Whats going on?

[mancunian]

Sorry for the long post but I really need help.

 

I am a man confused about the reltionship I am in and would appreciate some opinions. Its a fairly long post but I am grateful if you take a minute to read it.

 

I am 39 and live in Manchester. My girlfriend is 23 and lives in London. We met at a party in London about 2-3 months ago.

 

I am a nice genuine guy who does not have casual sex and only really has serious relationships. I am fairly wealthy and my girlfriend is from Poland and is fairly poor. SHe works in a store in London which is frequented by very rich/ millionaire men.

 

I am an accountant and she wants to study accountancy.

 

FIRST DATE

 

A week after the party where we get on well I called her and invited her up to Manchester. She said yes which pleased me. I am aware of the need for females to be security aware but I do believe she checked with some people who know me to make sure I was ok before agreeing to come.

 

A few weeks later she came for 2 days to Manchester and we had a great time. We had separate bedrooms and there was no sexual activity other than holding hands.

 

When she left I missed her more than I would ever have thought. For some reason I was very very keen on her and I sent her an email to let her know she had surprisingly made such a big quick impression on me. I sent her a dozen red roses.

 

SECOND DATE

 

So a few weeks later after many texts and phone calls I arranged to visit her in London. She lives with a flatmate and so I booked a hotel for us both. It was a very expensive hotel. This may have been a mistake as maybe she thought I was trying to get her to sleep with me on the second date.

 

This was not the case. I was just simply trying to impress her and treat her to a fancy hotel with separate beds.

 

The first night in London was a bit of a disaster as she got completely drunk over dinner in the hotel and we had to abandon the rest of the evening. Like a true gentleman I put her to bed in her own bed and let her sleep and I did not take advantage of her.

 

It may have looked like I had got her drunk to sleep with her but this was not the case!

 

The next day when we went for a nice walk in the park and lunch out. I always pay for everything and we also dine at expensive places.

 

After lunch it was time for me to go home to Manchester and we kissed on the lips for the first time! It was then followed by a quick snog. This was great as I felt she liked me and previously I had only been able to give her a kiss on the cheek as she has always turned away when I tried to kiss her lips.

 

I went home happy after what was not a bad second date.

 

THIRD DATE

 

So the following week I went to London again and booked another nice hotel. However when I arrived in London she told me that she did not want to stay at the hotel with me that evening and preferred to go home alone to her own flat.

 

I was a bit upset as I had always insisted we would have seprate beds and I would not have booked such an expensive hotel if I was to stay on my own. I told her this and she did turn up with her overnight bag. This pleased me as it showed that she cared about my feelings and once i knew this I insisted that she did not stay at the hotel that evening as her happiness was most important to me.

 

We had a meal at a restaurant where she told me that she felt rushed and pressured by me in the realtionship. She said she was still getting used to the 16 year age gap and had only just split with her boyfriend of 10 months a few weeks before we had started dating.

 

It is true that my feelings have been extremely strong for her and that having dated dozens of women over the past few years (with no casual sex as I am a nice guy) I was delighted to find one (even though she lives miles away) that I felt so strongly for. I was falling in love with her.

 

I heard what she said in the restaurant and i thought it was a healthy exchange of thoughts and good communication. We then went to a nightclub and had a good time but both got very drunk. After the nightclub I walked her home and we enjoyed a very passionate snog. I then went to my hotel alone.

 

She does have a medical condition which costs some money which her mother has always paid for. A week or so earlier she had told me that her mother had refused to keeping paying her medical bills and would also not pay for her accountancy course. That night in the nightclub when we were both drunk I offered to pay for her medical treatment which she accepted and offered to show me the receipts for.

 

I cannot remember but I dont think she asked me to pay and ithat it was me who made the offer first. Eventaully her mother did agree to keep paying and so the issue dissapeared and I never gave her any money although I dont know how she will pay for her accountancy course. Her mother is quite poor and says she cannot afford it.

 

After a fairly constant exchange of texts and phonecalls over the next few weeks she arranged to come to Manchester again.

 

It should be noted that whilst I always reply to her texts within the hour there were times where she did not bother to reply to my texts form many hours and sometimes even up to 1 or 2 days. I always felt this was abit rude as it only takes 10 seconds to reply to a text and that she had often shown she could not be bothered to reply quickly or did not care. Maybe i was just crowding her?

 

We had discussed on several occasions about going on holiday togther and as a treat I booked us a 5 star hotel abroad (all paid for by me as usual) at the start of December.

 

I have constantly bought her small gifts and also an expensive coat. I have also written her a love letter and spent many many hours on to accountancy colleges in Lodon to help try and organise an accountancy course for her next year.

 

I have had very little gestures in return. I am not on about expensive presents but just small gestures like thank you notes/ emails/ silly little cudddly toys that girls buy blokes etc

 

FOURTH DATE

 

She came to Manchester again and we had quite a good time although she did get a bit tipsy. As usual we shared separate beds and I was the perfect gentleman.

 

She told me that she woulod not come to Manchester until next summer (we had half joked abut her studying accountancy in Manchester rather than London). I thought this was fine and the sensible thing to do. She also seemed to be asking me whther I loved her although I was not sure whether she was asking or not.

 

THe following day she felt ill and only spoke about 10 words to me all day!

 

HOLIDAY TOGETHER

 

We then went on holiday last week for a week and I thought at long last we would get some quality time together and really get to know each other. She has never really opened her heart to me and has pretty much completely refused to discuss her previous boyfriends with me so I have been in the dark and in many ways she has been a stranger to me.

 

In summary I felt the holidays was completely frustrating and almost a waste of time. She never really opened up to me and we barely even had a snog.

 

I am not desparate for sex but I would like her to try and hold my hand occasionally or giving me a loving caring touch or some warmth and affection. I barely got anything. I felt like crying a lot of the time as I was aching to get close to her as I had fallen in love with her.

 

After a few days I bought her a beautiful necklace and perfume and she was delighted and gave me probably what was the only warm embrace of the holiday.

 

It was big thing for me to go on a plane as I am scared of flying and had not flown for 8 years and she knew how scared I was but I did it for her.

 

Every day from 10 am until 4pm she would eat breakfast and sunbath without barely saying a word to me despite my contstant efforts to strike up conversation. It was really only from 7.30pm uintil 9.30pm each evening when she had had quite a few drinks that she started to talk quite freely.

 

Howver she would dive off to bed most nights by 10pm latest! I felt she was almost avoiding me either by not having to have a true conversation about or relationship or maybe avoiding a sexual situation or both!

 

I became more and more frustrated and it spilled over into some small minor rows. I told her I had fallen in love with her which did not get a good reaction as she said how can you love me when you dont know me? I clarified this by saying that I was falling in love with her and that it was growing month by month.

 

She said that she did not completely trust me and the purpose of this holiday was to see if she could trust me.

 

SUMMARY

 

I am a 100% nice genuine guy and I am sure she knows this else she would not have some on holiday with me! To most people going abroad on holiday with a girlfriend is quite a serious relationship.

 

We have still not slept together and she has still kept a great distance from me emotionallty whereas I have opened my heart to her.

 

I suspect that I may be being used for my generosity and assistance in helping her with her accountancy career.

 

Maybe I am expecting too much from the realtionship too soon?

 

I dont know whther I need to be more patient or end the realtionship? I do love her as there are things about her I like and respect but I dont think she feels the same way.

 

Maybe she has not got over her ex who I think two timed her and treated her badly.

 

She also mentioned that for two weeks prior to the holiday she had been having nightmares almost evry night and that she was getting sexually pestered by a married man at work. This has happneded to her before in another job and she eventually left although I dont know the full story.

 

I would appreciate female opinions please as I am either get had on and strung along or I have got a very complicated girlfriend.

 

I have never treated a girl so well in 2-3 months and received so little back in terms of affection.

[mancunian]

Any feedback would be appreciated

[Elyssa]

I read the entire post and all I got was the strong impression that she's stringing you along and letting you treat her to expensive hotels and gifts even though she's not interested in you.

 

You really sound like a nice guy and I'm sure your intentions are honorable, however I would suggest for now that you stop flaunting your money or trying to impress her with it. Doing all this for her when she has shown no signs of being interested in a real relationship is only going to promote her using you.

 

You've done a lot to woo her and it's time she does something to show interest if you are going to pursue her further. First step is to absolutely stop spending money on her frivolously. If she says she wants to see you, it is fine to spend money to help her travel, but no expensive hotel (no more than 3 stars if you must get a room for her, or you can also invite her to your home) and certainly no extravagant gifts.

 

For now, make yourself scarce and stop contacting her constantly. Let her feel the lack of your presence so she misses you. If she's interested, she will contact you and might become a little more invested in your budding relationship. Right now, she's just taking you for granted. You're all over her and she knows it, why bother doing anything to keep you around?

 

If this doesn't work and she lets the relationship die away with the distance, she simply wasn't interested in you or she was after the money so when you cut her off, she had no reason to keep contact with you.

 

Let us know how things go!

 

-E

[mancunian]

Thanks for the reply I really am grateful.

 

You are right and I will follow your advice.

 

However its very hard to not contact her when I think about her 24/7.

 

Another woman is the obvious solution but I am always faithful and so I dont want to spoil it with infidelity.

[Cabbage Patch]

I think it sounbds as if she wasnt ready for so much so soon. See you probably think your doing it because your a nice guy but by her staying at her own house says to me that she wasnt ready for hotels etc.

 

One of my ex's was like that and I adored him at the start but then he just started with the lavish gifts and planning holidays etc. We had only been together for about 2 months and it was way too much too soon! There still needs to be a chase and by the sounds of it you fell for this girl and she started to work it out. I dont think she was taking advantage of you but she obviously liked you from the start and may have wanted to see where it went.

 

Just be you and even if you do want to make her feel special just sit back and if she does like you, she'll like you for you and not what you buy her etc. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes too nice too soon isnt what we are after let her do some of the work.

[D-Lish]

It smells fishy.

 

Perhaps you are intoxicated by her beauty- and not her personality?

She doesn't sound as if she is giving you anywhere near as much as you are giving her.... and I am talking strictly of emotional exchange to begin with.

 

You can't buy her love- although she seems willing enough to take from you. I am sorry- but it seems as if she is using you for your money and gifts.

 

It's not that I think she should be shagging you at this point. But she doesn't even seem to be giving you any respect. She is taking- and then being standoffish.

 

Cut her loose- please.

[gfto]

I am a man confused about the reltionship I am in

Any time a man is "confused" about a woman, that's his gut trying to tell him she's not interested. Don't waste anymore time with her.

[Prodigal Princess]

mancunian, I think you know exactly what is going on here, but you want to keep wearing your rose coloured glasses. This girl is not interested in you; she's a gold digger. I suspect you've known this all along, but hoped that she would be charmed by you and eventually want a real relationship.

 

Its' been long enough now to know that that is not going to happen. She is making a fool of you. Start no contact today, and don't look back. I know how hard it will be, and wish you the best of luck.

[serial muse]

It may well be that she's a golddigger - but she said something very honest to you, which is precisely what I was wondering - how on Earth can you say you fell in love with someone you don't know??

 

I realize that you're very concerned with being a gentleman, and that you've been more than generous with her, financially speaking. But while I don't think she should have accepted all these things from you, the amount of effort you put into impressing her with money and hotels and trips and things that have nothing to do with two people getting to know each other also feels a little...off.

 

What I'm saying is, you lavished a total stranger with a lot of luxury, which is generous but a bit overbearing - but you really had no idea before you did that whether she'd be into you. So, you took a chance because you felt strong feelings (didn't matter much if she did, at that point) and then it turns out she doesn't, so much. Does that make her a golddigger? It doesn't sound like she had much choice, when it comes to the type of dates you wanted to go on with her. That's how you wanted it to be, and you weren't happy when she tried to alter the plan, either; you basically guilted her into saying she'd stay at a hotel with you. On the third date! When she'd already expressed discomfort!! Golddigger? Huh. I thought that was a bit controlling on your part, and it made me uncomfortable.

 

I don't know...I'm not intending to be all harsh on you, but IMO you came on wayyyy too strong and ultimately it made her uncomfortable. For example: you saw it as very serious and she didn't, so you're upset that she's accepting your gifts. Well, as I said, IMO she shouldn't have accepted anything, up to and including staying at hotels with you (that's the part where I might have said, "thanks but goodbye.") And I also realize that perhaps you wouldn't have invested so much money in someone if you weren't "falling in love" (again: too soon!!!).

 

But, think about it this way: how is she to know anything about what you normally do on dates?? You guys don't even know each other! As far as she was aware, this is what you do, when you want to "get to know" someone. You made it clear that that's how you want it. Is it really all on her that she agreed to try it out your way, and then decided she wasn't that into it after all?

 

Again I ask: how can you think you're falling for someone that you yourself admit won't open up to you and about whom you know next to nothing? She sounds like she was pretty much lukewarm the whole time, but instead of backing off and taking stock, you ramped it up even further.

 

I'm sure your intentions were basically good, but the "controlling" bell is clanging here; I think you could pay closer attention to what the other person wants, too (not just what you want them to want). It's not just a matter of what you want from a date, or how you want it to go. Maybe she let it go on too long before putting a stop to it, but...a little self-examination about what went wrong here would also be in order, I think.

[Jilly Bean]

Yes, she's using you. But please take this gently, as it isn't meant as a total slam at all, but you off kinda creepy to me. Generally when someone *insists* he's a nice guy over and over, he probably isn't. I think you tried to buy her affections, and thought you could because she was "poor" and so young, and came on way too strong with it all, and it probably turned her off and that's why she decided to use you for what you have instead. Perhaps she was once genuinely interested, perhaps not. But I can tell you that currently, she is not.

 

Don't get me wrong, hon. I LOVE wealthy men. And I love a guy who is willing to break open the wallet. WHEN APPROPRIATE. And when it is thrown at me so quickly as you did with her, it is a smoke-screen to me and makes me not only suspicious, it's a huge turn-off. There's a difference between taking a woman to a nice dinner, and booking the Ritz with "separate beds". If you did that with me, I would feel that you thought you could buy me because I was naive and should feel thankful. Pfft.

 

Sidebar - years ago, I met a guy in an airport. We did not live in the same state. However, he was insistent on dating me. What this meant, was two times a week, he would fly to my city. He would book himself a hotel room, rent his own car, and we would have a proper date, in which initially, I would drive myself to meet him. Could he afford to fly me to his town? Of course! Could he afford to send a driver to pick me up and take me to the restaurant? Hell yes! But he had enough class to NOT throw the cash around. It's tacky. We had some lovely dinner dates in some wonderful 5-star restaurants, however, we were just as content to go drink beers and eat wings in a bar.

 

Watch what you put on your line when you go fishing, because I think you see now what your bait reeled in.

[Green]

look maybe its cause your in england. but I would have jumped this girl by now... literaly I would have jumped on top of her... why havnt you tried just throwing her down on the bed and having your way would her, I mean I bet you shed go for it if she keeps coming back and stuff. Just knock on her door and start making out heavy and feeling her up and stuff and then take her... you can do it... remember this is like the 6th date ... I would have done this by the first

[mancunian]

Thank you for the replies I am grateful.

 

I honestly think that this girl may have some insecurities and trust issues which will take a long time to come out into the open.

 

I will now stop spending lots of money on her and wait to see how she behaves.

 

For the doubters out there my feelings are 100% genuine and I am a very generous man who looks after relatives and friends.

 

I have fallen in love before quickly but rarely and it has lasted years. Of course she has good points else I would not have fallen for her.

 

Thanks again and I will keep you posted.

[Green]

I told you to go spiderman on her

[Elyssa]

I will now stop spending lots of money on her and wait to see how she behaves.

 

Once we rule out the possibility of her being a gold-digger, it will be much easier to formulate a plan of attack.

 

-E

[Jilly Bean]

Once we rule out the possibility of her being a gold-digger, it will be much easier to formulate a plan of attack.

 

-E

 

LOL. Any woman who produces medical bills and receipts during the first few dates and claims she can no longer pay for her "treatments", is most definitely a gold digger. I thought this was already a given...

[Elyssa]

LOL. Any woman who produces medical bills and receipts during the first few dates and claims she can no longer pay for her "treatments", is most definitely a gold digger. I thought this was already a given...

 

I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt It seems a rather extreme instance (health issue) and she might just have been that desperate. After all, she took no actual money when she found an alternative.

 

-E