Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Hello LS, As many of you know my fiance of 4 years cheated on me and is now moving to another state to be with OW and they are suppossedly having a child. Now, we had NC (his wishes) for 3 weeks and on Thursday he text messaged me 'happy holidays to you and your family'. Now, I didn't respond because 1. I had no idea what to say and 2. last time I talked to him he told me to lose his number along with many other MEAN MEAN things. Yesterday was his birthday and I also did not contact him. I feel absolutely awful about this and wish I had, but everyone told me not to. I am starting to think that his text message was a way to try and get back in or begin a conversation or something. I mean, who really knows but now I am feeling like i ruined my chances. I know you are all thinking...why would you want to be with a man that did this to you...but I still love him very much and want what we had back. I know it will never be the same...but I have not let go of that dream yet. Anyway, I would love to know what LS's thoughts are about maybe contacting him via text or email and just saying Happy birthday or should I just leave it and see if he texts me? Maybe it was just a moment of weakness as I have not heard from him since? I don't know. I am so confused. I was feeling SO strong. Then he texted me and now...it's like I am back to square 1. UGH!
scubafish Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I think he may be contacting you to ease his guilt. I would not respond- Be Strong! You need to maintain NC, if anything, just to keep moving fwd.
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Thanks scuba. I just feel cruel for not saying happy birthday. I doubt he even cares but...it's sad to me...to think he doesn't. I just don't want to play games and make him think I wasn't thinking about him or whatever. I love him. This stinks!
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Don't do it. 1)He doesn't deserve a happy birthday coming from you, 2)He is a sh*thead and has chosen to be with someone else, and have a baby with her. 3)It will only make you feel worse if he doesn't reply, and if he does reply, what if it's a nasty message. NO good can come of it. Your heart is in the right place, but he won't see it that way as he isn't the man you fell inlove with anymore. I know you want what you had back, him included, but his actions and the way he's treated you has shown you that he isn't going to come back. Sorry to say that...I know you're in alot of pain and turmoil over this. All I can tell you is, cry it out and go through the grieving process so you can heal yourself. It will take time, he stole your life plan away, so you aren't only grieving him, you're grieving the life you thought you'd have with him. Hugs.
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I know you want what you had back, him included, but his actions and the way he's treated you has shown you that he isn't going to come back. Sorry to say that...I know you're in alot of pain and turmoil over this. Why is that so hard for me to understand? Why do I still think he's coming back? I guess his text message sent me the wrong message. I seriously still feel like he might come back. How stupid is that? Even stupider to want it. I just wish I could see him, hug him, kiss him...one last time. I wish he would miss me and realize what a mistake he made. How could he just turn his back and never look back at what he lost? That kills me the most. What did I do that was so wrong to prevent him from wanting to come back? AHHH!
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Your head knows this, your heart doesn't. Give it time... How could he just turn his back and never look back at what he lost? Okay, what if there is a tiny chance that he has fallen inlove with this OW. Wouldn't you rather let him go now? I mean, if he had hidden her from you, married you and then had a long affair with her, it would hurt you alot more than it is now. There is also a chance that he is just purely mixed up, depression and drinking - His head isn't where it should be and he's acting out, being mean and selfish. DO you want that type of man? Even if you love him? My guess is no - IN the long run as painful as it is now, he did you a big favour. Also, this is why NC is important, you can't read into anything he says, especially online. It just happens, that is out of your control right now because your emotions and heart were so invested in him, you can't even begin to think he'd pull this crap on you and leave... You did NOTHING wrong. It's all him. Don't blame yourself...Please. It isn't your doing at all.
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I feel like it IS my fault because he tried to blame me and now look I am alone and he is happy...seems like I did something wrong. It just sucks. I want him to try and contact me again...but I know I may have missed my window of oppurtunity. He did say he was in love with this OW...but if he was...would he text message me? I think he is just depressed, drunk, etc. I don't think this is love. But, I also need to realize what he has done to me. It's just so hard...because right now all the good still outways the bad. As hard as that seems. Seriously. I wish I found LS before we broke up. I feel like all this advice could have been so helpful in the beginning when I was chasing him around. I am scared he will never try to come back to me...I feel like that will ruin me.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I don't know him, only what you've said here and I don't know what you two shared together before he left. All I know is, people don't just up and leave unless they have someone waiting for them, or they are messed up in the head. Again, this isn't your fault. You didn't push him into the arms of someone else, that was his choice. You did'nt push him to drink and be depressed. You say he's suffered depression before? Well, it's a lifetime thing, depression like that doesn't ever go away, though it can be managed. He is a broken man, that is what it comes down to...So putting blame on yourself is really not a good thing and it's serving no purpose for you except making yourself feel worse than you already do. Maybe right now there are no answers, which is why you are frustrated.
michaelk Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Consider this: His message didn't say anything about wanting you back. After what he did and said to you, if we was trying to come back, you'd know it. He'd have his tail between his legs. Have you thought that maybe he's fishing because he wants to know that you're there pining for him? Not so that he can come back, but just as an ego stroke - or so that he'll know you're a safety net for him. Given what he's done so far, I wouldn't put these purely selfish motives past him.
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Thanks again WW. I don't know what the heck to think anymore. He does have depression and I think bipolar disorder. He is very messed up in the head. So...that could very well factor in to what he is/was doing. It's just hard to think that everything we had was so easy to throw away/forget. Our life together was pretty normal. We fought like normal couples...but most of the times our fights were about alcohol and money or lack of money due to alcohol consumption. I am not perfect in this either. I have 3 siblings each who was or is addicted to opiates. A lot of times they would get in trouble and I would help them. Give them money, bail them out, whatever. So our money went to that as well. But, that was only a few times in DESPERATE times and most of the times it was paid back. I don't have a father and my mom is an alcoholic so I really am the glue that holds my family together. If I wasn't there to help...things could have been a lot worse. I know this bothered him...and we would fight about it, but I had to help them. When he was going through his stint in rehab or didn't have a job...I helped him too. I can't imagine he would make this decision to leave me and treat me this way because I helped my family...but he did try to blame that saying all I cared about was my family...so...u never know. Anyway, other than that...we had a nice life. He was always very loving and alway telling everyone and myself how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to marry me. So...this was very shocking. Perhaps that is also why I am having a hard time getting over this?
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Consider this: His message didn't say anything about wanting you back. After what he did and said to you, if we was trying to come back, you'd know it. He'd have his tail between his legs. True. Maybe one day he will...I thought this was the beginning of that but what do I know. I also thought he loved me. I was actually happy he text messaged me. Made me feel like I had some control back. Perhaps I read in to it too much? I guess I just still see him as that man who still loves me with all his heart. I still think he wants to be with me and can't imagine himself without me. I keep forgetting he's shown me no reason to feel that way. Sad huh? Denial is a strong emotion and plays wicked head games. Have you thought that maybe he's fishing because he wants to know that you're there pining for him? Not so that he can come back, but just as an ego stroke - or so that he'll know you're a safety net for him. Given what he's done so far, I wouldn't put these purely selfish motives past him. WOW. I didn't even think of this. If this is true...that would be very sad. I can't even imagine doing that to someone you once loved. I hope that's not why he contacted me. But...maybe it is? Who knows with him anymore. Of course I am still here...but I am not showing that. If he really is that big of an @sshole which I guess he has been showing me he is...I shouldn't put any of this past him. Man, this blows!
michaelk Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 WOW. I didn't even think of this. If this is true...that would be very sad. I can't even imagine doing that to someone you once loved. I hope that's not why he contacted me. But...maybe it is? Who knows with him anymore. Of course I am still here...but I am not showing that. If he really is that big of an @sshole which I guess he has been showing me he is...I shouldn't put any of this past him. Man, this blows! Well, I'm not claiming to understand what he's doing or why. As I've said, we can't know what's going on inside his head. But as someone who's cheated before, I'm just trying to get you to see his actions from alternative points of view. Someone in an affair doesn't act rationally, and you'll find yourself surprised at what they're willing to do.
Author Confused9 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Yeah...we never do know though do we? He's moved on. Why he text messaged me...I don't know, but, if he wanted me back he would try harder and he isn't trying so... This is just dreadful. It rips apart your whole being. I don't even know who I am without him.
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