NotMyselfNEmore Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I wonder if I still know how to get to Goodale Park. I wonder if you remember the very second we actually touched. I felt electricity running through my body. You were impressed with my hair. I believe the question was "Oh... this is really your hair! How is it possible, such black and soft hair"? You immediately held my hand so that we could walk along the trail. I was nervous, very nervous. You told me that I smelled good. You hugged me long and hard and smelled my neck. You have sad eyes you know? But they are the most wonderful sad, yellow eyes I've ever seen. You loved to study my face. I loved to study your mouth. The smell of your beard..... a mix of body pheromones and tobacco. I still think of you when someone around me is smoking a pipe. You were so excited that the Dandelions and the Tulips were finally coming out. Now I can't see one without wanting to text you to tell you all about it. Your hands are soft. But you always had a good grip on mine. I could hold on to your hands for the rest of my life. Now they are empty. My arm wrapped around your chest, holding onto you while you're laying on your side. You held my hands to tightly inside yours and many times you brought them up to your mouth. You never kissed them. Just held them there. I could feel your breath. Every time I tried to get up from the bed were you and I were laying asleep, you would open your eyes and tenderly hold my me back and asked "where are you going?" Watching you sleep with your black hair all over your face was a heavenly bliss to me. Did you know that I used to wake up in the middle of the night and lay there staring at you? You looked so peaceful and so handsome. Your breath still smelled like tobacco and I thought it was the most wonderful smell in the world. I saw how heartbroken you were when Drea didn't want to invite you over so you could see her in her prom dress. You called your brother and cried. I knew there was more to your tears than a temper-tantrum from your daughter. I didn't know what to do. Walking in the rain at OARDC trail. The rain was cold and the day was gloomy. You put a flower on my windshield. I wore that flower behind my ear. Everywhere I go I see something that reminds me of you. We watched The Apostle (and I told you I didn't like it). You thought The Last Temptation of Christ would challenge my faith. You were right. Eating together, me sitting on the couch, you sitting on your blue chair. You would devour my food, and even used your hands to eat. The smell of your face right after you shaved makes me remember that I wanted to smell that for the rest of my life. Wearing your Red Plaid Shirt when I was cold.... that was erotic. You even buttoned it for me. I got mad at you often. But that was because I knew that you weren't completely honest with me. You were always holding a part of you back. I just couldn't reach you completely. You told me that I looked hot in my overalls. I wish you would have stuck to your promise of ripping them off me and just f%ing me in the middle of your living room. We never watched the 911 movie. We were supposed to do it the next time we saw each other.... but you shut down. I wish you could still wake up with my tossing and turning early in the morning and tell me "good morning sweetie". Your sleepy face just made you look even more handsome than ever. Those 4 days we spent in Chicago were strange. Watching Dr. Phil was actually the first time we just sat there, comfortable with each other. I felt like an old-married couple. We were looking at the pictures I took of the Sox's. You laid your head on my shoulder. I wanted to kiss you so badly but didn't know how to approach you. You felt unreachable. I wish you would still text me everyday to tell me to "have a nice day" I enjoyed the night we got intimate and I was able to pleasure you.... only you. I drove in the rain for 3 hours to come see you. I drove in the rain for 3 more hours on the way back. That time, I was crying. The many nights we spent on the phone, talking about life made a dent on my memory bank. I play over and over again the words you said. You told me that we were fundamentally incompatible, but you had accepted me for what I was. We watched the replica of the Santa Maria sail away from the port in Columbus. That Indian food we had was great. I don't like it when you play with Marla's feelings. She is a human being. You wouldn't let me get close to you. I couldn't open the doors of your heart. It's funny how you think "ja ja ja ja ja" is a funny way of representing the sound people make when they laugh. I wish I could turn back time so that I would relive the time you actually liked me. I want to know what exactly I did wrong. You always needed me. I was always there for you. I never left. I've always been here. You never actually kissed me. I always had to kiss you first. I don't understand why you pursue me so persistently at times to then ignore me for months. I often remember how good it felt whenever you asked me to "hold you" because you were sad. I never really told you that I loved you with all my heart. Not in person. Not face to face. You wanted to talk to me after I sent you that one letter. I'm still not sure what the purpose of your wanting to see me again was. I am erasing you from my MSN list today. Your confused (and almost disappointed) face is the last thing I saw that day you told me to leave your house. You said we had all the time in the world. You also said that we weren't broken up. You wanted to be loved. But you wouldn't let me love you. I will always love you. Don't take my disappearance personally. You are messy, very messy. Loved that about you. Don't know why. Kissing your naked back and smelling your skin...... that turned me on. Your mind is amazing. You are one of the most intelligent person I've ever known. There isn't a subject you don't know about. To this day, I remember the night we had phone sex. You told me: "Mi miembro esta muy duro". That was a turn on for me. I miss you. Listening to you play the piano at my house while I was in the kitchen making Lasagna is one of the memories I will keep forever in my heart. No one other than me has ever played my piano after that. I was willing to leave it all and move with you to Mexico if you wanted it. I wanted to protect you from whatever it is that made you so scared. I still hear your voice calling me "Amor". Your Spanish is fascinating to me. My grandma still speaks about you. She is still waiting when you will go visit her so that she can make coffee for you. We held hands all the way up the ramp to the nosebleed section at Cellular Field. You wanted to make sure I was holding onto you tightly. I was cold at the game. You held my hands the whole time. Your sadness and depression is the one thing I remember the most about you. In spite of that, I still loved you. I wish I didn't miss you this badly. I wish I didn't feel this way. I don't exactly know why I haven't let go of you yet. This is insane. I didn't even know you for that long. When you touched my face with your hand, my heart always stopped. I loved gazing into your eyes. You always had such a tender stare. Eggs, Toast and Orange Juice in the morning, EVERY DAY. You don't ever get tired of that. I am going back to Goodale Park . I won't be driving my Mercedes. I don't have it anymore. But I will sit at the same exact bench we sat at for the first time and I will close my eyes and remember all these things I just listed here. I will be wearing the same exact black outfit that you loved so much. I will be wearing that perfume that you thought was just great. And hopefully I will catch a glimpse of you wearing the blue T-shirt, the torn jeans and the white Rebook snickers you wore on April 28th.... And I will let you go because I have to. I will end exactly in the same place it all started.
Recommended Posts