His cheating is wrecking our family

[darkabyss]

Wow, I never thought I would ever post anything about this. I guess I am doing this bc everyone we know thinks we are the perfect family, so I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I have been with my H for 11yrs. He used to smoke weed a lot. I guess it didn't really bother me much even though it is illegal. I just made sure he didn't do it in front of the kids. He had a good job and was a great guy, otherwise. He treats my children (now teenagers) just the same as he treats our children that we have together...he is a good father. was. iono. is. hell. iono if he is or not now. but he was. about 8yrs ago he lost his job bc he had part of a joint in the ashtray of the company truck and got pulled over. We went to court and he was given a very light sentence and the judge made it clear that he gave him the light sentence bc of him being a family man. I was pregnant at the time too. I stood by him. After his couple day stint in jail, I went to pick him up. He cried to me and the kids and swore never to smoke weed again. He found another job, but he started sneaking around with his friends smoking weed and lying about it even when it was obvious that he was stoned. We moved out of state. He did good for a few months until he got to know people at his job. He found out who smoked weed and it all started again. We would argue, he would promise to quit, I would find weed or rolling papers, we would argue, he would promise to quit...you get the picture. I threatened to leave him as well. We were best friends for years before we ever linked romantically. It wasn't easy to think of leaving him. ya know? I knew as long as I only threatened, he wouldnt stop. He left that job and got a very good job. He was so happy because our needs were not an issue, our wants were barely an issue, and we were happy. I was able to start my own business from home bc he made such good money. He never went anywhere but work. He didnt hang out with friends, he was a family man. I thought things were good. 2years ago, he had a minor accident at work. per company policy, they drug tested him, he kept telling me that he was so relieved that the drug test wouldnt be an issue for once. yeah right. he was fired for a dirty test. He tried to lie to me but I found the paper work. Once again, he cried and begged for my forgiveness. I told him i felt that he was cheating on me with "MaryJane" aka weed. MaryJane made him lie, made him sneak around, and put his family life in jeopardy. I was so tired of Mary Jane causing issues in our lives. I read his union booklet and found out that the company couldnt fire him, they had to offer him probation and he would have to attend n.a. classes. He pointed this out to the company and they gave him a second chance. He griped about N.A. saying he wasnt a coke head or a meth addict, he just smoked weed. I was so frustrated. He finally started saying that he was really done with weed. He would talk about how happy he was about ending that part of his life. How nice it was that we didn't argue anymore. I really believed him. His 2yr probation was up in January 2007, I was so worried that he would start smoking again once the companies threat of random drug tests was out of the way. he swore it was over. he was weed free and didnt even have the desire to smoke it anymore. I guess i believed him about 80 percent. A few mornings when he came home from work, he seemed high but he always said he was just exhausted. One morning he came home and went straight to the bathtub instead of waking me up to tell me he was home. I heard the water running and saw the time and asked him why he was so late getting home. he said he stopped to buy donuts for the kids. he seemed kinda odd acting, i asked him if he was okay. he said yeah, just tired and dirty. he closed the bathroom door, took a bath, came to bed, turned his back. i said are you okay? he said yeah, fine, 'night.

In April, I was being tested for cancer. I was very sick and nobody could figure out why. He acted distant. I talked to him and asked him if it was because he was afraid of losing me. he said yes and...but he never finished the sentence and wouldnt even when i tried to coax it out of him. I found out that it wasn't cancer, i was elated. He hugged me but seemed distant still. I shrugged it off. One day, I told him about a coach telling me that our family was "enviable" bc all of our kids are smart, nice looking, and great athletes and kind people that show respect. He repeated the words, "enviable, hmph." i asked him what that was supposed to mean. he said it meant nothing.

In may, i was going through his pockets so i could do laundry. i found a folded piece of paper. i assumed it was a grocery list or something. i started to throw it away, but something told me not to. i walked into the dining room, opened it and saw the most nasty, revolting note from some ho. she talked about how she waited by our car during his lunch hour and he never showed up. she was angry because he had promised her some great sex. she talked about how she couldnt wait to get her own place so she could F@@@ whenever she wanted to. she demanded that he call her the next morning or else. i read it and felt dizzy. i actually fainted. my sons said they ran in and my older son read it, went to my room and beat his step dad, my next to oldest son read it once i came to and ran in the bedroom. i got up and ran in to see my sons pounding him. they were crying. i told them to stop. H was angry and yelling. I held out the letter. i asked him if he had been cheating. yeah, i knew the answer but i had to hear it from him. he put his hands over his face and said yes. i screamed something. he got up and tried to hold me but i didnt want him to touch me. i was hysterical. he knew what i had been thru in my previous marriage yet he was doing it too! he got on the phone and called her, he left a message saying that she was nothing but a ho and he regretted it all and never wanted to hear from her again. i yelled something in the background about messing with married men could get her killed.

maybe i am twisted, iono, but i wanted every single detail. every teeny tiny fragment of the whole thing. he kept saying that i didnt want to hear it, i said my imagination would probably be a lot worse than the truth, so he told me.

he had gone to the grocery store to buy my daughter and me some fruit for a fruit salad b4 work, he noticed HER staring at him. he guesses it flattered him or maybe it was midlife crisis hitting. she talked about the nice fruit, he talked back. she handed him her number, he told her he was married with kids. she said so. he said he saw a green light. he told her he couldnt call until about 5am she said so call me anytime. another green light. he came home with the fruit, kissed me and kids bye and headed to work. he had all night to think about it, but called her and went over to her friends apartment and had sex with her. i asked if that was the day he was late bc of "donuts" he nodded yes. he was off work for the next 3 days and that was the weekend he took us out of town to shop and just gave into every whim and everything me and th ekids wanted to buy. (guilt). he went back to work, called her at 5am and went BACK! so much for guilt. she wanted to spend mothers day with him too, he said no but felt bad so he told her to meet him at work a few days after that. thats when she left the note. he says he intentionally didnt go out to the car for lunch that night. but another conversation had him saying that he forgot the "date". i tend to think he forgot. I asked her if she was pretty, he said omg no. i didnt believe him. he described her as very skinny no boobs (he's a boob man) and weird. he said she was older looking and just really dumb acting. i asked him why he would risk his family and me on that then. he always says he was stupid. i wanted to see her. i hated going anyplace bc i knew she would know who i was if she saw me with him, and he would know who she was but i wouldnt know her if she was in front of me in a checkout line. hell, i probably would have been nice to her! he would never let me see her, he said my beef was with him, not her. true to a point, but i had a beef with any ho that knows a man is married and still says okay. i stayed in bed for 2 weeks barely doing anything but crying. he was my best friend, now i felt alone.

i went thru this crazy thing. one minute i had to have him near me, i wanted sex, the next i threw up if he touched me, i would cry, i screamed, i sat silently, it was awful. he kept saying it had nothing to do with me, it had EVERYTHING to do with me! it was my life! finally anger hit, i hated him. i think i tell him that about 10x per day. still.

i did some research and found out where she lived and more. she is a drug addict (meth) she has been in and out of mental institutions, she prostitutes for a hotel room to sleep in when her room mate throws her out, apparently she has a thing for married men (she was trying to sleep with a friend of mine's man AND slept with a married man and broke up their marriage at the same time she was with my man.) on top of it all, she has hepC. i freaked out. he swears he used a condom, i dont really believe that bc he hates them.

i asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me...anymore secrets. i told him weh ad to clear the air if we were going to try to work thru it. he swore that there was nothing else. he began taking the cell phone with him to work so i could call hiim anytime i felt bad, usually in the middle of the night. he rode to work with a friend of ours to show me that he wouldnt stop at her place again. he was trying for a bit...and the deal was that he didnt go anywhere without one of the kids or me for awhile until i felt okay..that lasted a month.

he swore to make it up to me. at first, i guess he tried. but he slipped back into the normal day to day just taking me for granted and not really trying.

a few months later, he was suspended for 3 days from work bc of a safety violation, pending a drug test. i asked him again if there was any chance that it woudl come back dirty. he swore it wouldnt. his job called and told me to ask him to come to the office. that didnt sound good so i rode with him to his job asking him all the way there if he passed his drug test. he got furious at me for asking and still swore it was clean. he got fired. he STILL told me that his test was clean. for a month i supported us and i supported him telling him that it woudl be okay that unemployment would come eventually and it would be hard but we could make it until he found another job. the mail came one day and there was a letter from the state. i was sure it was the check. woohoo! bills were due, perfect timing. he sat and read thru some papers, i didnt see a check. i said omg u failed the test and were denied unemployment! he denied it. i grabbed the papers and there it was, failed drug test. claim denied. he got a job, he makes 1/3 what he made b4, our state was declared a federal disaster area bc of a storm, we both lost a weeks income, bills are due, no christmas at all for the kids. and i blame him. come to find out, the night he met the OW, he had decided easily that she was not worth losing me over, that anyone that easy was that easy and not worth it and was not going to go over there or call. BUT, he smoked some weed with a co worker and went. he had been smoking weed since march. i feel so incredibly cheated on, with OW and mary jane. he hurt me, but now his actions have hurt my kids. our youngest still believes in santa, what a freakin way to find out that santa isnt real by not having a present under the tree.

i hate him. he says he has hit rock bottom and will never let us down like this again. i dont know if i can forgive him. it has been one thing after another this year. everytime i believe that things are good he does something that blows everything up. i keep telling him that as soon as i have enough in the bank to use as a cushion for emergencies i am putting him out. we are sort of separated living in the same house. faking it for our youngest kids. my kids have no respect for him. my daughter refuses to speak to him. my 17yr old told him that he needs to respect HIM bc he is more of a man than he is. he told him that he turns down sex bc he has goals in life with sports scholarships etc and doesnt want sex to ruin it, he said he is offered drugs and alcohol but turns it down bc he has goals and doesnt want to ruin it but most of all he does right bc he never wants to hurt me or dissapoint me.

H told me the other day that i need to be more supportive of him. i told him maybe that has been the problem, being supportive of him has enabled him, and how can i support his decision to cheat and lie and not be able to support his family???? he told me to stop bitching at him all of the time. i told him i never did but he created this bitch i am so live with it. i dont know how long i can go on like this. my business is just starting up, but i am going to go get a job in january. i guess my main reason is financial right now, but, i do care about him, i just dont know if i can be in love with him again and i doubt that i would ever trust him. so what is left???? one minute i think we can make it thru this, the next i hate him, the next i am sad, the next i act fine like nothing is wrong, it can be anything that triggers a sudden change. my son had a sports match at a local high school, lo and behold it was a block from where that OW stayed and my good mood turned horrible. i say mean things to him...every opportunity i have to throw a verbal punch, i do. he takes it. never really says anything back. even that ticks me off, i feel like he should man up and say something..but what? and he asks me what he has to do to prove it to me or make it up to me....i DONT KNOW. there isnt anything. he cant buy me, he cant erase my memories...what? nothing. nothing he can do. what can I do?????

my daughter thinks i am disrespecting myself by staying, she said im being a fool. i told her i am here now bc of them, we need his income however meager until i get mine doubled. our children, the youngest two, are so worried that i will make their daddy move out. they beg me not to throw him out.

im a fixer, i fix problems i fix other people's confusion i help people, i take action. here is am unable to fix anything right now in my own life. i hate him for what he has done to me, to us, to my life, to the kids. i tried to tell myself that a nasty ho like her is not worth tossing my life away for, i wouldnt give her that power to take my family away, but really, didn't HE do that???

[Geishawhelk]

So end it.

What's really stopping you, other than you?

[darkabyss]

I guess it is the money issue...6 kids to support. Not wanting to hurt the youngest kids who adore their daddy. Maybe part of it is not wanting her to '"win" i dont know. habit? i dont know. i really don't. i know it's $$ for now. in a way, i look forward to starting work in january so i dont have to depend so much on him. i never did depend on a man before but kind of fell into that comfortable rut when he had the great job and i was home schooling and starting my business. In a way, i worry that with my job and my business i won't need him. does that make sense?

[Geishawhelk]

Excuses excuses.

 

You don't need him now. 'need' is a stupid wiord in this case. of course you don't need him. Who needs this kind of attitude in their life? You're independent, not joined at the hip.

 

Divorce Laws nowadays will make it possible for you to be supported as you need to be, by him. And that's your right. Emotions and betrayal don't come into it. The courts will look at the practical needs only, and act accordingly. Only you and him will bring emotion into the equasion, the Courts don't.

 

And no matter how much the kids love their daddy, you no longer do - do you?

Don't think for them, they can think for themselves, There's no reason why doing the right thing should alter their perception. The only thing that will do that is if you bad-mouth him. That will alter their perception of you too, so just explain to them that even though mummy and daddy love them all very much, that mummy and daddy have stopped loving each other as much and need to live away from one another.

 

I did it, so can you.

[darkabyss]

it isn't EXCUSES. its FACT. i refuse to sit up on public assistance or in a house without lights. i have left a marriage before, that time i was financially secure on my own and i didn't have six children to support. big difference. i live for my kids and refuse to put my happiness in front of theirs so if it takes some time for me to be able to be on my own then so be it...i wont have them suffer so i dont. trade my children's well being for my own???? never.

and besides, i am in this forum bc i admit that i am confused and hurt. one thing i have read up on is that you shouldn't make decisions based on anger. i am angry. i was venting and seeking support, not judgement by someone who doesnt know me. to say if you did it so can i, love, you have never walked in my shoes, nor have i yours. i have been to hell and back, shot, stabbed and beaten with a baseball bat by my ex, all in one afternoon. i survived that;, i am sure i can survive pretty much anything.

i want to make it work but i dont have any way to believe that he will truly stop smoking weed and that he wont cheat again...who has proof that their spouse wont? there is no magical crystal ball that tells us, ya know? i am confused and hurt and angry, i dont know if i am going thru the stages of grief or if i am through with him or not, i dont know. the good used to outweigh the bad, IF he never cheated again and never jeopardized his families well being again then i would be happy...if u noticed i said he was my best friend for years. my problem is do i want to risk taking another chance on him or not....my problem is supporting 6 children without handouts. i dont know how it is where you live, but honestly, here, child support barely covers a pair of shoes for a kid. definatly doesnt cover half of their expenses. because of the attempted murder on me, my older childrens' father is incarcerated and child support is a non issue...not happening. to say finances when you have 6 kids or even one is just an excuse is insane...okay, i get the house, with my own business in start up phase basically, can i pay the costs of maintaining the home? car insurance for my car and the kids', groceries for 7people, utilities, etc with child support designed for the only 2 children that we legally share??? no.

if it were just me, i would leave him and try to see if we can work it out by separating, its not just me and i cant be selfish (even if he was) and think only of myself....i have 6 children to think of.

[Elyssa]

Darkabyss... I read your story and I can only say I'm sorry you're going through this. This man does not deserve your love, respect and friendship and I think it's in your best interest and your kid's to leave him as soon as you are able, financially speaking.

 

However, if you decide to stay and give him one more chance... there's a way of verifying whether he's still smoking weed, whenever you want. You can find drug tests for home use in many pharmacies. It could be good to keep a few around and ask him to take one when you feel he might've been smoking. Make it a condition for staying together and keep the tests completely random so he can never anticipate when you might ask him to take one. Spring the test on him enough times by surprise and eventually the threat of it alone could be enough to keep him clean. Therapy might also help.

 

Let us know how you're doing. Best of luck!

 

-E

[MrWondering]

With 6 children to support I see divorce as ALMOST financially impossible. Thus, what do you do????

 

Although this board is a valuable on-line discussion forum, it doesn't really contain a recovery plan. I'm sure there are several websites containing them but the only one I know of (and that worked for me and my wife overcoming infidelity) is marriage builders dot com.

 

Much of Dr. Harley's materials are available for free right on the website. You could read them and still post here for discussion (I am not intending to redirect traffic).

 

I like the drug testing idea posted above. That along with an agreement that he have absolute "no contact" with the other woman for life are minimal boundaries he must agree to before you'll invest a second of your life and risk further devastation in a possible effort at reconciliation.

 

As far as over the counter drug tests, it may not be feasible to constantly be buying drug tests, however, you could require a weekly urine sample which he will hand over unaware whether you will actually test that sample outside of his presence. Like I said...this is a requirement for you to even give him a chance at remaining with you. He must agree to both conditions wholeheartedly and agree not to resent them. He must realize this is GOOD for him and you are merely attempting to save the family. He has a weakness which you are becoming his accountability partner NOT his prison warden...he is free to leave RIGHT NOW or agree to this indefinitely.

 

Find yourself a marital recovery plan. With 6 children I highly doubt there is the extra fundage available to pursue expensive marriage and individual counseling. Seek out free on-line resources and address these issues lest they repeat themselves again and again at which time the marriage WILL end.

 

Mr. Wondering

[darkabyss]

Elyssa, that is a brilliant idea about the drug tests!! ty!! if it kept him from doing it whilst his former job had the threat over him, maybe, if he truly cares about his family as he says (not as he acts..cos i say actions speak louder than words and his actions have showed he doesnt) then maybe that is a condition i can impose on him. i fear it will be quite awhile before i am financially cushioned enough to make it on my own. I know he isn't worthy of me or this great family that he claims to be so proud of...maybe THIS is an excuse, but i have seen great family men do dumb things behind midlife insecurities and the lust for excitement...i mean, our lives revolve around our kids, their sports, their schedules, their needs, and thats good...but...we forgot about us in the meantime. until a few months ago, the last time we went out as a couple without kids was in december of 1999. we were both bored. i handled it, he cheated. but then, i guess i dont have much opportunity to cheat either, not that i would have cos i would have never wanted to hurt him like that and we had agreed that if we ever felt the need to go outside of the marriage we would end it first rather than hurt and humiliate the other. i believe that there is a big difference between excuses and reasons or factors. there were factors in our marriage that lead to him cheating. not excuses. i had a horrible child hood, i vowed to be the best mom i could to my children. he always came second and he knew that. he was fine with that and said he admired it. i just never really made time for him. i admit that. he has said that he just felt like the atm machine of the family, he supported, i parented. he has said that it bothered him that the boys would come to me to discuss things that boys typically discuss with their dads...but i tried to explain that for years it was just me and the kids so we are close. he said he always just felt left out...left out of the kids lives and left out of mine. i dont know if i know how to NOT give 110 percent to my kids.

That is the thing i am most angry at myself for, i have always always always been financially independent. i guess a sense of comfort from his previous job made me lax in that....i was able to pursue my dream business doing my art...able to be available for my younger children when they came home from school and able to be here to home school my two teenage boys and be here for my other teens to talk to and lend a ear to...which has been so important bc my children are awesome human beings and they always say how much they appreciate that i am always ready to listen to their problems and that they can talk to me so openly. so i fell into a rut of not really having my own...everything i have i put back into the kids. sports camps, the best of everything, etc. so i am angry that i forgot my rule that i made years ago when my first husband was a cheating, drunk, abusive husband...to have my own always and have an emergency fund just in case. i always balanced things out with H's pot smoking as it could be worse, and the good vastly outweighed the bad. but now im worn out. tired of the same bs over and over and beat down over his affair.

MrWondering, thank you for understanding that it isnt as simple as just ending it. i was so excited about the prospect of home testing that i didnt even think of the expense, so maybe, shhhhh dont tell H, lol, tricking him into thinking i did test may be a solution. im not a good liar tho...but its worth a go. i love what you said about being his accountability partner and not his warden!!!!! that has so been a huge issue with us, he says i am not his momma, i say thats exactly right and i shouldnt be put in the position to have to finish raising a man...a grown man, when i am raising my children. he said i dont have to raise him. i said then grow up. not a good dialogue. so your wording is awesome. i will use it. we actually can go to counseling, there is a marriage counseling center here that is non profit and i heard is very helpful...however, ugh, i am pretty well known in town and i am so humiliated about this, its me, i am afraid someone will talk. i think i should work on that tho, pride v. my life. my pride is pretty shot anyway right now, so what would i really have to lose? lol.

i told him that i posted here. he was surprised bc i am a private person. i told him that i read posts from cheaters, cheated on spouses and even OW, i was on this forum from 10pm to 2 am something. i have learned some things. i dont know what the future holds, i am going to take it day by day but in the meantime work toward financial independence as well. he says he understands that. he says he knows he is on borrowed time. he worries everyday that he will come home from work and i will have his stuff packed up and sitting on the front porch. i didnt realize that. i guess i thought he took it all in stride unless i was yelling at him or crying over it. i didnt think it even bothered him. he swears he has no desire to ever cheat again bc it hurt him to know how badly he hurt me...that even if i left him, he would still love me. he said he never stopped loving me and that love had n othing to do with what he did, that it was an ego thing, an exciting thing, that it made him feel good that he still had it. he said he wasnt trying to blame me, but our sex life was not all i could have been bc i was always exhausted or up late grading papers or working on my business in the quiet of night and he would lay in bed angry at himself for being angry at me for not being a wife when i was only doing what i could for my kids and our finances. i never knew that. i never let myself think that i ever did wrong. i am a good mom, i am a great cook, i learned about computers so we didnt have to pay to have a tech fix them, i learned to build them myself so we had more that we needed, i built a desk for them instead of spending a fortune on one for 3 computers, i cook out of this world, i have always been faithful, i always wanted what was best for him and our family, etc etc, just focused on the good things and never thought i was neglecting him. just never entered my mind. not that it makes it right what he did, just that there are reasons he did it. reasons i really didnt see until we talked this morning. he said we will talk more when he gets home. i have dinner in the oven so i dont have to cook later and we can go to the park and talk without interruptions.

im going to check out that site.

thanks for the input and for understanding that i am not making excuses. i just have more to think about other than myself, practical things.

[Geishawhelk]

i live for my kids and refuse to put my happiness in front of theirs so if it takes some time for me to be able to be on my own then so be it...i wont have them suffer so i dont. trade my children's well being for my own???? never.

 

Sorry, but this resonates with me.

Then, pardon me, but you are extremely foolish. By all means act in their best interests, but never - NEVER - put anyone's happiness infront of yours.

Trust me, on this specific issue I have been there.

 

Nobody will thank you for it, it's a dangerous, needlessly self-sacrificing ideal, and it will not serve you in the end.

Whatever you do that is good for yourself, will ultimately benefit your children, because, no matter waht happens now, in the future they will perceive you as a strong woman, who did what she had to do to save herself, and ultimately them, from a bad situation.

Whatever decision you make, they will 'suffer' in one way or another. I you stay in a relationship where you obviously have seious issues with their dad, you think they won't know this? You think they won't see there is stuff between you two? You think that if you continue holding your chin up and being noble and determined, they won't see the futility of it all?

Kids aren't stupid. in fact, they can be alarmingly clear-sighted and perceptive. try to fool them and you're skating on thin ice.

If you persist in taking the easiest route (going with the flow and waiting to see what happens is not being decisive) then they may ultimately perceive you as someone with no backbone who deliberately chose to lie down and take it like doormat.

Sometimes, the decisions we make will have to go against some of our gold-framed, rose-tinted ideals. Sometimes we will have to kick everything we believe to the kerb, in order to do the best in the long run. And it will hurt, it will take courage, and determination. You'll without doubt be condemned, vilified and criticised by some. But this will count for whatever you do.

So do what's right, not what's noble.

Do it for you, but fer chrissakes, don't 'do it for the children' because really, trust me, that's crap.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

This guy is quite possibly the biggest LOSER that ever walked God's green earth. Sorry, but how many MORE times do you have to be KICKED in the head by this a*sshole before you finally figure out what a waste of life he is?

 

HOW MANY JOBS has this idiot been fired from? HOW MANY TIMES have you forgiven him?

 

What's your limit??

 

As I was reading your post I began to have less and less sympathy for you because you continually let this jerk-off get away with the same crap OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. When do you cease to be a victim and become a volunteer? After the third time he does something? After the fifth time? After the eighth time? The twenty fourth time? When?

 

The loser can't hold a job to save his life because his POT is so friggen ALL-IMPORTANT to him, and then to add insult to injury, he blatantly RISKS your sexual health for some STD-infested streetwalker???? Was getting his d*ck wet THAT important to him? He makes me utterly ill.

 

Six kids is an awful lot of kids. But since some of them are his, he'll have to pay child support for them - that is, if he can actually HOLD a job for longer than it takes to get fired for being a complete screw-up and testing dirty. I wouldn't own a dog with this guy, much less have his kids. Shudder.

 

You can keep being a volunteer or decide that even a life of poverty with 6 kids is better than being with an a*sshole who can't MAN UP and do what he's supposed to do. It's really your choice.

[darkabyss]

wow, what a judgmental lot here. i came to post back to Elyssa and MrWondering...with an update and a thank you for their suggestions...then i see the other posts.

Geisha...i dont expect that you have children. I thought i made it clear to you that i left a very abusive marriage BECAUSE of my children. THIS situation is entirely different, my kids are older and we discuss things and they all said that i am stuck right now and they know that i have to get things going financially before i up and toss him out. and THEY worry about their little brothers too bc they know what it is like to grow up without their father. I really resent you calling me foolish because I am far from that...i don't have to defend myself to you, i will, always have, and always will put my kids welfare above my own. it has worked so far, i have amazing children. all are absolutely amazing. great grades, great people, compassionate, kind, loving, well behaved, considerate of others, and respected in the community. it has worked so far so i will continue the way i have with them. btw, my son is standing here, so i asked him if he thinks i have no backbone bc i havent left and his words were "no mom, i know that we can't make it right now financially. you are doing what is best for everyone here, especially us. i think that makes you a very good mom bc u aren't thinking of yourself only, you are thinking of everyone, of the big picture. I mean, what would our lives be like if we had to live on welfare or couldn't pay bills?" so i asked him what he really thought about his step dad. he said "i love him. he has been a good dad to all of us and he is a good provider except when he has messed up with the weed but he always gets things back to right and i think you should try to trust him just one more time. I have been thinking about it a lot, and he needs help. He is miserable right now, and thats cool bc he hasn't ever really hit this low. Sometimes, people gotta hit rock bottom before they change, and i think he has changed...time will tell. but i see more out of him now than i ever have before. i wouldn't give him another chance if he messes up, but i think you have a good relationship except for the weed and i think he is done. oh and except for the ho he cheated with...but i know a lot of my friends said that their dad or mom has cheated and the ones whose parents divorced over it wish that the parents had tried to work it out. i think he is really sick over that tho." (i made him repeat it so i could get it word for word for you geisha.) quite frankly, i am tired of your judgmental attitude. u dont know me.

ICallEmAsISeeEm...i have read thru other posts of yours, you are just negative and judgemental about everyone so..whatever. u dont know me either. u dont know that he made over 6 figures until now...did u? you don't know me or him or my children. You did, however make a point about the health risk. He and I did talk at great length a few nights ago and he swore that he used a condom...i have an autoimmune disorder so i made it clear that i had to know in order to make sure that i have all of the proper tests etc. and i did get tested for everything in june. plan on regularly taking AIDS tests just bc i have trust issues with him, and rightfully so.

NOW TO THE POSITIVE! Elyssa and MrWondering... your advice was good. i told him that i had another stipulation regarding us even trying to work thru this. he said okay. i told him about the random drug testing. and i actually did go online and purchase one. i showed him the emailed receipt to prove that i meant business. he said that he understood why i did it and he has no problem with it except that he felt like a kid. so i explained that when he did wrong, he dragged me into it, so, its my business to help him do right, not to "catch him" or to treat him like a child but to give him way to show me he means it..that he is done with weed. he said he understood. he said it might be a good idea in case he is tempted. he said that after all of this he really hopes and prays he can resist the temptation, he said he would be a fool not to and that he has been a fool and careless and selfish and yet no matter how many times he said no to weed, seems like when he caves in, he can't stop. he said it just takes once and he is back on it again. he said its not worth it. then HE brought up the OW issue...he never does. he told me that it makes him sick. he knows he is a nice looking man and has a wonderful family and he wondered what possessed him to do that with someone like her. he said he is sure that smoking pot with that guy at work tossed everything he had decided out the window so he went over there. he said part of him was really defiant and angry that i tried to control him with the weed so maybe that anger made it easy to go over there. he cried...and no, he never cries..ever...and he asked me to please forgive him. i told him i didn't know. just like his addiction being day by day, my healing is day by day. he said he was so sorry for being angry and thinking that i was trying to control him when all i ever did was try to keep him doing right. i told him that even if i do leave him, he HAS to get over this weed addiction bc he will ALWAYS have his children and they will end up not wanting anything to do with him if he continues. he pissed me off tho, he said he feels like he gets a raw deal as far as not being appreciated for all he does right but gets hell when he does wrong, even if he deserves it. so, i told him, catholic priests do good all their lives, but it takes one alter boy and a dark room and all that good that the priest does is ruined bc of his actions. i told him its human nature. how many times do people refer to killers as great people, community minded, blah blah and they are shocked that they are serial killers....and that is what they are remembered for...the murder. i told him that he attempted murder on our relationship and im still on life support with it. he actually said a few things that pissed me off and i said a few things that pissed him off but we both stopped, took a deep breath and talked about our feelings. we did pretty good for two people that never really did that...i mean, we talked, but we weren't really good at listening to the other person, we interpreted words and made them what we wanted them to mean. (we figured that out the other night too)

i have worked with addicts in my former career, so i understand addiction. this is the first time it has ever really affected MY life personally. sometimes its easy to counsel others but hard to see things in your face.

i'm doing the best i can and what i feel is right for my family. and that family includes me. it includes him. i told him that this is IT. no more chances, no more hoping or believing him bc this has been the worst year. we drained our savings account paying off credit cards and making it while he was out of work and lying. basically, we are starting over financially and that pisses me off. he worked a bunch of overtime and christmas is happening at our house and my son got what he wanted for his birthday. i had 3 pretty big commissioned orders, too. right now, the goals are:

communicate...listen as well as talk

counseling...so what if people talk.

rebuilding trust...i'm not ready to, he understands, so he calls me constantly now and is taking me or one of the kids with him if he goes anywhere.

feeling...he said i can't hold stuff in...if i am angry, say so, if i am having a bad day, or a bad moment, tell him. if he feels like he is being controlled or if he feels weak and wants to smoke, he will talk to me and we can work together thru it.

he called a family meeting tonight...he told all of the kids how sorry he was for putting me and the family thru this hell year. he said he loves them so much and he is an idiot and he is so sorry for everything. he asked them to try to forgive him. surprisingly, all of them did say that they would try, they pretty much all said that they are very angry that he hurt me, that he put us all in jeopardy financially, and that he was irresponsible but they love him even if they are mad at him.

my daughter told me that she was so mad at me for staying with him but she gets it now and she sees that i am thinking of everyone's best interest. she said she judged me and she was sorry bc she has no idea what she would do if she was in my situation but he has always been good to all of us and she thinks he learned a lesson.

who knows. maybe he has, maybe he hasn't. maybe everything he is saying is bull****. maybe it isn't. i am building my own savings no matter what, bc if he screws up again, i wont have to worry about welfare or anything else, i can say get out and mean it and i will.

i wont come back here, the negativity is just astounding. i guess miserable people like to poke at the remains of people who are feeling miserable. maybe it makes you feel better, superior to judge others and be so hateful and angry acting. that is sad, and i hope you geisha and icallitasiseeem can find inner peace...maybe if you liked yourselves more, it would show to others. i dont know your story or why you found this forum but i have a feeling you are a lonely person. being alone isn't the same as being lonely...and with attitudes like yours, i betcha you will be lonely for a long time.

[darkabyss]

btw, i never came here seeking sympathy...so that comment about feeling less sympathetic to me was just dumb. your sympathy gains me nothing. i came here at a weak moment, i guess desperate...i vented in the anonymity of the internet...i learned a lot just by typing it all out. don't be so self righteous to think that your sympathy means **** to anyone and your hateful words could push someone over the edge. i would worry about what i post to people, you never know who might be suicidal given the nature of the forum.

peace out.

[Geishawhelk]

I have two children.

And trust me, they would never, ever demand of me, or expect me to sacrifice my long-term happiness for them, if it meant prolonging the misery of all.

 

We're not being judgemental, not at all.

 

Remember, we all of us have life experiences. And it is precisely because of thes life experiences that we're passing on what we know, or have already discovered for ourselves. We're just telling it as we see it.

 

If you've come here to just hear what you want to hear, and what you agree with because it justifies and vindicates what you're doing - then as you can see, you're in the wrong place.

 

Take the lessons on board, and try to see through what you perceive is an attack. It isn't. we just shoot from the hip. You asked, we answered. If the answers don't sit well with you, then carry on doing what you've always been doing. But you'll always have the results that you've always had.

 

Won't you?

[darkabyss]

ahh i waited bc i knew you would reply geisha. my kids dont DEMAND that i suffer long term or at all...i am just logical in knowing that i couldn't financially do it on my own YET. and that would hurt them. i dont want them homeless for gods sake.

 

you talk about shooting from the hip and giving advice based on your life experiences...i counseled domestic violence victims for years bc of my life experiences...at times, it was so frustrating trying to talk to the victims bc they just could not see that their lives where in danger and love doesnt give you a black eye or worse. we were instructed to NOT talk to them in a way where we were imposing our beliefs or experiences on them, rather discuss with them their feelings and help them find the answers. As i said, i came here out of desperation, out of need to vent...and that helped. Others may come here as a last option, negative words, and the kind of posts i saw could push someone over the edge. if you are going to give advice you should find a way to do it without sounding so mean.

 

i did not come here to hear what i wanted to hear, over the course of a few days, and perhaps because i was actually able to put it all in words, we were able to communicate better. as i said, maybe its bull****, maybe it isnt. but i cant just run out or toss him out bc he is the primary bread winner at this moment. when you have children you need a plan or backup, i dont have backup or any living family so i have to have a plan and my plan is about gaining my own financial independence...which i am.

 

your last sentence proves how cynical you are. i dont know what you went thru but it must have been a doozy. just as i dont know what the future holds, neither do you. so for you to say "Won't you?" as if nothing will change is presumptuous. but guaranteed, i wont have the same, either i will have a stronger better marriage than ever before or i will have my freedom, financial stability and my dignity, which you can't even take from me. u assume that i am a doormat...you say im being noble...no babe, im being a mother. a realistic mother who no matter what your opinion is, would never have my children on public aid or on the streets.

have a good one. i will put you in my prayers tonight.

[Geishawhelk]

I did reply to this post - in fact, you might have read the response.

Due to problems on the forum, the post has disappeared.

fair enough.

I'm not going to repeat it, and frankly, I'm bowing out of this discussion, because it's turning into tit-for-tat between you and me, darkabyss, and I really would much rather be mindful of my words than permit that to happen.

I wish you well, and hope you reach your decisions wisely, and survive whatever results may arise as a consequence.