASAP and get out, and I would be as cold and hurtful as possible.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 But D, how many hours must he have been waiting there. Focus on what you want, but him waiting for HOURS for you to return is whacked. I think the only mistake that was made here was that you had sex with him the night he did an incredibly creepy thing. Agreed. It could be creepy for him to stop by without asking, period. -1 for him, -1.5 for you for lying. And I can see when he got there, perhaps to check up or because his gut said "something is up", he'd be pissed. And if I were him, I'd call you out on it with a text or phone call. I would not WAIT. But use your judgment. Depending on the girl and our relationship, I can put myself in her shoes. This isn't a fair thing to say. He very well could be a good guy who doesn't like dishonesty. D-Lish lying about where she was isn't the worst thing in the world by any means, but from his side of things it looks like she's, at worst, a dishonest person and, at best, lacking some interest in him. Sure, the reason she cancelled was benevolent but, bottom line, she still cancelled on him to go out with her friends and didn't even let him know the real reason. That would put most guys off--worthwhile or not. DEFINITELY! This is big time for me. If you cancel and say "my friends want to go do this, so let's reschedule" that is a strike against you, but if you just cancel and then go out with friends instead, that is two strikes and the best reliever is on the mound, only the rule is a foul ball and you are out.
Mustang Sally Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Ok. I hear what you are saying TB. I guess I'm just looking at it as both parties have made some (ostensibly) minor errors. At least in my book. Maybe you feel they are more serious. I made plenty of errors with my H in the very beginning (and probably just about every other guy I dated, to be truthful). But he was a keeper and he felt the same about me, and we worked it out. Now does that mean that I'm advocating doing dumb sh*t just for the hell of it? To test the guy? Or take advantage of him? Not at all. I'm just saying that I've read a lot of threads lately about people worried that they've lost "the one," or someone close, merely by making small human mistakes. My point is, that if he's really someone who is IN TO D-lish, i.e. with long-term potential, then he's probably going to weather this minor setback. If not, then probably time to move on anyway. You may disagree. I can still respect you in the morning.
Jilly Bean Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I'd lose him, D. Why? 1 - been dating a few weeks, and he's lurking outside your apartment at 3AM? Thats way too stalkerish for me. I bet you $5 he was waiting to see if you came home with someone. 2 - you have sex for the first time, and immediately afterwards, he starts telling you all about the women he has banged before you, and how many more he wonders he will bang after you? He wasn't being insensitive. He was being honest. Girl, man up and lose him! What an ass! Sidebar - I had a scene with a guy I had started dating a few weeks ago, and he showed his Ahole card. Afterwards, ALL my guy friends told me he was a turd, and to lose him. And yet my gf's tried to make me feel like it was my fault. Ultimately, my guy friends were right - other things came to light about him, and he was indeed a loser. Just don't take responsibility for him being a jerk, and feel like you have to remedy something that is not only broken today, but will only get worse if you stay with it. You seem so much better than this, D...
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 You may disagree. I can still respect you in the morning. Right back atcha, baby.
Florida Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Yes! Think about it! He is telling her that he no longer has expectations of exclusivity! Honestly, if a girl did that to me... especially one who I had put alot of effort and emotion into. I'd get what I want ASAP and get out, and I would be as cold and hurtful as possible. D-I have to agree with Cobra, and I would have more hope if everything that happened after he waited for you did not happen in the way it did. Honestly-I don't like to play "dump the loser" behind my keyboard-this is your life, not some vid game. Yet... it just reads really badly like Cob and JB said. It sounds too damaged, maybe cut your losses at this point.
Author D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I'd lose him, D. Why? 1 - been dating a few weeks, and he's lurking outside your apartment at 3AM? Thats way too stalkerish for me. I bet you $5 he was waiting to see if you came home with someone. 2 - you have sex for the first time, and immediately afterwards, he starts telling you all about the women he has banged before you, and how many more he wonders he will bang after you? He wasn't being insensitive. He was being honest. Girl, man up and lose him! What an ass! Sidebar - I had a scene with a guy I had started dating a few weeks ago, and he showed his Ahole card. Afterwards, ALL my guy friends told me he was a turd, and to lose him. And yet my gf's tried to make me feel like it was my fault. Ultimately, my guy friends were right - other things came to light about him, and he was indeed a loser. Just don't take responsibility for him being a jerk, and feel like you have to remedy something that is not only broken today, but will only get worse if you stay with it. You seem so much better than this, D... Your words held a lot of weight for me. I have been making excuses for him. Perhaps I have just been grasping onto the attention he gives me. I think from day one I have known he wasn't right for me. I don't think he's a bad guy- but maybe not the right guy for me. I am trying to put my own feelings into perspective here. I was fine until I handed him the upper hand... now I am allowing him to make me a bit stir crazy. 1) He likes to mention other women are hot in front of me. 2) He has made it clear he doesn't see me as the last person he is going to sleep with...and did so right after we slept together for the first time. 3) He made me drive him home at 2am during a wicked snow storm without any regard for my safety. 4) He is hot one moment- and cold the next. Writing those concerns down helps me to understand I should be moving on without him.
Mustang Sally Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 1) He likes to mention other women are hot in front of me. 2) He has made it clear he doesn't see me as the last person he is going to sleep with...and did so right after we slept together for the first time. 3) He made me drive him home at 2am during a wicked snow storm without any regard for my safety. 4) He is hot one moment- and cold the next. Whoa, there sister. I didn't realize this business, above. I amend my previous statements. Numbers 1 and 2 make him not worth your time, in my mind. Next!
Jilly Bean Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Girl, I SO did the same thing. I blamed myself for WEEKS over "blowing it" with this "great guy". What was clouding me, is that I LIKED him. So of course when he went full-blown f**ktard on me, it wasn't that easy to kick him out. My emotions were already engaged. Of course, it's harder for you now, because you've had sex, and we all know once the d%^k goes in, we get even more attached. When I finally had the time and distance from him and what happened, it really made sense to me that yes, I was a little out of line, but that was only in reaction to the unforgiveable gaff he pulled. I have faith you'll do the right thing.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So in the span of two hours you went from being so into him it "scares" you to writing him off as a jerk because he didn't like being lied to? Women are insane.
Author D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 lol- the long drive home was so he could get his car from his parents place. He had left it there when I picked him up on my way home from shopping in the states. He had no other way of getting his car otherwise...and he wanted to be at home at his parents place because his room mates had a party going on and he didn't want to go to his small apartment and be sick when there was a party going on. That is why he wanted to be at his parents place- which is 45 minutes away.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So in the span of two hours you went from being so into him it "scares" you to writing him off as a jerk because he didn't like being lied to? Women are insane. Surely you've concluded this before the past two hours
jerbear Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Your words held a lot of weight for me. I have been making excuses for him. Perhaps I have just been grasping onto the attention he gives me. I think from day one I have known he wasn't right for me. I don't think he's a bad guy- but maybe not the right guy for me. I am trying to put my own feelings into perspective here. I was fine until I handed him the upper hand... now I am allowing him to make me a bit stir crazy. 1) He likes to mention other women are hot in front of me. 2) He has made it clear he doesn't see me as the last person he is going to sleep with...and did so right after we slept together for the first time. 3) He made me drive him home at 2am during a wicked snow storm without any regard for my safety. 4) He is hot one moment- and cold the next. Writing those concerns down helps me to understand I should be moving on without him. After reading these... I would say being a guy; doing #1 in front of my girl is a no no. However in front of a friend, close friend or FWB, it is "ok" #2 already a bad sign and add that with #1 is a bad sign as in chase, sex, dump. Sorry I've done this before to a girl. #3 bad sign, I wouldn't send a girl home at 2am... #4 to wishy washy for me... As a guy if a girl was like that to me, I would keep her as a FWB or just pump & dump , and then just leave her at that. I would pursue other women and in all honesty keep her around till "we're bored."
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 i think she was in the middle; she wouldn't have come to LS if she exactly what to do.... and i highly doubt she came to the decision only after a few posts' worth of consideration. though who knows, some decisions are made quickly like that, and they're still not wrong. and some, well many, of us here dispense excellent advice. sometimes, often actually, talking it out helps to see things from a different perspective. did you ever have a problem, and in the midst of explaining to someone, you end up saying "oh, nevermind...i just got it..." because you talked it out? it's like that. also, sometimes bouncing off ideas off other people helps to see things more clearly......hence the premise of LS.... so, d-lish, what are you going to tell him? and when?
Author D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I guess the bottom line is that we all make mistakes. I have been taking my time with him, taking things slowly. He has been the one to be in a rush to nail down a committment with me. Yes, I believe he was upset with me for not being upfront about why I cancelled the date. We did talk at length about that when he came over. During our time together we have both pulled some stupids.... I think he has worried as much as I have where we stand with one another. He has come on strong- and the coming over at 3am didn't phase me. Perhaps he did take what he wanted from me and then decide to leave me. Besides that one incident, I have been good to him, and we have had lots of fun. It is possible though, that after having some time to think about it that he decided I was playing him and wanted to leave me. yes, my reasoning behind cancelling was benevolent. We had been spending so much time together- like 4 days a week, and getting really close. I got scared. He really was coming on very strong and I was worrying about falling for him and being hurt.... that is why I pulled away. I explained all that and he did seem fine with that, at least I thought he did. Perhaps i hurt him enough that I pushed him away. His ex gf cheated on him- and I think he has some major trust issues- which is why he showed up to check on me, and why he freaked out when he couldn't get a hold of me for 12 hours. But now his silence is really driving me crazy. I have been resisting the urge to call him- mostly because I know I will probably regret it later. I am just leaving him alone with his thoughts. If it's just the flu, I will probably hear from him.... if it's more than that I probably won't- and I'll leave it at that. I don't know. I guess I felt that one little screw up wasn't enough to break things. I guess I was wrong. I do feel bad for not being upfront. I really did get nervous because we were hanging out far too much.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 sometimes, often actually, talking it out helps to see things from a different perspective. did you ever have a problem, and in the midst of explaining to someone, you end up saying "oh, nevermind...i just got it..." because you talked it out? it's like that. Sure, but her being into him wasn't the problem she was posting about. It was the recent turn of events. Secondly, I've never been soooo into a girl it "scares" me only to not be into her 2 hours later.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Maybe he is trying to give you some space since things were going a little quick for you. In truth, they were going too quick, right? Any time things go like that right away, and someone acts a little different, it causes someone to freak out. That's why slowly growing into the relationship is a better idea.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 His ex gf cheated on him- and I think he has some major trust issues- which is why he showed up to check on me, and why he freaked out when he couldn't get a hold of me for 12 hours. okay, but that's not your fault, and it's hardly your problem. if you were his girlfriend, and he suspected you of cheating, then it's one thing to check up on you. but you're not. he's this suspicious...when you're only dating? baggage is such a very unattractive quality; it seems like you're very understanding, or you just really want to see the good in this guy, but how much of this are you willing to deal with, regarding said baggage? he obviously doesn't trust easily, and yes, you did lie and say you would be home, but if what if you just changed your mind and went out? did you have to call and check with him to be able to go out with your friends? that's ridiculous. i would be very wary of someone who is this controlling this early, and is bringing all his issues of mistrust to the table. it will probably only get worse, to be honest, since it's already pretty annoying and creepy.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I guess I felt that one little screw up wasn't enough to break things. The problem with lying isn't only the lie itself, it's that now he has to wonder from here on out if you're not being truthful with him. Like I said, that one lie isn't the worst thing in the world but it does set a bad precedent, especially for a person with trust issues (believe me ).
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Sure, but her being into him wasn't the problem she was posting about. It was the recent turn of events. Secondly, I've never been soooo into a girl it "scares" me only to not be into her 2 hours later. yeah,guess you're right. touche. and i haven't either.
oppath Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 baggage is such a very unattractive quality; it seems like you're very understanding, or you just really want to see the good in this guy, but how much of this are you willing to deal with, regarding said baggage? he obviously doesn't trust easily, and yes, you did lie and say you would be home, but if what if you just changed your mind and went out? did you have to call and check with him to be able to go out with your friends? that's ridiculous. No, she does not need to call, but would you want to date someone who cancels on you without explaining the reason why, and then went out with friends instead? Is it ok for your FRIENDS to cancel with you and say "I'm just going to stay in" when in reality, they are going to the bar! She's not obligated to call him, but it is a -1 for her. If she had said "we've spent so much time together this week; I'd like a night with my friends. Would it be ok if we rescheduled for Saturday or Sunday"...problem averted.
Author D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 So in the span of two hours you went from being so into him it "scares" you to writing him off as a jerk because he didn't like being lied to? Women are insane. haha- agreed, you're just figuring this out now? As a woman, I do flip flop back and forth. It just really helps to talk things out and hear what other people have to say. Right now, it's driving me crazy not to know what the other person is thinking... so the brain just jumps all over the place. It's not fun to be in my head right now. I do think that JB's words helped me to put some things into perspective for me. Do I like this guy? Yes, of course. Am I upset that he is ignoring me? Yes... obviously. I invite any and all opinions.... including the observation that I am flip-flopping. I do think that I have to consider that his actions mean he isn't the right man for me. When you're confused about something, all sorts of notions run rampant through your head. That is how I am feeling right now. I don't know what he is thinking or what is going on in his head- and that is bothering me. I guess I am just trying to come to a decision on how to handle this. Wait it out- or take initiative and contact him to see what's up.
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