paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi Guys - this is my first thread so be gentle with me! I'm a 36 year old guy and have been on a couple of dates with a girl (one last night where we went to dinner and then for drink). We seem to get on well but I she seems a bit guarded and wouldn't accept my offer to pay for the meal and insisted on going halves. We discussed about going out for another date but didn't mae any firm plans. My question is do I leave it a couple of days after the date to call her to arrange another date, or should I leave it longer (say four days)? I'm not very experienced with dating and have had my confidence knocked before, so not really sure what to do. I really like her but am not sure what she feels, and am afraid of looking pushy. Sorry for the rambling and all advice welcome.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Don't leave it too long. I think texting her today to tell her you had a good time last night is fine. You could say "talk to you soon" at the end of it or something. Follow it up with a call on Monday or Tuesday. Other people may have other suggestions, but if I was the girl and I was interested in you, I would be happy with that. Although- I am the kind of girl that would call YOU if you left it too long.
Lucky555 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Take the advise of sb129! I agree she will feel soooo good knowing you had a good time! Do include talk to you soon, depending on if you call her tomorrow or something with plans for another date! Make sure you ask her out by phone or in person which ever but do not text when you ask her out to another date.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks sb129 - I did actually text her to say that she was great company and that I enjoyed the evening. She did text back and said that she had also enjoyed last night. I think my problem is that there is so much expectation that you have to follow certain dating rules etc, that when things appear not to go how they should, you start to doubt what is going on.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks lucky555 - I forgot to put talk soon but I do intend to speak to her on the phone to arrange a date - just wasn' sure when i should call her.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 If you really like eachother, I don't think any of the dating "rules" apply, although it is nice for both parties to NOT play games such as waiting too long to call etc. On my first date with my fiance, we called eachother on the way home. And spoke for hours nearly every night after that until we saw eachother again the next weekend. I do know of a couple who are now married who didn't speak again for SIX WEEKS after their first date. Exception rather than the rule though...
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 When we do talk, whether on the phone or face to face, the conversation flows well and we have a lot of common. I get the feeling that she wants to take things slowly, which is fine with me, but you hear so much about not letting things drift etc, the last thing I want to do is to put pressure on her and look pushy. Our two dates have been for 5 hours and 5 1/2 hours long (1st one was a drink and the second was dinner/drinks) so I'd say he enjoys my company.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think if she is insisting that she pay for her half of the date, then she might be thinking you are in the friendzone entirely. I would ONLY offer to pay for myself on a date if I was not interested in the guy, as I wouldn't want him to think it was a date. Otherwise, man asks, man pays.
Lucky555 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 oh if she insists on paying her half good. I don't like when a guy pays for my way because i feel like its not 50/50. I think that it great if a guy pays for dinner but i always say no i want to pay for mine. Its this thing i have where i want it to be equal. Its like i want him to see that i don't inspect him to do everything.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 oh if she insists on paying her half good. I don't like when a guy pays for my way because i feel like its not 50/50. I think that it great if a guy pays for dinner but i always say no i want to pay for mine. Its this thing i have where i want it to be equal. Its like i want him to see that i don't inspect him to do everything. I think this is a fair enough point. I would offer to pay half too, I don't expect the man to pay for the whole date, and as I CAN pay half, I am happy to. Saying that the man has to pay for the whole date is as sexist as saying a woman belongs in the kitchen. It could be a cultural thing- where are you in the world Paddy? I think its more expected of guys to pay for the dates in the US, where in the UK women don't expect that at all, and are probably worried about being seen as taking the piss if the guy pays for everything. An aside note- do you remember that story about the guy who took a girl out in New York, and paid for the whole date, but when she refused a second date he demanded that she pay him half back- it got really creepy and staker ish. If you google it enough i think you can find his emails and phone messages online. There was a link to it on this site too.
compassion42 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Give her a call in a couple of days and ask her out-sounds like you two really hit it off.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 I'm in the UK so it makes me feel a bit better that women in the uk would want to pay for their half. I don't think she is looking for a friend. From the conversations that we have had, she has plenty of those already and had been out quite a lot this week. If she's not interested in me romantically, then I would be disappointed but would live with it, but I don't think she is the type of person to go out with someone she has known for just 2 weeks to find a new "friend".
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I'm in the UK so it makes me feel a bit better that women in the uk would want to pay for their half. I don't think she is looking for a friend. From the conversations that we have had, she has plenty of those already and had been out quite a lot this week. If she's not interested in me romantically, then I would be disappointed but would live with it, but I don't think she is the type of person to go out with someone she has known for just 2 weeks to find a new "friend". I agree with this too. If she just wanted a new friend, she would probably just have invited you out with her other friends and done things as part of a group (she may still do this as the R progresses, but if she does after you have had a few dates alone, I think this is a good sign that she wants to introduce you to other people in her life). I think things are going fine Paddy.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks sb. This dating lark is very daunting at the beginning. Been hurt before so don't want to get my hopes up. We do like a lot of the same comedies and music and have a good start so fingers crossed!
Phateless Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Thanks sb. This dating lark is very daunting at the beginning. Been hurt before so don't want to get my hopes up. We do like a lot of the same comedies and music and have a good start so fingers crossed! Over analysis is the quickest way to screw up a situation. You just have to take a confident lead and she'll follow. Her paying is good, I think. She wants things to be even. Defensiveness is hard to analyze. I went on a date recently where I think she seemed a bit defensive because I wasn't showing her enough attention. Any time I would talk to her or touch her briefly she would open up a bit. Don't be scared of her. Have a good time! Call when you want to, text when you want to. Remember, she's lucky to be hearing from you and keep that thought in mind when you call.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Remember, she's lucky to be hearing from you and keep that thought in mind when you call. *groan*. And he's lucky if she responds or picks up...
Phateless Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 *groan*. And he's lucky if she responds or picks up... lol a lot of guys are afraid of the girl and feel like she's better than him. this shows through he talks to her and of course she rejects him. it's just little mental stuff to keep confidence up.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 lol a lot of guys are afraid of the girl and feel like she's better than him. this shows through he talks to her and of course she rejects him. it's just little mental stuff to keep confidence up. Nothing wrong with that.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 Cheers Phateless - that's a good way to look at it so that you stay positive. May I ask how it went in the end with the date who was defensive?
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 lol a lot of guys are afraid of the girl and feel like she's better than him. this shows through he talks to her and of course she rejects him. it's just little mental stuff to keep confidence up. LOL. Boy pep talk. Understood.
Phateless Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Cheers Phateless - that's a good way to look at it so that you stay positive. May I ask how it went in the end with the date who was defensive? She kissed me on the cheek, then i cheek-kissed back, then i pecked her on the lips. she texted me an hour later asking if i was still awake. we didn't end up hanging out again cuz i didn't wanna go back to the bars, but i think the stage is set. i could tell the whole night that she was interested but holding back... i think i was feeling the same way, lol. by the time we were having drinks all her defensiveness had melted away. she went home for the holidays the next day, so i think i'll text her in a couple of days. we hung out friday night, but i've been busy. maybe i'll text today to tell her i had a good time the other night. i dunno... her friend told me not to come on too strong.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 See what I mean Phateless! Sounds like you had a good date and that it was a bit similar to mine. But then her friend tells you not to come on too strong! What's too strong? Life would be so much less complicated without these issues......
Phateless Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 See what I mean Phateless! Sounds like you had a good date and that it was a bit similar to mine. But then her friend tells you not to come on too strong! What's too strong? Life would be so much less complicated without these issues...... Well the friend telling me that was much before the date. Yeah it was a bit similar. Fortunately I have met enough girls recently so that I've trained myself not to worry too much. Now I know that if this doesn't work out, there's always another one. I'm just gonna text her when I feel like it and go from there. You should do the same.
Author paddy1971 Posted December 18, 2007 Author Posted December 18, 2007 Just to let you know that I called her last night and we talked for 40 minutes and got on well again. Planning to see each other between xmas and new year as she is busy before this time -hopefully sorting out where and when this weekend. Thanks to everyone who offered advice - I hope that one day I can be as wise for someone else! Paddy
Recommended Posts