ICS Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Recently I began talking to my ex of 5 years again (after a year of no contact). She got herself a new boyfriend and she is comfortable talking to me about him. Well, in fact, she talks about him quite a bit. Anyway, it appears that my ex has been messaging me on msn almost everytime I go online. I am not sure why she is so much more open to conversation than when we were together either. Just today, after talking about baking muffins for her boyfriend, she mentioned that she is pretty sure he wants to marry her, and that they had talked about it before. Now, is it normal to bring up sensitive topics like this with your ex? I don't feel that she is trying to spite me or make me regret leaving her, but seriously, why do it? Does she have no more memory of our time together in a relationship and how this could be hurtful to me? What do you guys make of this?
Geishawhelk Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Does she have no more memory of our time together in a relationship and how this could be hurtful to me? What do you guys make of this? I think this is a classic example of how she has moved on, is happy about the good stuff you shared, and values you as a good friend. I think, conversely, you have NOT adequately Let Go and moved on, and you still attach too much importance to the emotional baggage you're carrying. You are still connecting your liason with her with Pain and Unhappiness, and feel she should be more Mindful of this. But she's happy, she's happy to share, and wants you to know that she still considers you very important in her life, inspite of your break-up. Drop the resentment, let it go, be happy and move on.
vivrantflo Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 If you still have feelings for your ex, or you want her back.. just go right back into NC..and stay NC until you're 100% over her. I'm only assuming that you're not, and if that's the case, there's no sense torturing yourself by listening to a woman you're not over, share how happy she is with someone else. Put yourself first.. She did.
Geishawhelk Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Put yourself first.. She did. well...You don't know that.... he might have broken up with her...or she might have had good reason...or it might have been a mutual agrement, even if it hurt.... And if she's 'putting herself first'... then she wouldn't be considerate enough to try to be friends with him again, would she? I'm sure that she's not totally maliciously trying to be nice just to rub his nose in it....surely? Whaddya think?
vivrantflo Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Well, im going by the information shared.. they haven't talked in a year, and she moved on first.. of course it's easy for her to initiate a friendship cause she has a man. She got over him, and found another guy. That's putting herself first, cause her feelings arent at risk here.. HIS are.. assuming he still has feelings for her, and hearing about her man is bringing pain. So in turn, if he's not ready to hear this, or not ready to be friends.. thats totally ok. He should take as much time as he needs to get over it, by going NC. Im sure she has girlfriends she can call, and talk about her man to.. instead of an ex.
Geishawhelk Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Yes, I take your point, but I don't think she's being deliberately obtuse or insensitive. I think there is something in what you say, but my point is that I don't think she's being hurtful on purpose. but I really do agree with the NC part for him. If he feels he's not over it, then yes, he should give himself more time, and I think he has a right to tell her this. But likewise, i think he should be gentle and nice about it. yeh?
Author ICS Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Guess I should clarify the situation a little better. The relationship ended because I broke it off with her, but not becase I didn't love her.. but because I did and I thought this would be the only way for her to grow. I never told her that though. Up until two years ago, I did not know she had a personality disorder. The relationship had always been shaky, but I often told myself if I worked just a little bit harder to show her that I really want her to be the one. Still, we had our good and bad moments of course. There were other problems in our relationship though; she believed that the problems I had with her were not her concern and that she will never change "for a guy", her parents were racist, and her friends believe I make her unhappy and so they did not like me. On top of that, I kept going through emotional hell daily because of her instability and insensitivity (which I don't try to attribute a intentional). It really is hard to let go of someone you love, knowing that she could easily have been the one-had things improved. Over the last year of no contact, I still could not forget her. (Hey, how could I?) In the middle of summer I messaged her on facebook asking her to be friends with me again. She ignored me for three months, then finally told me she was ready to be friends, which brings us to the current state of things. I don't think she is deliberate in being malicious with talking about her boyfriend, but yet again I just could not believe that someone I shared 5 years of my life with could so easily forget about me and hop from one relationship to the next. Right now our conversations are limited to online only, and I don't believe it will change anytime soon. When we finally began talking to each other again, she told me she would not have talked to me ever again if I did not initiate the desire to be friends. On the other hand, she has alot of friends she could talk to, but she always chooses to talk to me... I am not sure why. When we first started talking again, I was honest and told her I still had feelings for her, despite knowing that we did not have a future. I hope she is not playing any games with me. People could change alot in a year I think. As for me, I haven't gotten any new relationships since the breakup. I simply do not feel emotional ready for one after what happened with my ex, but I know having one could help me immensely and get me out of this phase in life.
vivrantflo Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 She ignored me for three months, then finally told me she was ready to be friends, which brings us to the current state of things. My point exactly. You extended the arm for friendship, and she initially ignored it. Why? Cause she wasn't over you, and took the time she needed to get over you. (Finding another man helped as well) Now, im not saying she's trying to hurt you on purpose, but you DID tell her that you still had feelings for her. And in your original post, you said that she constantly brings up her boyfriend.. knowing that you still have feelings for her. I'm not saying hate her.. or that she's vindictive.. but she could be a little more sensitive.. maybe she holds a little resentment for being dumped.. who knows.. But if you're not ready to hear about her and her new relationship, IMO I would go NC..but if you want to talk to her, you can nicely tell her that you're not ready to hear about all that. You guys communicate online, so if she starts talking about her man, just say u have to go. She may get the hint.
Author ICS Posted December 19, 2007 Author Posted December 19, 2007 Tonight she and I talked for a little again, and she brought up her talk about wedding again. I know she is completely desensitized to how I might feel, because she was talking to me about how her insecurities have improved from when we were together, and that she doesn't play games with her man now. She brought this up because she asked me on some of my views on marriage, but that was besides the point. When she mentioned that she used to play games with me, didn't tell me how she felt, etc, I was overcome with feelings of despair again, asking myself why I had to be her stepping stone and why she couldn't have opened up with me like she is with her current guy. More than anything, her actions and my realization tonight makes it hard for me perhaps ever get back to dating another girl again. I don't know if going NC will make me long for her more, because the NC I have maintained for the past year only amounted to this.. since there was not a passing day that I did not think about her.
CaliGuy Posted December 19, 2007 Posted December 19, 2007 Tonight she and I talked for a little again, and she brought up her talk about wedding again. I know she is completely desensitized to how I might feel, because she was talking to me about how her insecurities have improved from when we were together, and that she doesn't play games with her man now. She brought this up because she asked me on some of my views on marriage, but that was besides the point. When she mentioned that she used to play games with me, didn't tell me how she felt, etc, I was overcome with feelings of despair again, asking myself why I had to be her stepping stone and why she couldn't have opened up with me like she is with her current guy. More than anything, her actions and my realization tonight makes it hard for me perhaps ever get back to dating another girl again. I don't know if going NC will make me long for her more, because the NC I have maintained for the past year only amounted to this.. since there was not a passing day that I did not think about her. Sooner or later you'll come to the simple realization that she wasn't the right woman for you. When you do, NC will work much better and it will allow the RIGHT woman to come into your life. The sooner you accept she was never the one God intended for you, the better.
Geishawhelk Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Tonight she and I talked for a little again, and she brought up her talk about wedding again. I know she is completely desensitized to how I might feel, because she was talking to me about how her insecurities have improved from when we were together, and that she doesn't play games with her man now. She brought this up because she asked me on some of my views on marriage, but that was besides the point. When she mentioned that she used to play games with me, didn't tell me how she felt, etc, I was overcome with feelings of despair again, asking myself why I had to be her stepping stone and why she couldn't have opened up with me like she is with her current guy. More than anything, her actions and my realization tonight makes it hard for me perhaps ever get back to dating another girl again. I don't know if going NC will make me long for her more, because the NC I have maintained for the past year only amounted to this.. since there was not a passing day that I did not think about her. Then really here, in a nutshell is part of your problem. It seems first of all, that she totally believes that you have as much 'moved on' as she has. If she sounds insensitive (and I can see that one might think she does) it's only because she doesn't have the slightest clue, you haven't. And this part is YOUR reponsibility. You keep saying how you feel, and what you think...."asking myself why...." But you haven't actually verbalised any of this to her. It looks like you're hurting and in pain, but you're not being honest with her and telling her the effect this is having on you. Why not? Think about it lucidly. Why not? What is your payoff? I can see it a mile off..... By keeping your feelings to yourself, what you're doing is actually prolonging the contact. You bizarrely 'enjoy' the pain because (a) it's worth putting up with it to still be able to talk to her, and (b) it gives you a sense of 'Nobility'... "Look at what I'm going through, look at what I'm putting up with - I am enduring this agony, just to be able to selflessly give you someone familiar to talk to...Aren't I wholesome?" Stop writing to her on the internet. you say that this is your main point of contact, so it's simple. Stop typing. Ignore her communications, and simply write to her telling her you're leaving on a year's sabbatical, and you're not sure when you'll be back in touch. Then, get out more, and stop with the wallowing. Hey, we all do it, it's happened to others too. You think you're the only one with a busted heart? But the only way to get over it, is to WANT to get over it. Right now, it really sounds as if you actually - don't want to - deep down..... Sorry to call it harshly, but sometimes, it's the only way to 'knock on the forehead'....
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