Texas2004 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I need some help with a challenging situation. I am interested in a woman I met recently. We have gone on a couple of dates. I think she has some self esteem issues, now that I have gotten to know her a little better. In particular, I think she has been out with some scuzzy guys and is not used to guys saying and doing nice things for her. I can sense an emotional barrier and the relationship has basically been one sided up until now. She really doesn't call me and doesn't ask me to do things she wants. However, she makes time for us when she isn't working (our work schedules are challenging - I work first shift and she works second shift and weekends). So, I am a bit confused. She seems interested because she keeps going out with me when I ask (I think she would blow me off otherwise), but she is not being very proactive herself. I really like her, and want to try to make something of this. Suggestions on what she is doing and what I could do?
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think the best thing you can do is assure her that she is "safe" with you. She is free to be herself and you will accept her. Keep being nice. You don't have to do anything over the top. Just little subtle reminders that you like her. If she feels secure in your relationship it will help ease her insecurities. When her relationship feels threatened it's just the opposite. So just keep being nice.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 This isn't always a self-esteem issue. Sometimes it's a matter of allowing the man to drive, particularly if he seems to enjoy it. Are you certain you've read her right?
D-Lish Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I agree with TBF. Hey, I wouldn't continue to go out on dates with someone I wasn't interested in. Sometimes women like the role of being pursued and don't feel comfortable initiating meetings. I only initiate spending time together when I am comfortable knowing someone likes me. Perhaps she is just shy?? If you like her, I agree it's best to make her feel safe with your intentions. Having said that- just don't go overboard with the invites. It's possible if she has encountered losers that she is just experiencing trepidation and feeling you out to see if your intentions are honourable.
Carbine Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Other people are right, it may not be a self-esteem issue. BUT if it is, then try and tread carefully. Women and self-esteem issues are a dangerous combination. If you know why she has low SE say body-image problems then you'll know which topics to steer clear of in coversation and not to make stupid, thoughtless remarks about. Also, try not to focus too much on making her feel comfortable by complimenting her all the time. Believe it or not, it can have a reverse effect eg: You: "You look gorgeous tonight" her: "Oh are u sure? I feel so fat in this dress! Do u think my bum looks big in this?" yadda yadda yadda. Then you're royally screwed because whatever answer you give, it'll be the wrong answer! . Speaking from personal experience, that sort of thing would make me think that the guy is thinking a lot about my appearance and therefore judging me. Also, be honest if the conversation gets into the 'danger zone'. Again, don't try too hard to put her at ease (but on the other hand, DON'T be a rude prick to her on purpose). If u must give an answer, be upfront. Learning the truth early on can be a hell of a lot easier to deal with in the long run than later down the track. And remember, whatever the SE issue/s are, its not up to YOU to help fix them for her. That will hopefully come in time. For now, try and be a good listener and don't probe too hard or fast just yet .
Nevermind Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi, I am a woman with high se issues, so maybe I can help you with some insights. Staying clear on certain things in conversations is not a really a good option, because she will notice it. That is, if you stay clear of normal conversation parts. Should she have a very specific problem, that you would not otherwise remark on, then yes...stay out of it. But not saying that you like how she looks, just because she is not feeling good about her appearance is not the right way. Basically...show her that she can trust you. Maybe even tell her up front that she can trust you. Most people with se issues are aware of it and know how difficult it makes communication. If she isn't calling you, it might be because she doesn't want to bother you. To ease her into it...maybe arrange a special time when she is supposed to call you. Just a day and a time and tell her you would like it a lot. So she can't let her thoughts run wild with how inpropriate it is to call. Also...depending on how close you are...tell her that tomorrow (or whenever) is her day and you will just do whatever she likes. And if she is not willing, suggest to have a day for all your stuff, too. When you go out for dinner, have her chose for you. And you for her. It's fun and it works quite well. Give her space and time for herself. But (and this is a huge but), don't be overprotective. She is not a raw egg. She is just very insecure. Good luck!
WIGIRL Posted December 17, 2007 Posted December 17, 2007 Sounds like me. I wouldn't call it low self esteem if she is, in fact, like me. I'd lean more towards safety and trust. Perhaps she's had some damaging relationships in the past? Ask questions and she'll know that you care and that you're paying attention.
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