MarriedBoy23 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Just wanted to ask any advice from anyone regarding my situation. My wife and i have been married for about 3 months now and have been together for about 3 years and up until about a year ago the sex was awesome. Maybe 2 to 3 times a day and just basically enjoying ourselves. But just within this past year she hasnt been interested in having sex anymore and she doesnt know why or at least thats what she says. I know for a fact shes not seeing anyone else because the love is still there but its driving me insane that pretty much every night i goto bed disappointed. I love her and i want to be with only her but i catch myself looking at other women only because im sexually frustrated. I would never do anyhing to hurt her but im stuck in a situation and i dont know what to do. Can anyone help?
ElvenPriestess Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Wow, I'm also 23 and in a sexless marriage, but I'm a woman, so I've got the other side of the fence. She may be harboring feelings that she hasn't expressed but has kept inside. And whatever it is could be effecting her sex drive. It could be depression, or any other sort of emotion that depletes the urge to be intimate. Has she ever displayed these signs at all? My husband doesn't really give me a straight answer, except that when we have problems he is distant. And he's usually too busy or too tired. But as you say, the longer it becomes, the more you search for a true reason, something deeper. All I can say is try sitting down and talking to her. Maybe she's going through feelings she doesn't realize are the direct cause of this.
tweedle-dee Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I really did not expect to read this. It is really sad to be in a sexless marriage/relationship. Even though sex is nothing major in a relationship, it is a big issue if it is being missed out on by someone. I remember going to bed and waking up disappointed almost everyday for about 2 years. And all my bf could say is that I turn him off or upset him or he's tired or doesn't feel like it or i'll get the later not now and it never happened. I've been through it all and all I wondered don't men like sex? Why is he like this. Your best way through this is try to understand what it is she's feeling that's leading to this. Even if she doesn't know, you can just try to watch her behaviour and see what's bothering her or what is running through her mind. Talk to her. If you can't get a straight answer of if she's not really aware of it, then the work will be in trying to figure out what the source it.. Wish you all the best.
brothermartin Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 The answer: Porn. It helped me get through my sexless relationships, up to the very end. Just don't let her know about it or see it. No sex will be the least of your problems if that happens. In her case, try not to make a huge issue of it with her. If I learned anything from my ex it's this: the more attention you bring to an issue someone has, the more of an issue it becomes for both parties. Give her some time and space to sort this out herself before you throw out the "s**t or get off the pot!" ultimatums. Good luck man.
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 She needs to see her Dr and have a full physical done to make sure her health is okay. Is she still affectionate? Do you two hold hands, cuddle and kiss or is the actual intimacy missing too? Do you two live stressful lives? Meaning job stress, health issues, maybe problems in the family circle? How is the rest of your marriage aside from no sex? Do you two make time to go out and do things together, spend time together? Just wondering if the no sex thing is a reaction to something else that could be going on..
Mr. Lucky Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 What does she do when you approach her in bed? Does she directly say no? Mr. Lucky
Rachel_0814p Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 After 3 years, sex does drop off. Once a week should be considered normal, minimal. But it's a bad sign if she's never in the mood. There must be an underlying intimacy problem that's holding her back, something she probably doesn't understand and can't put it into words, which makes trying to fix it feel even more challenging, if not impossible. Regardless of what she says, she's not fine and something must be done. Your first move should be getting her to open up and talk about it with you so that she can trust you--and herself--enough with such an embarrassing issue (and it is a bit embarrassing for us when we can't figure our own bodies out). If you can get her to lay down some adjectives about how she feels during intimate encounters (what goes through her mind when you try to initiate, whether she likes or dislikes something specific that you do physically to initiate, how she feels just thinking about having sex, etc.) then perhaps the root of it will start to show itself and then you can both find a solution to the problem together. It could be a stress related issue, and once that stress is gone things will go back to normal. OR it could be a timing issue. You said you used to do it every night and you were both into it. Maybe her energy levels have changed (she's more sexual in the morning vs. nighttime) or her hormone cycle has changed (middle of the day is better, end of the evening she's too beat to feel sexy). This sort of thing has happened to a lot of women I know. Maybe she doesn't feel physically attractive and her self consciousness is getting in the way of her ability to be intimate. This also happens to a lot of women I know. Whether it's weight gain, acne, a bad hair cut, just feeling run down all the time, etc. make sure she knows you think she's beautiful. And I'm not talking about, "Oh baby, you're so hot you make me horny! Let's get naked" I mean, "Honey, you are so pretty. I just thought you should know that." with no strings attached. (If only more men understood this, they'd be getting great sex morning noon and night!) Your post says you go to bed frustrated every night. You're not asking her for it every night, are you?? If so, STOP. She'll learn to resent sex if you're constantly hounding her for it. Since no one's really touched on patterns of the female sex drive, I think it's very important to point out that when a woman goes too long without having an orgasm, her ability to orgasm seems to go in hibernation mode and it is nearly impossible to climax. The frustration of not being able to climax is such an intense disappointment that being disappointed becomes a physical reaction, which illicits dread. And then the brain associates sex with dread. So now its an automatic response that at just the mention of sex, a woman's libido goes on strike. So then the question is, how do you turn her libido back on? BY GIVING HER GOOD, ORGASMIC SEX. And what's the quickest way for a woman to climax?? Well...have that two of you ever used toys together??? A little bullet vibe might just be the extra "OOMPH" she needs to get over that threshold and back on her way to a healthy sex drive! Vibrators have helped thousands of women take back control of their orgasms, whether used alone or with their partners. Anyway...just some of my suggestions.
Beavis1975 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Porn is not the answer. It only destroys a marriage. Are you listening to what you just said? "Just don't let her know about it or see it." Great advice. Let's start off the marriage on the right foot with some good old-fashioned lying.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 It only destroys a marriage.Jeez - extreme, much? Porn in itself doesn't 'destroy' a marriage. A woman who has zero tolerance for a man having any enjoyment at ALL in life can, however, kill a marriage far quicker than porn. You might want to consider loosening up a bit. Sheesh.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Porn is not the answer. It only destroys a marriage. Are you listening to what you just said? "Just don't let her know about it or see it." Great advice. Let's start off the marriage on the right foot with some good old-fashioned lying. I COMPLETELY second this statement. So long as either side is hiding anything there's no doubt problems will always spawn. Communication is key, not something as corruptive as porn.
shadowofman Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Porn is the answer to sexual frustrastion in my book. It's better than exploding. I think you should just deal with the fact that she does have an interest in sex. Maybe it's not a problem at all to her. As you have said, the love is still there and that's all that matters. Right? That's once way of looking at it. Satisfying yourself is your only option. It doesn't have to be video porn. Get yourself some erotica books and start jerking it in the bed beside her. She won't be able to ignore it. And if she gets upset with you for it, well, I would suggest leaving her if she's angry you still have a libido. Sexless marriage is nothing more than a friendship where you are not willing to be happy and you won't allow your friend to be happy.
Elyssa Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Get yourself some erotica books and start jerking it in the bed beside her. She won't be able to ignore it. And if she gets upset with you for it, well, I would suggest leaving her if she's angry you still have a libido. All that's going to do is making her resent him. He has a right to be sexually fulfilled, but she also has a right to be respected and not constantly harassed when she has expressed no desire to be sexual at a given time. This suggestion will force her into a situation she doesn't want to be in (in bed, no less, so she can't even sleep!) and thus end up in resentment and possibly sleeping separately and making things much worse. Rachel_0814p has the right idea. Stop asking her every single night. Wait until she's in a good mood and then try. Don't get angry if she says no. If she agrees, make sure she has a great time, even if that means focusing mostly on her for once. Doing this, she is more likely to look forward to the next time. Ever considered that could be one of the reasons why she doesn't seem very interested in sex anymore? You say you used to have sex 2-3 times a day in the beginning. Did she orgasm every time? I doubt it. Furthermore, having sex that often is bound to cause her some soreness, and that only makes subsequent sex painful and less enjoyable. Quality over quantity, my friend! -E
MrsHellnoFire Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 WHAT has changed in the last year to influence her libido? Stress, major change, death in the family, etc??
HoustonScrewed Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Something is wrong! I would get to finding the base problem, don't just look for the porn, or sexual satisfaction but look for what is causing the problem.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 After 3 years, sex does drop off. Once a week should be considered normal, minimal. Once a week normal? That wouldn't be satisfactory to me at all. I've also been married almost three years- I'm 40 at that, and my sex life hasn't tapered off at all. Normal is what is normal for that person, in their relationship. Some people go months without having sex and both are fine with that.
OWoman Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Once a week normal? That wouldn't be satisfactory to me at all. Sex with your spouse on Shabbat is a mizvah (a duty), if you're Jewish. I guess all the other times per week must be fun, and not duty...
Brendan Ireland Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Just wanted to ask any advice from anyone regarding my situation. My wife and i have been married for about 3 months now and have been together for about 3 years and up until about a year ago the sex was awesome. Maybe 2 to 3 times a day and just basically enjoying ourselves. But just within this past year she hasnt been interested in having sex anymore and she doesnt know why or at least thats what she says. I know for a fact shes not seeing anyone else because the love is still there but its driving me insane that pretty much every night i goto bed disappointed. I love her and i want to be with only her but i catch myself looking at other women only because im sexually frustrated. I would never do anyhing to hurt her but im stuck in a situation and i dont know what to do. Can anyone help? Can I get this right - you are both in your early 20s and married and there is no sex. You should be at it like bunny rabbits at your age. Have you any children? Little doubt young children will inhibit your sexual activity - either (a) too tired (b) sleep is more important than sex when you have babies © they have a habit of waking at critical times or walking in on you saying I can't sleep, need a bottle or drink or are frightened etc. but if you have no small children you should both be enjoying a great period of sexual activity if not - ask her what's gone wrong and if its the marriage - you might need to address it (ie terminate it) before you get into a rut
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