StrongBad Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Well everybody I appreciate you reading this post and would further appreciate any input you can provide regarding my current situation of romantic hardship.I was dating a girl for about 1.5 months and we both seemed to be very into each other. I'm 25 and somewhat mature in my relationship experience so I kept a guard on my heart and made sure I didn't fall too fast for her and played it pretty cool despite showing my obvious affections. Despite this strategy (which I stuck with) I always had a feeling from how we interacted with one another and how infatuated she seemed with me that what we shared had enormous potential to have a successful long term relationship. Eventually we had "the talk" of exclusivity which was initiated by her and she became my girlfriend. This unfortunately is when things started to go awry. Prior to meeting meeting me she dated a guy for a year. By all accounts of her female friends he was a jerk who treated her poorly and broke up with her six months ago. They haven't really spoken since and she expressed to me that she was over him. Well apparently this guy had heard through the grapevine that she was in a happy relationship with me so he decided to contact her via phone and re-enter the picture. Fast forward to a few days later when she sadly admits to me that this new contact has produced some latent feelings for the guy that she thought were gone. As a result, she claims that she's confused and essentially breaks up with me saying its not fair to have feelings for both me and him. She did express that she did have real stong feelings for me though and that now she's just very confused. I think altogether we were officially a couple for barely 2 weeks. Now I'm no idiot. I know that the probability of her exploring the option or reconciling with her ex (if she hasn't already) is sky high. Furthermore, I know this guy is a jerk and that if she gets back with him she'll be treated poorly and that eventually it will end. I'm surprised at how dissapointed and hurt I was about the breakup despite that fact that we only dated for barely 2 months. I feel that she's just repeating poor behavior in a way that is not unlike an addiction to a chaotic relationship. So my question boils down to this. My initial plan was to go no contact and leave the ball in her court should she ever regret her decision. I stayed strong during her breaking up with me and essentially said "Ok, fine. This sucks but I don't want to be with someone that has feelings for someone else.".Now I'm wondering if I should at least write her an email conveying to her that I was fully into our potential and thought that we'd work really well together. I also wondered if it would be wise to call her out on the fact that she doesn't really like this guy but rather is addicted to the chaos a relationship with him would provide. What do you think? Let her go or plead my case stating that I'd be better for her in so many ways? Thanks again everybody.
Author StrongBad Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I tried to properly format but I guess I am not doing it correctly. Sorry again.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I can see she's obviously confused. She was with the guy a year? Well she probably got used to having him in the picture. And now suddenly he wants to be in her life again because "I didn't want you but now some one else does? I can't have that." That's just my opinion though. I think you expressing your feelings for her will make it a battle between the two of you. You and the guy that is. I think she thought she was over him, and suddenly she feels this old passion surfacing. If you feel the need to warn her that she may be in for getting hurt by this guy again, or you want to make her aware of her self-destructive cycle with this guy (she knows but in the midst of him doesn't realize it) then remember this. You can't tell her with the intention of winning her back. It has to be a friendship level. You can try and help her, but expect nothing in return basically. The other problem is that if you approach her and tell her he's kind of a jerk, she may think you're just saying that because you want her back for yourself. It could put her on the defensive. These are all just things to think about. I don't believe it wise to profess your feelings for her, or your feelings about her ex. I think you should step out of this entire drama and focus on you.
Harpe Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I agree with what ElvenPriestess has said. You two were only going out for a month and a half, and only for two weeks exclusively. What kind of relationship can you have with this girl if you 'win' her back? She broke up with you when you were supposed to be in the 'infatuation' stage of your relationship. You have done right thus far by being mature and accepting her decision, by not accepting a lesser relationship with this girl. Do not blow it now by putting yourself in a place of submission, by trying to PROVE yourself to her, to prove your relationship potential. She feels how she feels, and no amount of words (or sappy romantic ovetures) will get her back. You must look at it like SHE lost out on YOU, and all the great things you had to offer her. If she is with this jerk it because he exhibits masculine traits and she is attracted to that (unless she has some deeper issues and gets off on abuse or whatever). Doing anything other than NC, than moving on and dating other girls is not a mature and masculine thing. You would be contacting her out of neediness, and she would pick up on that. If you talk to her again, DO NOT talk to her about her ex. Listen to what ElvenPriestess has said. Now, IF she contacts you again and wants to 'start over,' or for you two to somehow reconcile, my advice would be to tell her that you have moved on (because you will have been dating other women, right?), and that you two can just be friends. If you will not do that, then at least make her WORK for you. Make her PROVE HERSELF to you. Make her put in the effort, make HER show YOU what it is she has to offer this time...If you don't and you just automatically jump into another 'exclusive' relationship with her, after SHE dumped YOU, she will LOSE respect for you, and the relationship will be rather short I am sure. Have respect for yourself, show her that you have respect for yourself, and she will respect you and feel even more attracted to you. Remember, never settle for second best, especially in a relationship. It sounds like you are the type of guy who knows his own value, so don't let this woman's behavior make you forget that. Put your EGO aside and accept that you cannot control everything, accept that she feels more strongly for this other guy than for you. It's tough, but it must be done for your own sanity. The feelings you have with this girl, you will have with another. You know that I am sure.
Author StrongBad Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 I agree with what ElvenPriestess has said. You two were only going out for a month and a half, and only for two weeks exclusively. What kind of relationship can you have with this girl if you 'win' her back? She broke up with you when you were supposed to be in the 'infatuation' stage of your relationship. You have done right thus far by being mature and accepting her decision, by not accepting a lesser relationship with this girl. Do not blow it now by putting yourself in a place of submission, by trying to PROVE yourself to her, to prove your relationship potential. She feels how she feels, and no amount of words (or sappy romantic ovetures) will get her back. You must look at it like SHE lost out on YOU, and all the great things you had to offer her. If she is with this jerk it because he exhibits masculine traits and she is attracted to that (unless she has some deeper issues and gets off on abuse or whatever). Doing anything other than NC, than moving on and dating other girls is not a mature and masculine thing. You would be contacting her out of neediness, and she would pick up on that. If you talk to her again, DO NOT talk to her about her ex. Listen to what ElvenPriestess has said. Now, IF she contacts you again and wants to 'start over,' or for you two to somehow reconcile, my advice would be to tell her that you have moved on (because you will have been dating other women, right?), and that you two can just be friends. If you will not do that, then at least make her WORK for you. Make her PROVE HERSELF to you. Make her put in the effort, make HER show YOU what it is she has to offer this time...If you don't and you just automatically jump into another 'exclusive' relationship with her, after SHE dumped YOU, she will LOSE respect for you, and the relationship will be rather short I am sure. Have respect for yourself, show her that you have respect for yourself, and she will respect you and feel even more attracted to you. Remember, never settle for second best, especially in a relationship. It sounds like you are the type of guy who knows his own value, so don't let this woman's behavior make you forget that. Put your EGO aside and accept that you cannot control everything, accept that she feels more strongly for this other guy than for you. It's tough, but it must be done for your own sanity. The feelings you have with this girl, you will have with another. You know that I am sure. Both of you have very good points and echoed my original reaction. I guess I was just overanalyzing things too much and thought that if I exerted some effort things may be different. I was feeling pretty crappy about everything the past few days but today has been much better to my pleasure. I think what bugs me most about the situation is not that she's no longer in my life but rather that I lost out to some other dude. It's just the competitive streak within me I guess...
Zona76 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 MY personal opinion? If she wants you to hang around *just in case* NO! Whats to prevent her from doing this again? And if he's the jerk we think he is he'll do it again. You are being treated the same way she's being treated. Let her know you're willing to stay but if she leaves then you're not going to be anyones door mat. And as for formating, I can't get that either. I can only do bold italic and underline
gfto Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Now I'm wondering if I should at least write her an email conveying to her that I was fully into our potential and thought that we'd work really well together. I also wondered if it would be wise to call her out on the fact that she doesn't really like this guy but rather is addicted to the chaos a relationship with him would provide. What do you think? No. New girlfriend.
D-Lish Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Not worth your time to send an e-mail. She has made her choice- and even if she came back to you, could you accept that she left you for her ex?? I would just cut her loose and keep the e-mail to yourself. She doesn't deserve your words.
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