nextel Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 MM and I have know each other for a while (4 years+). When I met him, he was not married. He pursued me at the time but I was not in a position to be with someone that was as stable as he was. He had 2 children and was a single father. Truth is, I was still immature. He never married the mother of his children and she moved out of the state. 2 years ago, he married a woman that is pretty close to him in age. We all knew he had made a mistake, but I stayed out of it. This summer, he tried to pursue me again and I pretty much did not give him the opportunity to make any headways. After seeing me with another man, he suddenly picked up his level of pursuing me. Once he had my attention, i told him that I was not interested in being with someone that was married. He mentioned that this was not the situation he should have gotten himself in etc etc. We have been seeing each other since. The mother of his children has moved back in town and they alternate weekends. The weekends that he does not have the children (thursday thru Monday), he spends night at my home, and sometimes we travel out of state. Recently, he introduced me to his brother and best friend. He also bought me a nice car. He has told me on several occassions that he is not hiding me and that he has told his wife at home that there marriage is over. She asked him if he was seeing someone and he told her that he was. She thought that he was seeing the mother of his children and he has told her that it is not her. She has gone on a nationwide campaign calling his relatives, his mother and father, friends, her parents (her father called him castigating him for trying to end the marriage) and anyone that knows him complaining that he wants to leave her for another woman. She has refused to move out and she has told him that she does not care what he does outside the home, but she is not moving out. They don't have any children together. He has been telling me that he would like to go public with our relationship. There is a hangout location where people that we both know like to go to have a drink and have dinner. Obviously if he takes me there, his wife is bound to know because they all know him and his wife. He has taken her there once. He does not take her to places, he claims that he is ashamed to be seen with her. Over the years that I have known him, even after he married her, very few people know her. He has told me that he wants to end things with her without involving lawyers because it will cost him alot that way. Last night, he told me that since he is feeling better, he realizes that he needs to get things moving. In september, he had asked me to give him until January. January is around the corner and I dont know what steps he is going to make. One of the adjustments he has made within his home is that he has hired a babysitter for the days that the children are not with their mother because he does not want his wife to be with his children anymore. The problem is that, he has not even filed for divorce and he wants to go public with our relationship. All my friends are telling me that I should go public as he is requesting, but what if he does not get divorced? I just dont want to be put in a situation were I will be labled. I love this man, and I know he loves me. We talk everyday, we see each other almost everyday, and he spends nights with me and goes to work from my home. I have a lot of his clothing in my home. I guess I would like someone to give me their insight, or prospective. How is this situation looking? Should I take a chance and go public with him? Or shall I wait and see what happens by the end of January? He knows that I want to be married and have children. He wants 2 more children. Don't be nice, just give it to me as you see it. Thanks.
OWoman Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He has been telling me that he would like to go public with our relationship. ... He has told me that he wants to end things with her without involving lawyers because it will cost him alot that way. Last night, he told me that since he is feeling better, he realizes that he needs to get things moving. In september, he had asked me to give him until January. January is around the corner and I dont know what steps he is going to make. ... The problem is that, he has not even filed for divorce and he wants to go public with our relationship. Nextel, I don't see anywhere HIM mentioning that HE plans on divorcing his W. It seems from what you've written that he wants to "end" things with his W, and that he doesn't want to involve lawyers because of the cost. That doesn't sound like divorce to me - that sounds more like some kind of physical, or even just emotional, separation. Has he told you directly he plans to divorce his wife, or is this just something you're assuming? If divorce is not on the cards, are you happy to be the OW in a public relationship? Have you discussed how you feel about that with him? I'm also not sure why the financial aspect is scaring him off divorce - if he has money to buy you a car, he clearly has money he could be spending on lawyers for a divorce. When he promised he'd sort things by January, what did he mean in concrete terms? Did you agree to that? Has he achieved any of it or is he still planning on doing it all in the last week in Jan?
marlena Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I will only say this. Anyone who can treat his wife so disrespectfully can do the same to you. I would be very cautious. There are red flags flying all over the place. Problem is you can't see them. Unfortunately, it is always that way. Love is indeed blind. Step away for a moment and look at this man's past. It speaks volumes.
justice Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Go public now and lets see what happens when the wife fills the judge in on the details in court later.....
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Honestly, I would take a good long look at how this guy resolves problems in his life. If any pop up between the two of you, you will end up in the smoking ruins just like the others he has discarded and misused in his life. I would not under any circumstance advise anyone to get involved with someone who handles life decisions like he does unless he makes some real and serious changes through therapy and financial counseling. Expecting you to date him openly while married is not a great way to start things off. The sh*t will hit the fan, and it sounds like he expects you to stand in front of him to take the larger share of the fallout. If things go horribly wrong with his wife, he will have a convenient scapegoat to beat on: you. I would tell this guy that when he is divorced, can PROVE that he is divorced, has legit CS in order, and living arrangements of his own - then, and only then will you date him. There is no need to let him take you down. He should be working his way up out of this, not dragging you down into it while its still going on. Even afterward, understand that you and your children's lifestyle will be affected greatly by the spousal and child support this guy will have to pay out to his ex, not to mention any legal expenses if his stbxW decides to stick the screws to him and draw out the process for as long as possible. You and your children will always be within smelling distance of the smoke from this guy's burning bridges and often will suffer for it yourselves. Make sure if you want to start a future, that there is actually a chance for a good one. No therapy and counseling = No chance with you. Be careful.
Lizzie60 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 You got to be careful with him. I didn't get why he got married with this woman if he is ashamed of her. I also find it bizarre that he is willing to go public with you but do not want to divorce due to the cost... and what if SHE files for divorce, he will have no choice.. If I were you, I would wait and see what kind of guy he is really... is he buying time with you... maybe he has absolutely no intention of divorcing... Something tells me you cannot trust this man...
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He has told me on several occassions that he is not hiding me and that he has told his wife at home that there marriage is over Though obviously what he is telling her isn't what he is telling you...She is still there and they are still married. I doubt very much that she knows anything. Remember, this man is lying to her, so he could very well easily lie to you as well....... Look, if he hates his wife and thinks his marriage sucks, then he'd be divorcing, right? Well, that isn't happening. He is handling this really badly and you know this just isn't right...You don't want to be the OW, you want more from him, so tell him to call you when the divorce is final. End it and walk away, otherwise this cat and mouse game will go on for years to come.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I agree with everyone...especially Marlena. The way this man treats his W WILL be the way he treats YOU one day. Too many red flags to ignore here....proceed with EXTREME caution!!!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 We have been seeing each other since. She has refused to move out and she has told him that she does not care what he does outside the home, but she is not moving out. They don't have any children together. He has been telling me that he would like to go public with our relationship. Last night, he told me that since he is feeling better, he realizes that he needs to get things moving. In september, he had asked me to give him until January. January is around the corner and I dont know what steps he is going to make. The problem is that, he has not even filed for divorce and he wants to go public with our relationship. All my friends are telling me that I should go public as he is requesting, but what if he does not get divorced? I just dont want to be put in a situation were I will be labled. I love this man, and I know he loves me. We talk everyday, we see each other almost everyday, and he spends nights with me and goes to work from my home. I have a lot of his clothing in my home. I guess I would like someone to give me their insight, or prospective. How is this situation looking? Should I take a chance and go public with him? Or shall I wait and see what happens by the end of January? He knows that I want to be married and have children. He wants 2 more children. Don't be nice, just give it to me as you see it. Thanks. What do you stand to lose from this? It will be difficult for you if he goes public with you and his W is harrassing you two when she finds out about you... How far are you willing to go with this? It won't be easy and if geographically you are close, work is close and she is close...If you truly love him and think it will work, then what's to lose? It doesn't seem like they have much of a R and you might want to stick around until the end of Jan and see if he does what he says he will...and if he doesn't, then break up with him... Sometimes these things do work out...It is for me, but it's taken a long time and the process is mentally taxing for them...You have to know that he is the one for you and he meets your needs...You have to know that even though it will be hard, you're strong enough as couple to get through it and be even stronger from it... I'm sure you'll get different advice, but this is coming from an OW...and my partner is doing what he needs to do...If yours truly loves you and wants you to be his partner, he'll do whatever it takes... What they say about moving mountains for the one you love, is true...And it happens... GEL
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He mentioned that this was not the situation he should have gotten himself in etc etc. So his answer to that was to start chasing tail all over town, is that it? What a guy. He also bought me a nice car.Hey, at least you got a car out of the deal. Too bad his WIFE is half owner of it. Anything acquired DURING the marriage using MARITAL funds is owned by both the wife and husband. Sorry, that's the law. Don't get too attached to your new wheels. She thought that he was seeing the mother of his children and he has told her that it is not her. So he had the balls to tell her what a lying, cheating scumbag he's been, but he doesn't have the balls to tell her WHO it is, is that it? Yet, he wants to make you 'public.' What a moron. He does not take her to places, he claims that he is ashamed to be seen with her.ROFL. Did he marry her in someone's basement - in the DARK and in secret? Please. He has told me that he wants to end things with her without involving lawyers because it will cost him alot that way.Seriously - whose doing his thinking for him? Out of one side of his mouth, he's making a complete FOOL of the woman he married - and claiming he wants to make you 'public' and all that utter tripe he's spewing - and at the same time, he claims he doesn't want to involve lawyers or lose money. What does he think is going to happen once she gets proof of his sleazeball activities and divorces him for infidelity? Even in no-fault states, women can make out pretty good with bonafide proof of their sleazy husband's misdeeds. This guy must be learning challenged if he can't figure THAT out. January is around the corner and I dont know what steps he is going to make.Gosh, I hope you're not holding your breath. One of the adjustments he has made within his home is that he has hired a babysitter for the days that the children are not with their mother because he does not want his wife to be with his children anymore.And have you seen this supposed babysitter - watching his kids every single day? Or is this yet another story he's told you? All my friends are telling me that I should go public as he is requesting, but what if he does not get divorced?Sounds like your friends went to the same school and got the same education your MM did. 'Nuff said. He wants 2 more children.I wouldn't have a DOG with this jerk. He's done NOTHING but throw his kid's security and stability right out the window, acting like a complete idiot and humiliating ALL of them all over town. What is WRONG with this guy? Don't be nice, just give it to me as you see it. Thanks.Done.
Author nextel Posted December 17, 2007 Author Posted December 17, 2007 His marriage was arranged by his cousin's wife. It was a long distance relationship and they got married within 6 months of being introduced and did not get to date in person. His mother disapproved and refuses to visit his home until his marriage is dissolved. Yes, he did tell his w (whom he does not have children with) that he wanted out of the marriage and she has refused to end things. The reason why she would have to move out is because financially, she cannot afford the home and bank will not finance it for her based on her income. He bought the house prior to their marriage. Because he has the children, the courts will not make him leave but they will make him compensate her. They have been married for 2 years. He has custody of his children from a very past relationship and he is a very good dad. Yes, I have met the baby sitter because I am the one that hired her. He told me that he is aware that the courts are not kind to spouses that cheat but that is the price he will have to pay if it comes to that. He is hoping that they can get a mediator as opposed to hiring separate lawyers. GreenEyedLady I am willing to go the distance. But he is also aware that I am don't want to be the other woman and have made that very clear to which he has told me that he will not make me be the OW. In all fairness to him, he did not bad mouth his W until she started calling his family and telling them that he "comes home drunk every night". At times, those calls came when he was in my presence. She has been bad mouthing him and out of frustration, thats when he opened up about his situation with her. I dont believe they have much of a relationship either. He offered to help her get another place and pay for 3 months. I will think real hard about going public. I seriously doubt she is going to confront me about it. She already knows that he is seeing someone, its not a secret. The car is in my name.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Well, most people when they want a D, badmouth their SO anyway, so that's normal...If they think their partner is great, they wouldn't want to D them would they? If you're willing to go the distance, it could take awhile, although from what you've said, he already has one foot out the door anyway... Good luck and keep posting!
Recommended Posts