ChickPea Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 please help me, I'm going insane. I have been working with someone, someone who is happily married, with whom have developed very strong feelings for. Nothing has happened, these are my secret feelings, I don't think he has noticed (I desperately hope) that he doesn't notice my infatuation with him. And I really hope that the others I work with don't notice this either, I would just die as being seen like that. We have only spoken about a few personal things like after work drinks and of course about work. The problem is he is such a lovely person, and has been so sweet with me, I really can't get him out of my head, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to think about him 24/7, it's making me go mad. I've recently moved offices since I need to get away from seeing him every day, although I know that I will have to work with him from time to time. There is so much advice out there for people who are in affairs but is there any advice on how to stop having feelings for someone you have never been with, as I really don't want to make a tit of myself. 6 months ago I left my boyfriend of 3 years after I discovered very suddenly that he couldn't and wouldn't remain faithful. Up until very recently I hadn't wanted to talk to or be near any man, until recently, this guy has stirred me up. I have slowly started to built up the courage to join some dating sites in the new year, although I have very little confidence in meeting anyone, anyone decent. I am now 36 and it's a hard age to meet anyone. But at most I want to be free of these feelings I have for this married man so that it doesn't close doors for me finding someone else.
Lizzie60 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I'm afraid that the only advices you can get is to stay away from him. ... Whenever you start thinking about him.. change your mind.. do something else. Keep busy... don't try to see him or be around him... stay away as much as you can.... I'm afraid there is not much you can do other than that.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 6 months ago I left my boyfriend of 3 years after I discovered very suddenly that he couldn't and wouldn't remain faithful. Up until very recently I hadn't wanted to talk to or be near any man, until recently, this guy has stirred me up. Loneliness can really do a number on you if you let it. The trick is not so much in the “not feeling” ... but rather remaining rational enough to not to get so carried away with someone paying attention to you that you begin to act out foolishly on those impulses and urges. Believe me, loneliness will make you particularly vulnerable and those with less than admirable intentions will almost smell it on you and will be quick to take advantage. If he’s an honorable man with good intentions, he’ll be flattered but respect you enough to say “thanks, but no thanks.” At best, you may walk away feeling a little embarrassed. But if he’s the WRONG kind of guy (the kind of man who would cheat on his partner like the one you already had) ... than you’ll be setting yourself up for more of the same treatment you got in your last relationship. And the pain and humiliation of that will hurt even worse. For your own sake, please try not to allow your libido to trick your head into believing otherwise. I say ... time to get out there a try the dating thing. The more you do it, the less shy and self-conscious you’ll feel. OF COURSE ... you’re going to meet more losers than keepers (we all do), but the best part about dating is to approach it with a sense of humor and light heartedness so that you don’t get too frustrated, discouraged or just end up settling for whomever comes along. The more fish you toss back, the closer you’ll be to finding a real “keeper”. Think about it as a way of meeting new people and making new friends ... and NOT as a dash-n-grab last minute sale on nabbing potential husbands. TAKE YOUR TIME SHOPPING, be just as picky and selective as you like, and if you’re not 100% satisfied return it for a full trade-in BEFORE you buy.
Meaplus3 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 please help me, I'm going insane. I have been working with someone, someone who is happily married, with whom have developed very strong feelings for. Nothing has happened, these are my secret feelings, I don't think he has noticed (I desperately hope) that he doesn't notice my infatuation with him. And I really hope that the others I work with don't notice this either, I would just die as being seen like that. We have only spoken about a few personal things like after work drinks and of course about work. The problem is he is such a lovely person, and has been so sweet with me, I really can't get him out of my head, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to think about him 24/7, it's making me go mad. I've recently moved offices since I need to get away from seeing him every day, although I know that I will have to work with him from time to time. There is so much advice out there for people who are in affairs but is there any advice on how to stop having feelings for someone you have never been with, as I really don't want to make a tit of myself. 6 months ago I left my boyfriend of 3 years after I discovered very suddenly that he couldn't and wouldn't remain faithful. Up until very recently I hadn't wanted to talk to or be near any man, until recently, this guy has stirred me up. I have slowly started to built up the courage to join some dating sites in the new year, although I have very little confidence in meeting anyone, anyone decent. I am now 36 and it's a hard age to meet anyone. But at most I want to be free of these feelings I have for this married man so that it doesn't close doors for me finding someone else. Chickpea, You have the perfect opportunity to stop these feeling's right now since nothing at all has happened between you and this mm. You changed office's and that's a step in the right direction! When you say you have drink's after work with him are you two alone or with other's? What has caused you to fall for this guy? Look, whatever you do, DO NOT let your crush on him be known as you will regret it. I did let my feeling's be known and it was the worse mistake I have made in my life. BTW 36 is not to old to meet someone who's single! I'm sure there are a ton other available men out there for you, you just need to look. Good luck. AP:)
Author ChickPea Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 thanks for your comments Lizzie60 and EnigmaXOXO I still have to work with him, but will have to get back in to not hanging around the team. Believe me, loneliness will make you particularly vulnerable and those with less than admirable intentions will almost smell it on you and will be quick to take advantage. , this is so right, this is what happened with the last boyfriend. we started to go out only 7 months after the last sudden break up I had gone through. I was possibly too vulnerable at the time. But now I have lost confidence in my sense of judgement in men. I have no idea what to look out for so not to get in that mess again. How does anyone maintain a clear head in making these decisions when is lonely and in need of affection. Even though friends would consider me sociable I really don't find it easy talking to people, I'm not great at small talk, so it's hard for me to judge a potential partner.
Author ChickPea Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 thanks for your comments Lizzie60 and EnigmaXOXO I still have to work with him, but will have to get back in to not hanging around the team. Believe me, loneliness will make you particularly vulnerable and those with less than admirable intentions will almost smell it on you and will be quick to take advantage. , this is so right, this is what happened with the last boyfriend. we started to go out only 7 months after the last sudden break up I had gone through. I was possibly too vulnerable at the time. But now I have lost confidence in my sense of judgement in men. I have no idea what to look out for so not to get in that mess again. How does anyone maintain a clear head in making these decisions when is lonely and in need of affection. Even though friends would consider me sociable I really don't find it easy talking to people, I'm not great at small talk, so it's hard for me to judge a potential partner.
Author ChickPea Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 We have been out socially in a group. Although a while back he mentioned he wanted to take me out to dinner as he was concerned about how I was feeling on the project we were both on together. I think he was literally just being caring as I was having a tough time. I do think he is the honourable man with the good intentions, which of course is very attractive. There are so many pigs out there and I think his kindness was what made me melt. BTW: we never did go for the dinner. I have told friends (outside of work). Problem is I know that some friends are so cynical about relationships and are convinced that no one has a happy marriage and that everyone is unfaithful, but even though I have gone through what I have gone through with the last guy I am clinging on to the hope that there is some honesty out there. I have always been loyal and would expect that someone to have some of the same values. I would hate to see another person crap on someone else. Just not sure I will know how to find it, or to be able to spot it if it comes my way.
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 6 months ago I left my boyfriend of 3 years after I discovered very suddenly that he couldn't and wouldn't remain faithful. So, you know the pain that cheating brings...Why would you want to help this MM inflict this pain on his wife and betray his whole family? with the last guy I am clinging on to the hope that there is some honesty out there And getting to know and become involved with a MM isn't going to prove that to you. All it will do is show you that a married man can cheat on his wife and break his vows. Don't be the OW. You deserve better and more. So, keep it as a crush, don't say word. It is what it is...Nothing more, nothing less... In the meantime, do your best to detach from him, don't be a buddy/friend with him anymore, all that will do is let your feelings grow more. There are so many pigs out there and I think his kindness was what made me melt But he is married. So his kindness to you is inappropriate, especially if you think it's leading somewhere. It's selfish kindness if he is being wonderful to you in hopes that 'something' will happen.
Meaplus3 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 We have been out socially in a group. Although a while back he mentioned he wanted to take me out to dinner as he was concerned about how I was feeling on the project we were both on together. I think he was literally just being caring as I was having a tough time. I do think he is the honourable man with the good intentions, which of course is very attractive. There are so many pigs out there and I think his kindness was what made me melt. BTW: we never did go for the dinner. I have told friends (outside of work). Problem is I know that some friends are so cynical about relationships and are convinced that no one has a happy marriage and that everyone is unfaithful, but even though I have gone through what I have gone through with the last guy I am clinging on to the hope that there is some honesty out there. I have always been loyal and would expect that someone to have some of the same values. I would hate to see another person crap on someone else. Just not sure I will know how to find it, or to be able to spot it if it comes my way. That's a good thing that you did not have that dinner, if he offer's again let him know it's inappropriate. Look, if this guy is such an honerable man with good intention's he would not be giving you so much attention. The mm I was involved with soun'ds very much like him. He was great at the good guy act and yes that is very attractive, but very, very deceiving. I would only have contact with him when it's an absolute must for your career. AP:)
Lyssa Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 BTW: we never did go for the dinner. A wise thing. Avoid going out with him - just the two of you. It will only complicate things even more if you did. I have always been loyal and would expect that someone to have some of the same values. Then avoid the MM and date SGs. I would advice women who is thinking of getting involve with a MM to step back and think really hard about it! It's not easy. Not all MM would leave their Ws for OW unless they are really not happy in their M.
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