CL737 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Hello all. I've been going through the posts here recently, and was hoping for a little input, it seems a lot of you have a great deal to offer in the way of advice. After almost four years and a child together, my (now) ex decided to move on. I won't get into detail as I posted my account some time ago. Since I posted that, she and I have talked almost everyday and hung out a few times with our son. The problem is that most of these times the relationship gets brought up and arguments ensue. It's the typical stuff, that I'm not going to change, we have to move on, and we can't be together right now, although she says she still sees some type of future for us. Since our break-up two months ago, I have started to go to counseling, I stopped going out drinking and playing cards all the time (this was a big sticking point, understandably, that I was doing to be with friends and suppress my depression over our first break up), started renting a new house, and have completely excelled at every other aspect of my life. Everything else is completely great except the relationship with her, and that makes everything else feel hollow and joyless as I can't share it with the woman I love. Immediately after the break-up, she started seeing someone else, which has felt to me that she is only with him as he told her what she wanted to hear and showed her affection and attention after our break up. Last Monday night, she told me she wished she hadn't gotten into that relationship and wished she could work on our problems and let me prove to her I've changed the bad parts about myself, as she has seen some of those changes already, but also didn't want to hurt the new guy. Then on Wednesday, she said she couldn't meet up with me anymore, that she's been driving herself crazy going back and forth with the decision, and can't do it anymore. Then she told me that after less than two months she's happier with the new guy than she ever was with me in four years. This was crushing to me. So now I've decided to stop fighting for it. I have opted to go with no contact, except with things involving our child. I just feel it's a losing battle I'm fighting and have to let go of the situation, even though I still love her with all my heart. It's just extremely difficult during the holidays, realizing for the first time in years we won't be waking up together on Christmas morning. I really just don't know what she's feeling with the mixed messages over the last few weeks. If anyone has any advice on coping, moving on, etc. it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Harpe Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I am going to comment on a few things you have said in your post. I am sure that you recognize these things, and that it hurts, but if you have any respect for yourself you will stop allowing this woman to mess with your emotions. Immediately after the break-up, she started seeing someone else. She was probably lining this guy up for a while before you two actually split up. Branch swinging...never letting go of one relationship until you are sure you have another one lined up. A LOT of women do this, as do some men. They are not strong enough to be on their own. It happens to a lot of people, don't beat yourself up about it. Last Monday night, she told me she wished she hadn't gotten into that relationship and wished she could work on our problems If she truly felt that she actually WOULD be working on the problems with you. She was keeping your hopes up, dangling a string in front of you with no intention of letting you grab it. Whether it was just in case things didn't work out with the other guy, or she just gets off on having power over you or emotional validation from you, who knows... and let me prove to her I've changed the bad parts about myself I'm all for self improvement....but working to prove yourself to a woman reeks of desparation and neediness....not attractive qualities....not qualities of a mature and masculine man, and not a position any man should put himself in. It seems to me that her respect for you is very low, and the more you try and prove yourself to her, the worse it gets...make the changes for yourself (as you seem to be doing), not for her. She kept you on the backburner while she pursued this other relationhip because she knew that you would be there for her...she knew that she could get you back at the snap of her fingers...you were too available (I'm assuming), too easy. If she saw that you were improving yourself and working on your issues (for yourself not her! and only through your actions, not by you telling her), and she was truly afraid of losing you, things would be different. But seeing as she broke up with you in the first place, things probably went too far already, you were past the point of no return. After that point, no amount of work you put into a relationship (and relationship SHOULDN'T have to be so much damn work! Good relationships aren't!) would have changed things. Then she told me that after less than two months she's happier with the new guy than she ever was with me in four years She is trying to hurt you. Women and men who do this are not emotionally mature people...they are like children themselves...again, she gets off on playing with your emotions! That she is acting so calously towards you shows that she has issues of her own. Do you want a woman like this? Was everything else in your relationship so wonderful that you are willing to overlook this? So now I've decided to stop fighting for it. Good for you! But what on earth are you fighting for? A woman who has no respect for you and who treats you like dirt? Do you have no respect for yourself? Love is all well and good, but not when it comes from a position of neediness and desparation. That is not love. Love is a two way street, and involves many other things, the paramount factor being RESPECT. Love and respect go hand in hand, real love cannot exist without it...And you must have respect in yourself first before a woman can respect and love you. I really just don't know what she's feeling Right now, as hard as it is, this should NOT be on your mind. You NEED to sort out your own feelings first. What is on her mind should not matter! Only what is in your mind. Force yourself to think about other things. Whenever she comes into your head, force her out, and put other more pleasant things in her place. Focus on other parts of your life. THROW yourself into the other parts of your life. Look at this as an opportunity to grow. Getting over someone (and I hope you realize that this is your only option if you are going to retain your dignity and sanity) takes time (annoyingly enough). Limiting your contact with her to only dealings with your son is a must. Things are too close, your emotions too strong (and I don't mean love), for you to think (and feel) rationally. If you have been reading these boards you know what people do to get over relationships; just read and DO.
Author CL737 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Thanks for the reply Harpe. It's amazing how you hit the nail right on the head with most of your comments, particularly about branch swinging and her need for emotional validation. You are one hundred percent correct that I need to move on and improve myself for myself. Who needs someone that constantly makes you feel like garbage and gives you nothing in return but head games? At this point I just want to move on and have a better, happier life and just be done with it. I think I was fooling myself because she is the mother of my son and with the holidays coming up. Thanks for the advice, it's very useful and eye-opening.
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