Can you fall back in love with someone after love has gone??

[new wave]

Hi everyone, I'm a new member on this forum and this is my first post. Never thought I'd be here but then again guess none of us did.... I could really do with some support at the moment as my life has changed in a way I didn't think possible. This is my story.....

 

I have been with my H for almost 17 years, married for 13 and have 3 lovely children, the youngest is only 1. We have been extremely happy together, faithful and wholly committed to each other, it was love at first sight. Just over a year ago, whilst I was pregnant, I noticed my H behaviour change towards me, esp immediately after our daughter was born. He became distant, withdrawn and quiet. I just put it down to adjusting to having a new baby but as the months passed I began to think otherwise. We began to argue then there would be silences. He began to go out more and his cell phone was always switched to silent and he carried it around with him everywhere. If I saw him receive a text and asked innocently, 'Oh who was that?' he'd snap back at me. It was during the Summer months that I suspected he was having an affair with a colleague of his. To cut a long story short at the end of October I discovered his cell phone bill and her number on it. It was the person I had suspected as her name used to crop up every now and again when he mentioned something to do with work. He had called her 100's of times, day and night (as he would never come to bed with me, stayed up till all hours). To say that I felt hit by a train when I saw this proof is an understatement. My world fell apart when he admitted it and said he was leaving me and the children to be with her.

 

7 weeks on I can still hardly believe it as we were both the loves of each others lives. Both our families and all our friends are absolutely devastated and in a state of shock. I have lost a huge amount of weight and am now on medication and can't work. I have to be strong for the children but it is very hard and each day seems life a battle to get through. H and I have been in almost daily contact since this happened either by text or phone. He has moved in to a house that this women owns but she doesn't live in it, she lives a short drive away with her children. He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me anymore and that his feelings started to change a year ago. We have both shed many tears over these last few weeks and it has been desperately sad and devastating to deal with. I have asked him to come back, that I forgive him and love him more than anything but he has always refused. I realise now it is because he is 'in love' with this other women. He told me yesterday after I stupidly asked him. I really wished I didn't know as it is just another kick in the teeth for me. My heart has completely broken and I feel so desperate and hurt, it makes me breathless the pain is so bad sometimes. He came to get his final belongings yesterday and we both cried for hours. He kept saying, I wish I could turn back the clock, this was never meant to happen, I wanted to stay with you forever etc.. etc but it is clear he intends to continue along a path with this other woman. I have been reading his constant contact and tears as a sign that we have a chance together but I now realise he is simply mourning the end of our marriage. He told me yesterday that he always wants me to be a part of his life, and even took a photo of me I discovered under some old books I had moved. I told him that I can only speak re children, access, finances etc.. and nothing else now as he has someone else (we had been having hour long telephone calls together).

 

I still dream of him every night, think about him all day and hope that we can be together again some day. Do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone again, after the feelings have gone? I know he still cares for me, loves me even, but just not in the same way. He says he thinks about me all the time and misses me very much, I do him. We cried in each other arms yesterday for ages, very heart breaking.

 

I know I hve to get on with my life without him and look forward to rebuilding my self esteem and confidence (which is rock bottom now) and be strong for the children but it is very hard.

 

Has anyone ever heard of love returning after it's gone?..... of couples getting back together after years apart? I still can't imagine never being with him again, it just seems so unreal still. He said yesterday that when we are together it still feels very 'normal' and 'right'. I guess I'll just have to wait for his love for this other person so go so maybe he'll think of me again..... he still wears his wedding ring although I've taken mine off.

 

Please tell me the pain eases over time as I can't imagine months of this ahead of me.....

 

Thank you so much for reading this and any advice would be much appreciated.

[Reckless]

I was very moved by your post and I am very sorry for your pain.

 

You have children and a little baby to care for, all the while carrying the pain of betrayal and lost love. My heart goes out to you.

 

To answer your question, yes, couples do and indeed have gotten back together after a split or even a divorce H O W E V E R without any indication from your husband that this is a possibility I would not build my hopes up.

 

Your marriage stagnated and communication broke down and your husband (midlife or feeling trapped or seduced by a new love or even finding what he believes is 'the love of his life'...) threw in the towell unless he recognises that he has lost something wonderful and wants it back, you are going to have to accept the death of your marriage.

 

But while you must have someone in the real world to confide in and help you you do not need pity right now, you need to start healing and you'll know when that starts when you progress to some well entitled anger.

 

Until then, look after your health (mental and physical), keep busy with your children, maybe read a little about surviving divorce and let me tell you, the BEST chance you have of your husband coming to his senses lies in you being a vibrant, HAPPY, warm loving mother and a rounded out, self contained healthy (read non bitter) balanced woman. For yourself and your children, this must be the light you keep through these first unbelievably painful moments.

 

Don't let him see you a wreck. Don't give him the "cake" of your friendship. DO NOT turn to him to get you through the pain. Short, sweet, cheerful, vibrant, positive, THAT is what he must see from this moment on (you can bite the inside of your cheek until it bleeds, you can cry until the neighbours get worried and call the emergency services, fake it until you can be it...).

 

No pain lasts forever. Teach your children not only how to be a complete person but to survive and live to love another day.

 

Good luck, Peace and strength to you and Yours,

Reckless

[BetrayedMM]

I have to agree with Reckless on all points, and stress one of them a bit further- Don't count on it! At this point, he has left you with 2 choices- pine away for him, or move on.

 

Even if he were to return, could you live with the knowledge that he might do it again? Believe me, it is very painful when they stay, let alone return. At this point I really wish my wife would have actually left me for the OM(possibly more than one), it would have hurt like hell, but I would be in the process of healing and getting on with my life. As it stands, there is no closure, and her half assed feeble attempts to work on rebuilding our marriage are only adding insult to injury. It's gonna take world war four to dislodge her from my life now- I now believe at this point she is here for all the wrong reasons- social status, lifestyle, family pressure, her own insecurity, everything but me.

 

Be careful what you wish for... I know that sounds harsh, but...

[MrWondering]

I told him that I can only speak re children, access, finances etc.. and nothing else now as he has someone else (we had been having hour long telephone calls together).

 

 

Even the above is too much contact for you. He sounds pretty dead set on this destructive path however affairs end. On average, within 2 years from exposure (presuming you've exposed his infidelity to everyone and anyone, including your children, in an age appropriate manner). That means sometimes they end in 3 months...sometimes 26 months.

 

In the meantime, you need to protect your remaining love for him and lock it away. Everytime you speak to him or see him is a continuing drain of that love. Thus, you should get yourself an intermediary to handle communications regarding the children, finances, etc. to insure that ONLY those matters are discussed and through a third party.

 

An added benefit to going dark on him is YOU get to withdraw, process what has happened to you and work on you. In the end, whether he comes back or not, YOU'LL will be on your way to personal recovery OR have the strength to engage in a very difficult recovery process.

 

You've been very friendly and understanding to date. A "Plan B" may be effective at getting him to miss you and the family. It will crush his completely unrealistic hopes that you will all remain "friends". He's either you husband or a sperm donor to you. You don't need "friends" like him in your life. A spouse you may consider it.

 

Further, get yourself a pit bull for an attorney and set him loose on him. The more "consequences" you (well not really you, but your "mean" attorney that you hide behind) can instill the more pressure you put on the affair.

 

Affairs are real love. They are SICK, selfish, addictive, manipulative relationships that nearly always end. Do not enable them and protect your children, to the extent possible, from exposure to them. Through your attorney, protect yourself and your children to the extent possible and extract the largest financial settlement possible for all of you. The more the harder it is for WH to pursue this to fruition.

 

Finally...what state are you in. I think 5 states still allow for alienation of affection or Int'l interference with marital relations lawsuits. Speak with your attorney about this as it is your legal right to pursue any legal claim you can and make OW pay for her choices.

 

Good luck,

 

Mr. Wondering

 

p.s.- Consider also that you are modeling appropriate behavior to your children and they need to see a strong woman that won't be walked over and upon by a man...even if that man is their father. Be strong and stand up for yourself with class and integrity. No matter what happens...YOU will make it.

[Confused9]

Newwave,

 

First I want to say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I know how hard it is for your life to suddenly be turned upside down and for the person you were spending forever with to completely throw you away.

 

I think you should read Reckless's post over and over again. I only wish I started posting here when I found out about my x fiance's affair. I think it could have been very helpful.

 

I know your instincts tell you to try and save your marriage and you are constantly replaying the happy times in your head, but you need to realize that those times are over. What he has done to you is awful and you need to sit back and decided if this new person is really who you want to be with. Obviously, the old H and the old relationship you knew is gone. Are you going to be able to trust that he will not do this to you again? Will you be able to handle it if he does? These are things you need to think LONG AND HARD about.

 

I agree with the other poster (not sure who exactly said it) but don't count on your WH to help you and give you support during this time. I tried that with mine and it was a big mistake. I was too open, too vulnerable and very needy. He wasn't ready to see what kind of mistake he had made so it's almost as if he viewed me as a weak person that was in the way of his new life. That is VERY hard to take. He may be expressing his sadness to you but you can't read in to it because you don't know why he is sad.

 

Move on for yourself and your children. What the future holds with you and H is not important right now. Your health is. Your children are. YOU ARE! Put yourself first. Seek counseling. Talk to your friends. Don't go it alone but DON'T count on him to help you through. You need to realize HE did this to you. HE made a mistake...he needs to suffer.

 

Keep your strength! When you want to contact him...come on here. Read through other posts. Remember what he has done. Think about what your life and relationship will be like if you do take him back.

 

Keep the faith. This will get easier. The sadness will fade. This is completely devistating and will be so for a long time...but you will get through.

[OldEurope]

Hi New Wave. I was moved by your post...

 

Three things:

 

1. Mr. Wondering is right: you must go completely dark on him (or at least very reserved and business-like since you have children) in order for him to fully understand the loss that he has incurred. Do NOT be "there" for him because you allow him to have two lives. The so called new and "thrilling" and then the sentimental road traveled with you. You must act with your head now and not with your heart.

 

2. You may not be ready for this, but you have to get yourself into the state of mind where you are prepared, perhaps after a couple of months, to meet someone new. First, you deserve attention and intimacy from someone who might be for you a wonderful new man somewhere. And in terms of strategy I, for one, have personally found that when a man professing to love you sees his lady with someone else, it can bring them back around again and that time for good.

 

That is not full-proof of course and you do not want to rely on "games". But it can and has worked--but again, only when you genuinely interest yourself in someone else and the ex notices that, gets anxious, and begins to ask himself what he has lost.

 

3. He seems to love you hence there is a chance that the affair may fizzle after some time, and not too long. If he were very very cold and matter of fact with you, I would say he is completely through with you and for you to quietly and with dignity move on. But where there is a strong emotional connection such as the two of you have, there is an incredible power that does not easily disintegrate.

 

But you CANNOT absolutely CANNOT sit there crying and with open arms right now acting like some maternal best friend who will be there for him. You must be queenly and reserved and distant. It is a win win situation when you are: you preserve your self worth, you intrigue him, and you protect yourself in the event that he does not come around.

 

OE

[MrWondering]

Here is a copy of a standard Marriage Builders Plan B letter for you use. It is important to remember that this is done for YOU and not to manipulate your WH. Further, it will NOT be effective if you break it so you must be prepared, in all aspects, to go completely dark. If you have some loose ends that need wrapping up first...do them...such that any and all contact between you and your WH is minimized to the largest extent possible.

 

Here's a draft Plan B letter [modify as you see fit]:

 

Dearest WH,

 

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

 

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

 

I realize that I have not been a perfect wife to you. I see now that both my attitude and [whatever] drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

 

The pain that your relationship with OW and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

 

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OW or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact {intermediary], and she/he will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OW completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

 

I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.

 

Your loving wife,

 

******************

[new wave]

I feel deeply touched by your responses to my post.... I have a confession... I am not in the States, I actually live in UK but I feel this is the right place for me to be right now. I hope that is ok with everyone.....

 

I had tears in my eyes when I read your replies, all your advice was amazing and spot on. It all made so much sense and was exactly what I needed to hear. I feel so foolish to have let myself be guided by his needs for so long. I have let myself be a shoulder for him to cry on, I've helped him through these last 7 weeks without a thought for myself or our children. I thought that any contact with him on any level was better than no contact at all but I realise that was a mistake. I now know that all I have been is an 'emotional prop' to him, he has already told me he can't talk to the OW because she wouldn't want to hear about 'me' and that she feels insecure as it is. He said, "How can I tell her that I miss you?". I know he does miss me but I feel it's because we've been together for so long, he's finding it hard to adjust, especially because he is living on his own (albeit in her rented house). He rings for long chats but I feel it's probably because he's lonely and at that time really misses me. He said yesterday that he can't believe we won't grow old together but I've got to stop reading into all this stuff he says.

 

I know he's cut up inside, he feels terrible guilt, our oldest son cries when he is with his father because he feels so angry with him for leaving us.

 

Sometimes I feel like he's going through a midlife crisis as he is 40 next year. We are neck deep in debt and coping with a new baby - all of which made us feel vulnerable and down. This OW saw an opportunity and took it and ran with my man. Rest is history I guess. I still think we have the most incredible bond, can't imagine it will ever be broken, so much history and 3 children together. This is the first infidelity to hit our marriage as my H is not a wanderer and I know for sure that's true. (Yes I know, I'm still protecting him but I can't help it).

 

I just wish the ANGER would start! Where is it??!!! I am still waiting after 7 weeks and all I feel is a broken heart and tears..... he has betrayed me at a time I needed him most i.e. just delivered our third child by C-section and was weak and vulnerable yet what did he do? - he begin an affair. Why oh why can't I hate him??? Why do I STILL want to care for him?? I've even bought him Christmas presents because it felt disloyal not to... I SOOOOOOO need the ANGER to start...!!!

 

Thank you guys so much for listening to my ramblings, of which I'm sure there will be many !!! Lots of love from a Brit !! xxx

[michaelk]

I'm sorry to hear about the trauma you're going through. Your situation sounds similar to my wife's when I had an affair. The pain you're describing evokes things she said when I put her through that. We ended up staying together, but still your question about falling back in love is one we've both wrestled with.

 

I wish I had an answer for you. I've heard many people here say that the 'in love' feeling is something you cannot expect to last, and that it's not really love anyway. That once you're no longer in love, a more mature love takes its place. I've heard others say that love isn't even an emotion - it's a choice you make to care for another person. I continue to wrestle with this.

 

I know that my wife's hope is for me to fall back in love with her. The 'in love' feelings haven't returned yet, but I do love her again. She's the mother of my children and the closest family I have in the world. I would not choose to hurt her again the way I once did. The near loss of our marriage has brought us closer than ever, and so I can say that good can come from such turmoil.

 

Since your husband has chosen to move on in his life, you should too. Don't expend your energy wondering if he'll ever come back, and especially don't try to make him come back. Ignore suggestions that you should put pressure on your husband and his new relationship. There are only two reasons to do that: 1) revenge, and 2) coercing him to return. Neither of these will get you what you really want, and frankly they're beneath you.

 

If you choose to break off contact with him, do so for the right reasons - so that you can heal from what's happened and gain some perspective on your life. Again, don't do it because you think it will bring him back, or because you want him to 'get what he deserves'. For better or worse, he's on a different path than you now, and you need to focus on where yours is taking you.

 

If you choose to continue as friends, I'll have great respect for you. Not many people have the strength to set aside their own hurt and anger in order to preserve what remains of a damaged relationship. This would be a hard road, no doubt, but would have its own benefits. For example, maintaining a positive relationship would benefit your children. On the other hand, if you find you're constantly upset and depressed from continued contact, the best thing for the kids would be to break off contact and heal.

 

Only you can decide which set of trade-offs will be best for you and your children. And those are the only people you should be concerned about right now.

[michaelk]

This OW saw an opportunity and took it and ran with my man.

 

Don't cast it as her doing. He went into the situation with his eyes open and of his own volition. He has to own up to what he's done.

 

Yes, I'm sure his psychology at the time (mid-life crisis or whatever) led him to make bad choices. But he can't justify or escape responsibility for what he did just because his head was in the wrong place at the time.

[Reckless]

or another good friend.

 

Re-read the (really good) posts you have had here, but do NOT, I repeat, do not give him a present!!!

 

As for the anger, its just too soon, and when it does come it can be terrible so don't wish it on yourself. Accept what you are feeling now, feelings have their own justification.

 

You have indeed a bond with your husband that will be hard to break but remember by cushioning the pain for him you are in fact helping him to break that bond. You are helping him ease away, covering over the terrible consequences both for you and for your chidren of what he has done. YOU HAVE TO STOP this immediately.

 

Find a friend, go stay with your mother for christmas, do what ever you have to do but cut the bond, YOU cut the bond and let him bleed. There's nothing like the shock of red to bring you to your senses! It sounds vicious but he has trashed his marriage and you are still clearing up after him. In doing this you are saying "you know what, what you did isn't so bad... its okay, go be happy with her and you haven't really lost me or the children..."

 

This is a lie and in sheltering him you are enabeling him to live that lie. He has lived one, you must refuse to facilitate him living another.

 

In practical terms, re-read the posts, cut off contact, speak through a lawyer and let him feel the pain. I know you love him, but really tough love here is the ONLY way to go.

 

Come back to LS when you feel your resolve weaken.

 

Good Luck,

R

[michaelk]

I don't see how "letting him feel the pain" is any kind of love, much less tough love. It's either an act of self-preservation or one of revenge. Which is fine, but let's call it what it is.

 

The only way you can see it as loving is if you believe that you're somehow saving him because he's out of his senses and his new happiness is an illusion waiting to crash in on him. And perhaps believing that makes it easier. But it's not necessarily true. We don't know what's going on in his head.

[stampdaddy]

I wish I had an answer for you. I've heard many people here say that the 'in love' feeling is something you cannot expect to last, and that it's not really love anyway. That once you're no longer in love, a more mature love takes its place. I've heard others say that love isn't even an emotion - it's a choice you make to care for another person. I continue to wrestle with this.

 

Question: Can you say, " I love LOVING you..."? Do you love LOVING her?? Do you do things automatically to love her, without thought, but just because....?

 

To me, that's Mature Love....