Crestfallen_KH Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Ok, so I haven't been on a date with someone other than my husband (now, ex-husband) since the last century. Match.com didn't even exist when I was last out there, and the primary means of communicating with a date back then was the telephone. So, I need some advice as a dating noob. I have joined match.com and I want to be sure I understand the protocol around it and e-mails in general. Can anyone who has the vaguest clue (because, trust me, the vaguest clue will be more of a clue than what I have) take a few minutes to respond? If so, answer me these questions three: 1. Is a "wink" weak? So, say I'm interested in a guy and I "wink." Is that dumb? Or is it a good opener to show that you're interested, especially if he winks back? If he does wink back, and I initated the first wink, should I now follow up with an e-mail? (This is what I have been doing) 2. Should I initiate a date, or should I let him? I get it that coffee is a good thing to do so neither of us is stuck for two hours with someone who is incompatible, but if I'm ready to move beyond e-mail, I'm going to suggest a meetup with the nights I have free and suggestions for what we can do. Is that cool, or too "forward"? 3. Do e-mails have the same "rule" that phone calls do? I made the mistake of "winking" AND following up with an e-mail on the same night. Even though he responded 3 days later, that was a bad move, right? Also, if I send an e-mail, then I should wait for his response before sending another one, correct? (This is also what I have been doing as I think it looks desperate to do otherwise and would irritate me.) 4. Ok, so there are four questions. Shoot me. Ok, so say we want to set something up and I have Wednesday-Saturday free. Am I pathetic for suggesting that any night during that time works? Should I be writing "Hmmm, I seem to have Wednesday and Friday free..." even if I have more evenings free, and even if it turns out those nights don't work for him? I'd hate for him to respond and say "Oh, I only have Saturday free" and then I have to pretend I don't now because I didn't originally say I had it free! Yes, I'm sure I'm overanalyzing this crap. It's what I do. Any help?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Its all the same actual dateing dosen't change much I would think just the means in which we find said date! Once you get to the phone stage its exactly the same I would say. Other then maybe being on line allows women to make the 1st moves easer now adays. Yes if you see some one you like wink and if they wink back just go with it. Um just make sure you have a picture on the site Best of luck with it
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Also, one more question - Is it a bad idea to respond to date e-mails at work? Even if it's a slow day, does that look "bad" to a potential date? If anyone can help feed my neuroses, I'll give you a cookie (btw, I'm not this bad on the actual date)...
curiousnycgirl Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Simple answer to the last is that guys don't notice - so yes you can send a quick response during work. Another word of caution - something I learned during several years of meeting through Match - don't do drawn out email exchanges over weeks and months. You tend to build up an image of the guy based on too little data, and inevitably you'll be disappointed when you finally do meet. Best to exchange a few notes, and meet up in person for coffee or a drink. Good luck with it. I met my b/f on match 3.5 years ago - still going strong! (and btw we are not young uns - I'm 42 he's 51 - so it really does work).
D-Lish Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 If you send a wink to someone- wait for him to respond in kind. You don't want to come off as eager. A wink lets him know you are interested- if he winks back- then it is a green light to send a message. If you wink and he is interested, he will send you a message. Your initial emails should be light and not overly revealing. I don't do a lot of searching and sending messages- I wait for people to message me. I find most men like to do the pursuing- however the odd person has inspired me to reach out. Don't sweat it though- it's all a learning process. Make sure you see someone's pic and have exchanged some solid correspondence before you meet them- and don't talk too much about your past heartbreaks... that's a no-no! You can answer honestly to questions, but keep details a mystery initially. Meet in public places!
Krytie TV Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 1. Is a "wink" weak? Yes, very much so. If you're interested, at least send a short email. I have always ignored winks becaue to me it shows a lack of confidence. That, and non-members can wink... you don't want skimmers. 2. Should I initiate a date, or should I let him? Either one works. It's a different world. If you decide to initiate, don't list off the days you're available, but rather say something like "Let's meet for coffee sometime this week. Why don't you give me a couple of times that you're free and maybe we can agree on something". That way, you don't have to divulge how busy you are(n't) and it makes him do some of the work too. 3. Do e-mails have the same "rule" that phone calls do? I made the mistake of "winking" AND following up with an e-mail on the same night. Even though he responded 3 days later, that was a bad move, right? Also, if I send an e-mail, then I should wait for his response before sending another one, correct? Your instincts are correct, either wink (weak) or write. Never double email without a response. It has been my motto since email was invented to never send two emails without the first being responded to (at least by even a phone call), and it has served me well. 4. Ok, so there are four questions. Shoot me. Ok, so say we want to set something up and I have Wednesday-Saturday free. Am I pathetic for suggesting that any night during that time works? See answer #2. If you're proposing the event or get-together, lead him to pick the day. DO NOT list off all of the days you're available. If you need to suggest a time, trust your gut, but NEVER rattle off all of the nights you're free. It may not always be a big deal, but you should never let someone in that much into your personal life so early. Valid questions. Good luck!
Phateless Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Different medium, same process. Relax and trust your gut.
tanbark813 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I agree with KTV for the most part but if you're going to initiate the date you can also propose a specific day. That doesn't reveal anything about your availability and it gives him the chance to either agree or make a counter-offer with another day. Also, I would avoid using your work email. It's unlikely to make a difference in terms of what the guy will think but your company might be monitoring your email activity.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Thanks for the advice, guys! And no, I don't use my work e-mail at all. I use an anonymous account that only reveals my first name. My last name isn't common like "Smith" so I keep that private, at least initially.
Legend Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 1. Is a "wink" weak? So, say I'm interested in a guy and I "wink." Is that dumb? Or is it a good opener to show that you're interested, especially if he winks back? If he does wink back, and I initated the first wink, should I now follow up with an e-mail? (This is what I have been doing) I tried the online dating thing for a while. I never was really fond of the 'winking' system or nudges etc. I've always been a fan of direct communication, send a message. 2. Should I initiate a date, or should I let him? I get it that coffee is a good thing to do so neither of us is stuck for two hours with someone who is incompatible, but if I'm ready to move beyond e-mail, I'm going to suggest a meetup with the nights I have free and suggestions for what we can do. Is that cool, or too "forward"? I wouldn't go ahead right away and suggest that off the bat. Send some messages back and forth, see if he takes the next step, if after a week or two he hasn't, then I don't think it'd be too forward. I think guys like it when they're approached by girls, it doesn't happen often, you'd stand out. 3. Do e-mails have the same "rule" that phone calls do? I made the mistake of "winking" AND following up with an e-mail on the same night. Even though he responded 3 days later, that was a bad move, right? Also, if I send an e-mail, then I should wait for his response before sending another one, correct? (This is also what I have been doing as I think it looks desperate to do otherwise and would irritate me.) Definitely. I don't think you made a mistake per say by sending a wink and an e-mail. But If you send an e-mail, you should wait for a response. If you don't get one, then perhaps he's trying to hint at something. Another con of online dating, people get to hide behind screens and can cold shoulder much easier. 4. Ok, so there are four questions. Shoot me. Ok, so say we want to set something up and I have Wednesday-Saturday free. Am I pathetic for suggesting that any night during that time works? Should I be writing "Hmmm, I seem to have Wednesday and Friday free..." even if I have more evenings free, and even if it turns out those nights don't work for him? I'd hate for him to respond and say "Oh, I only have Saturday free" and then I have to pretend I don't now because I didn't originally say I had it free! That's really up to you, and how aloof you want to play it off. Saying you have 4 nights open might show that you have no social life. Maybe offer 2 different possibilities, with at least 3 days notice. Best of luck...
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