So...how does online dating work?

[Zapbasket]

I've always scoffed at online dating. I think you should focus your time on doing things that interest you and meeting people just for the social contact and with an openness to where interactions might lead (friendship, romance, expanded worldview, business opportunities, etc.). I think there's something weird about actively looking for a partner and not just getting out there, living your life, and trusting that as you're human and social, it will happen when it's meant to happen.

 

I still believe these things but recently I joined match.com as a way of contemplating the possibility of a new relationship, to help me "get over" my ex. ANyone have any tips or experiences regarding how this works? I immediately delete any profile that has no picture; I don't respond to "winks" because I think if someone cannot take the time to compose a basic friendly e-mail they're not worth MY time. But I don't know what to do with the e-mailing. Everywhere I go I'm deemed very attractive and my pictures on my profile exhibit that, I think. But I've written a lot of e-mails to guys and have only had a couple of responses and I wonder what I could be doing wrong. I keep my e-mails brief, breezy, and I respond to things in their profile, e.g., "I see you like skiing. I love to ski. What's your favorite ski spot?" It's strange because I"m not having success yet online dating, but when I go out I'm constantly hit on and I'm very confident that I can talk up anyone and pretty much always get a good response. I feel MUCH more comfortable when out than on this online dating site!

 

The other thing I don't get is...I don't want to waste time e-mailing with a stranger. E-mails don't tell you much and really nor does a person's profile. If I think they're attractive and sound reasonably interesting in their profile, I'd rather arrange to meet them for a coffee pretty much right away and then take it from there (or hightail it out of there!). Would it be too forward to write to guys and tell them so?

 

Any tips? Any success stories, failure stories, horror stories? I stupidly signed on for 6 months of this so I want to make the most of it. I'd mostly just like to meet some interesting people and if something happened, then great. But I'd like it to be enriching and not just an expensive time-waster.

 

Thanks!

[sunshinegirl]

Hi GC!

 

I did a fair amount of internet dating before meeting my boyfriend.

 

You might consider offering a *little* bit more about yourself in your emails. Rather than say "I love skiing too, where's your favorite ski spot?" you could add a few sentences on YOUR favorite ski spot or vacation, what you liked about it... and then ask what theirs is. See? It gives them a bit more of a window into who you are.

 

You still might not get responses to every email you send - people are funny in internet dating land and sometimes flake for no apparent reason. Still, you might have more luck if you inject a bit more of YOU into your emails.

 

Good luck!

[oppath]

First, understand that men often have to email 10 women -- and I'm talking non generic, find something interesting and specific in their profile emails -- to get 1 response. It's not uncommon for men, even if they are selective, to contact 20 women to get 1 date. With me it's more 1 in 10, but the 9/10 often don't write back. What you are experiencing is part of the game for both genders. You have to contact a lot of people. Talking to other men who have done online dating, I'm more successful. You just have to contact a lot of people.

 

And nothing is wrong with pushing for coffee early though I prefer 3-4 emails, not on the first response. I do not want to talk on the phone. Talking on the phone, in my opinion, is not any better than email if you've never met the person. So much chemistry and personality are revealed face to face and on the phone someone can be nervous, tired, etc.

 

Only use online dating to supplement dating through other ways.

[Zapbasket]

Oppath, you made me feel better. I've sent out 13 e-mails to 8 men (had the beginning of a correspondence with 3 of them, 2 of those with the ball left in my court). The ones that e-mail me out of the blue...*shudder* So I guess that's not so bad.

 

I don't want to talk on the phone, either. When you get to the 3rd or 4th e-mail, are you the one to suggest a meet-up? Or does she? I wonder about coming off as too forward. In person I'm not shy exactly but especially if I'm interested in a guy I let him take the lead; if he doesn't I do little things to SHOW him I want him to take the lead and he'll get a good response if he does. But my style in general with e-mail is to Get It Done. i really don't want to spend more time online than I have to.... Can you describe to me a successful e-mail exchange that results in a date?

 

Sunshinegirl, thanks. I *do* try to inject myself into the e-mails and with some of them, partly because I'm struggling to take the whole online dating thing seriously, I can be quite flirtatious (in a non-sexual way). Usually when I'm flirtatious it's in response to something humorous in their profile. I guess I iwonder, as a woman, what works with a guy online?

 

Also, question for anyone: what's the first date like? Any tips? What if you go and realize that while the person is great to talk with, etc., you don't feel you want to date them? Is online dating more formalized than regular dating where you're obligated to tell them you don't see yourself dating them if that becomes apparent to you after the first date? Meaning, how do expectations differ from regular dating? Are guys online mostly just out for a booty call?

[sunshinegirl]

OPP is right. Part of it is just a numbers game.

 

Also, question for anyone: what's the first date like? Any tips? What if you go and realize that while the person is great to talk with, etc., you don't feel you want to date them? Is online dating more formalized than regular dating where you're obligated to tell them you don't see yourself dating them if that becomes apparent to you after the first date? Meaning, how do expectations differ from regular dating? Are guys online mostly just out for a booty call?

 

I often tried to make the first get-together very casual, brief, and in a public place. I think most guys (worth getting to know, anyway) understand that a woman has safety issues to think about. So I was a big coffee- or drinks- date dater - "let's meet at Starbucks" or "let's have a drink at XX bar" (that I knew well, had my own transportation home from, and had told friends where I would be).

 

And I learned to get really good at being clear after the date whether I wanted to continue. If I didn't feel it, I would send an email the next day thanking them for a lovely time, trying to name something I found interesting about them ("really enjoyed hearing about your travels through the Himalayas!"), and then saying something along the lines of "...I'm sorry to say I just didn't feel that 'spark'... so I do wish you all the best...".

 

That sounds kinda cheesy, I should look through my old emails to find the language I actually used because it was pretty decent. Anyway, I do think there are more expectations from online dating than other fora. So I do think you have to be more clear about your intentions and interests.

 

In all, my online dating experiences really bolstered my self-confidence ("wow, I really am a catch!"), and improved my ability to say no clearly, and kindly.

[oppath]

Greencove, I go into a date with the attitude "I am here to have a good conversation with someone new, and since I'm a good conversationalist, this evening is going to be good even if the person is not my match." As a result I've never had a bad online date. It's not uncommon to not puruse a second date. Sometimes I tell them right there "I enjoyed meeting you but don't feel we are a match" and sometimes I email them the next day. Sometimes I'm on the fence, wanting to give them a second date, but if it does not happen easily, I may be busy and flake. Flakiness is bigger online because you aren't connected to these people through friends, classes, etc. You will flake too! You won't be upfront. It just happens, so when it happens to you, understand it isn't a big deal.

 

I typically suggest the meeting. I'll say "there is this event at this art musuem and they have a dj and a bar this thursday; I'd love to meet you if you'd like to join me. What's your schedule like?" This gives them the opportunity to accept what I want to do, or if they are busy, they are essentially expected to make a counter offer. Really, at this point, if they can't say "Thursday isn't good, which is too bad because that sounds fun, but I'll be free Sunday evening if you'd like to meet me then for coffee," then I'll likely lose interest.

 

I've also had women suggest the meeting and it doesn't turn me off at all. I'm all for it...unless they want to go out again the next day after our first date!

 

And no dinners...unless it is pizza and air hockey.

[sb129]

You have to contact a lot of people. Talking to other men who have done online dating, I'm more successful. You just have to contact a lot of people.

 

And nothing is wrong with pushing for coffee early though I prefer 3-4 emails, not on the first response. I do not want to talk on the phone. Talking on the phone, in my opinion, is not any better than email if you've never met the person. So much chemistry and personality are revealed face to face and on the phone someone can be nervous, tired, etc.

 

Only use online dating to supplement dating through other ways.

 

I absolutely agree with this. Online dating is a starting point, and IME, I only emailed back a forth a few times before agreeing (or not) to meet.

Talking on the phone can be very nerve wracking and Oppath is right, its a poor substitute for meeting in person.

 

Also, question for anyone: what's the first date like? Any tips? What if you go and realize that while the person is great to talk with, etc., you don't feel you want to date them? Is online dating more formalized than regular dating where you're obligated to tell them you don't see yourself dating them if that becomes apparent to you after the first date? Meaning, how do expectations differ from regular dating? Are guys online mostly just out for a booty call?

 

 

I met my fiance Wonderboy online. He was the only one I met in person. I emailed a few people, one very politely said he didn't think we would be compatible, and another wasn't quite what I was looking for.

 

After a few emails, I arranged to meet WB at a London tube station and we would go for a coffee. I had to catch a train back home later that afternoon, which was a useful reason to leave if it didn't got well.

 

I had sat a very important prestigious exam two days earlier, and I was A MILLION times more nervous before the date. I was sweating, shaky, got on the wrong tube train, (I never do that) and nearly decided to bottle out.

 

When we met, the first 5-10 minutes were awkward and after that we didn't stop talking. In fact, he came with me to the train station, but I ended up missing my train back home, and he stayed with me in a pub until it came. Turned out we were from the same area of the same country, and our families knew eachother. Nothing physical happened on the first date, but I was smitten (and so was he). We got engaged on our trip to New York in October exactly one year after that first date.

[sb129]

In all, my online dating experiences really bolstered my self-confidence ("wow, I really am a catch!"), and improved my ability to say no clearly, and kindly.

 

I agree with this too. I think it gave my confidence an enormous boost, and its good for your communication skills, especially if you have been out of the dating game for while.

[Zapbasket]

And I learned to get really good at being clear after the date whether I wanted to continue. If I didn't feel it, I would send an email the next day thanking them for a lovely time, trying to name something I found interesting about them ("really enjoyed hearing about your travels through the Himalayas!"), and then saying something along the lines of "...I'm sorry to say I just didn't feel that 'spark'... so I do wish you all the best...".

 

That sounds kinda cheesy, I should look through my old emails to find the language I actually used because it was pretty decent. Anyway, I do think there are more expectations from online dating than other fora. So I do think you have to be more clear about your intentions and interests.

 

That's what I thought: that the expectations are much more explicit in online dating. You're not just randomly meeting; the whole context for your meeting is the possibility of romance. I think one thing that intimidates me about online dating is that it's all about making a very clear choice for or against based on little information. I suppose you do that in real life, too...but you don't have to act on it. Admittedly I am a queen of stringing guys along, not to be manipulative but because even when I fail to feel a spark and on some level I *know* I'd never want that person, I'm always open to the possibility of being suddenly moved to consider something I'd never have considered before.

 

So how do you handle being so blunt? Is it made easier by the fact that you are explicitly meeting up for the possibility of romance? I mean, on Friday I went to a party hosted by meetup.com. I knew no one, and started talking to this guy and we ended up talking most of the evening. I really enjoyed him, but I don't want to date him, and now he called me today asking if I want to go have dinner with him tonight. Usually I just hide out and hope they get the point, but I feel bad, because I might like to be friends withi him. So how do you handle something like that? It seems awfully much to call him back and say, "I liked getting to know you on friday and meeting for dinner would be fun, but I just wnat to be clear that this is not a date." I mean, OUCH!, right? So to avoid hurting feelings I just never respond to the calls and it's a shame because then they give up and I've missed out on possibly having a new friend Is there a better way to handle this?

 

You see, I haven't dated in over 5 years because I was in a relationship. I'm only 31 and before meeting my ex when I was 25, I wasn't really much of a dater; I was very shy and not into the early-20s guys and so ended up dating men 15-20 years older than me. So really, I've never played the dating game at all! I think I do pretty well "by feel," but I worry that maybe I'm not as sophisticated at it as I should be at age 31. Maybe I need to turn this thread into a tutorial for myself! All advice is welcome .

 

In all, my online dating experiences really bolstered my self-confidence ("wow, I really am a catch!"), and improved my ability to say no clearly, and kindly.

[sb129]

You should always reply. You can say no in a nice way.

 

You could just say to the guy, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night, and I would really like to get to know you as a friend.

 

Just be honest. People appreciate honesty, and tend not to hold against you in the long term.

[sb129]

Avoiding calls can be hurtful, even if you are turning down the man, its better than not returning his call.

 

Greencove, its all a learning experience. If something good comes out of it along the way (and the chances of that happening are definitely there if you stick with it), its a bonus!

[Zapbasket]

Greencove, I go into a date with the attitude "I am here to have a good conversation with someone new, and since I'm a good conversationalist, this evening is going to be good even if the person is not my match." As a result I've never had a bad online date. It's not uncommon to not puruse a second date. Sometimes I tell them right there "I enjoyed meeting you but don't feel we are a match" and sometimes I email them the next day. Sometimes I'm on the fence, wanting to give them a second date, but if it does not happen easily, I may be busy and flake. Flakiness is bigger online because you aren't connected to these people through friends, classes, etc. You will flake too! You won't be upfront. It just happens, so when it happens to you, understand it isn't a big deal.

 

I typically suggest the meeting. I'll say "there is this event at this art musuem and they have a dj and a bar this thursday; I'd love to meet you if you'd like to join me. What's your schedule like?" This gives them the opportunity to accept what I want to do, or if they are busy, they are essentially expected to make a counter offer. Really, at this point, if they can't say "Thursday isn't good, which is too bad because that sounds fun, but I'll be free Sunday evening if you'd like to meet me then for coffee," then I'll likely lose interest.

 

I've also had women suggest the meeting and it doesn't turn me off at all. I'm all for it...unless they want to go out again the next day after our first date!

 

And no dinners...unless it is pizza and air hockey.

 

No, I'd never want to do dinner on a first date--no way to escape and then there's the whole awkwardness of who pays. I, too, am a good conversationalist and I can make most any interaction into something positive. But I worry that that asset will make guys I'm 100% uninterested in think I'm interested, and make shy guys intimidated because they'll think I'm one of those take-over types (which I'm really not). I'll make a note of not suggesting we meet up the next day!--though I, too, like to have a little space after a first date just to take in the experience and have a chance to sort out my impressions.

 

So you've really said right on the spot that you don't think you're a match? What has the response been like? What do you do if you think they're really interesting on a friend-level, but you KNOW there's NO chance of a romance developing? Do you say that? What if you're not quite sure? I mean, once you get to date 4 or 5, is there a clear expectation that there has to be some real romantic interest? I've been hanging out with a guy for the past 1.5 months; we met on an outdoors club trip and have met one on one and in a group at least 5 or 6 times since. I like him a lot, but I know we're not compatible even though he's really into me--and it seems more so each time we see each other. I've kissed him because yes, I have the hormones of an adolescent boy and yes, he's attractive...but I don't want to be his girlfriend and I don't want a fling. He keeps asking me, "Should I just give up?" and I never know how to answer. What would you want a woman to do? Do the rules differ for you in online versus offline dating?

[oppath]

I've kissed him because yes, I have the hormones of an adolescent boy and yes, he's attractive...but I don't want to be his girlfriend and I don't want a fling. He keeps asking me, "Should I just give up?" and I never know how to answer. What would you want a woman to do? Do the rules differ for you in online versus offline dating?

 

Be honest with him. Repeat you don't want a relationship with him and aren't interested in a fling, so while you have been flirting and kissing, you only want to be friends, and that is not going to change because you feel you are too different from each other.

 

The rules do not differ online vs. off. If you've gone on 4-5 one-on-one dates, yes, I'd say people should be hopeful or feeling some romance. It's not how you meet, it is who you meet, and you have the potential to be duped online or off.

 

As for friends? I don't do it. I've offered it but really, I'm on a dating site to find dates. I wouldn't want to explain to a future gf "this is my friend I met on a dating site." I am not opposed to it happening, I just wonder "what's the point?" The reason I'm on dating site is to find dates. For friends and a social life, I join sports teams and a hiking group, etc.

[Zapbasket]

I met my fiance Wonderboy online. He was the only one I met in person. I emailed a few people, one very politely said he didn't think we would be compatible, and another wasn't quite what I was looking for.

 

After a few emails, I arranged to meet WB at a London tube station and we would go for a coffee. I had to catch a train back home later that afternoon, which was a useful reason to leave if it didn't got well.

 

I had sat a very important prestigious exam two days earlier, and I was A MILLION times more nervous before the date. I was sweating, shaky, got on the wrong tube train, (I never do that) and nearly decided to bottle out.

 

When we met, the first 5-10 minutes were awkward and after that we didn't stop talking. In fact, he came with me to the train station, but I ended up missing my train back home, and he stayed with me in a pub until it came. Turned out we were from the same area of the same country, and our families knew eachother. Nothing physical happened on the first date, but I was smitten (and so was he). We got engaged on our trip to New York in October exactly one year after that first date.

 

SB129, what a beautiful story! That's it, isn't it--when you just feel that click. It happens so rarely, whether for friendship or romance...you go along not feeling it and wondering if you're putting out wrong signals and then, BAM! someone comes along and everything makes sense all of a sudden. You may have officially converted me to online dating. After all, everyone is doing it nowadays--it's not just for the people who can't get dates in real life.

 

Congratulations on your engagement! Just out of curiosity, what do you tell people about how you met? Do you say online? What is people's reaction? I'd imagine since it's become so much more common no one looks askance anymore. In any event, what a beautiful and inspiring story; you put a skip in my step--especially as I keep trying (seemingly soetimes unsuccessfully) to get over my awful breakup, iti's so great to hear about positive relationship experiences. I wish you both the very best!

[sb129]

Next time you walk past Tiffany on 5th avenue or down the diamond district, think of me dragging him down there dropping hints about which rings I liked, and how overpriced and pretentious Tiffany is, basically digging myself into a hole, while the whole time he had a Tiffany ring in his pocket, waiting for the right moment to propose to me. ;)

 

I have told people upfront from the beginning. A few of my friends gave me a little bit of grief, but when they saw how happy we were, and after they met Wonderboy and found out for themselves what a great guy he is, they quickly changed their tune.

Interestingly, it was a single friend of mine who gave me the most grief! I told her not to knock it until she tried it, and she still hasn't! Another friend was inspired to try it, and has met loads of men. It has given her the BIGGEST confidence boost, and she is seeing a guy now who seems great.

 

Wonderboy wasn't QUITE so forthcoming about how we met, as he didn't want to ruin his "tough guy" image .

He is better about it now, and of course, those who don't know the truth by now will find out at our wedding, as I am sure it will be mentioned there!

 

Its so common now, I don't think anyone has any right to scoff at someone who is putting themselves out there. As long as you are safe, then go for it!

[Zapbasket]

Be honest with him. Repeat you don't want a relationship with him and aren't interested in a fling, so while you have been flirting and kissing, you only want to be friends, and that is not going to change because you feel you are too different from each other.

 

The rules do not differ online vs. off. If you've gone on 4-5 one-on-one dates, yes, I'd say people should be hopeful or feeling some romance. It's not how you meet, it is who you meet, and you have the potential to be duped online or off.

 

Crap. That's harsh. I think because I don't know WHY I'm not interested in him romantically, I'm just not. In some ways I *do* know: he's not a romancer; we went ice skating earlier this week and when I went around a few times by myself while he took a breather on the sidelines, I noticed that he wasn't checking me out. One thing I loved about my ex is that we always checked each other out and flashed little smiles at each other--we did this on from our first date all the way through last fall, when things ended so disastrously. That kind of little flirtation is hugely important. Little things like that. I could tell him that, but even if he changed those things, I *still* wouldn't feel like we could be an item. So I guess I fear I don't sound very convincing if I say, "I just don't feel that way toward you, even though I am attracted to you."

 

The other thing is, I'm afraid that if I say that, he'll not want to hang out with me anymore and that will be very disappointing because we are involved in this outdoor club and know some of the same people and I'd like to hang out with them. Crap. But I guess you're saying that honesty, even though it hurts, is better than feeling strung along. Last night was his b-day party in a club and he was leading me around by the hand introducing me to all his friends (granted, he was very drunk) and I felt vaguely uncomfortable... Then we went outside for a smoke and he started kissing me and it felt good, until he started lifting up my dress and that's when I get turned off with him--he's not gentlemanly and that's important to me.

 

I guess without meaning to I've really been a bit of a tease, huh? Crap.

 

As for friends? I don't do it. I've offered it but really, I'm on a dating site to find dates. I wouldn't want to explain to a future gf "this is my friend I met on a dating site." I am not opposed to it happening, I just wonder "what's the point?" The reason I'm on dating site is to find dates. For friends and a social life, I join sports teams and a hiking group, etc.

 

Good point and good attitude. Maybe that's a benefit to online dating is that the boundaries are very clear: either you're going to date, or you're not. How many dates do you think is fair to become certain you really want to get involved with a person? For some it's obvious after the first date. But some take several dates to really get a sense and that's okay, right?

[Zapbasket]

Next time you walk past Tiffany on 5th avenue or down the diamond district, think of me dragging him down there dropping hints about which rings I liked, and how overpriced and pretentious Tiffany is, basically digging myself into a hole, while the whole time he had a Tiffany ring in his pocket, waiting for the right moment to propose to me. ;)

 

I have told people upfront from the beginning. A few of my friends gave me a little bit of grief, but when they saw how happy we were, and after they met Wonderboy and found out for themselves what a great guy he is, they quickly changed their tune.

Interestingly, it was a single friend of mine who gave me the most grief! I told her not to knock it until she tried it, and she still hasn't! Another friend was inspired to try it, and has met loads of men. It has given her the BIGGEST confidence boost, and she is seeing a guy now who seems great.

 

Wonderboy wasn't QUITE so forthcoming about how we met, as he didn't want to ruin his "tough guy" image .

He is better about it now, and of course, those who don't know the truth by now will find out at our wedding, as I am sure it will be mentioned there!

 

Its so common now, I don't think anyone has any right to scoff at someone who is putting themselves out there. As long as you are safe, then go for it!

 

Yes, I think as long as online dating results in actual LIVE meetings, there's nothing wrong with it. I know people who prefer online interaction to live, and develop whole "relationships" through online interaction, and to me it's just completely ridiculous! Stories like yours show that if anything, when done right it's an odds-increaser--you and WB might not have crossed paths otherwise.

 

What's sad for me about the whole thing is that my ex is also online. Back in the summer I searched to see if he had a profile up, and was relieved to see he did not. And as of this September, I know he'd not dated anyone. But I just got this feeling a few weeks ago...and I went online and searched and sure enough there he was. I thought if he's moving on and putting himself out there, than why shouldn't I...and suddenly I was catapulted into the online dating world. It makes me sad, though, because with all these possibilities I'm sure he'll never have cause to think about me and contemplate seeking me out to maybe get back together. Sadder still is that we were delivered to each other's inboxes recently as 100% matches, so he knows I'm online and earlier this week he changed his headline to "Looking for something completely different." I felt that was really door-slamming, not that I'd have contacted him through the site...but I'd hoped that my profile ending up in his inbox might give him pause.

 

Anyway, I'm *trying* to move on. I would like to meet someone but on the other hand I'm not sure I'm ready. I feel still stuck on my ex. Maybe just going on dates, etc., will boost my confidence and enable me to overcome this breakup more thoroughly? I guess I feel a little guilty about putting myself out there so explicitly and then not being entirely ready for a relationship...maybe.

[sb129]

You never know whats just around the corner. there is no harm putting yourself out there till that time comes.

 

Its all practice.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hi. I just thought I would add my 2 cents because I met my current boyfriend through E-Harmony. I used to be really embarrassed to admit that, but now I'm so used to saying it that I don't care. Plus, he's the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had, so it's okay with me. When I signed up for E-Harmony, I never received any initial communication from anyone! I was so mortified. I wondered what was so wrong with me! Well, I decided to start initiating my own contact, instead. I contacted a few people, my current boyfriend being one of them. He and I started e-mailing back and forth and then started chatting on AIM. This happened for about a month before we finally met up. Honestly, I was so nervous when we first met because we had had that whole month of chatting and we both got to know each other's personality on-line...you never know if that will transfer into "real life". I had never met someone on-line in real life before, so I was very, very nervous! Well, we met at a public spot; a mall; and initially I was nervous but we ended up really hitting it off! Now we've known each other 3 months, and have been dating for 2. I know that's not that long but I'm so grateful that I met him...on my way to the mall, I was thinking about cancelling 'cause I was too nervous.

 

Anyway, I think a lot of on-line dating is initiating the contact sometimes...you just have to do it. And if they don't respond, oh well. Move on to someone else that you find interesting. I wish you luck.

[oppath]

Crap. That's harsh. I think because I don't know WHY I'm not interested in him romantically, I'm just not.

 

It's not harsh if you say it warmly. Nothing is harsh about telling someone "while I like you, I don't want to keep fooling around because I don't feel we are right for a relationship, and I'm not interested in a fling." That is not harsh. Plenty of women have said it to me and I always say "thanks for being honest." If anything, I'd take responsibility and say "sorry if I've lead you on, I apologize for that, but I'm really hoping we can be friends."

[sunshinegirl]

The other thing is, I'm afraid that if I say that, he'll not want to hang out with me anymore and that will be very disappointing because we are involved in this outdoor club and know some of the same people and I'd like to hang out with them. Crap.

 

GC, I have read a little bit of your story, and I am rooting for you.

 

BUT, please do stop to notice that your attitude toward this guy is fundamentally selfish. You don't seem to be taking into account his feelings, and you ARE stringing him along so that YOU can continue to have what YOU want.

 

I'm just calling it out starkly here because you don't seem to really see it. I think if you did see it, you would want to stop it. Right? You seem to want to do the right thing.

 

So please find the courage to tell him the truth. Yes, it may upset him, and yes, it may upset the fun social club of your outdoor group... but honestly, this is the price of being a mature adult in relationships. Sometimes you just have to lump it. You might lose his friendship... but my guess is that in a few weeks or months, you'll be okay.

 

Now, as to the online dating stuff, OPP has said a lot of good stuff, primarily around having a really loose and easy attitude toward the whole thing. It became much, much more fun for me when I adopted the attitude of "I get to meet someone new today, and if it goes well, great! If it doesn't, I'll have a great story to tell my friends."

 

The first few online guys I met after a devastating breakup in 2005 were the worst ever... for two reasons: (1) I wasn't ready for a new relationship; and (2) I was putting way too much pressure on the situation.

 

I should say too that I didn't meet my boyfriend online (we met through mutual friends), but last month I went to the wedding of a friend who met her now-husband on match.com. They are both great people.

 

So - like sb - it can happen!

[fral945]

E-mails don't tell you much and really nor does a person's profile. If I think they're attractive and sound reasonably interesting in their profile, I'd rather arrange to meet them for a coffee pretty much right away and then take it from there (or hightail it out of there!). Would it be too forward to write to guys and tell them so?

 

Any tips? Any success stories, failure stories, horror stories? I stupidly signed on for 6 months of this so I want to make the most of it. I'd mostly just like to meet some interesting people and if something happened, then great. But I'd like it to be enriching and not just an expensive time-waster.

 

Thanks!

 

I've gotta disagree with you about the profile not saying much. For someone like me who is looking for a long-term relationship, you can know right away a person's religious beliefs, if they want kids, political views, their work, how much money they expect you to make, etc. I know these don't help with spark and obviously you won't know until you meet in person, but these are definetly things that might take a while to find out otherwise.

 

I wouldn't want to start a relationship with a woman who didn't want to have kids because I do want them, for example. I also know a lot of people who wouldn't date or have a relationship with someone like me because I am not religious and they want someone who is. These are things that may not come up right away but could be dealbreakers down the road. Better to not waste your time and then find out you have some major differences.

 

A tip from me that echoes everyone else: Be straightforward and don't drag anyone along. I appreciate when a woman just tells me: "This isn't going to go anywhere". Even if it's harsh, it would be much harsher down the road.

[Zapbasket]

Crap, Sunshinegirl, you are right. I did think I was doing the right thing in that this past Wednesday we met up for ice skating and dinner and he asked, "Should I give up?" and I told him I was still getting over my ended relationship. I was really honest about the extent to which I felt lost, etc., and it seemed he understood even while he said the story made me seem "even more sexy" to him. Then at his birthday celebration last night, we were right back where we started. And once again I ticked off in my mind that he can't be someone I'd date, because someone I'd fall for would have backed off after I told him about not being over my ex and feeling lost, etc.

 

I guess I was NOT completely honest about the fact that even if I weren't lost (that's no lie), I'd probably not enter into a relationship with him. I just don't know how to say that without hurting his ego and I don't want to do it. He called me twice today and so I guess the right thing is to call him up and just say, "You always ask if you should give up and I guess the answer is yes. I really like you and I am attracted to you but I just don't think we'd be compatible in a relationship. I DO think we'd be compatible as friends and I hope we can keep hanging out." And then I'm trying to organize a Winter Solstice fondue celebration on Friday and I'd invite him to that. Is that fair to him and sensitive to his feelings? I feel bad.

 

I really don't mean to hurt anyone; I guess sometimes I resent when guys are pushy, especially when I'm not interested in them romantically.

 

And I'm with you and Oppath on online dating attitude. It is fun to search profiles and it will be great once dates actually start to materialize. I'm glad to know that I can be more blunt if I'm not interested, and can expect the other person to be more blunt, too. What usually happens after the first date? Can you pretty much count on the other person to come out and say "no thanks" or is it after you venture to send them another e-mail that they confirm interest or end all interactions?

 

Thanks for this dating crash tutorial I guess I really need to learn to be more up front about my intentions.

[Zapbasket]

I've gotta disagree with you about the profile not saying much. For someone like me who is looking for a long-term relationship, you can know right away a person's religious beliefs, if they want kids, political views, their work, how much money they expect you to make, etc. I know these don't help with spark and obviously you won't know until you meet in person, but these are definetly things that might take a while to find out otherwise.

 

I see your point, but at the same time I feel like it's easy for a person to say s/he wants committment and kids when in truth those things are far out of reach. Most people don't know what they want and I include myself in that. Is someone who says he "definitely wants 4 kids" automatically incompatible with me, as I posted on my profile that I "definitely want 2 kids"? I've been tempted to indicate that I'd like a potential partner to be earning over $100,000 as financial security is important to me for building a family. It's true that I have come across profiles where the guy makes $35,000-$50,000 and I've passed over them for that reason. But in real life, I wouldn't automatically weed someone out like that, because I know that you can have all the financial security in the world, if you are with someone who is emotionally immature you can't have a stable life together.

 

Also, in real life, even though I am agnostic and would prefer someone who isn't religious, if I met a Catholic who blew my mind and heart I would be very amenable to compromising, even though I have very strong opinions about religion. It wouldn't be the fact that he's catholic that would be a deal breaker, but his relationship to his Catholicism and whether and how he wanted to raise his kids in the Catholic faith.

 

I guess there's no way to prevent having to go into this whole process blind, huh?

 

A tip from me that echoes everyone else: Be straightforward and don't drag anyone along. I appreciate when a woman just tells me: "This isn't going to go anywhere". Even if it's harsh, it would be much harsher down the road.

 

It's funny; I had another situation like this one a month ago, and all my guy friends were telling me that "Silence is Golden." I think in the case with this guy, since we've hung out a bunch of times, I owe him a clear explanation--one I tried to give him earlier this week but seemingly I was not successful. Thanks for your input; I'm going to take everyone's advice here in this situation.

[AriaIncognito]

we went ice skating earlier this week and when I went around a few times by myself while he took a breather on the sidelines, I noticed that he wasn't checking me out. One thing I loved about my ex is that we always checked each other out and flashed little smiles at each other--we did this on from our first date all the way through last fall, when things ended so disastrously. That kind of little flirtation is hugely important. Little things like that.

 

GC - I totally understand what you mean here. I noticed this issue with my now ex.

 

When I was with the guy before him, I'd always find him looking at me. My recent ex, I never caught him looking at me. Not once. I suppose that should be a sign. It's so important to be so enamoured of someone that you continue to want to be "with" them even when they are across the room from you.

 

I always wished my recent ex looked at me the way the former guy did. I always said if I could combine the 2 exes, I'd have the perfect man. And I would. I just wish it wasn't so impossible to find these traits all in 1 person.

 

As for online dating, your guess is as good as mine. I've yet to meet a single person from an online dating site such has M, eH, PoF, etc. I have very little communication on these sites. I don't know if it's me or what. Maybe it's because I don't initiate. It's hard.

 

I have only met people from online via groups akin to meetup. Where you go to events to hang out and meet new people. Matter of fact that's how I met the 2 men I'm talking about in this post.

 

I wish there was some magic formula. I'd love to at least know men are interested in me, that I'm interested in back. I've never really dated either. I was with a guy for 4 years, then i was single for 3 years, then I had these 2 men back to back over the past 2.5 years. So i really am unfamiliar with dating in the real world (as opposed to college).

 

It's hard and I want to give up most of the time. Maybe some people have some more advice on how to get people to reply to an ad...