Pulled a stupid... possible to recover?

[D-Lish]

I've been seeing someone new, and things have been going pretty good.

In the last couple weeks I have been experiencing some cold feet. It's not that I don't like him- it's the opposite, I do like him and that scares me.

 

We have started to get close to one another and then discussing the possibility of adding sex into the relationship. On Friday, we had plans for him to come over.... but I got nervous and cancelled, then went out with my friends. At 3 am I come home and he was at my place waiting for me. I had told him I was going to stay home.... so now I had just been caught being untruthful. He comes inside and I tell him the truth- that things had been happening so fast and I liked him, but was scared of how fast things were moving.

 

That evening, we did have sex for the first time... and this is where I pulled a stupid move. We were lying together, and he started talking about how many women he had been with.... then he went on to speculate how many more women he would be with in his lifetime.

Well- it was insensitive on his part- and I should have just calmly told him that. Instead, I blew a gasket and yelled at him and kicked him out of my house.

 

Until this moment- I had been in complete control over the relationship- he called me, he pursued me- if he couldn't get a hold of me he would text and call me 10 times in a row. But this incident with my yelling and kicking him out sort of changed the balance of power. He was now mad at me...and it has been me doing the pursuing and worrying and contact since then.

 

I did see him the next day- and we had a rational conversation. I apologized for my behavior, and he said he was sorry for saying something insensitive- insisted it was just an off the cuff comment. But things have not been the same.

 

We spent Saturday all day together- then about 2am he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted me to drive him home. I did drive him home- even through a bad snow storm- because he was so adamant he didn't want to be sick and gross in front of me in my bathroom.

 

I told him I was angry he had me drive him home 45minutes in a bad snowstorm... but that I was letting it go because he was ill. He hugged me goodbye and apologized for making me drive. I got home at 3:30am from the drive and he msn's me to say he was glad I was safe and he would talk to me later. I heard from him onlu once on MSN yesterday- him saying he was really sick and he would talk to me later.

 

My gut instinct is telling me something is up. I am not sure if he is really sick- or just avoiding me because he wants to end things. Keep in mind we have been talking everyday- texting msning, phone since the day we met....so the absence is suspect to me, regardless of whther he is sick.

 

I am using all my restraint to refrain from calling.

I texted him once last night to check in on him and didn't hear back.

I won't reach out again- because he left it saying he would call.

 

My question is- can you recover from an outburst like that?

He's basically ignored me for 2 days... and yes, he could have a bad flu bug (he was getting bad when he was here)....

I am not sure if it's just me being paranoid because the fight coincided with the illness.... or I am being blown off.

 

After out fight, we did spend a great day together, and he seemed completely himself until he started getting ill. Am I being paranoid?

 

The snow storm we had was pretty bad on Saturday- some of my friends think I should be the one to dump him for making me drive him home under those circumstances without regard for my safety. And I did get really bitchy with him for making him drive me home.

 

ahhhh, what to think.

I am currently just keeping myself busy and have no plans to contact him.

It just sucks to be in a position where you don't know what is going on.

 

Sorry this was so long- it's been a while since I vented here!

D

[jerbear]

Were the you girl who I was texting, calling, talking to for the last two weeks then disappeared earlier this week???

 

Well what I have done was pretty much what you have done but left it in their court. In my case her court and your's his court. I would just leave it at that.

 

Regarding getting sick, well that was what I have tought or something worse but in all honesty... you'll hear from them after they get well. I would suggest moving on as this is the holidays and just go out and enjoy life!

 

Live life today and not tomorrow or even next year!

[Florida]

On Friday, we had plans for him to come over.... but I got nervous and cancelled, then went out with my friends. At 3 am I come home and he was at my place waiting for me. I had told him I was going to stay home.... so now I had just been caught being untruthful. He comes inside and I tell him the truth- that things had been happening so fast and I liked him, but was scared of how fast things were moving.

 

That evening, we did have sex for the first time... and this is where I pulled a stupid move. We were lying together, and he started talking about how many women he had been with.... then he went on to speculate how many more women he would be with in his lifetime.

Well- it was insensitive on his part- and I should have just calmly told him that. Instead, I blew a gasket and yelled at him and kicked him out of my house.

 

 

This is weird. Why would he be waiting for you at 3AM when yo come home?

 

And that night was your first night together intimately? After you told him you were trying to take it slow....then after you are lying in the bask of warm feelings, he brings up how many women he was with and how many he thinks he will be with?

 

WTF?? I would be pissed too, D-were you ready to be with him that night or did it just happen? Or did he kickstart it?

 

It just doesn't sound right how he was waiting for you so late, then starts acting like a jerk since then.

[SusanChess]

Weren't you freaked out that he was waiting for you at your place at three in the morning?? Did he say how long he'd been there?

[D-Lish]

He had been waiting for me because he thought something was up when I cancelled that date. We did talk at length that night about what it would mean to have sex... and then it just simply happened.

 

He is prone to saying insensitive things... like always mentioning other girls are hot. I don't see him as a player- I just see him as a bit naive about things like that. In reality, I sense a lot of insecurity.

 

I left my phone at home once for 8 hours.... and when I got home he had text me 17 times and called me 3 times because he couldn't get a hold of me and he thought I was breaking up with him. Yeah, a little over the top.... but, as you can see, to go from that behaviour to now ignoring me is very confusing.

 

I think that the fact that I lied to him about staying in Friday and cancelling the date turned him off.

[sunshinegirl]

He is prone to saying insensitive things... like always mentioning other girls are hot. I don't see him as a player- I just see him as a bit naive about things like that. In reality, I sense a lot of insecurity.

 

Why do you want to date him or otherwise get things back on track? Serious question. He speculated that he will be with X many *more* women after you... giving you a clear indication that he doesn't see you as having much long-term potential. Is that okay with you?

 

If it's any consolation, the 24 hour bug has been going around a LOT where I'm from - I'm laid up with it now. And if you two don't actually know each other that well, I wouldn't be surprised that he really really didn't want you to see him at his worst.

[maynicholas]

Weren't you freaked out that he was waiting for you at your place at three in the morning?? Did he say how long he'd been there?

 

Yeah, that is what I would be freaked out about too!

 

Unless you live w/in walking distance to a bunch of bars and he does too. In that case I would chalk it up to him being at a bar near by and stumbling to your place after last call and him figuring you would be stumbling home at the same time.

 

But what if you had someone with you in that case? Then what would have happened? Otherwise, that is just creepy if you want my opinion.

[SusanChess]

Ok, all the texts and calls just make me even more worried. He doesn't strike you as a stalker-type does he? I know just about everyone has more experience with these things than I do, but someone waiting for me like that or trying to contact me that much would make me nervous.

[D-Lish]

If it were someone else....I would be freaked out- but for some reason not with this guy. I don't know if that makes sense. He had a feeling I was being untruthful about going out- and he did text me first to say he was here. The problem was that I was just coming home. Also- he lives one block away....

 

We have just been really close, and his waiting for me didn't phase me. I have had others do that and been freaked out.

 

 

Weren't you freaked out that he was waiting for you at your place at three in the morning?? Did he say how long he'd been there?

 

[jerbear]

Yeah, a little over the top.... but, as you can see, to go from that behaviour to now ignoring me is very confusing.

 

I think that the fact that I lied to him about staying in Friday and cancelling the date turned him off.

 

The staying in and lying would turn most guys off it is as bad as 'washing my hair' excuse.

 

In the past I would have left the girl alone for a few days while I go back to my man cave to get over it. Sometimes a guy comes out and back; sometimes we dont.

 

Remember it is also near the holidays and new years for many people. Lots of business, family, and sometimes the stress just gets to someone. The stress and this time of year can cause people to act funny.

[Florida]

He had been waiting for me because he thought something was up when I cancelled that date. We did talk at length that night about what it would mean to have sex... and then it just simply happened.

 

He is prone to saying insensitive things... like always mentioning other girls are hot. I don't see him as a player- I just see him as a bit naive about things like that. In reality, I sense a lot of insecurity.

 

I left my phone at home once for 8 hours.... and when I got home he had text me 17 times and called me 3 times because he couldn't get a hold of me and he thought I was breaking up with him. Yeah, a little over the top.... but, as you can see, to go from that behaviour to now ignoring me is very confusing.

 

I think that the fact that I lied to him about staying in Friday and cancelling the date turned him off.

 

OMG he is so obviously trying to hurt you by saying jerky things because he feels you were rejecting him.

 

That intimacy was brought into it while he was feeling that stuff just adds too much confusion. I hope this wasn't some validation for himself, ideally it should happen out of good feelings.

 

Then again- "shoulds" rarely have any bearing on real relationships, there is usually the "well this happened-what now"

 

Can you just insist on talking to him and ask if he said that because he was hurt? Try to figure out why you both are hurting eachother, albeit accidentally.

[tanbark813]

I think that the fact that I lied to him about staying in Friday and cancelling the date turned him off.

 

I think you're right. Personally, that would be an instant dealbreaker for me given past experience.

 

But it is weird that he just showed up and waited. The calls and texts are also quite excessive (not that I had to point that out ).

[Florida]

I think you're right. Personally, that would be an instant dealbreaker for me given past experience.

 

But it is weird that he just showed up and waited. The calls and texts are also quite excessive (not that I had to point that out ).

 

TB being a guy do you think he was saying things to set her off-to get her back for lying to him? Do guys do that?

[tanbark813]

TB being a guy do you think he was saying things to set her off-to get her back for lying to him? Do guys do that?

 

If he seemed like the player type I would think it's more probable that he made the comment to get back at her, but waiting for her until 3am and all the calls and texts--plus D-Lish saying he seems naive about certain things--make me think he just stuck his foot in his mouth. A lot of times guys will just make comments without thinking about the implications and extrapolations that can be made of said statement.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

This is weird. Why would he be waiting for you at 3AM when yo come home?

 

And that night was your first night together intimately? After you told him you were trying to take it slow....then after you are lying in the bask of warm feelings, he brings up how many women he was with and how many he thinks he will be with?

 

WTF?? I would be pissed too, D-were you ready to be with him that night or did it just happen? Or did he kickstart it?

 

It just doesn't sound right how he was waiting for you so late, then starts acting like a jerk since then.

 

florida took the words right out of my mouth.

 

 

i don't think it matters what he was thinking, regardless of whether he thought something was up when you canceled your date, it's weird that he would wait for you at your house til 3am. you're just dating, you're not together, you're not married. you didn't even have sex at the point yet.

 

sometimes i think people forget that the dating period is sort of a test in which you take the time to see if the person is a good match, a good fit for a relationship. you don't owe anyone anything during the dating process other than an explanation if you want to stop dating them. if someone acts like this during the dating part, chances are, it would be best not to go any furthur.

[D-Lish]

I do think that it was wrong for me to lie about staying in.

We talked at length about that. I explained that I was freaked out by how fast we were moving. The day after that we spent time with one another and everything was great until he started getting sick.

 

There are a lot of kinks to work out- that's if the intent on his end is still there.

 

Honestly, I just think initially he was really taken with me- and that one incident just burst the bubble for him.

 

I really like him- and I feel so bad about not being honest with him.

So now it's me that wants to contact him and find out what's up... but I am restraining myself.

 

Anyone think it's possible to recover from this- or should I just let it go?

[Florida]

If he was so hurt, enough to pull away after that-why was he intimate with you right after?

 

I don't like that aspect, he *should* be making more of an effort, if he was okay enough to take it to the next level.

[D-Lish]

If he seemed like the player type I would think it's more probable that he made the comment to get back at her, but waiting for her until 3am and all the calls and texts--plus D-Lish saying he seems naive about certain things--make me think he just stuck his foot in his mouth. A lot of times guys will just make comments without thinking about the implications and extrapolations that can be made of said statement.

 

That's definitely the feeling I get from him- that he simply says things without thinking. When I confront him on these comments he seems confused- not justified.

 

I just want to take back some semblence of control here- I don't like feeling like I am now being the one getting ignored.

 

The waiting for me thing didn't seem weird because we live a block away and we live in a bar central neighbourhood. His excuse was that he just wanted to talk and find out what was up with me cancelling.

 

It's just

so

weird to go from having contact numerous times a day to being ignored. He's been

so

gung-ho...then he gets sick and I hear nothing from him. I am hanging back because I am giving him the benefit of the doubt for being sick... but I still think I would have heard from him by now regardless of how sick he is.

 

 

[tanbark813]

If he was so hurt, enough to pull away after that-why was he intimate with you right after?

 

Because they're not as intertwined for men as they are for women. I'm not saying that he necessarily decided he didn't want to pursue a relationship with her right then and there but even if he did he could have still wanted to have sex with her.

[D-Lish]

If he was

so

hurt, enough to pull away after that-why was he intimate with you right after?

 

I don't like that aspect, he *should* be making more of an effort, if he was okay enough to take it to the next level.

 

I agree that is was weird. We were intimate- then had the fight and I asked him to go.... but he came over the next day and we straightened things out and had a great day together, we were intimate again a couple times, then he started coming down with a bug and wanted to go home and I haven't heard from him besides two short msn messages where he said he was feeling like crap and would talk to me later.

 

 

[Mustang Sally]

Ok.

 

I gotta ask.

 

(Plus, I think this is an important point...)

 

How was the sex?

 

Good? Great? or not so much?

[D-Lish]

Ok.

 

I gotta ask.

 

(Plus, I think this is an important point...)

 

How was the sex?

 

Good? Great? or not

so

much?

 

Really good. We have great chemistry.

 

before he came down with the bug we were out shopping and at the video store and he was overly playful- picking me up in public and throwing me over his shoulder- play fighting with me, cuddling me on the couch.... then boom.... he got sick and wanted to go home and there's been very little contact.

 

I am really confused. I know that when guys get sick they can go into their cave. I am hoping that is all it is. But I am not going to contact him.

 

We discussed the sex afterward and he told me it really meant something to him. But who knows- maybe I did something unknowingly that turned him off.

 

He could just be really sick... but I have a sinking feeling it's something more than that. Maybe he had a chance to think and decided he didn't like the drama of the fight we had.

 

[tanbark813]

This is kind of a side track but if you guys live a block away, I don't get where the 45 minutes of driving him home comes into play.

 

??

[Mustang Sally]

Look, hon.

 

I'm an old gal, so take this with a salt block.

 

But here's the way I see it.

 

You've been yourself during this whole thing. Yeah, you freaked on him slightly, but you then explained yourself and tried to set it straight. Right?

 

It's ok to have a slight freak-out every now and again. Sometimes relationships even - hell, especially - when they are going well, feel scary. Just look at some of the recent threads here on LS....

 

If he's a worthwhile guy, he'll understand this. He screwed up too, with the insensitive comment. (I can't quite get that...but maybe he was hurting a bit because you had blown him off earlier in the evening? Sometimes it happens.)

 

If you still have chemistry, after you each have made (minor) mistakes, then it's probably all going to work itself out and he may, indeed, just be down with the flu.

 

Would it be appropriate to call and ask if he needs anything? You know, like tylenol, or chicken soup, or kleenex, or something? That wouldn't be terribly forward, but it might tell you a lot about his current state of mind.

 

Just some thoughts.

[oppath]

This is kind of a side track but if you guys live a block away, I don't get where the 45 minutes of driving him home comes into play.

 

??

 

You beat me to it!

 

D-lish, the way I see it, good relationships can survive quite a few small misunderstandings, even ones that occur during the supposedly perfect honeymoon. I've seen it happen -- not anything rough -- but small things, and they smooth out. That doesn't mean tolerate BS, it just means you haven't necessarily screwed anything up so don't take the brunt of blame.