Realized I know nada about dating!

[Zapbasket]

Jeez, created another thread on the Dating forum (about online dating), and in reading responses to my questions I realized that not only do I not know much about online dating, I know little about dating, period! I could use some advice, as my 5-year relationship ended a year ago and really I'm in the dating world for the first time and I want to be as savvy as possible.

 

So here's where I need help: how do I deal with wanting to take things very, very slow (at least with the few people I'm seeing now), while also being desperately horny? I have not had sex in just over a year, and I'm dying. If I thought I could pull off going out for fun evenings, fooling around and maybe it leading to sex, but not having to get involved (this is because the one person I'm hanging out with right now that I could do this with I'm frankly not interested in having a relationship with), I think I would. I can't believe I'm saying this because I am very old fashioned in nearly every respect, but I can't see myself falling in love again for a while and I don't want to have to be celibate the whole time, but I also don't want to have to have more involvement with someone else than I am comfortable with. For example, this guy I'm hanging out with wants to come to the ski resort where my family and I will be over the holidays and is frustrated that I'm going to be away for all of Christmas week! That's WAY too much for me, with this particular guy. I find it irritating....

 

Does this sound awful? Really I just want to take a chance to put myself out there and test the waters. I only want a serioius relationship but I feel like I've just emerged from a cave and I have a lot to learn about dating and romance.

 

I just feel so lost and I don't know how to do this dating thing without it becoming messy! Which is why I never was much of a dater. It only all makes sense to me when you encounter someone you really want to be around and then there need to be no games. I seem to be good at that...but along the way towards discovering that person it seems I'm not very good at the dating game.

 

Any advice or can anyone relate?

[Florida]

Get some toys instead. I'm not good with dating advice, that's all I can think of.

[Crestfallen_KH]

No advice, but I can absolutely relate. I have been with the same man since February of 1999, when I was 23. Prior to that, I didn't date much and when I did, I did it badly.

 

We separated in September, but were having issues prior to that that affected our sex life (his cheating on me, basically). The divorce should be final this week, and it was important to me to stay celibate while I was still legally married, even though the relationship is dead. So I can TOTALLY understand what you mean with the "want me some sex, but no relationship" kind of thing. It's too early for one, but like you, I don't want to stay celibate and the "FWB" situation also seems really ripe for disaster.

 

Finally, to top it all off, even with a condom there are still diseases and risks out there and I would absolutely want to know the guy pretty well before becoming sexual, so I'm also a poor candidate for a ONS!

 

*sigh* I'm with ya, sister...

[Zapbasket]

CrestfallenKH, I've been reading a bit about your situation and I am so sorry. You seem to be coping magnificently with things and many of your posts have inspired me. Funny, too, that it seems we're about the same age, if not exactly the same age! I see "married" and automatically I think the person is older than me. Which is funny because when I was in my mid-20s, I was certain I was going to be married by the time I was 30. And here I am, tinkering around on match.com and wandering around NYC like a chicken with its head cut off, confused and still trying to get over my breakup.

 

I'm so glad you can relate! You're right, the FWB thing is such a mess and I really hate unnecessary drama, with friendship AND romance. I like to only get involved in things that carry the possibility of something REAL that is gratifying at the most elemental emotional level. Still, I truly have the libido of an adolescent boy and I am very curious (Hmmm, wonder how he kisses; hmmm, wonder how it would be if we started making out heavily...) and not good at saying no until but incapable of fully saying yes (Want to come back to my place?), either. I did a ONS once, when I was 23, and I will NEVER do that again if I can help it.

 

So--and I'd still like some advice on dating but this is important, too--what are we to do? I may take your advice Florida, regarding getting some more toys. But...Crestfallen and anyone else, do you ever just want the tenderness of the physical touch and the excitement of having a male physique in close proxmity, and the feeling of prowess and joy of rocking a man's physical world? I have a friend (female) who sleeps around all the time, and I'm so jealous as it seems she can turn off emotion and just keep it on the sex level. I'm not good at that and I'd be lying to myself detrimentally if I tried to trick myself into thinking otherwise.

 

Is it any easier for men in this situation? Guys, what do you say? Is it easy to get a woman to go to bed with you when you just want some physical closeness with a woman? My hunch would be that it would be tough for both sexes in this day and age...

[D-Lish]

I came out of a divorce 4 years ago and had to deal with dating in my 30's after being in an 8 year relationship. I have to admit, the dating scene still confuses me.

 

The divorce created a lot of intimacy issues for me. I have tried to just have casual sex with one person I trusted- but I always start out fine and then develop feelings. I can't sleep with someone and remain detached.

 

Taking it slow is a great idea.

If this guy is becoming too attached to you- it might be time to let him go. You don't want to be tied down at this stage.

 

I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing after leaving a LTR. Dating and exploring and learning...

 

I am only at the point after 4 years where I feel confident and comfortable enough to pursue something a little more serious with someone.

 

I was so jaded when I first left my husband that I subsequently sabotaged every relationship I started. I still do that a little bit... but I have learned to recognize when I am doing it and stop myself.

 

I can relate to your situation!

[Phateless]

Jeez, created another thread on the Dating forum (about online dating), and in reading responses to my questions I realized that not only do I not know much about online dating, I know little about dating, period! I could use some advice, as my 5-year relationship ended a year ago and really I'm in the dating world for the first time and I want to be as savvy as possible.

 

So here's where I need help: how do I deal with wanting to take things very, very slow (at least with the few people I'm seeing now), while also being desperately horny? I have not had sex in just over a year, and I'm dying. If I thought I could pull off going out for fun evenings, fooling around and maybe it leading to sex, but not having to get involved (this is because the one person I'm hanging out with right now that I could do this with I'm frankly not interested in having a relationship with), I think I would. I can't believe I'm saying this because I am very old fashioned in nearly every respect, but I can't see myself falling in love again for a while and I don't want to have to be celibate the whole time, but I also don't want to have to have more involvement with someone else than I am comfortable with. For example, this guy I'm hanging out with wants to come to the ski resort where my family and I will be over the holidays and is frustrated that I'm going to be away for all of Christmas week! That's WAY too much for me, with this particular guy. I find it irritating....

 

Does this sound awful? Really I just want to take a chance to put myself out there and test the waters. I only want a serioius relationship but I feel like I've just emerged from a cave and I have a lot to learn about dating and romance.

 

I just feel so lost and I don't know how to do this dating thing without it becoming messy! Which is why I never was much of a dater. It only all makes sense to me when you encounter someone you really want to be around and then there need to be no games. I seem to be good at that...but along the way towards discovering that person it seems I'm not very good at the dating game.

 

Any advice or can anyone relate?

 

I'm in a similar situation, but without the celibacy

 

I was with a girl for 5 years and became single just over a year ago. I tried one-time encounters (totally not my thing), I tried the rebound thing (also definitely not my thing) and i found one girl who has been a fwb for close to a year now.

 

she's in a similar situation, and i can honestly say that we have successfully pulled it off (take that, seinfeld!). We're FRIENDS. We hang out platonically, compare notes with dates and other people we've met, sometimes cuddle, sometimes hold hands, sleep together every now and then, and it's all good.

 

We've talked about it extensively and have both promised the other person that if any feelings change or emerge to let them know! No attachment, no obligation, no jealousy, no muss, no fuss. She had a party and hooked up with her ex-gf and i hooked up with another girl and we joked around about it the next day.

 

My point? If you and the person you pick are mature and open and honest enough, fwb can be a wonderful thing. This girl is super cool and intelligent and I'm glad I have her as a friend. The sex part is nice but not so important.

 

As long you're open and honest and the other person is the right person... fwb can really work out nicely. Give it a chance.

[Florida]

You could try an anti depressant if you want to get rid of your libido for awhile. I'm not being sarcastic. I think it is a really good idea that is not utilzed enough. And it will remove any post break up depression too.

 

I think it is a good idea, because no one should be intimate with someone they deem not worthy of being in a relationship with.

[Florida]

she's in a similar situation, and i can honestly say that we have successfully pulled it off (take that, seinfeld!). We're FRIENDS. We hang out platonically, compare notes with dates and other people we've met, sometimes cuddle, sometimes hold hands, sleep together every now and then, and it's all good.

 

 

Women are different than men, so I would really advise green cove to think about my suggestion of temorary libido removal by anti depressant.

 

and phateless-you guys are not hanging out platonically!

[Zapbasket]

I came out of a divorce 4 years ago and had to deal with dating in my 30's after being in an 8 year relationship. I have to admit, the dating scene still confuses me.

 

The divorce created a lot of intimacy issues for me. I have tried to just have casual sex with one person I trusted- but I always start out fine and then develop feelings. I can't sleep with someone and remain detached.

 

Taking it slow is a great idea.

If this guy is becoming too attached to you- it might be time to let him go. You don't want to be tied down at this stage.

 

I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing after leaving a LTR. Dating and exploring and learning...

 

I am only at the point after 4 years where I feel confident and comfortable enough to pursue something a little more serious with someone.

 

I was so jaded when I first left my husband that I subsequently sabotaged every relationship I started. I still do that a little bit... but I have learned to recognize when I am doing it and stop myself.

 

I can relate to your situation!

 

Thanks for posting and for your honesty, D-Lish. I am eager for any and all information as this move is taking all the courage I can muster. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that my ex really seems determined to move on, and as I am testing the online dating waters, so is he; I see him on another dating site we're a part of, too. I just can't help wondering why he and I can't learn and grow together at this stage, to a whole new level of intimacy, rather than go online shopping for a new relationship that inevitably will have its share of problems, like ours had.

 

This all to say that I am not really in the right frame of mind for a serious relationship. I feel lost and I feel like I could not give myself emotionally to a full-on relationship right now. The feeling of emptiness I have that a relationship could just end so abruptly after so much time and we just erase each other from our lives probably is a harbinger of intimacy issues to come for the next year or two. Which is why I'm trying to be as thorough in my dealing with the breakup as possible. I really want my next relationship to be the Real Deal. I really want, still, the Real Deal to be with my ex as I don't think problems are solved by just running away the way he did.

 

Do you feel that all the dating you did in those 4 years got you to the point where you feel ready for a true committed relationship? Or just the passage of time and the chance to learn more about yourself? If you could do one thing differently regarding how you dealt with the aftermath of your breakup in terms of dating/not dating (or in other terms--and you can PM me if you want, too, as I can use all the "I've been theres" and feedback I can get), what would it be?

 

Hearing from people like you really makes me feel so much less alone and weighed down with this depression and confusion! Thanks to you and Crestfallen both, and good luck to you both

[Zapbasket]

You could try an anti depressant if you want to get rid of your libido for awhile. I'm not being sarcastic. I think it is a really good idea that is not utilzed enough. And it will remove any post break up depression too.

 

I think it is a good idea, because no one should be intimate with someone they deem not worthy of being in a relationship with.

 

Florida, I agree 100% with your second statement, but not at all with your first suggestion. I would NEVER mess around with anti-depressants unless I needed meds to get through the day because I'd was clinically depressed. I loved your idea about sex toys and maybe I should invest in some good porn. After all, I live alone, I have a DVD player...and that way I can vicariously continue my sex education. My goal is to improve myself sexually in every way I can so that when I'm finally with my husband who I hope will be for life, I can ensure on my end that NEVER will there be a dull moment in the bedroom. The feedback I've had so far is that I'm a very good lover but I want to really feel like I know my way around everything.

 

So I guess the question is, without getting to have sex randomly with as many possible partners in the next, say, year, how can I give myself a great sex ed? If you have specific recommendations but don't feel comfortable putting them on this thread, feel free to PM me.

[Zapbasket]

I'm in a similar situation, but without the celibacy

 

I was with a girl for 5 years and became single just over a year ago. I tried one-time encounters (totally not my thing), I tried the rebound thing (also definitely not my thing) and i found one girl who has been a fwb for close to a year now.

 

she's in a similar situation, and i can honestly say that we have successfully pulled it off (take that, seinfeld!). We're FRIENDS. We hang out platonically, compare notes with dates and other people we've met, sometimes cuddle, sometimes hold hands, sleep together every now and then, and it's all good.

 

We've talked about it extensively and have both promised the other person that if any feelings change or emerge to let them know! No attachment, no obligation, no jealousy, no muss, no fuss. She had a party and hooked up with her ex-gf and i hooked up with another girl and we joked around about it the next day.

 

My point? If you and the person you pick are mature and open and honest enough, fwb can be a wonderful thing. This girl is super cool and intelligent and I'm glad I have her as a friend. The sex part is nice but not so important.

 

As long you're open and honest and the other person is the right person... fwb can really work out nicely. Give it a chance.

 

Phateless, if that is you in your avatar, you are very cute; are you SURE this girl doesn't have some interest in you beyond FWB?

 

I dunno, it sounds so enticing but I have a hard time believing anyone who says their FWB is truly "no fuss." Someone ALWAYS develops feelings. Also, I don't understand: if you think she's so intelligent and cool, plus hot enough to sleep with regularly and pleasurable enough company to hold hands and hang out, why not actually DATE her? I hope I don't come off as critical; I'm only skeptical and I'm trying to understand. What keeps you from developing feelings for her, and what keeps you from feeling sad and unfulfilled when you have her over and you cuddle, have sex, talk...yet you two are not an item?

[Florida]

Florida, I agree 100% with your second statement, but not at all with your first suggestion. I would NEVER mess around with anti-depressants unless I needed meds to get through the day because I'd was clinically depressed. I loved your idea about sex toys and maybe I should invest in some good porn. After all, I live alone, I have a DVD player...and that way I can vicariously continue my sex education. My goal is to improve myself sexually in every way I can so that when I'm finally with my husband who I hope will be for life, I can ensure on my end that NEVER will there be a dull moment in the bedroom. The feedback I've had so far is that I'm a very good lover but I want to really feel like I know my way around everything.

 

So I guess the question is, without getting to have sex randomly with as many possible partners in the next, say, year, how can I give myself a great sex ed? If you have specific recommendations but don't feel comfortable putting them on this thread, feel free to PM me.

 

You got it covered in the above, not much more I can add except....

 

Female Ejaculation and the g spot by deborah sundahl

Also look at the selection of books, you may find a lot of other ones too.

 

run, don't walk, to the closest book place.

[oppath]

No one knows anything about dating . You'll be fine.

 

If you do engage in casual sex, just understand that you can pull it off as long as you are smarter than the guy or the situation. That means understanding what it is and not pulling back as soon as you feel anything more.

[D-Lish]

I think the situation you are in right now is so similar to what I went through. My ex husband and I had simply reached the next level. We became more like brother and sister instead of husband and wife. The problem with our split was that we were so close, so even after we seperated, we remained entangled- which made it hard for both of us to move forward.

 

When it came to dating- I just did so to pass time. I dated one person for 6 months, then another for a year following the seperation. I avoided getting close to either of them. However, I do believe dating is one avenue of exploring who you are.

 

It wasn't until I was over the pain that I actually stopped dating for a while. That is when I began to learn who I was outside of being someone's wife. I think that is key to a recovery.

 

You are still in love with this man, and still dealing with a lot of pain. You are still hoping for reconciliation. There is no way any man is going to penetrate that bubble right now. This is a good opportunity to simply date for fun.

 

I am four years out. My ex husband got another woman pregnant right before we seperated. I didn't know this until a few months after. That was when the realization hit me that we were never going to get back together. It was probably a good thing- otherwise both him and I would have remained in limbo.

 

You can't start healing until you let him go. You'll do that when you are ready.

 

I still hide my heart from people. I think I'll always have walls.

I am much happier now than I was though. I have had to learn how to handle my own finances, manage my life, live alone...and all those things have been good for me to re-learn. It was tough to do though.

 

I am ready for the right person if he happens to come along- but I am still happy dating until that happens.

 

You can't heal from something like this overnight. It's going to be a gradual thing. If I can make a suggestion.... block your ex on the dating sites so you don't see him come up on your searches. And try and distance yourself from him unless you absolutely have to speak with him.

The less contact you have- the quicker you can heal. I still talked to my ex everyday for a year after we split. We actually used one another as friends to lean on in our own divorce!!! That's how close we were. That wasn't healthy though. Once we went into no contact- I began to move forward.

 

Sorry this was so long.

I will pm you with my e-mail if you'd like.

Dee

[lbj123]

Greencove,

 

I've read a bunch of your posts and I have to say, it is great that you have opened yourself up to the possibility of dating; which is essentially the possibility of moving on. Getting over hurtful breakups can leave a person feeling guarded and really nervous about getting hurt again. What you went through/are still going through sounds like a really crappy situation that was out of your control, but I bet you will look back at this and realize how much strength you gained from it and how much you learned about your own wants and needs.

 

So now that you are dating, I say try not to over think it too much. Just have fun and be yourself. Dating can be really fun if you don't get too caught up in the rules or the labels. If you meet a guy and there is great chemistry, hooking up is not leading a person on and its not slutty or wrong of you. You live in New York City where millions of people are open to all sorts of situations! And if hooking up makes you feel uncomfortable, go out and flirt!

 

As to the guy who you think wants more than you do, tell him you don't want a relationship and if wants more, move on. As to the eye who didn't give you those looks with his eyes, move on. You can and should have it all! You deserve a guy who fits all of your needs, so use this time to get to know a lot of people - it will help you get to know yourself.

[Krytie TV]

Any advice or can anyone relate?

 

I'm sure it's much different for guys than women, but I think the way I approached it (though aimlessly and rather carelessly) was very helpful to me. I did the casual dating things first. I get the sex thing out of the way early on in the process with those that I was attracted to but not interested in being serious with. Having done that a while, I had my fill and moved on to looking for something more serious. So far so good I guess... I'm not cramping up or anything.

 

As a woman, it should be easier for you to find casual flings. I would say go ahead and own up to your feelings and do the casual thing. It may only take once or twice before you get what you need and can then "focus" on the bigger relationship picture with patience.

 

Good luck.

[Phateless]

Phateless, if that is you in your avatar, you are very cute; are you SURE this girl doesn't have some interest in you beyond FWB?

 

I dunno, it sounds so enticing but I have a hard time believing anyone who says their FWB is truly "no fuss." Someone ALWAYS develops feelings. Also, I don't understand: if you think she's so intelligent and cool, plus hot enough to sleep with regularly and pleasurable enough company to hold hands and hang out, why not actually DATE her? I hope I don't come off as critical; I'm only skeptical and I'm trying to understand. What keeps you from developing feelings for her, and what keeps you from feeling sad and unfulfilled when you have her over and you cuddle, have sex, talk...yet you two are not an item?

 

lol thanks! i've wondered that from time to time, but i trust her enough to tell me if her feelings change. plus, i'm still searching. she's cool, but i don't want to settle. i dunno... <shrug>

 

i've also wondered why i don't date her. my friends ask me that from time to time. i dunno, for some reason i just feel we are better as friends, at least for now. you either feel it or you don't ya know? This girl really is low maintenance, it's pretty amazing, and she's a rockstar in bed!

 

If you find the right guy, fwb can totally work. But you have to be aware going into it that's it's a temporary situation. I know that when she or I find a significant other, it's gonna be strictly platonic for a while.

[D-Lish]

... plus, i'

m

still searching. she's cool, but i don't want to settle. i dunno... <shrug>... This girl really is low maintenance, it's pretty amazing, and she's a rockstar in bed!

 

Wow, I'd have a pretty hard time doing that unless I was the one in complete control of the situation.... ie: he liked me way more than I liked him. These kind of relationships are often unbalanced...one person will often like the other person more....it's inevitable. If I was sleeping with someone for that long and I knew he was still searching... that would punch my ego in the face. ;-) ouchee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Phateless]

Wow, I'd have a pretty hard time doing that unless I was the one in complete control of the situation.... ie: he liked me way more than I liked him. These kind of relationships are often unbalanced...one person will often like the other person more....it's inevitable. If I was sleeping with someone for that long and I knew he was still searching... that would punch my ego in the face. ;-) ouchee.

 

Well she's still searching too, and we talk about her dating experiences as well as mine. No control is necessary because we are not playing games with each other. In the beginning when she asked me what I wanted I told her, and we have agreed numerous times to let the other know if anything changes. It all works out because we communicate. Without this arrangement and all our communication, this would never have worked.

[oppath]

Well she's still searching too, and we talk about her dating experiences as well as mine. No control is necessary because we are not playing games with each other. In the beginning when she asked me what I wanted I told her, and we have agreed numerous times to let the other know if anything changes. It all works out because we communicate. Without this arrangement and all our communication, this would never have worked.

 

that is the key thing. As soon as you want a smudge more, you need to communicate it. And then, BOTH people have the responsibility to end the sex. The problem with FWB is typically one person wants more, but HIDES it, and when the other person does find out, they say "this is just sex" and the attached person says "ok, I can handle that" and they continue to have sex. If both people agree sex needs to end if either person has feelings, problems are avoided.

 

I'm just now healed from my ex because she asked me to be FWB after she broke up with me. It made our relationship, in my mind, an entire lie (since she talked about love and marriage); we only dated 6 months and it shocked me that she could even ask knowing I loved her and was hurt and asking for space. Because if I broke up with a girl, she could offer me her va-jay-jay on a silver platter. If I knew she wanted more, I'd tell her "no." I certainly wouldn't initiate. It's the opposite of caring about someone.

 

To the OP: have some sex. Do it once or twice and then tell the guy off. He won't be hurt unless you've let him on for weeks and months.

[D-Lish]

Well she's still searching too, and we talk about her dating experiences as well as mine. No control is necessary because we are not playing games with each other. In the beginning when she asked me what I wanted I told her, and we have agreed numerous times to let the other know if anything changes. It all works out because we communicate. Without this arrangement and all our communication, this would never have worked.

 

Wow. I've been involved in one sided arrangements like that- but I always make sure I am the one in the driver's seat

so

I don't get hurt...and they don't normally last more than a couple months. If you can do it- that's great. To be honest, that's the first time I have heard of something like that working for that amount of time!