Ardnas Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 My wife of seven years left me on Friday. I am 48 she is 41. She rented a cabin in Colorado with a six month lease. We lived in Pennsylvania, 1800 miles away. We have had a terrible past three years. We own a company together and work together. Three years ago she had an affair in the office with one of our employees. We were able to patch things up and went to counseling. She blamed the stress of working together as the reason for the affair. For six months she stayed home while I ran the office. Our marriage seemed to improve for a while but them we had some problems in the office and I needed her help in running the operation. She came back to work 2 ½ years ago. We work in the mortgage industry, I am sure you are aware of the problems which have hampered the housing market over the past year. Well it has affected our business over the past two years. Last year at this time we had a mortgage bank, a Title insurance agency and a real estate company. We managed 70 employees. In April of this year we had a rebellion at work and we had to terminate or lay off most of the staff. This created unknown stress for us as we had lost over $700,000 over the last year trying to keep everyone employed. In June of this year, some of my ex employees turned me in to the court informing them that I did not properly complete my community service. I was to complete 100 hours of community service during 2006 for pleading guilty to failing to file a tax return in 2000. I was sentenced to four months in jail and was to turn myself in August 10. I have no one to blame but myself for not completing the community service. I was trying to save my marriage, my company and my mother was suffering from cancer. She died in April of this year. My wife and I decided that we would keep the company going while I was incarcerated. We went from 70 employees to 8. While, I was imprisoned my wife ran the company as best she could but every day she would get knocked on her ass with problems. She had to relocate the office without me and deal with many issues she had no experience in dealing with. For the first three months she put up one hell of a job but the problems kept mounting. She had a small support group to help her thru this period and two of our female employees would spend the week ends at our home making sure she was not lonely. About a month before I was to be released from prison, we were notified that I would be facing perjury charges for lying on my probation report that I completed the community service. Consequently, I may be facing more jail time. At this point my wife began distancing herself from me. She started to complain about everything in our marriage. She said that she loves me but she can’t go thru the court room process again. She says that she is beat, hates the person she and I have become and is depressed all the time. During our visits and phone calls while I was in prison, she told me that we needed to talk about our life and relationship. She said that we would do this once I got home. While I was away our friends tell me all she talked about was me and her love for me. Four days before I was to be released, I called her and asked her what was in store for me when I got home. That’s when she told me she was moving to Colorado. She said that she needed to find the person she once was and felt she could not do it with me. She did tell me this may not be permanent but she needs to find out if she is in Love with me and she can’t do it here. The day of my release, she had an employee pick me up, she was there also. She gave me a hug, a kiss, a carton of cigarettes and a Dear John letter and drove off to Colorado. I love her and would do anything to get her back, what should I do?
redblack66 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 She blamed the stress of working together as the reason for the affair. I am not that qualified to give advice, as I am little ahead of you in my mess. Here are some thoughts... There is no reason for one to have an affair when there are difficulties in a marriage. Having an affair was her choice, not yours. She was the weaker one, not you. I read on LS: when a man has an affair, then it is his fault; when a woman has an affair then it is his fault again. It is not. Do not feel *guilty* or *blame* yourself about your role in her having the affair. It has to do with her, not you. ... I love her and would do anything to get her back, what should I do?I believe that people should get together not only for the good times, but also for bad times. Why would I need a partner if she bails out as life becomes rough, and it will at some point. One's strength shows up in difficult moments. Your wife was not strong enough to deal with the situation. It is easer to run away; it is much more difficult to stand up and deal with life. How to get her back? Try everything you can do to *get yourself back* and try not to worry about her. I know thinking all the time about her is inevitable. Go out, meet friends, read about relations, etc. Do not do the standard convincing, bagging, I will change, I changed myself, etc. If you want to get her back, make an intelligent plan about doing this and do some planning about your moves; be several moves ahead of her. Read, think, talk to a marriage counselor, and read again. First thing: do not lose respect for yourself. Then, think very, very carefully if you really want her back. I am sure you want her very badly now, but you are also (perhaps) in a shock and a panic mode. Clear your mind, if you can. BTW, when a woman goes to find herself, it seems to me that nearly all the time there is another person in the picture. I would not call her and if she calls, perhaps I would not pick up the phone all the time. I would talk to her only when I know for sure what I want for me and from her.
Author Ardnas Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I will get thru this. It is just shuch a scock at this time. I married for life, I guess you never know what is really on the other persons mind. I love her but what good is it if they don't love your back. If she would only say she wanted to make it work I would have hope. Is there someone elce? I think not but there will be soon enough. She needs the attention I have failed to give her.
redblack66 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I will get thru this. It is just shuch a scock at this time. I married for life, I guess you never know what is really on the other persons mind. I love her but what good is it if they don't love your back. If she would only say she wanted to make it work I would have hope. Is there someone elce? I think not but there will be soon enough. She needs the attention I have failed to give her. I have been there and it is a hell of a pain. The reason I am writing is so you don't get there. We all married for life. People change beyond our understanding. Do not waste time. Get you act together and MOVE ON to a better yourself or a better life, but do not beat yourself up. We all do. This is part of what I have learned.
sadhubby Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 my wife also said she needed to do her own thing find out who she is .moved into her own apt and the guy she met on the internet was there staying at her place last weekend.im not trying to scare you but what i relized with my wife is once a problem shame on her, twice a problem shame on me ,well this time was the third time so i tried..good luck brother just know others are going through this crap too .is it christmas this month?
Recommended Posts