Wow, he actually loves me -- I finally believe it

[shadowplay]

It hit me last night that my boyfriend is actually in love with me, something I've had difficulty accepting. He first dropped the L-bomb over two months ago (we've been "official" four as of yesterday), but it didn't sink in for me until just now. I found it hard to accept because my past relationships have been so miserable. I felt somehow undeserving of his love.

 

We were talking last night about how odd it is that our relationship seems to be so affectionate and conflict free in comparison to both of our past relationships. I don't understand it either. Despite all my inner turmoil and problems, our relationship has been remarkably smooth and healthy. I never thought I would be capable of a healthy relationship, but I guess I am with the right guy. I think this applies to other people as well, so don't lose hope. It's all about finding the right person and avoiding certain obvious pitfalls.

 

He really brings out the best in me. I wasn't in love with my exes, so I would get easily irritated at them or act insecure around them because I didn't care. I rarely if ever feel hostile toward my boyfriend. I love being affectionate toward him and making him feel loved. Aside from a few slips, I've also managed to avoid totally dumping my insecurities onto him. I know it would push him away.

 

So take note, women. Simply being affectionate and warm with a guy you like will eventually win his heart! No need to play games.

 

I've also learned another important lesson. You have to be yourself, but the "ideal you." Being yourself doesn't mean letting it all hang out, sharing all your insecurities, fears and depressing thoughts with your SO all the time. Because those bad things aren't really you. I used to think they were me and I had to share all of them with whomever I was with at the time.

 

Part of me also believed that a relationship needed some drama to thrive, but this isn't true either. Thank god.

 

I'm not sure what brought on my epiphany last night. We were curled up together in a cozy attic room watching a movie as a blizzard raged outside. We were just rubbing our noses together and burying our faces into each other's. He kept saying "I love you so much, baby" over and over and "how nice it feels to be in love." It sounds corny as hell, but it was the sweetest thing ever. He is indescribably sweet in a really genuine, almost innocent way.

 

He said a few months ago he would have been shocked if he knew he would ever desire to be this cutesy with anyone, but now he feels differently. Frankly, I would have been shocked too. He was like a different person when I first met him. He's very cynical on the surface (we both are). I never would have guessed he had all this love stored up in him. He is such a sweetheart, it kills me.

 

He also said how he wants to go on a road trip with me across the country this summer, which was sweet because he was implying we'll still be together then. Also, his friend had invited him to go across country in a month, but he said it's the kind of thing you only do once and he wants it to be with me instead. Annnnd he was the one who remembered the day we went official and noted that it had been four months last night. I actually forgot!

 

I guess there was no real point to this post, other than sharing my happiness with you guys.

 

Now feel free to puke a rainbow or two.

[Florida]

This put a smile on my face, it is a nice realization to come to, yes?

[EYECANDY000]

Now feel free to puke a rainbow or two.

 

Excuse me while i regurgitate !!!

[lbj123]

That is so wonderful! Relationships are complex and can be difficult, and I believe that a foundation of true, deep love is what ultimately gets people through the rough patches. Its only with the ones you feel the most comfortable with that you can open up and act silly with and say cheesy things that you would never in a million years think you would ever say. So happy for you!

[Florida]

What do you mean when you say

 

Aside from a few slips, I've also managed to avoid totally dumping my insecurities onto him. I know it would push him away.

 

?

 

Do you avoid all unpleasant talk, only focus on upbeat positive? Do you leave anything negative out?

 

I have issues myself with dumping everything out in the name of "this is who I am-just so you are not surprised later" but due to advice I received here, plus my own feelings, I think I do it too regularly.

 

So any info would be helpful. I guess I felt like I was being fake to hold stuff in, but now I am rethinking it and seeing it as creating an environment that is more of a reprieve from stress..?

[shadowplay]

What do you mean when you say

 

 

 

?

 

Do you avoid all unpleasant talk, only focus on upbeat positive? Do you leave anything negative out?

 

I have issues myself with dumping everything out in the name of "this is who I am-just so you are not surprised later" but due to advice I received here, plus my own feelings, I think I do it too regularly.

 

So any info would be helpful. I guess I felt like I was being fake to hold stuff in, but now I am rethinking it and seeing it as creating an environment that is more of a reprieve from stress..?

 

I used to have the same exact attitude as you. It was better to just let it all hang out and show my true colors. But I discovered how destructive doing this can be to a relationship (and your self worth). First of all, that negative stuff shouldn't be so integral to your identity. By bringing that baggage into a relationship you're basically acknowledging to yourself and the other person that it's a fundamental part of your self concept. It shouldn't be. Think of all the great things that you value about yourself. Share those traits with your SO. Don't make a point of airing your dirty laundry because it will make you feel more accepted. The need to do so is a sign of insecurity. A confident person always keeps a part of herself sacred, and doesn't ever give herself entirely to another person. It's important, even with the people closest to us, to always maintain a slight boundary because this gives us dignity.

 

All I can tell you from experience is that negativity is like a disease. It's insidious. If you start dwelling on negative things and constantly discussing your insecurities or whatever with your SO, your relationship will take on a depressing tone. Your SO will also start to associate you with that negativity and may seek escape from you and the relationship. So many people make this mistake. If you have issues you need to deal with, see a therapist or get some support from your friends who you know will always be there for you (while boyfriends will simply dump you). But your relationship should be a happy place. Don't intentionally soil it. It doesn't mean you have to fake happiness. Sometimes you'll be in a bad mood that you can't click out of. It's okay at times like these to seek some emotional support from your SO. But try to keep it to a minimum. I think it's good to reveal some insecurity, but only in moderation. If you reveal too much, it will damage his feelings for you. Nobody wants to be around someone who is depressing and insecure. It's naive to think otherwise. Save all that stuff for another part of your life where it won't do any damage and deal with it there.

 

I've tried both methods, and the positive route works far, far better. It takes a little self restraint, but it's ultimately very rewarding.

[Florida]

Ahh you are a wise one beyond your years! I think I agree-I wish I had a time machine but I'm going to try making a concerted effort going forward.

 

I have problems with consistency due to poor impulse control when I am stressed so that should be the biggest challenge there. Forewarned is forearmed so I'll try harder.

 

Thanks SP!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Excuse me but I'm not happy for you at all.

 

I would much prefer if people don't share stuff like this. The only reason that I truly come here is to find situations that are more screwed up than my own, and people that are more miserable than me.

 

I really do not see the need to brag over the internet. You are actually making tons of people miserable - only they are too afraid to speak up. This is sort of like talking about how rich you are in front of a homeless starving person.

[lbj123]

Ouch! Just because you're unhappy it doesn't mean the rest of the world has to be. Seriously not cool.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I'm just saying that when I am happy, I tend to enjoy the feeling rather than brag. But as anticipated, nobody is going to admit that Shadowplays post made them depressed.

 

The thing that is a big red flag in her (OP) post is her conviction that if she shows only or mostly the positive aspects of her personality, her relationship will flourish. This is so so wrong. In a sense, she is maintainig a facade that she is REALLY going to struggle with past the 6 month mark and especially if she starts living with this guy. Ever heard people say "I really don't know who my partner is anymore" or "I realized I didn't know him/her at all". That is when it's all gonig to come crashing down.

[Nevermind]

Shadowplay:

 

Lucky girl! Happy girl! I am glad you found love and that love has found you. It's good to read positive stories.

 

BlueEyedGirl: At first I thought you were joking. Come on, it is not your story. Don't let others put you down, and dont put yourself down.

[Ariadne]

I'm just saying that when I am happy, I tend to enjoy the feeling rather than brag.

 

.........

 

Yeah, I'm like that too.

 

Same as with money. When people ask me how much money I make "if" I know I make more than them, I just tell them that's the only job that offered me employment and I took it. Or I can pay rent in my one bd apt.

 

And if it's someone I'm dating, if they ask I tell them about some miserable story. Or "getting there"... "so far so good at least" or something.

 

But that's just me though. Didn't like to brag about grades in school either.

 

Ariadne

[amaysngrace]

Cynicism sucks.

[lino]

Well I'm happy that things are working out for you

I hope one day I can feel that same happiness with someone too.

[Florida]

I'll never be down on anyone for being as honest as blue eyes was. Most people wouldn't be, so I give credit.

 

But I can feel happy for SP while being sad for myself, I don't want SP's happiness to not be true, I just want it for my early memories.

 

I have to admit I did feel sadness for myself simultaneously while feeling glad for shadow, because the beginning of my relationship-what should have been the honeymoon period-was a lot of fighting over what was probably initially a different set of values and expectations from eachother.

 

I was very positive, but it couldn't keep all that from happening, so I do respectfully disagree that that itself isn't always enough. Our relationship now is the way I wish it was in the beginning, but I am sad that my memories of the beginning are not so positive, at all. Of course there were things that made it worth it later, but sometimes being positive and thoughtful isn't enough.

 

Last night in bed I was reflecting if maybe I wasn't enough of those things for him, and that is why it was so much fighting in the beginning, but I think it was more a question of 2 people who wanted it to work, but with very different values initially. He liked to go out and put his friends first before us, I was more into the relationship, and put him first. That's changed now, but it did put a damper on, with all the disagreements.

 

So, to conclude, I'm not sure that is always enough, the girls personality I mean-having the exact same values when you meet is a big contributing factor too. Now I'm sad, I wish those were my memories earlier too.

[lbj123]

I think it is a huge, huge problem when a person is so wrapped up in their own misery that they can't stand the thought of anyone else having any sort of happiness. I have a friend who I grew up with who seems to have a particularly tough meeting guys and sustaining relationships. I have listened to her vent for countless hours, and am always there to offer advice and support. But whenever she asks about me, if I have anything positive to say about my love life, she becomes snide and resentful. I've actually saw her become in a noticably better mood when I talked to her about my recent breakup (Misery absolutely loves company). It has gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable talking to her about anything good that has happened to me or any sort of accomplishment I've made. People have problems, I get that, but I think it is really short sighted and self destructive of someone to feel more misable and resentful from hearing about someone else's happiness. More and more, I have limited my contact with my friend. I love her, but I need to surround myself with people who lift my spirits and offer encouragement.

 

BlueEyedGirl - Its one thing for you to not feel overjoyed from SPs happiness, but the way your post was worded, it's as if you wanted to make SP feel bad for sharing her story. I'm sorry to harp on this, but this is exactly what my friend does to me. It's very hurtful. No one is bragging. Is that to say that if anything positive happens to you, you should keep it in?

[shadowplay]

Wow, it honestly wasn't my intent to make any one feel depressed with this post, and I'm sorry that I did. If you look at my posting history about 90% of my posts are pretty depressing, so I was excited to finally share some good news with you guys. I wasn't trying to brag either, and I'm sorry that it came off that way.

 

My relationship certainly isn't perfect -- if you look through my history it has had its share of ups and downs. Nevertheless it's the only relationship I've had where the positive actually outweighs the negative.

 

I guess it was naive but I honestly thought my post would be inspiring to people like me who are usually so cynical about relationships. Especially those of us with a bad romantic track record. I never would have thought I could be happy in a relationship. I guess I'm in the minority but I tend to get excited when I read happy posts on here because they make me feel like relationships in general aren't doomed from the get go. Instead of seeing another's happiness as evidence that there's happiness out there but not for me, I take it as a hopeful sign that if somebody else with similar problems can find happiness so can I.

 

I really believe that everybody is capable of being happy in a relationship. What dooms people are self-defeating thoughts (like "I don't deserve to be happy"/"this is too good to be true") and actively choosing bad or unavailable partners because they don't believe that they deserve better or they're crippled by the fear of loss.

[Star Gazer]

Shadow - I'm happy for you while a little depressed at the same time. I wish you every happiness in the world. While I'm happy in my relationship, you obviously know I've got a lot of uncertainty going on at the same time which causes me an equal amount of distress, thereby preventing me from having the peace and sense of security that you do now. I envy that, I can't lie. I can only hope to make it to that place someday.

[Lucky555]

When you say this in regards to real love for for someone it really makes me realize what i should be having as opposed to what i have had. Thanks for this wonderful uplifting post. I hope someday to find this somewhere somehow. lol

 

This sounds amazing i wish you the best.

[shadowplay]

Shadow - I'm happy for you while a little depressed at the same time. I wish you every happiness in the world. While I'm happy in my relationship, you obviously know I've got a lot of uncertainty going on at the same time which causes me an equal amount of distress, thereby preventing me from having the peace and sense of security that you do now. I envy that, I can't lie. I can only hope to make it to that place someday.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your honesty and I understand where you're coming from. I suspect I've felt twice the amount of insecurity in my relationship that you have in yours.

 

I remember when we first started going out he said something really insensitive like "I wonder if I'll ever fall in love with anybody." At this point I was already well on my way to being in love with him (I attach fast), so you can imagine how painful it was to hear! Talk about a red flag. I was ready to give up but he told me not to because he takes a long time to trust people (he's been scarred in the past). I'm glad that I took a risk and decided to give us a chance. It's been a rocky road, and taken awhile to get to this place. I don't doubt that something will trigger my insecurity again, but the overall pattern has been one step back two steps forward.

 

If I've been this insecure and found (what I hope to be) happiness, so can you. If anything, you seem to be more emotionally stable than I am, so that should give you hope. I wish you happiness too. I'm sure you will find it, if you haven't already (sounds like you may have).

[marlena]

Very happy for you! It's refreshing to read about good things happening to people on LS. It's so rare! Hope many, many more LSs follow in your shoes!!