I Need An Answer Dammit!!!

[brothermartin]

HOW COULD SHE TREAT ME THAT WAY!? HOW COULD SHE SAY SHE LOVES ME, BUT THEN THROW ME AWAY LIKE THAT!? HOW COULD SHE BE SO KIND AND CARING AND LOVING, BUT TURN SO MEAN AND SPITEFUL!? What was I to her, really? How did/dose she really see me? Was I a real love that got lost to her, or was I just an investment that didn't pan out?! I feel like I can't completely move on and be really over this until I know, and It's driving me crazy to not know! Should I just ask her these questions!? I don't see that I have anything more to lose by doing so! But I'm afraid that I will lose something if I do! SHE TOOK THE ONE THING FROM ME THAT I COULDN'T STAND TO LOSE,...MY COMFORT WITH MYSELF!!! Now, I feel like I'll never really amount to anything! I'll never be happy with anyone because I'll always be waiting for whoever to drop the other shoe on me!! I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE CONSIDER ME A DISAPPOINTMENT!! OR A "WATSE OF THERE TIME!" ( her words to me) EVER!!!:mad: I don't want to become that bitter old man you see sitting alone at the bar, staring at my drink and hating people that found happiness with each other! But I also don't want to be that bitter old guy hiding at the bar from a terrible wife and marriage! All I really want from her is an answer, or an apology. I mean really, who got hurt more, the dumper or the dumped?! Don't I deserve to know why I was treated this way?!! DON'T I AT LEAST DESERVE THE F**KING RESPECT OF AN HONEST ANSWER!??:mad:

Is that too much to ask?!

[Citizen Erased]

Aww sweetie (((hugs)))

 

Prepare yourself for never getting an answer to all your questions. You need to work on yourself. Apart from her. To get to the point where you don't need her excuses, her lies. What a heartless thing to say, you aren't worthy of her time. If anyone is a waste of time it is her. And she certainly is not worthy of impacting your life so you turn old and bitter. You are above that. Tell yourself this.

 

Embrace your anger. Don't dwell in it, use it to get over her. Just remember SHE is not worth you wasting time on.

[brothermartin]

Aww sweetie (((hugs)))

 

Prepare yourself for never getting an answer to all your questions. You need to work on yourself. Apart from her. To get to the point where you don't need her excuses, her lies. What a heartless thing to say, you aren't worthy of her time. If anyone is a waste of time it is her. And she certainly is not worthy of impacting your life so you turn old and bitter. You are above that. Tell yourself this.

 

Embrace your anger. Don't dwell in it, use it to get over her. Just remember SHE is not worth you wasting time on.

 

Thanks DC. I'm gonna go cry now.

[Citizen Erased]

Thanks DC. I'm gonna go cry now.

 

Oh hon I'm so sorry this has happened to you

[Jade 02]

So sorry brother,I know it stinks,and try to remember who is number one.

 

Im trying to d the same thing. I dont understand this love thing,WHAT do you mean love?? The person has to love themselves before they can love anyone else,and that were I am stuck.

Good luck hun,shes not the only one who will ever love you.

[marlena]

There are no answers, unfortunately. It is a fact of life that people, whether with or without intent, often hurt one another. The sooner we come to terms with this knowledge, they better of we will be.

 

Use this knowledge to strengthen your character. It is the best investment you can make to protect yourself from "the slings and arrows" that unfortunately life throws at us.

 

You can do it!

 

Marlena

[coco_milkshake]

HOW COULD SHE TREAT ME THAT WAY!? HOW COULD SHE SAY SHE LOVES ME, BUT THEN THROW ME AWAY LIKE THAT!? HOW COULD SHE BE SO KIND AND CARING AND LOVING, BUT TURN SO MEAN AND SPITEFUL!? What was I to her, really? How did/dose she really see me? Was I a real love that got lost to her, or was I just an investment that didn't pan out?! I feel like I can't completely move on and be really over this until I know, and It's driving me crazy to not know! Should I just ask her these questions!? I don't see that I have anything more to lose by doing so! But I'm afraid that I will lose something if I do! SHE TOOK THE ONE THING FROM ME THAT I COULDN'T STAND TO LOSE,...MY COMFORT WITH MYSELF!!! Now, I feel like I'll never really amount to anything! I'll never be happy with anyone because I'll always be waiting for whoever to drop the other shoe on me!! I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE CONSIDER ME A DISAPPOINTMENT!! OR A "WATSE OF THERE TIME!" ( her words to me) EVER!!!:mad: I don't want to become that bitter old man you see sitting alone at the bar, staring at my drink and hating people that found happiness with each other! But I also don't want to be that bitter old guy hiding at the bar from a terrible wife and marriage! All I really want from her is an answer, or an apology. I mean really, who got hurt more, the dumper or the dumped?! Don't I deserve to know why I was treated this way?!! DON'T I AT LEAST DESERVE THE F**KING RESPECT OF AN HONEST ANSWER!??:mad:

Is that too much to ask?!

 

Awwwww. :(

 

I can assure you hon that you are not a disappointment and would certainly not be a waste of anyone's time. *hugs*

 

I know its not easy and judging from how much you are cut from this, that you loved her very much. You need to start believing in yourself and build up your confidence a lot more. Dont take her words to heart, she means nothing now ok? She walked out of your life and IMO has missed out on being with a great guy like you.

 

Dont cry over her, stand up, hold your head high and live your life as you please. Show her that you are happy without her. Show her what she is missing.

 

Concentrate on yourself for now and take care of the wounds she gave you. We are also here to help you on that. You are a great guy and dong let anyone tell you any different.

 

P.S. Coco loves ya!!

[tinke]

brothermartin, i'm sorry for your pain. i do understand your feelings of loss, and being confused...ungrounded.

 

it's been 9 mo. for me now, and although it has lessened, the sting of his departure and the non-chalant way he left, still effects me.

 

i believe there is nothing more cruel than to leave a relationship without words, explanation, closure of some sort. it leaves the other party dangling- repeating words, scenarios looking for some sense of things for a looong time.

 

i still look back with much pain in my heart, in total disbelief.

BUT...i also look at this is a strong statement on HIS character. that he is able to disrespect me so easily, without blinking an eye.

 

i must say, i understand your thoughts...it is misery.

but, as myself, you may never get the answers you seek. somehow, you will work through some tangible thoughts that make sense to you an enable you to begin letting go.

 

don't allow her to take your self-worth...that is YOURS!

she said some hurtful things to you, perhaps to allow herself to remove her emotions to leave. whatever the reason, it was unneccesary and of poor character on her part.

it is a low reflection of her, don't take it to heart. don't allow her to have your self-value!

 

whatever the reason....keep in mind, people show their true worth during the darkest of times. she proved she is not only cruel, but also unworthy. the decent thing to do, would have been to discuss matters/concerns BEFORE she felt she needed to leave the relationship.

 

keep you in mind, and remember who you are and what your values are.

her leaving the way she did....can you value someone like that?

 

it will lessen with time, trust this. take good care...wishing you peace!

[brothermartin]

Thanks everybody. Yes, I did love her. With all my heart. And I know I'm better than how she made me feel. It just hurts so much to think that I gave someone my heart and ultimately it meant nothing to them. Or maybe it did. Maybe she did what she did as some sort of crazy way to let me go because she knew I wouldn't just run away and give up, like she did. I don't know. I think that maybe I was a rebound for her. We had both gotten out of some bad relationships when we started seeing each other again.(we dated for a little while about 5 years ago.) I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another woman again. I want to, but it just dose not seem worth the risk anymore.

[astrabunni]

Hey Brothermartin,

 

i know it can easy to feel that way but it took me a long time to see that my ex was never right for me, and its easy looking back to only see the good times. Its fine not to think about even starting to date yet. When it feels right it will happen. Right now you need to concentrate on your own self worth. Please don't put yourself down. You are worth ten times her and i know this because from what you said she gave up on you both and you were willing to fight. You now need to concentrate on things that make you happy that don't involve another person. Do the things you've always wanted to do but your ex held you back from. At least this way you'll feel empowered and if she ever asks she'll see u are moving on and getting on with your life.

 

I also found that thinking that there was a 'reason' it didn't work out helped a lot. I believe that we are all creators of our reality and there was something you have to learn from every positive and negative in your life in order to grow. Try to look back and see where she wasn't good enough for you or what she lacked that you needed her to be and focus on that. It also helped me to think that if my ex had stayed with me and we had carried on with him treating me like he did i would have ended it anyway. I don't know what your relationship was like with your ex, but sometimes taking control, even in your own head and maybe writing all of what you feel down can help.

 

I hope you start to feel more positive soon and are able to move on to better things (they do exist!)

 

well wishes and hugs xx

 

ab x

[brothermartin]

Thank you BUNNI. I know I need to focus my attention on me and none on why or what if. I'll try to take that advice.

[brothermartin]

Awwwww. :(

 

I can assure you hon that you are not a disappointment and would certainly not be a waste of anyone's time. *hugs*

 

I know its not easy and judging from how much you are cut from this, that you loved her very much. You need to start believing in yourself and build up your confidence a lot more. Dont take her words to heart, she means nothing now ok? She walked out of your life and IMO has missed out on being with a great guy like you.

 

Dont cry over her, stand up, hold your head high and live your life as you please. Show her that you are happy without her. Show her what she is missing.

 

Concentrate on yourself for now and take care of the wounds she gave you. We are also here to help you on that. You are a great guy and dong let anyone tell you any different.

 

P.S. Coco loves ya!!

 

:DThanks COCO! You dont know how much better you've made me feel!

[Ronni_W]

YES...YOU DO DESERVE RESPECT! You do deserve to feel comfortable with yourself.

 

SHE does not deserve to be the one who turns you into that bitter, lonely old drunk! Do NOT let her do that to you. (Cos I'll smile at you when I see you in the bar but I gotta admit, I'll be kinda scared, too )

 

Be the loving, kind, caring person that you are...and leave a tiny window open for love and happiness to come and find you. You definitely will amount to EVERYthing that you want to be.

 

Sending hugs and good wishes.

[flosslight]

I had those same questions. This person I love suddenly says all this mean things as we are breaking up. How could he say those things? I was reading love shack and everyone was like in every post I seem to read - NC it is the only way.

 

I could not handle that and about 2 weeks later showed up at his door wanting answers. He was extremely nice and sweet. He gave me the answers he had and it gave me some closure. I realized later it had helped but it did not matter. He gave me a glimpse of the man I fell in love with but just because you are confused or upset does not give you an excuse to say mean things.

 

Maybe your person will be mean and not give you a rational answer, or maybe she will give you answers. If you have not begged or stalk, then find you answers. For me, it did not give me that much closure because in the end he did not want to be with me and he could not take back that he had said the mean things. Even if she give you some good reasons for saying what she said, will it actually make a difference in how you feel better?

[PrincessBOT]

HOW COULD SHE TREAT ME THAT WAY!? HOW COULD SHE SAY SHE LOVES ME, BUT THEN THROW ME AWAY LIKE THAT!? HOW COULD SHE BE SO KIND AND CARING AND LOVING, BUT TURN SO MEAN AND SPITEFUL!? What was I to her, really? How did/dose she really see me? Was I a real love that got lost to her, or was I just an investment that didn't pan out?! I feel like I can't completely move on and be really over this until I know, and It's driving me crazy to not know! Should I just ask her these questions!? I don't see that I have anything more to lose by doing so! But I'm afraid that I will lose something if I do! SHE TOOK THE ONE THING FROM ME THAT I COULDN'T STAND TO LOSE,...MY COMFORT WITH MYSELF!!! Now, I feel like I'll never really amount to anything! I'll never be happy with anyone because I'll always be waiting for whoever to drop the other shoe on me!! I REFUSE TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE CONSIDER ME A DISAPPOINTMENT!! OR A "WATSE OF THERE TIME!" ( her words to me) EVER!!!:mad: I don't want to become that bitter old man you see sitting alone at the bar, staring at my drink and hating people that found happiness with each other! But I also don't want to be that bitter old guy hiding at the bar from a terrible wife and marriage! All I really want from her is an answer, or an apology. I mean really, who got hurt more, the dumper or the dumped?! Don't I deserve to know why I was treated this way?!! DON'T I AT LEAST DESERVE THE F**KING RESPECT OF AN HONEST ANSWER!??:mad:

Is that too much to ask?!

 

Five months ago I felt the same exact way you did. I've reflected a lot and wished I had the answer to the questions like the ones you have. The reality sets in that you may never have the answers.

 

People tried to tell me it doesn't matter why he doesn't want to be with you, it just matters that he doesn't. After awhile I began to see the logic. Although your girlfriend may have been very close to you she is a separate individual. She has thoughts, feeling, insecurities, fears, wants, and expectations that may have nothing to do with you. But they may influence her feeling toward you no matter what you've done or been through. So yes for her it may be too much to ask for answers, because it will make her have to face those feelings, insecurities, fears and expectations.

 

Like you, my self esteem also took a hit. I felt stupid for believing him when he told me he loved me and was ready to move to the next level (engagement). Months later when he said he couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with me, I took it out on myself. I was mad at myself for not seeing the signs (that I didn’t' know were signs). Don't be so hard on yourself, you lived and achieved before her you will after her.

 

As far as waiting for the shoe to drop, try to think of this in terms of trusting another person. I struggle with this issue also. However, I honestly think that we are capable of trusting again, just not so easily. It means that we will protect our hearts. Whoever we give our trust and heart to will have to truly earn it. That is not all bad because it lessens the chance of unnecessary heartbreak. We just have to be careful not to fall into mind set that we will never trust another person.

 

Also right now you want answers, but the answers she gives will most likely never be enough. Why? Because they don't give you what you want, her love and affection and to know she still cares. After my break, I thought, if only he would call once, I would be okay. I somehow thought that one call would be the beginning of getting back together. After the call ended I felt a few hours of relief then I wanted more.

 

I think that when a relationship ends that an explanation is the most respectable thing and the other person deserves an answer. However, over the last few months I've come to accept that the answers they give may not be the answers we need to help us with the hurt and pain. They are however answers. It is horrible that she said you were a disappointment, but remember she had her own expectations and maybe she was disappointed. That is her answer, but that does not mean you are a disappointment or will disappoint the next person you decide to be with.

 

I know it is hard, but stop looking for answers that you think will make you feel better. It is making you angry, I know. I let my anger at my situation cause me to become violent. Not a good thing, but I felt I deserved more. In reality he didn't owe me anything. I owed to myself to get through the pain until he or what he thought didn't matter anymore. I cut all contact and it was hard because his family kept contacting me. I got through it as each day pass it become more and more of a memory and also a lesson.

 

Keep posting to let your feeling out.

[brothermartin]

This weekend, I had a small talk with a mutual friend of ours. This friend told me that it hurt my ex very much to break up with me. I don't think she knows what happened after she dumped me though. It's hard being around the people that were our friends when we were together and not just blurting out to them what a mean-hearted b**ch she really was to me! But I won't do that. I'm better than that, and I believe the truth about all this will come out,...someday. I also think that my anger may be coming from knowing that no one knows about it. Just me and her. It seems completely unfair, that she has these people fooled into thinking she's the victim and I'm the f**kup! But I think that's just paranoia talking. If people really believe that knowing that they only got HER side of the story, then they shouldn't be my friends anyway.

 

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I'll try to keep focus on myself.

Especially you PRINCESS. Your story and words have given me a lot to consider. Thank you again.

[bserious2012]

You might never get an answer. You might never get closure. It really depends on how she feels about you and the relationship; that what will determine if she's going to give you more information. If she feels like she's made the best, most obvious decision she might think its obvious to you also or she just might not care. I know after my long, serious live in relationship I told him whatever he needed to hear but I also made it very clear we were never going to be the same. I dated other people and although I talked to him and even had casual dates the passion wasn't there it was just the fact that I was use to him. We still talk to this day though. Other not so serious relationship get little or no closure because its just a dating situation but I know if someone felt like they really need to know what happened I would let them.

[brothermartin]

You might never get an answer. You might never get closure. It really depends on how she feels about you and the relationship; that what will determine if she's going to give you more information. If she feels like she's made the best, most obvious decision she might think its obvious to you also or she just might not care. I know after my long, serious live in relationship I told him whatever he needed to hear but I also made it very clear we were never going to be the same. I dated other people and although I talked to him and even had casual dates the passion wasn't there it was just the fact that I was use to him. We still talk to this day though. Other not so serious relationship get little or no closure because its just a dating situation but I know if someone felt like they really need to know what happened I would let them.

 

I already know WHY she left me. What I don't know is why she turned into this mean, spiteful assh**e AFTER she left. I got accused of stuff, insulted a number of times, ugly txt. messages. Some real nasty s**t! She apologized for some of it, but that didn't tell me WHERE it all came from in the first place. What I really want to know is did she really love ME, or did she just stick around hoping I would become more than, well, more than what I am.

[sedgwick]

could have written EVERY WORD of that myself. giant hugs and empathy to you...

[brothermartin]

could have written EVERY WORD of that myself. giant hugs and empathy to you...

 

Thanks SEDGWICK. What if I broke your ex's hands, and you just beat the crap out of my ex? Then we could go out together and have a justice party!

[PrincessBOT]

Thanks SEDGWICK. What if I broke your ex's hands, and you just beat the crap out of my ex? Then we could go out together and have a justice party!

 

 

See here is the violence I knew was coming. I actually did beat the crap out of my ex. I was pouring my heart trying to make sense of it all and he started smiling. I know it was crazy because I was standing in front of the door because I didn't want him to leave, but I felt we had more to talk about. He said "that's it I'm done", so I guess to him it was funny that he could tell someone he's done and they still want him to stay. That b@$tard smiled and I couldn't believe it. I said why are you smiling he said he wasn't smiling, he was smirking. We'll I made sure he wasn't smirking anymore when he went running for dear life, trying to regain his balance and sight and clutching his privates.....

 

Ok you get the point. BrotherMartin I know what how it feels to think that they turn evil and heartless. That's how I felt about my ex at the point. Now, I laugh everytime I think of him smirking then running for cover, lol. Ok Ok seriously I would not suggest the violence.

[brothermartin]

See here is the violence I knew was coming. I actually did beat the crap out of my ex. I was pouring my heart trying to make sense of it all and he started smiling. I know it was crazy because I was standing in front of the door because I didn't want him to leave, but I felt we had more to talk about. He said "that's it I'm done", so I guess to him it was funny that he could tell someone he's done and they still want him to stay. That b@$tard smiled and I couldn't believe it. I said why are you smiling he said he wasn't smiling, he was smirking. We'll I made sure he wasn't smirking anymore when he went running for dear life, trying to regain his balance and sight and clutching his privates.....

 

Ok you get the point. BrotherMartin I know what how it feels to think that they turn evil and heartless. That's how I felt about my ex at the point. Now, I laugh everytime I think of him smirking then running for cover, lol. Ok Ok seriously I would not suggest the violence.

Dont worry PRINCESS, I was only joking. I may not have control over some of my emotions right now, but I have complete control over my temper and my sense of humor.

[Lyssa]

It's hard being around the people that were our friends when we were together and not just blurting out to them what a mean-hearted b**ch she really was to me! But I won't do that. I'm better than that, and I believe the truth about all this will come out,...someday.

 

Yes you are better than that. Don't let it get to you - do whatever it takes to make your feel better. Everyone else has great support here for you so the hell with your ex. She doesn't know what she had - it's always too late when they do anyway!

 

Sorry you're going through this pain - it sucks!

[Citizen Erased]

See here is the violence I knew was coming. I actually did beat the crap out of my ex. I was pouring my heart trying to make sense of it all and he started smiling. I know it was crazy because I was standing in front of the door because I didn't want him to leave, but I felt we had more to talk about. He said "that's it I'm done", so I guess to him it was funny that he could tell someone he's done and they still want him to stay. That b@$tard smiled and I couldn't believe it. I said why are you smiling he said he wasn't smiling, he was smirking. We'll I made sure he wasn't smirking anymore when he went running for dear life, trying to regain his balance and sight and clutching his privates.....

 

Ok you get the point. BrotherMartin I know what how it feels to think that they turn evil and heartless. That's how I felt about my ex at the point. Now, I laugh everytime I think of him smirking then running for cover, lol. Ok Ok seriously I would not suggest the violence.

 

NOTE TO SELF: Do not piss Princess off

[brothermartin]

Yes you are better than that. Don't let it get to you - do whatever it takes to make your feel better. Everyone else has great support here for you so the hell with your ex. She doesn't know what she had - it's always too late when they do anyway!

 

Sorry you're going through this pain - it sucks!

 

Thank you LYSSA. I want to believe that, it's just hard to feel that right now.

I think that the reason I'm still stuck with these feelings is because there was no real closure for me. I cant believe that she could really be that self-centered and so convinced that she was totally right about everything. But I guess I don't have a choice about what to believe.