600f2 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months. She told me from the beginning that she had threesomes with her best friend since grade school and her bestfriend's fiancee.It last happened 6 or 7 months before we got together.The twist is they are still best friends and the fiancee even texts and calls her on a regular basis.They also live 5 minutes from her but are getting married.She said she wants us all to be friends.We all went to dinner together so i could atleast give it a try,but the whole thing made my stomach turn.I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time.Am i being rediculous or do i really have something to worry about?
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Interesting dilemma! I like your gf being so open-minded, and apparently so able to compartmentalize her sexuality from her relationships. It sounds like she was just being very expressive while engaging in these threesomes, and also able to maintain her friendships separately from the "act". It also sounds like it was just a sexual thing, since her bf and the bf are getting married. If it bothers you that much, I would ask her if she misses the threesomes, if she plans on still continuing this with this couple, or would like to have one in the future with someone new. If she says no, then let it go. If she says yes, then you may have a whole other issue on your hands, if having a threesome with her and another girl is not what you are working towards.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Different people have different moralities and appetites. If it turns your stomach, find someone with a similar morality and appetite. Myself personally, I would run like the wind from someone like this, but firstly, I would get myself checked out for STDs. Fidelity within a committed relationship appears to be a challenge to your girl. 2
oppath Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I disagree with you for the first time ever on this TBF. Just because she had been in 3-somes doesn't necessarily mean she or the people involved swung from guy to guy or girl to girl. And having a 3some in the past means nothing about fidelity as long as all people involved were consensual and she wasn't having them behind a boyfriend's back. The OP needs to tell her "I wouldn't be comfortable having a threesome, not within a committed relationship. Is this something you want to explore again? Because it's not something I am comforrtable with. I am not judging your past, I just want to determine what our values are to make sure this never becomes an issue. You are the only woman I want to be with and I would not want a threesome myself. What are your feelings?"
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I disagree with you for the first time ever on this TBF. Just because she had been in 3-somes doesn't necessarily mean she or the people involved swung from guy to guy or girl to girl. And having a 3some in the past means nothing about fidelity as long as all people involved were consensual and she wasn't having them behind a boyfriend's back. The OP needs to tell her "I wouldn't be comfortable having a threesome, not within a committed relationship. Is this something you want to explore again? Because it's not something I am comforrtable with. I am not judging your past, I just want to determine what our values are to make sure this never becomes an issue. You are the only woman I want to be with and I would not want a threesome myself. What are your feelings?" Note I specifically stated moralities, as well as appetites. I find threesomes morally and sexually revolting. A relationship is between two people, not dragging in another piece of meat, when the urge strikes you. Just Eeewwwww... 1
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I disagree with you for the first time ever on this TBF. Just because she had been in 3-somes doesn't necessarily mean she or the people involved swung from guy to guy or girl to girl. And having a 3some in the past means nothing about fidelity as long as all people involved were consensual and she wasn't having them behind a boyfriend's back. The OP needs to tell her "I wouldn't be comfortable having a threesome, not within a committed relationship. Is this something you want to explore again? Because it's not something I am comforrtable with. I am not judging your past, I just want to determine what our values are to make sure this never becomes an issue. You are the only woman I want to be with and I would not want a threesome myself. What are your feelings?" Agreed, Oppath. I didn't get the impression that she was engaging in threesomes while WITH the OP, but she was maintaining friendships with her former bedmates and this is what is concerning to the poster. I also suggested he ask her if this is behavior she would like, or plans to continue. And I don't find threesomes "revolting" in the least. One of the hottest sexual experiences of my life was with two men. Both of whom were bi...
oppath Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Agreed, Oppath. I didn't get the impression that she was engaging in threesomes while WITH the OP, but she was maintaining friendships with her former bedmates and this is what is concerning to the poster. I also suggested he ask her if this is behavior she would like, or plans to continue. And I don't find threesomes "revolting" in the least. One of the hottest sexual experiences of my life was with two men. Both of whom were bi... I agree with you, but I completely understand the OP being uncomfortable with it, too, as I respect the no 3-some value system. I'm not a 3-some guy. I am just friends with sex writers, dominatrix's, etc. The OP has reason to feel uncomfortable and that is not irrational, as this is a potential problem due to two different, none superior than the other, value systems. He has every right to say "when I'm in a relationship, I don't want sex with other people. Is a three some something you'd want to consider in the future, while in a relationship with me? What are your sexual attitudes within a committed relationship." My sex writer friends are actually all about committed relationships and monogamy. They might piss on a penis during sex -- to be crude -- but within a relationship, they do have different values and tastes and compromise to align with their partner. I think the OP just wants to be assured that she isn't going to want to run off and have a 3-some. I honestly think it is doubtful she would want to do that, especially if he is not inclined.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Totally agreed. This could have been just something she did while single, and she very well could respect the sanctity of a commited relationship. My threesome occured with two men I knew for years, and while none of us was otherwise involved. I have done my more prurient activities, but never while in a relationship. It is possible for someone to indulge a wild side, without it becoming their moniker. Let's hope that's true for the OP's gal...
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Why expect less/more or restrict sexuality? Just one more opportunity for pent-up resentment, for the long-term. If threesomes are your thing, stick with someone else with the same appetites.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Well, TBF, you are making the assumption that this is part of her de rigeur and something she requires going forward, and I was trying to make the point that a person can engage in threesomes in their past, and also be able to be in a commited, monogomous relationship and not miss the threesomes. I LOVED my MMF encounter. Would I do one again? Possibly, but not likely. Would I consider one while I was in a relationship? HELL NO!!!
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 She told me from the beginning that she had threesomes with her best friend since grade school and her bestfriend's fiancee.It last happened 6 or 7 months before we got together.The twist is they are still best friends and the fiancee even texts and calls her on a regular basis. Jilly Bean, this wasn't a oneshot thrill...
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Yes TBF, but it also was her past... I also used to do a lot of blow, and I wouldn't so much as touch anything stronger than an aspirin now. People change, desires change, tastes change. I think the OP needs to have the convo that Oppath and I suggested and find out what her exact proclivities are in this arena. She very well may confirm that this is something she plans on doing again, and then yes, agreed he is better off not staying with her. Or, she may say it was something she used to do, is over it, and is perfectly content with the OP. I'm hoping for the latter, as he seems to really like her.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 The past ingrained behavioural patterns, dictate current and future actions. Either this girl never had a single boyfriend before the current one, or she continued to partake, regardless of b/f, possibly with the b/fs consent, possibly not. You do the math about fidelity.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I have absolutely no idea how you can possibly make such gross assumptions and judgements on this person whom you have never met. and know so little about. I give people a lot more credit for having the capacity for change, as I know I have done so in many areas of my life. I don't know many people who are exactly who they were 5 years or 10 years prior. Seems rather stunted and small-minded to me, if not terribly boring. As said earlier, let's have the OP have a conversation with her, and find out her direction and goals.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 LS is all about judgements for every single thread. The OP offers up information, everyone gives advice based on personal judgement of the situation. Otherwise, the advice would all be, "Well, we can't give you any advice because we need to meet both parties and get to know them intimately, in order to truly understand the situation." 1
Author 600f2 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Thank all of you very much it is nice to talk to someone else about it as only the other two, myself,her and another best friend of hers since they were like 5 or 6 know about it.Btw the other best friend found out and does not even speak to her anymore. When we first got together she said she would do one with me and another girl if i wanted.And also never really said she didn't want to do it with them anymore.And there was weed and liquer involved when they did it.She has since said she does not want to do it anymore with them or anyone else.But the fact that she doesn't regret it at all even after her other best friend doesn't even talk to her anymore and that she says it was great with such..............excitement i guess kinda worries me. I mean the way i see it i think they crossed the line as friends when they did what they did especially since it was like 10 or 11 times.I see them as a ex girlfriend/boyfriend.I don't see any other way to see it ya know.
Jilly Bean Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Ah, well now you are really getting at a whole other issue, 6. She has reassured you that she has no desire to engage in threesomes again, therefore pledging her fidelity to you, yet you are still bothered by her past. It's like her present and future are of no regard to you now, as you are fixated on her past. Bottom line, if you cannot accept what she has done, and who that makes her today, then you need to end it, and end it now. This is really your issue, not hers, IMO. Relationships need to have common core values in order to have any longevity, and if you are going to make value judgments on her, based off your own insecurities or "moral fiber", then cut her loose. Also, find the thread that's on here from some guy names Genki. He was dating a girl and then found out more than he wanted to about her sexual past, and he could not get past it. A little different in that she was withholding some info, but same result. He was tortured by her past actions.
Author 600f2 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 Well there are other issues here too.......3 weeks after we started dating she found out she was 7 weeks pregnant from a guy she had a one night stand with. He was a friend from school. Like i told her when she reluctantly told me about it,It happened in your past so I will absolutely support you.She had an abortion obviously. But the guy keeps calling and texting her sometimes drunk from a bar at 2 or 3 in the morning. She also has a really overbearing family.Both of her brothers had to live at home until the day they got married.She's 24 and still lives at home. She only can stay with me overnight 2 nights a week,because they don't want her rushing things.She does what they say because she says she doesn't want to upset them right now.They have a lot of rules for me to go by but I do because I really care for her. And the way the bf's fiancee was acting at the dinner you would swear he was her bf. Also when she told her bf about me she said good luck telling him.Do you think that means "they" still want to? I mean I deal with alot of other stuff why do i have to deal with them when i see them as in the ex girlfriend/boyfriend category? I really would like to be with her for a long time this is why it worries me so much.I just don't want to make something longlasting out of this if it's not what it seems to be.I am just extremely confused right now.
Lizzie60 Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months. She told me from the beginning that she had threesomes with her best friend since grade school and her bestfriend's fiancee.It last happened 6 or 7 months before we got together.The twist is they are still best friends and the fiancee even texts and calls her on a regular basis.They also live 5 minutes from her but are getting married.She said she wants us all to be friends.We all went to dinner together so i could atleast give it a try,but the whole thing made my stomach turn.I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time.Am i being rediculous or do i really have something to worry about? I don't think you have anything to worry about... It's no big deal. really, you should try it once.. it's a lot of fun... I had a few experiences with 3-somes.. but one I will remember forever... it was amazing. (2 guys who were bisexual)... I think you should be honest with her.. if it's really not your cup of tea.. let her know that you are not comfortable with them around her.. see who she will choose...
Jilly Bean Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Well, 6, you sound pretty overwhelmed by this girl and all the drama she has brought to you. Is it worth it to continue on, when so much seems to bother you?
Trialbyfire Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Could you please explain where you feel she's a worthwhile investment? The girl has more baggage/drama than the luggage compartment of a 747.
Author 600f2 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 I guess what i'm really asking is am i being a jerk by asking her to leave them alone? It is the only thing i have ever asked of her...............they are getting married in may so she is still going to be in their wedding.She said i didn't have to go if i didn't want.I said would go and I will.I'm sure it will be uncomfortable for me ,but i have this idiotic voice in the back of my head telling me I should go and "stake my claim" so to speak.I know that that is totally stupid,but i can't help feeling that way.She says after that she will cut them off.I really don't want to make her do anything,but if it were up to her we would all hang out and be drinking buddies.............Am i being an ass?
Author 600f2 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 TBF She really does mean alot to me man.She treats me like a king.Better than any girlfriend i've ever been with.She does things for me like leave me notes when she leaves for work in the morning.She cooks and cleans when she comes over.I am 90% sure here.This thing just freaks me out every time it comes up.If it just wouldn't come up anymore I would go full blast ya know.
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