stepheine Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 A lot of you have read my previous post about this situation. Well I spoke with my ex of two weeks on Sat. He explained to me his feelings, I guess he really did open up a little, big improvement b/c he was giving me no contact, even though I did nothing wrong!!! He told me he had felt down and depressed after loosing his job, he told me he had not really hung out with anyone during the two weeks we had been apart, and that he had just been keeping to himself. He told me that he did not want to break up with me but that by not giving him the space he asked for I was pushing him up against a wall. So he felt the only way to get space was to break up with me so he could work out his issues on his own. He told me he did not feel I should be involved with these issues b/c we had only been dating 5 months and that that is to soon for me to influence important decissions like his finances. He said but that is not to say that he didn't want a serious relationship with me but that we needed to build up to that level. The end result of this conversation was that he was working on figuring things out and that once things were figured out he could focus more on what is best for us and if we should have a relationship but at this point his energy was still consumed on these other issues. He did tell me that he felt it was wrong of him not to speak with me at all during this time. So now I am waiting even longer. Then there are my feelings!!! I feel so hurt by the way he has treated me!! I am resentful in away that he could just forget about me for 2 weeks have no compassion for my feelings b/c he was going through a crisis. If he loved me how could he treat me this way!! He knows this is hurting me and I feel the longer he takes the more it is affecting our chances of ever getting back together b/c I don't know If this is something I can forgive. I have a date on Monday!!! I am going to start to try to move on and if he comes back see what happens then and where I am in life. What do you think of this guy!!!!
CalamitousJane Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think he's extraordinarily honest and decent, and very, very articulate, especially given that he's a guy. He told you clearly what he needs, and it all make sense to me. He obviously cares about you, and he cares about himself as well. Basically the perfect combination. If you do decide to date around, I predict you'll have a tough time finding one to match him
vivrantflo Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 You just got out of the relationship 2 weeks ago.. Why can't you stay single for a little while? Why jump into something else right away?
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 When you hoard your problems to yourself, shutting everyone out, in order to handle your own problems by yourself, I think it's the act of a selfish person. Also, if you can't handle a few financial issues without disrupting your relationship, it doesn't ring true. I think the OPs ex is full of it. He's got more reasons than he explained, to want to break up with her.
Author stepheine Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 I get so many different views on this issue. Some People think he is being honest and that he is telling me the truth and dealing with his issues. Others think there is something he is not telling me and that there is more to the story. I don't know what to believe. I just have what he is telling me. I care about him also and he does seem a great guy but I want him to involve me more and not walk out on me when he gets a crisis. It is not fair to me. Also I do not know if when this is all said and done if he will want to be my boyfriend or my friend b/c he is going to think about this. Why does he need to think about it? He is too logical where are the emotions. I think he will want to be with me just the feeling I get from him but when is the question.
CalamitousJane Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think you already know probably already know whether he's being honest. After five months you have probably seen how much integrity he has. Is he normally straightforward and to the point, or have you ever seen him fib a little to avoid hurting someone? Either way, in this case only time will tell. I think your best shot is to give him the space he asked for and to do it in a wonderfully sweet and accommodating way. That way you win no matter what: 1. If he's being dishonest he'll feel appropriately guilty and miserable about hurting such a nice person. 2. If he's being honest, you being very loving is guaranteed to strengthen your bond. It's tough, I know. But I wouldn't bail on this one just yet.
cant let go Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He is too logical where are the emotions. you are expecting him to act on his feelings like a woman would. men and women are very different (sorry for the generalization). but most men act out of logic and rarely listen to their emotions. it's an unfortunate dynamic that causes many misunderstandings between the sexes. case in point. my ex cited one of his many bull**** reasons for dumping me as being that i am too emotional and he is logical...so we are not compatible. in my translation this means...i am a woman and he is a man, so we are not compatible. pretty ridiculous, huh?
Ronni_W Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He told me that he did not want to break up with me but that by not giving him the space he asked for I was pushing him It seems that he asked for *some* space, and you gave him none. It was YOUR pushing that caused him to have to take more drastic measures than he initially planned, to ensure that he could meet his own needs in his own way. I don't see any problem going out on a date. But do also spend some time on figuring out howcome you got so needy that you couldn't allow this guy some time to himself...to do whatever it was that he felt he needed or wanted to do on his own. It doesn't really matter if it was to watch 89 hours of taped football, or to figure out his finances - he asked for something and you totally ignored his request. THAT is how you created the problem.
flosslight Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I would say that he is being honest with you but it is not good enough. My fiance was with me for 2 1/2 years and then did a very similiar thing. He had to figure himself out and could not do it with me. Relationships are hard but you have to be able to work as a team and your partner has to tell you what is going on. You are right. Who knows what he will figure out. If you want to date, then date. Just don't date because you are trying to get a reaction from your guy. If you need time to heal, give it to yourself but I would try to move on. He may need a break but it may take a long time to figure himself out, and dating others does not mean you will not give him another chance in the future.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 A relationship is about two people sharing, not about one person holding it all within. Needing space to address personal issues screams "I don't respect you enough to rely on your judgement". Men tend to be this way, in thought and actions. We're now Homo sapien sapiens. The caveman is extinct for good reason.
Ronni_W Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 My fiance was with me for 2 1/2 years and then did a very similiar thing. Well, yeah...after 2 1/2 years one would expect to be sharing the difficulties and challenges. But after only 5 months, it isn't unreasonable that the guy was not yet at that point, especially given that OP is coming off as less-than-giving, herself. Even after 8 years, I did allow that Hubby had a different way of dealing with things, and gave him some space before going the old, "so, what's up?" routine. IMO, it just makes for better relationship harmony if we allow our partners to handle things in their own way without immediately taking it as a message that they feel we're inadequate to help them or unworthy of hearing about their woes -- my 2 cents.
oppath Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Stepheine, He's surely being partly honest, but it's hard to say how much you pushed. We don't have all the information. At the same time, you don't just END a relationship without first repeating "these are my issues right now and they are serious for me. I do need some space to address them. This doesn't mean you aren't a priority but I need these things right now. Do you understand I need some space and why?" When someone says "I need space" or "I need to find myself" or whatever, they probably do feel that way a little bit, but often they are too big of a coward to say "this is not working. I don't feel we are right for each other." There is really no way to know, but I do know this: you don't END a relationship without first explaining to the other person "this is what is in my life. This is what I need" and making sure the other person does understand, being available to them so they understand. Don't let anyone tell you that you pushed him away. It's possible. But often what happens when you push, is that you are being treated unfairly and you observe that and therefore call him/her out. Nothing is wrong with standing up for yourself and your needs.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 I have to agree with the poster who said "he asked for space but you gave him none". It seems you are still the one contacting him and he isn't calling you. Why don't you take some time and cool out. Why go out with someone else right now and use him? Why do you have to have a man right now?
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