misha Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Here is the problem. I´ve been living together with my boyfriend for around 3 years.He has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I met him when he was married but the relationship was dead and maybe I was the direct reason. The problem is the usual:kids, weekend visitaions! I must admit that I don´t see them that often because in good weather(not skiing season) he drives with the kids to spend the weekend at his parents(in another area). When they stay over night(staturday to sunday eve only) I get upset. Not because I don´t like them really, but I don´t really like anyone spending the weekend over in my place on the only couch I have(its mine), watching tv and making noise! I sit then in my office room, ignoring everyone, just being careless really, not bad or mean.I could live with the situation but it´s just that my boyfriend who abviously wants more! I have no kids, not intending to have any, started my own business 4 years ago, very busy really. have my friends,gym, comfortable routine with my boyfriend. Despite all that I am ready to accep the weekend visitation since they are not very frequent on a condition to be left alone and not to have to speak to anyone if I don´t want to! I mean I say hi and how are you but more I am not intersted in knowing and I don´t like askign questions when I am not intersted in the answer. My boyfriend consider my selfish and cold(somewhat I can understand him) it´s just I don´t feel like having to talk to anyone when I am not in the mood to! I usually go out with friend on their weekends and Sunday I like my peace to work and have few cups of coffee,etc. I don´t want him to leave his kids, nor to spend less time with them. I love the feedom I have, I just wanna be left alone when I have time to do so!is it a big deal really?
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 So your boyfriend wants you to be more involved and you don't want to, because of the kids? Sorry, I'm not too sure what you mean... Okay, this man has come witih baggage aka the kids - They come first and always will. He won't turn his back on them, or stop spending time with them - So if you feel that you aren't being put 1st enough, then end it with him because men with kids will always put their kids needs first - As it should be.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Despite all that I am ready to accep the weekend visitation since they are not very frequent on a condition to be left alone and not to have to speak to anyone if I don´t want to! I mean I say hi and how are you but more I am not intersted in knowing and I don´t like askign questions when I am not intersted in the answer. My boyfriend consider my selfish and cold(somewhat I can understand him) it´s just I don´t feel like having to talk to anyone when I am not in the mood to! I usually go out with friend on their weekends and Sunday I like my peace to work and have few cups of coffee,etc. I don´t want him to leave his kids, nor to spend less time with them. I love the feedom I have, I just wanna be left alone when I have time to do so!is it a big deal really? Your boyfriend is right...and it's a big deal... He has children and they're the first priority for now, get over the weekend visitations, that's not very much time... You knew he had kids when you got together...It's a package deal... I really don't know why he'd want to stay with someone who has such an awful attitude about his kids...You don't sound like a very nice person...
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 witih That should read 'with'. tried to fix that, but GEL posted before I got the chance to..
Author misha Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 thanks for your reply. I would have probably said the same if i were you, but I am in a different position. I guess I muset be a nice person since his kids like me despite the way I am. I am not *not* nice to them, I just want a boyfriend without any serious commitment at the moment(can´t tell the future,can we!). I always knew he has kids, but he never accepted to sit and tell me what he expects from me. I love him and didn´t know what to expect since I was never with a man who has kids before! I buy them stuff whenever I travel,etc. It´s just the regular commitment that I don´t want. Sometimes I am in the mood and sometimes I am not.
Author misha Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Easier said than done. when you love someone, it´s not so easy to break off the relationship. Beside I don´t want him to give up on his kids or sth.I just don´t know what to do. Hope he just leave me alone and enjoy his time with his kids. I mean I don´t know how am gonna feel about the whole thing in the future! So your boyfriend wants you to be more involved and you don't want to, because of the kids? Sorry, I'm not too sure what you mean... Okay, this man has come witih baggage aka the kids - They come first and always will. He won't turn his back on them, or stop spending time with them - So if you feel that you aren't being put 1st enough, then end it with him because men with kids will always put their kids needs first - As it should be.
Lizzie60 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hum... I say move on.. leave him... This man has responsibility... his kids... and they should come first. Or maybe you can tell him that whenever he has the kids, you don't want to be around, it would be your weekend off. Not to be rude but if a man would act the way you do with him .. he would be gone... I would never accept someone who doesn't accept my kids. You cannot be 'nice' one day and 'ignoring' them the next.. kids are not stupid.. they can read people very well... I say... for the kids' sake, leave him. They must feel very uncomfortable and it's not fair to them... they didn't ask to be in that situation.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I guess I muset be a nice person since his kids like me despite the way I am. I am not *not* nice to them, I just want a boyfriend without any serious commitment at the moment(can´t tell the future,can we!). I always knew he has kids, but he never accepted to sit and tell me what he expects from me. I love him and didn´t know what to expect since I was never with a man who has kids before! I buy them stuff whenever I travel,etc. It´s just the regular commitment that I don´t want. Sometimes I am in the mood and sometimes I am not. You know kids are funny...I know of a teacher who totally rips into boys in her class and even made them stand in corners...and ya know what? They never told their parents and said she's a nice lady...So kids aren't good barometers of what "nice" is...But your words are a barometer of who you are and you don't like kids and don't want to be around them... And if you really loved your boyfriend, you'd be doing whatever you could so those kids would love you and he'd think you were great partner material...And you're not wanting a committment so I'm not sure why you're still there... Parenthood is a full-time job, doesn't matter your mood...There are great benefits to it and joys that childless people will never know...It's a gift to be a parent...If you can't see that, then you should move on...
OWoman Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Parenting isn't for everyone. But if you're serious about this guy you're going to have to deal with the kids. They're not going anywhere and your relationship with them is going to get in the way of your relationship with your bf if he thinks your actions are problematic. Hey, I'm not a kid person either, but I've step-parented and parented kids into independence, so it can be done. (Grit your teeth, close your eyes...) Seriously, best bet I reckon would be to spend some time with them alone, without your bf, and get to know them as people in their own right - not just as the rather irritating appendages attached to your bf sometimes.
NoIDidn't Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Were the kids considered part of his other life like his W? He had kids before, they don't just disappear afterwards. Would it be too hard to accommodate him and the kids on the weekends by at least engaging them more than just "hi"? Its only the weekends, for now. You might actually like the fact that you can send them back to their mother when you want your space back.
whichwayisup Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Well, reality has made an appearence and the fantasy/fun/free spirited affair life is over, so now it's up to you to decide if this is what you want or how serious you want things to be. You can tell him that his time with the kids is HIS time and not to include you at all and only call and see you when his kids aren't around...Maybe for a little while he'll be okay with that, but eventually that will wear thin and he'll either ask you to be more included in ALL aspects of his life or he'll break up with you. If you aren't liking kids in general, let alone his and you don't want to be a stepmom in the future, end it now before you both get hurt badly.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 The thing about parents (whether men or women) is that they come with kids. Kids can be viewed upon as baggage or assets. Depending on the children, I suppose one's opinion could go either way. I've seen it all. If you want to stay with this man and create a future, the children are a part of that future. They aren't going away (to his credit) so you have two choices. You accept them as part of your family, or you don't. My guess is that he will not accept YOU as part of HIS family if you don't accept the kids. I couldn't. We're a package deal, and a sweet one, at that! Have you ever known the love of a child? It's quite special, even if the child is not yours. They can be very loving and unconcerned about how others see you if you treat them right. A child's love is so pure and committed. They don't care about your past transgressions, only about today. In a perfect world, today can easily be overcome by yesterday, and the day before. A child looks at that. They do get angry, but they forgive quite easily as well. Any anger shown to a child is easily tempered by the love shown. I say this based on relationships with many children who are not related to me, as well as my own children. Give the kids a chance and I think you might overcome your discomfort very quickly and actually enjoy their visit. Yes, it will take some adjustment on the part of all, but give it a try before you make other choices.
amaysngrace Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 You should leave this situation as soon as possible to go have your freedom. You don't love your BF. If you did you'd make an attempt to love his kids. And the kids have been through enough by having divorced parents. The last thing they need is a woman at their dad's house making them feel bad for being on the couch.
Lyssa Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 Everyone has said what I wanted to and no point in repeating them but I must say that it is a big deal. Maybe you're just not cut out to be around kids. I didn't like kids much until my first SIL had a daughter and I began to love kids! My BF has 2 kids from his previous M - I know that to be part of his life, I have to accept his kids as well and I have no problem with that. I don't see them as a burden. You love your freedom so the best thing to do is leave and have all the freedom that you can have as a single person. His kids will always be his number one priority and I don't think you can deal with that if you feel this way about his kids.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 18, 2007 Posted December 18, 2007 I say you move on too. As a parent who has been in a similar situation I can say that nothing sucks worse than being with someone who won't tolerate kids in their life even on a limited basis. It makes you feel that they are trying to make you choose between your children and them. Guess who loses in the end? If you don't move on, he will eventually wise up and get rid of you anyway if you keep up the attitude you have toward his kids. Unless of course, he is the sort who dumps his children for some woman. I doubt that's the case though. There are plenty of single men out there without the "baggage" you wish to avoid. Perhaps you should look into it before things get worse for you.
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