new wave Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm a new member on this forum and this is my first post. Never thought I'd be here but then again guess none of us did.... I could really do with some support at the moment as my life has changed in a way I didn't think possible. This is my story..... I have been with my H for almost 17 years, married for 13 and have 3 lovely children, the youngest is only 1. We have been extremely happy together, faithful and wholly committed to each other, it was love at first sight. Just over a year ago, whilst I was pregnant, I noticed my H behaviour change towards me, esp immediately after our daughter was born. He became distant, withdrawn and quiet. I just put it down to adjusting to having a new baby but as the months passed I began to think otherwise. We began to argue then there would be silences. He began to go out more and his cell phone was always switched to silent and he carried it around with him everywhere. If I saw him receive a text and asked innocently, 'Oh who was that?' he'd snap back at me. It was during the Summer months that I suspected he was having an affair with a colleague of his. To cut a long story short at the end of October I discovered his cell phone bill and her number on it. It was the person I had suspected as her name used to crop up every now and again when he mentioned something to do with work. He had called her 100's of times, day and night (as he would never come to bed with me, stayed up till all hours). To say that I felt hit by a train when I saw this proof is an understatement. My world fell apart when he admitted it and said he was leaving me and the children to be with her. 7 weeks on I can still hardly believe it as we were both the loves of each others lives. Both our families and all our friends are absolutely devastated and in a state of shock. I have lost a huge amount of weight and am now on medication and can't work. I have to be strong for the children but it is very hard and each day seems life a battle to get through. H and I have been in almost daily contact since this happened either by text or phone. He has moved in to a house that this women owns but she doesn't live in it, she lives a short drive away with her children. He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me anymore and that his feelings started to change a year ago. We have both shed many tears over these last few weeks and it has been desperately sad and devastating to deal with. I have asked him to come back, that I forgive him and love him more than anything but he has always refused. I realise now it is because he is 'in love' with this other women. He told me yesterday after I stupidly asked him. I really wished I didn't know as it is just another kick in the teeth for me. My heart has completely broken and I feel so desperate and hurt, it makes me breathless the pain is so bad sometimes. He came to get his final belongings yesterday and we both cried for hours. He kept saying, I wish I could turn back the clock, this was never meant to happen, I wanted to stay with you forever etc.. etc but it is clear he intends to continue along a path with this other woman. I have been reading his constant contact and tears as a sign that we have a chance together but I now realise he is simply mourning the end of our marriage. He told me yesterday that he always wants me to be a part of his life, and even took a photo of me I discovered under some old books I had moved. I told him that I can only speak re children, access, finances etc.. and nothing else now as he has someone else (we had been having hour long telephone calls together). I still dream of him every night, think about him all day and hope that we can be together again some day. Do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone again, after the feelings have gone? I know he still cares for me, loves me even, but just not in the same way. He says he thinks about me all the time and misses me very much, I do him. We cried in each other arms yesterday for ages, very heart breaking. I know I hve to get on with my life without him and look forward to rebuilding my self esteem and confidence (which is rock bottom now) and be strong for the children but it is very hard. Has anyone ever heard of love returning after it's gone?..... of couples getting back together after years apart? I still can't imagine never being with him again, it just seems so unreal still. He said yesterday that when we are together it still feels very 'normal' and 'right'. I guess I'll just have to wait for his love for this other person so go so maybe he'll think of me again..... he still wears his wedding ring although I've taken mine off. Please tell me the pain eases over time as I can't imagine months of this ahead of me..... Thank you so much for reading this and any advice would be much appreciated.
Curmudgeon Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I know I have to get on with my life without him and look forward to rebuilding my self esteem and confidence (which is rock bottom now) and be strong for the children but it is very hard. Has anyone ever heard of love returning after it's gone?..... of couples getting back together after years apart? I still can't imagine never being with him again, it just seems so unreal still. He said yesterday that when we are together it still feels very 'normal' and 'right'. I guess I'll just have to wait for his love for this other person so go so maybe he'll think of me again..... he still wears his wedding ring although I've taken mine off. Please tell me the pain eases over time as I can't imagine months of this ahead of me..... Thank you so much for reading this and any advice would be much appreciated. ...but I think it rare that a relationship, once broken, comes back together -- not unheard of but neither is it a common occurrence. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds, as the saying goes, but it does help. Getting on with your life as if this is just the way things are going to be is an absolute imperative, not just for you but for the children as well. They deserve a whole mother in their lives and you're wise to recognize that reality and necessity. Just as you managed to get through yesterday, you'll likely get through today. Getting through the holidays will likely be the most difficult challenge you'll ever face but you'll do it because your children need you to. If, at some time, he wishes to return, please remember that the circle is broken because of him so tread warily. The onus of repairing it is also on him. You don't need to have this happen to you and your family again. Best of luck and be strong!
PerfectLee Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 You came to this site to receive real feedback, and my experience on this site is that...that's exactly what you'll get. We "keep it real" on this site. lol I'm sorry for this loss, it really is "a loss" and you're grieving right now. Your H made a decision, a choice, and you can't blame yourself for it. Even if he's leaving because he resents you, or he's mad at you, it really is his problem. I really shouldn't talk though...I'm not married, don't have children, I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. But from experience I know the pain. Right now..sorry to say...time won't heal your wounds. It hurts like hell right now. Time is irrelavant isn't it? All I can say is make sure you don't lose yourself during this time. Keep yourself busy, do things with your kids, go into counseling for yourself so you have someone to talk to, cry a lot, and most of all take it one day at a time. Hope that helps a little.
brainless twit Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Hugs to you, new wave. I'm sorry you're here. I discovered my H's affair with a coworker in August 2006. It hadn't become physical, but only because I found out early on. We are now in recovery after over a year of ups and downs. I went through much of what you posted about. The whole, "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech, him moving out, the tears, medication, and absolute devastation. For several months, he wavered between the life he and I built together and a life with this new, "better" woman. Every time I felt like things might turn around for us, I would catch him contacting her again. He had already moved on in his own heart, and I was left picking up the pieces. One day something just snapped in me. I was sick of waiting for him to choose me - I thought he made that choice when we got married! I was sick of hurting, sick of worrying and crying and not being able to function enough to take care of our son. So I called him and told him that I would be filing for divorce. I told him if he could throw away everything he had without caring what it was doing to his family, he deserved her. And I meant it; I had an appointment with my attorney. For some reason, though, while me freaking out and begging and pleading didn't have any effect on him, the thought that I was moving on with my life did. He showed up on my doorstep crying and begging to come home. I can't promise you that your H will do the same thing if you get ready to divorce him. But I can tell you this. If you truly make a decision to STOP this madness, whether or not it brings him back, you will be able to move beyond the pain of his betrayal and reclaim your life. You have to get to a point where, if he comes back, great, but if not, oh well. You can only control YOU and YOUR actions. I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I hope you find peace.
MissMaris Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Your story just about broke my heart. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. My dad left my mom after 30+ years of marriage to be with another woman and the first year after his departure were extremely difficult for her. Like you, she lost a lot of weight, needed medication just to function and started having terrible panic attacks. We (her children) rallied to support her, but it was just terrible seeing her so broken and despondent. It also happened to a family friend of ours. Her husband left her for her secretary. I don't know if it's mid-life crises or what......but it has always left me leery of marriage and long-term relationships. Here's how both scenarios ended up; My mom and dad never got back together. She got herself into therapy and he pursued his new relationship, which crumbled shortly after their divorce was 'official'. Interestingly, many relationships which start out as affairs tend to fall apart once the original marriage is dissolved. That is probably small comfort to you, but it's fact. Anyway, my dad met someone else and has been with her for nine years now. My mother also met someone new, has been with him for years and he and his family have merged with ours nicely. Sadly, my mother and father did not have a nice ending to their marriage -- my mother remains angry and bitter towards him to this day. I really wish she could find peace in her heart but I am not sure how she would achieve this. Their marriage ending was a huge shock to all of us too. I understand how devastating things like this are, not just to betrayed spouse but to the surrounding family members. For months, we all kind of went around in a state of shock. As for my mother's friend......her husband had a 6-month live-in arrangement with his secretary before that love affair ended. He ended up missing his wife and family so badly that he begged to be taken back. She told him no way, not unless they did marriage counseling FIRST. So they did. He ended up coming back home. Things seemed OK, although we lost touch with them shortly after that so I'm not sure if they are still together. I think some couples work things out and some don't. Some marriages still have love in them and some do not. Sometimes people change too much to continue on with their relationships. I wish I had a better answer for you and I don't know if these stories help or not. But reach out to as many friends as you can, online or real-life. Get help wherever you can. I wish you and your children the best of luck. God Bless Maris
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