retro85 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 My twin sister (we'll call her Sheila) is contemplating breaking off her engagement. She's been engaged for two years, and dated her fiancee for about 3 years before that. She was 18 when they started dating, and is now 24. For the last 2 months, she has been in an online relationship with a man overseas. She thinks she is in love with him (and says he's a great guy who's in love with her), and wants to get break off her engagement and says she wants to him to move to our hometown so they can live together. I love my sister (we're best friends), and although I can support her decision to leave her fiancee (they were having relationship problems before she met her online beau), I'm wary of this Internet guy. I don't know what to do. A little background: Sheila didn't date much in high school or for the first 2 years of college--she was well-liked and popular, but body images issues and overbearing parents discouraged her from dating. Then, she met her fiancee, who we'll call Jack. He was/is a wonderful guy. They fell in love, but Sheila had to move back home when I was finished with school, because my parents didn't trust her to live on her own (again, something I blame on myself). They moved in together, bought a house, and everything seemed great. Sheila and Jack have different, sometimes clashing, personalities. They're both very intelligent, but Sheila is a little more outgoing. Although Sheila is very sweet and kind (people usually take to her right away), she can be stubborn and a bit of a know-it-all. Jack is laid-back, and not easily offended. Sheila has problems outside the home: her new job has more than its share of headaches, and Sheila feels her work frustrations are spilling into her personal life. Recently, Sheila told me that their sex life is not fulfilling, and their social life is almost nonexistent; she likes to go out with her friends, and he with his, but they don't do a whole lot together anymore. Sheila now feels trapped--he's a great guy, our parents love him, they have a home together, pets, etc. But she now says she's too young for marriage, and that she wishes she had experienced more before getting married. She started chatting with someone online, and now it's all she can think about. I'm scared for her: this guy is younger than her (only a year, though), he doesn't have a job (though according to her, not for lack of trying), and he doesn't really speak English. I don't like to judge my sister. I love her, and respect her so much that I'm usually confident she's going to make the right decision. But I know she's not doing the right thing. I don't know if I should suggest couples counseling. An open relationship is not a possibility. Does it sound like there's a chance for Jack and Sheila to fix their relationship? Does my sister not deserve that chance?
Ronni_W Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I appreciate that you *feel* responsible for your sister's well-being but in reality you are not. She deserves you to trust her enough to make her own decisions...and her own mistakes, and to not send a message that you think you somehow know better than she does (even if you do have more dating/marriage experience.) No matter how well-intentioned you are - and I can see that you are - you cannot protect another grown-up from the *possible* negative consequences of their choices, even if that other grown-up is your twin sister. (It really remains to be seen if her breaking things off with Jack would, in fact, be a negative thing FOR HER.) Certainly, you could suggest counseling - perhaps individual? - from a place of wanting HER to be sure she's doing the right thing (rather than you're trying to stop her from doing what you consider would be a "wrong" thing.) At the end of the day, counseling, marriage, an internet affair, etc., are your sister's decisions to make. The best I can suggest is to just support as best you can, whatever she chooses for herself.
Summer_guy_uk Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Wow, I would mention to her fiance that your sister is looking for a little more adventure inside and outside of the bedroom. Also it's not fair that she's cheating on him with some online guy. Why is it always up to the man to sort things out with a relationship, your sister isn't a puppet so why doesn't she make some suggestions or TALK to the fiance about how she feels ina way he can relate to. He's so happy he's become complicant, he just needs to be reminded that's all. Tell this "Jack" about how your sister feels and that she's become attracted to a man online. If you have any respect for your sister or her fiance, you'll help them sort things out not skulk about in the shadows keeping secrets.
Ronni_W Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Wow, I would mention to her fiance that your sister is looking for a little more adventure inside and outside of the bedroom. Tell this "Jack" about how your sister feels and that she's become attracted to a man online. This is good advice if you're okay with the real chance of wrecking your relationship with your sister. For sure it's not a good situation for Jack, but the burden of the secret belongs to Sheila.
Summer_guy_uk Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 This is good advice if you're okay with the real chance of wrecking your relationship with your sister. For sure it's not a good situation for Jack, but the burden of the secret belongs to Sheila. Wrecking? From the female end of the relationship it's already over until she actually jumps ship. Telling "Jack" will at least get him to change his way and help him be a better man. If I was "Jack" and I loved this woman dearly, I would want to hear the truth in order to save the relationship.
Ronni_W Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Wrecking? From the female end of the relationship it's already over until she actually jumps ship. The original poster wrecking her relationship with her twin sister, I meant. There is only so much sibling interference that any sibling relationship can withstand -- OP needs to decide/know where that point is for her sister before she (OP) goes ahead and straightens Jack out about his soon-to-be-wife (OP's sister.)
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