randuff Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 So I am sitting here contemplating whether to call or message her. We have tried to do the friends thing but it really isn't working out for me too much. It has been 4 days since we have spoken or text one another. Not a long time but almost the longest I have gone without speaking to her in 4 years. Her boyfriend is in town so I figure that is the reason for no call or message. I dunno, I want to call but I know I shouldn't.... I just hope my willpower stays strong and I don't pick up the phone.
sao2 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 After a while it becomes easier to "not call" than it is to call. I know it seems like a long ways away but it happens.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Were you guys together and things wasnt working out so you decided to be friends, And now she has another b/f. And you are contemplating if you should call her , even though you know she is with her new beau?
Author randuff Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 This new boyfriend is the one she cheated on me with :/
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 God, no. I don't know why you're talking to her period!
SunnyLady Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 When people make a decision that they want us in our lives no longer, they are not only choosing to exclude us from their lives, they are saying they "prefare" not to have us in their lives... Why would you give this Lady the benefit of being friends with you? She cheated on you with the SAME guy she is with now...and you give her the gratification of having you as a friend, talking to you, interacting with you. Why? You deserve better. Don't ring her, don't contact her. She has disrespected you to the highest level...she doesn't deserve to have you in her life even as an acquaintance. Do YOURSELF that favour. :)xxx
Author randuff Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I know, I know. Why is it difficult to forget about all of those feeling when they were in the past. Ugh. I haven't called though, I have stared at the phone but haven't broken down yet.
Florida Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Aww this made me so sad reading it. R-I want you to really imagine yourself in the future-you will be rolling your eyes at yourself and so glad you did not call her or interact with her. You will have realized she is less than human in your eyes, and will have trouble even understanding why you cared after you found out she was cheating on you with him. I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but I think you need to look into yourself more and ask why you would ever, ever want to speak to someone let alone try being friends with anyone who betrayed you so badly. I completely understand the thought of that the one who hurt you is the one you hope can heal you, but it never works that way. Be your own best friend right now, and look after your own heart- don't call her.
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I know, I know. Why is it difficult to forget about all of those feeling when they were in the past. Ugh. I haven't called though, I have stared at the phone but haven't broken down yet. Don't call her. She cheated on you. You owe her nothing and owe yourself some self-respect. To this point, you've allowed her to be the drummer. Time to take back the control in your life and march out of her life. Let her realize what she's lost but more importantly, it will be time for you heal and move on. Come on randuff, you can do it.
oppath Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but I think you need to look into yourself more and ask why you would ever, ever want to speak to someone let alone try being friends with anyone who betrayed you so badly. I completely understand the thought of that the one who hurt you is the one you hope can heal you, but it never works that way. great advice. Ask yourself: "what is my definition of a healthy relationship?" Then ask yourself: "what is my definition of a healthy friendship?" Can this woman meet any of those definitions? No. Never. One of the hardest things is to let go, and it is equally hard to accept she is not the person you thought she was. It will take time, but eventually, you would say to yourself what you would say to a friend: why do you want to be with someone who is a bad person, even as a friend, someone who would lie to you and disrespect you? What can you gain from this friendship that you can't gain from another? You want her to help you heal. I understand that. But healing comes from within.
Author randuff Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 great advice. Ask yourself: "what is my definition of a healthy relationship?" Then ask yourself: "what is my definition of a healthy friendship?" Can this woman meet any of those definitions? No. Never. One of the hardest things is to let go, and it is equally hard to accept she is not the person you thought she was. It will take time, but eventually, you would say to yourself what you would say to a friend: why do you want to be with someone who is a bad person, even as a friend, someone who would lie to you and disrespect you? What can you gain from this friendship that you can't gain from another? You want her to help you heal. I understand that. But healing comes from within. So true. You know it's like when I read other posts on here and I'm like WTF! What are you thinking, that is ridiculous. But when it is your life being discussed you take a different view. Why? It's the same just with 2 different people.... Why does it work like that. Why do we want to torture ourselves because that is all we ever do. You guys are so right and I am making a vow to try to never call or pick up the phone when she calls. Time to start hitting the gym again hard! Dammit all I am going to feel better about myself and I am going to look hella good for someone when the time comes! Oh and I never called or text her
jimmer21 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 hell no! DO NOT RING HER just imagine every time that you want to ring her that shell answer and shell be laughing or messing around withhim we both know it will upset you and make you feel rubbish so why bother doing that to yourself thts what i think when i get the urge to call my ex. dont answer if she tries to call you just go no contact i know hard being in contact for 4 years but its for the best. be strong you can do it mate
sedgwick Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 keep going. it gets easier every day. i'm now almost 4 months nc and i'm really, really proud of myself.
serendip Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 So true. You know it's like when I read other posts on here and I'm like WTF! What are you thinking, that is ridiculous. But when it is your life being discussed you take a different view. Why? It's the same just with 2 different people.... Why does it work like that. Why do we want to torture ourselves because that is all we ever do. You guys are so right and I am making a vow to try to never call or pick up the phone when she calls. Time to start hitting the gym again hard! Dammit all I am going to feel better about myself and I am going to look hella good for someone when the time comes! Oh and I never called or text her dude exactly we are in a similiar boat, my ex cheated on me and I forgave her...and then she did it again...I tried to be nice and try to work things out so we can be at least civil to one another but there's too much resentment on both of parts and it ended up blowing up in my face b/c it got really nasty and bitter as you can tell by my thread it's best to move on
Author randuff Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 So I never called last night but this morning she messages me : "I am running sooooo late AGAIN." I shouldn't have responded but I did with : "Weekend over, xxxxx not around so you can text now?" She sends this : "I'm sorry I messaged you" No response from me. Her : "Sorry" Still no response from me. Her : "Guess it just won't work, I'm sorry.. Hope we can be friends one day. I love you." I still do not respond. Her : "I ****ing hate this" I never responded . Haven't heard from her since, that was around 9:34am this morning. I really really want to call her but I am not going to. Why do I miss her so much and want to call her and just say I love you too. Ugh I hate these feelings but the miserableness (?) of hanging on to false hope is worse.
AHIWON Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Don't contact her any more. I'm kinda new to this NC thing but I am becoming a firm believer. I just waisted over a month trying to convince an X that she made a mistake and we should be together. What a waste of time. TrialByFire and many others have given you good advice. Take the good advice. This woman is garbage and you deserve better than that. Hey last dec 20th I found out my X of 13 years was having an affair. It was hard, life shattering actually but I got over it. Be strong, keep your chin up and don't give up treating yourself right.
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Good for you! Keep resisting. You are showing her that YOU are in control of your own emotions and your own life. She was getting desperate, hence the additional messages. But these messages were self-serving and were an attempt to make herself feel better for her choices. As long as you respond and are her "friend" she never fully has to own up to what she has done...she doesn't have to face the consequences. Make her face the consequences. You only want her in your life as a girlfriend, which is perfectly reasonable. If she can't be 100% with you, then she needs to be 100% gone.
Florida Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So I never called last night but this morning she messages me : "I am running sooooo late AGAIN." translation: look at me! look at me! I want attention-please? I shouldn't have responded but I did with : "Weekend over, xxxxx not around so you can text now?" that's a great response-especially because I hope that's the last one she hears from you-and it was a dig at her! She sends this : "I'm sorry I messaged you" translation: Now I will try using fake self conscious guilt to illicit a reponse from you-my my, I am nervous now- I can't pull any little string on this guy after I cheated on him-oh my is my beauty fading? Is my obvious sexuality waning? Oh GAWD I need a response to affirm my desirability to myself-after all-it's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeee....who else? Me me me me oh spectacular me? Who else can I manipulate today? Maybe I'll tell my new BF my ex is obsessed with me and won't stop calling me! Then they'll both want me even more!! I'm the prize! No response from me. Her : "Sorry" her thoughts: Now I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel in guilt inducing responses. First I cheated on him, now I'm trying to keep in touch, he is ignoring me so I resort to guilt, now a fake embarassed response. Hmm I think I'll go for self deprecating next if he doesn't respond....no-I change my mind-maybe anger! Yeah that always gets them! Makes them think they did something wrong. Then he'll crawl for me to apologize.....No....maybe i'll just stick with guilt-more sadistic that way. And more fulfilling for meeeeeee! Did I mention it's all about me???? Still no response from me. Her : "Guess it just won't work, I'm sorry.. Hope we can be friends one day. I love you." translation: I love that I can dump on you short of taking an literal dump on you, and I think you still want to be with me! Boy-my ego is soaring! I must be awesome!!! Wait until I tell my new BF how he is still hooked on me-I guess that ups my value -because-well-I have no self value...isn't that what THEY are for?? I still do not respond. translation: I hate that he isn't responding to my old games..... I never responded . Haven't heard from her since, that was around 9:34am this morning. I really really want to call her but I am not going to. Why do I miss her so much and want to call her and just say I love you too. Ugh I hate these feelings but the miserableness (?) of hanging on to false hope is worse. Randuff-It is over-she is human compost! Don't lose your self respect by stroking her ego! You are doing great, you ignored her please for ego attention! Keep up the good work! She is a skanky skank please don't contact her!
loveinlife Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So I am sitting here contemplating whether to call or message her. We have tried to do the friends thing but it really isn't working out for me too much. It has been 4 days since we have spoken or text one another. Not a long time but almost the longest I have gone without speaking to her in 4 years. Her boyfriend is in town so I figure that is the reason for no call or message. I dunno, I want to call but I know I shouldn't.... I just hope my willpower stays strong and I don't pick up the phone. Im sorry that this happened to you bro. im sure it'll take some time to heal. Esp when you guys been together for so long. try to read a few books on relationships and how to make yourself happy again. Most of these books will take us to our fears of living w/o them. Work on your innerself and you will see results of how to handle situations like these. All we can say in LS is to advise you this and that, but its your heart that you should follow in the end bc we cannot bring your exgf back, its her who chooses to come or go. follow what your mind tells you to do. Those books helped me, but you may find some other gratification through a different kind of communication, its up to you to feel sad all the time or to be happy. Your choice my friend. your choice? good luck bro =)
serendip Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So I never called last night but this morning she messages me : "I am running sooooo late AGAIN." I shouldn't have responded but I did with : "Weekend over, xxxxx not around so you can text now?" She sends this : "I'm sorry I messaged you" No response from me. Her : "Sorry" Still no response from me. Her : "Guess it just won't work, I'm sorry.. Hope we can be friends one day. I love you." I still do not respond. Her : "I ****ing hate this" I never responded . Haven't heard from her since, that was around 9:34am this morning. I really really want to call her but I am not going to. Why do I miss her so much and want to call her and just say I love you too. Ugh I hate these feelings but the miserableness (?) of hanging on to false hope is worse. Don't contact, don't respond It will only get worse if you continue...it will never work bwtn you guys again short of a miracle b/c there will always be resentment on your part after what she did....and she will always feel guilty for what she did every time she looks at you STOP ALL CONTACT or it will get uglier and uglier until even the good memories you have of your time together will fade. Take the time to heal and try to MOVE ON.
82knightrider Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 No contact.Please keep us updated . Florida dudes post is hillarious . LMAO
Meaplus3 Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 So I never called last night but this morning she messages me : "I am running sooooo late AGAIN." I shouldn't have responded but I did with : "Weekend over, xxxxx not around so you can text now?" She sends this : "I'm sorry I messaged you" No response from me. Her : "Sorry" Still no response from me. Her : "Guess it just won't work, I'm sorry.. Hope we can be friends one day. I love you." I still do not respond. Her : "I ****ing hate this" I never responded . Haven't heard from her since, that was around 9:34am this morning. I really really want to call her but I am not going to. Why do I miss her so much and want to call her and just say I love you too. Ugh I hate these feelings but the miserableness (?) of hanging on to false hope is worse. And you will continue to be miserable if you hold onto "False Hope". It sound's to me like you need to move on and the best way to do that is with NO Contact. If you feel like calling her, call a good fiend instead. AP:)
Author randuff Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 If you feel like calling her, call a good fiend instead. AP:) HEH. Still haven't called her but I sure have been thinking about her a lot
Author randuff Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 I answered my phone because she called me from her work phone (we work for the same company at different locations) and my work phone is forwarded to my cell. The caller id showed the work number so I answered thinking it was a client. Anyways she called to ask about one of the joint credit cards we have. The convo lasted 5 minutes max and when she hung up she asked "Call ya later?" I said ok.......more a reaction than a planned response. She ended up calling me later that night and we talked for half an hour.....DAMMIT!!! Mostly about Christmas and her brother..... The thing about it is that I don't feel all upset about it at all. No heart dropping, confusion, or feeling that I soooooo miss her. Maybe I am progressing and accepting that what has passed has passed.
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